A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

[Elgee]

 

 

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

 

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

 

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictio

nary.)

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

 

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

 

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

 

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

 

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

 

God Save the Queen!

 

 

 

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

 

 

I love how SOUTH AFRICA is the only other nation on earth mentioned in this.

[The_Fnorrll_Reborn]

BWAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHA!

[Elgee]

I thought you'd like it, F! hehehe

[michellem]

Haha, I know where you got that! ^^ It's SO funny! :D

[Elgee]

I stoleded it *grins*

[Elaevia]

you made me get strange looks as I'm chuckling to myself at my desk!

[Niniel]

lol

[Elgee]

Tina! *Curtsies*

 

Alaevia, if anyone comments on you seemingly laughing for no reason, tell them this:

 

[Daruya]

Well, she (or whoever wrote it on her "behalf"!) is certainly is right about the competency aspect . . . Back into the hand basket for 4 more years!

 

Now, back to your regularly scheduled chuckles . . .

[_wolfbrother_]

<------ this picture sums up my reaction

[Daruya]

Hey, who is going to bring me tea (with fresh strawberries and real cream, please) today at 4? Whoever it is, please don't be late! I'm sure I'll be fashionably hungry by then. And we musn't disappoint the Queen!

[Verbal32]

I'd sign up for this.

[Daruya]

Verbal, are you signing up for tea or reannexation by England?

[Verbal32]

both

[wheeloftime13]

part of me wishes she would take our independence away

[Aiel Heart]

Your Majesty, we respectfully decline your offer to take control of us. However, if you and some other friends would be willing to send over some fire power, we could overcome the current Commander in Chief of the United States Armed Forces. This would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

*Goes back to teaching Manshima how to fire dragon eggs from dragon cannons*

[Shauna]

I'm also signing up for tea by England

[Daruya]

Hey, whoever is bringing me tea, while you're at it, can you bring me the tiara, necklace and earrings the Queen is wearing in the picture? I've quite taken a fancy to them . . . especially the tiara.

 

Oh, and I expect a duchy at the very least in one of the new territories. As for my gun, I don't recommend trying to take it away. I need it to shoot varmints that have been eating my chickens. Besides, I still have that stubborn American streak of independence.

 

Hang on . . . AWAY FROM MY HENS, VARMINT! *blam-blam-blam-blam-blam* Darn! I missed!

[lolguy26]

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

[Shauna]

I also don't recommend taking my gun away. *locks it up in her gun cabinet*

[Daruya]

Dear Queen Elizabeth,

 

Commensurant to your takeover of my country, I have a small request to make. Along with the duchy I am requesting, I have one other small request. Given the huge amount of real estate you will be taking over, I will offer my assistance in administering several places of historical importance, these places being Monticello and Colonial Williamsburg. Management of these valuable resources will, of course, require a rather considerable financial investment on your part but rest assured they will be well-run and not lose one iota of their historical significance in regards to our countries' country's history.

 

Your consideration in this matter is most appreciated.

 

Yours most sincerely,

Daruya Sedai

[blank]

ha I love this!

 

I don't think we should reeeeeally revoke American Independence however you guys should look into putting "u" into the correct words

 

My fave was "tell us who killed JFK, it's driving us mad"

[Daruya]

While we're at it, what about the proper spelling of the colour grey? I mean, really, some people spell it with an "a"!

 

[blank]

I know, here at DM we spell it Gray because RJ did but it's an actual effort to make me type that

 

It feels so wrong

[WolfbrotherKronos]

I am on the floor laughing.