That Secret Idea You Have That You Really Want To Happen, But Won't

[Tdrake]

I would like to see Lan in a full gallop jump off his horse, and smash Gawyn in the mouth. Call him a scrub and ride back to the north.

[OptimusPrime]

Mats next invention. A spear-throwing crossbow that rests on your shoulder.

[Dream]

Rand discovers that Callandor is a magical sword in addition to it being a sa'angreal and decides that he must stick this magical sword into a magical box, which will give him the power of the Creator.  Where he decides to put all people who can't use the One Power on another world because they are jealous of the One Power and as an after thought decides to seal the Dark Ones prison.  At which point the Creator gets pissed at Rand of taking the easy way out and kills him.

 

No evil chickens?

 

Or people swearing that they are loyal to Rand, yet not doing anything in the story that hints of loyalty?

No rape?

 

Or kicking children full whack in the face?

I don't care how old that girl was; she deserved to be kicked in the face.

Yeah, but its the sort of thing you secretly want to happen but dont actually do... how can Richard not ever look back at that and scorn himself?

Easy. Everytime he looks back he feels "the thing in him that had come awake rise up."

[OptimusPrime]

Rand discovers that Callandor is a magical sword in addition to it being a sa'angreal and decides that he must stick this magical sword into a magical box, which will give him the power of the Creator.  Where he decides to put all people who can't use the One Power on another world because they are jealous of the One Power and as an after thought decides to seal the Dark Ones prison.  At which point the Creator gets pissed at Rand of taking the easy way out and kills him.

 

No evil chickens?

 

Or people swearing that they are loyal to Rand, yet not doing anything in the story that hints of loyalty?

No rape?

 

Or kicking children full whack in the face?

I don't care how old that girl was; she deserved to be kicked in the face.

Yeah, but its the sort of thing you secretly want to happen but dont actually do... how can Richard not ever look back at that and scorn himself?

Easy. Everytime he looks back he feels "the thing in him that had come awake rise up."

Sounds a bit left handed to me

[OldmanRand]

Things i'd love to see but won't:

 

1)  Logain taking over the BT and travelling to the WT where he attempts to negotiate with Eqwene.  Instead of being reasonable (until recently she has been as awful as every other AS), Eqwene demands he bow to the Amyrlin.  Instead, Logain and a few hundred ashaman shield every sister in the tower and gag them with air until they agree to have a rationale discussion focused on solving problems.

 

2)  Whitecloaks face a force of seanchan.  while killing each other in brutal fashion, all the while switching back and forth between their ridiculous ideological viewpoints, a huge force of shadowspawn arrives on one side, and the border armies on the other.  The two larger groups charge and wipe out the two smaller groups with nary and afterthought, proving the insignificance and absurdity of both.

 

3)  Elayne or Avi discovers a ter'angreal that can disrupt a link remotely and use it in battle against the seanchan, rendering their major weapon useless.  Even better would be a ter'angreal that can reverse a forced link, putting all the slavers in their rightful position.  And the best would be for this to happen just as Rand is explaining to Fortuona that the leashed women need to be released long-term and that the basis for the entire Seanchan power structure is rotten as the day is long. 

 

4)  Moridin killing the remaining foresaken, all of whom clearly do nothing but talk about how great they used to be and do only the bare minimum to help their side in the struggle.  Even better would be him appointing a whole new set of foresaken (taim already?) who know where their bread is buttered.

 

5)  Birgitte finding gaidal fully grown and living happily every after.

 

6)  just for fun:  the DO and minions destroy the forces of light and rand watches his ladies die one by one, along with his friends.  At the lowest point of despair, he communes with the Creator who tells him he can change the pattern however he wants.  So he rewinds time to stop the bore from being created and becomes mayor of randland.  ;D

 

 

[Terez]

I would like to see Lan in a full gallop jump off his horse, and smash Gawyn in the mouth. Call him a scrub and ride back to the north.

lol, I was thinking something similar while reading up on Arthurian legend for the 'Gawyn will kill Rand' theory.  In the legend, Gawain's anger is for Lancelot, who killed his brother Gareth, and I can't help but think that if Lan was involved in this one, Gawyn would get smacked.  But he's in the north, alas.

[Red Hand Man]

Moridin starts seeing a shrink on the regular and suddenly busts out of his clinical depression.  Dude gets happy again, stops wearing makeup and skinny jeans, then Nukes a Forsaken coffer hour.

[Lord of 13]

Snugglebites actually show up as a Red trait and action...

[LinuxForAll]

The final words from AMoL:

 

"I have won again, Lews Therin." Flicker, Flicker

[Terez]

The final words from AMoL:

 

"I have won again, Lews Therin." Flicker, Flicker

I have been saying for a long time that this will actually happen.  But Rand is going to die at the end of ToM, not aMoL.  He heard that line at the end of every single life in the Portal Stones, and there's no reason to think that Ishamael was interfering in any way (or that he could).  And of course, if Rand dies before the job is done, Moridin will think he's won. 

[OptimusPrime]

Moridin starts seeing a shrink on the regular and suddenly busts out of his clinical depression.  Dude gets happy again, stops wearing makeup and skinny jeans, then Nukes a Forsaken coffer hour.

 

Hahahahahahahahaha

[Owayn The Traveller]

The final words from AMoL:

 

"I have won again, Lews Therin." Flicker, Flicker

I have been saying for a long time that this will actually happen.  But Rand is going to die at the end of ToM, not aMoL.  He heard that line at the end of every single life in the Portal Stones, and there's no reason to think that Ishamael was interfering in any way (or that he could).  And of course, if Rand dies before the job is done, Moridin will think he's won. 

 

That would be so cool. I think Dreamwalker was saying something about the prologue being the epilogue as well.

[bronnt]

We learn that Be'lal has come back (only because no one at all suspects it).  This is really just to support my half-cocked theory in another thread.

[Owayn The Traveller]

Logain- Hey Taim whats the story with you? Are you like a dreadlord, new choosen, been turned or just basically a really bad manager of people or what?

 

Taim- No you fool I am Be'lal!

 

Logain- Who?

 

Moraine- Hey well Logain. Your a good guy now ya?

 

Logain- Apparently.

 

Moraine- Grand. Anyway, Be'lal is one of the forsaken, who was know as the basketweaver.

 

Taim/Be'lal/basketweaver- What?! Its the Netweaver you dumb clod!

 

Moraine- Bamn! Balefired!

 

Basketweaver- Non!

 

Moraine- Right so what has been going on?

 

Logain- Well Rand cleansed the source, kicked some forsaken arse, lost a hand, got hitched to threee women and basically rules half the known world. Mat has his own army, married the seanchan empress and is discovering firearms. Nynaeve can heal stilling, married lan and invented new healing. Egwene is armylin, rediscovered travelling and cuellindar and whipped the seancahn.

 

Moraine- Well thas great. What about perrin?

 

Logain- Ahhhh. Shouldn't we do something about Taim or Be'lal's followers. By the way I thought Taim was Demandred. I mean come on he had dark hair,a hook nose, didn't like rand and was second best to him.

 

Moraine- Yeah whatever. About Perrin.

 

Logain- Well he got hitched to faile for some reason.

 

Moraine-And?

 

Logain- She got kidnapped and Perrin took like three books or something to rescue her. Or I mean like a year to rescue her.

 

Moraine- Thats it?

 

Logain- No he told the seanchan he doesn't want to revive Manetherean.Oh he also doesnt want to be lord of the two rivers. He grow a beard and took on a secreatary. Throw away his axe. Oh and killed a Tinker.

 

Moraine- A tinker?

 

Logain- Yeah I know. I was like what? By the way the others did a lot more I just didn't say it because I got tired of typing(read talking).

 

Moraine- Oh okay. Fancy a pint? I'm buying. Also a game of scrabnopoly. Grab a basket.

 

 

[Elend]

Logain- Hey Taim whats the story with you? Are you like a dreadlord, new choosen, been turned or just basically a really bad manager of people or what?

 

Taim- No you fool I am Be'lal!

 

Logain- Who?

 

Moraine- Hey well Logain. Your a good guy now ya?

 

Logain- Apparently.

 

Moraine- Grand. Anyway, Be'lal is one of the forsaken, who was know as the basketweaver.

 

Taim/Be'lal/basketweaver- What?! Its the Netweaver you dumb clod!

 

Moraine- Bamn! Balefired!

 

Basketweaver- Non!

 

Moraine- Right so what has been going on?

 

Logain- Well Rand cleansed the source, kicked some forsaken arse, lost a hand, got hitched to threee women and basically rules half the known world. Mat has his own army, married the seanchan empress and is discovering firearms. Nynaeve can heal stilling, married lan and invented new healing. Egwene is armylin, rediscovered travelling and cuellindar and whipped the seancahn.

 

Moraine- Well thas great. What about perrin?

 

Logain- Ahhhh. Shouldn't we do something about Taim or Be'lal's followers. By the way I thought Taim was Demandred. I mean come on he had dark hair,a hook nose, didn't like rand and was second best to him.

 

Moraine- Yeah whatever. About Perrin.

 

Logain- Well he got hitched to faile for some reason.

 

Moraine-And?

 

Logain- She got kidnapped and Perrin took like three books or something to rescue her. Or I mean like a year to rescue her.

 

Moraine- Thats it?

 

Logain- No he told the seanchan he doesn't want to revive Manetherean.Oh he also doesnt want to be lord of the two rivers. He grow a beard and took on a secreatary. Throw away his axe. Oh and killed a Tinker.

 

Moraine- A tinker?

 

Logain- Yeah I know. I was like what? By the way the others did a lot more I just didn't say it because I got tired of typing(read talking).

 

Moraine- Oh okay. Fancy a pint? I'm buying. Also a game of scrabnopoly. Grab a basket.

 

 

 

Win.

[Random Man]

Logain- Hey Taim whats the story with you? Are you like a dreadlord, new choosen, been turned or just basically a really bad manager of people or what?

 

Taim- No you fool I am Be'lal!

 

Logain- Who?

 

Moraine- Hey well Logain. Your a good guy now ya?

 

Logain- Apparently.

 

Moraine- Grand. Anyway, Be'lal is one of the forsaken, who was know as the basketweaver.

 

Taim/Be'lal/basketweaver- What?! Its the Netweaver you dumb clod!

 

Moraine- Bamn! Balefired!

 

Basketweaver- Non!

 

Moraine- Right so what has been going on?

 

Logain- Well Rand cleansed the source, kicked some forsaken arse, lost a hand, got hitched to threee women and basically rules half the known world. Mat has his own army, married the seanchan empress and is discovering firearms. Nynaeve can heal stilling, married lan and invented new healing. Egwene is armylin, rediscovered travelling and cuellindar and whipped the seancahn.

 

Moraine- Well thas great. What about perrin?

 

Logain- Ahhhh. Shouldn't we do something about Taim or Be'lal's followers. By the way I thought Taim was Demandred. I mean come on he had dark hair,a hook nose, didn't like rand and was second best to him.

 

Moraine- Yeah whatever. About Perrin.

 

Logain- Well he got hitched to faile for some reason.

 

Moraine-And?

 

Logain- She got kidnapped and Perrin took like three books or something to rescue her. Or I mean like a year to rescue her.

 

Moraine- Thats it?

 

Logain- No he told the seanchan he doesn't want to revive Manetherean.Oh he also doesnt want to be lord of the two rivers. He grow a beard and took on a secreatary. Throw away his axe. Oh and killed a Tinker.

 

Moraine- A tinker?

 

Logain- Yeah I know. I was like what? By the way the others did a lot more I just didn't say it because I got tired of typing(read talking).

 

Moraine- Oh okay. Fancy a pint? I'm buying. Also a game of scrabnopoly. Grab a basket.

 

 

 

Win.

 

Hehe.

 

Now I remember what I really want to happen but won't: Perrin's plot not sucking anymore.

 

Aside from Dumai's Wells and his interaction with Tylee, it's really been boring to read Perrin since the end of TSR. I mean, really:

 

TDR: Perrin goes with Moiraine to Tear, waxes philosophically about the Pattern, chops up a bunch of whitecloaks, meets Faile, kills some Grey Men, escapes Sammael and his Darkhounds and ends up in the Stone. Pretty Cool.

TSR: Perrin travels the Ways, spanks Faile, meets Birgitte in T'A'R, figures out what's up with Lord Luc, gets shot, marries Faile and marshalls a couple hundred villagers into kicking the butts of raging hordes of Trollocs. Awesome.

LoC: Perrin decides to go to Caemlyn, meets his father-in-law, finds out that Faile is a scratcher and biter in bed, and shows up at Dumai's Wells in time to watch Asha'man make hamburger out of a few thousand Shaido. Faile smells jealous. Meh. I like a good scratcher, though.

aCoS: Perrin fakes a fight with Rand and gets sent to deal with Masema. Faile smells jealous. Yawn.

tPoD: Perrin does I'm-not-sure-what-but-it-didn't-amount-to-anything. Faile smells jealous. Faile gets captured. Huh?

WH: Perrin finds out Faile has been captured. Nothing matters but getting Faile back! Nothing! Here we go...

CoT: Nothing matters! Nothing! Also, nothing happens -- except one Aiel doesn't have a hand anymore, which apparently means that something else but Faile did matter because it got him to throw away his axe. Eh?

KoD: Nothing matters! Nothing! Operation Green Tea commences. Perrin gets Faile back and in doing so proves he can be just as brutal with a hammer as with an axe. So why did he throw away the axe? Oh yeah -- he can also use the hammer to make stuff. Which he hasn't done since Tear. Okay, so at least now he can get on with it, right? (Please, PLEASE get on with it...)

TGS. Faile still smells jealous (Ugh!) Perrin just doesn't know what he's supposed to do with himself now that he's actually supposed to lead, being the Ta'veren that he is. Even though he's noticed in the past that just agreeing that someone else's idea when they sound like they have a good idea usually works out for the best (because other people like approval...duh...) he just doesn't know how they can depend on him! As if no one else has that problem in the series (you know, like your childhood friend, the F'ing Dragon? Quit whining already!)

 

ToM: Perrin tells Faile that they were married in the Two Rivers, and in the Two Rivers, husbands don't need their wives to act insane just so they know that their wives still care, so she can stop acting insane on his behalf at any time. Then he spanks her again because she still smells jealous. Then he enters the Wolf-dream but not too strongly (so Hopper stops his whining), and tears out Isam's throat. Then he wakes up and has breakfast, and mentally organizes the wolves to provide a worldwide network of eyes and ears against Shadowspawn. Then he has Grady take them all back to Rand and they all get ready to start killing Trollocs again. Yeah!

 

Would it be too much to ask? Probably.

 

 

[gambril]

1: 3 oaths removed!

2: To see the characters actually communicate >.>

3: To see Aes Sedai actually go back to their roots and become "servants of all" again and serve instead of constantly manipulating.  It amazes me that people still have them around at this point!

3: More Mat and Tuon scenes.

[Axon]

Shai'tan: SUP

 

Creator: HEY MAN

 

S: CAN YOU LET ME OUT? SHAYOL GHUL IS...WELL, IT'S REALLY HOT.

 

C: NO WAY, YOU'RE GONNA TRY TO BREAK THE WORLD AGAIN

 

S: NO I'LL BE GOOD, SERIOUSLY

 

C: PLEASE, WE BOTH KNOW YOU CAN'T HELP YOURSELF

 

S: BUT I LIKE BREAKING THE WORLD! AND IT SUCKS DOWN HERE. ALSO, WHY WONT YOU FIGHT ME YOURSELF? WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOME GINGER KID DO IT?

 

C: THE CHOSEN ONE WILL DO WHAT HE MUST IF HE CAN

 

S: UGH, YOU'RE A MORON

 

C: I'M TELLING MOM!

[Random Man]

WHY WONT YOU FIGHT ME YOURSELF? WHY ARE YOU LETTING SOME GINGER KID DO IT?

 

 

Shai'tan IS Eric Cartman!  :D

[water_seeker]

I want aMoL to end with one of the Maiden's suddenly laughing and then smacking Rand (if he's alive) on the shoulder saying "I get it now, he didn't take his hand on the way down..."

 

or something like that.

[OptimusPrime]

Rand: You will make a good M'Hael when the day comes, Narishma. But first, you need to understand the Channelers First Rule.

 

Narishma: Whats that then, Your Gingerness?

 

Rand: People are stupid. Kill them. *balefires Narishma* Hehehe, I am a good teacher.

[Jillain Sanche]

I would like to see Rand figuring out that Elayne learned to swear from Mat. Even better if Morgase is present, initially wants to blame Rand, but then sees his jaw dropping. :D

[Azrael Maravaile]

Rand: You will make a good M'Hael when the day comes, Narishma. But first, you need to understand the Channelers First Rule.

 

Narishma: Whats that then, Your Gingerness?

 

Rand: People are stupid. Kill them. *balefires Narishma* Hehehe, I am a good teacher.

 

that would only work if narishma was first raped by an evil not-chicken who attacks people in their dreams.

[Phariah]

I would like to see Rand figuring out that Elayne learned to swear from Mat. Even better if Morgase is present, initially wants to blame Rand, but then sees his jaw dropping. :D

lol and have Galad on the side w/ his hand covering his face shaking his head ;)

[Guest Emu on the Loose]

On the more serious side of things:

 

Rand throws Moridin into the pit of Shayol Ghul in dramatic fashion. The mountain erupts in a fiery volcano, the Trollocs flee, the all-seeing eye of Shai'tan implodes, etc. At the base of the cliff where Moridin had stood is a small contraption of crystal and wire. Rand picks it up. Cyndane appears.

 

Cyndane: I'll be taking that.

Rand: Who the heck are you?

Cyndane: You do not want to know the answer to that. Gimme the thing.

Rand: The thing?

Cyndane: Don't play dumb with me. The thing in your hand.

Rand: Which hand?

Cyndane: Which hand do you think? You've only got one!

Rand: Oh, this thing! Why, what is it?

Cyndane: An insignificant bauble of no importance...much like the Creator and the Great Lord!

Rand: Wait a minute, that sounds like Lanfear-talk.

Cyndane: I can't fool you, can I, Lews Therin? Join me, and together we can rule the galaxy!

Rand: Do you really think I'm going to listen to you after all you did?

Cyndane: Yup. ^_^

Rand: Then you're as crazy as I was! You're toast, lady.

Cyndane: Look, you're about to get your butt handed to you by Shai'tan, right?

Rand: Right.

Cyndane: And you still don't know how to seal his prison, right?

Rand: Right.

Cyndane: I tell you what: You join me in my quest to usurp the Wheel of Time...

Rand: And?

Cyndane: And, you give me that thing you're holding, and...

Rand: And?

Cyndane: And I'll activate the Bore Reversal Switch.

Rand: The Bore Reversal Switch?!

Cyndane: Yup. ^_^

Rand: You mean to tell me that all this time there was a Bore Reversal Switch?!

Cyndane: Yup. ^_^

Rand: Light! And you let all this happen anyway?

Cyndane: I figured that with things at the brink like this, you'd have no choice.

Rand: So all I have to do is agree to become like unto a god, which I already am—

Cyndane: And give me the thing.

Rand: —And give you the thing—

Cyndane: And I'll wipe out the Great Lord for you.

Rand: Remind me why I didn't take you up on this the first time you offered?

Cyndane: You were crazy back then. Now you're whole again!

Rand: You are mad genius, Lanfear.

Cyndane: Much smarter than that blond-haired bimbo you used to date.

Rand: Ah, Ilyena, beautiful Ilyena...

Cyndane: Shaddup!

Rand: All right then.

 

So Cyndane pulls out the Bore Reversal Switch, flips it, and sends the Dark One packing. The Wheel's warranty expires and it explodes in a flurry of dollar bills and jewelry, raining down on the world three feet deep. The forces of Light rejoice and buy a big feast (with lots of Two Rivers tobacco, of course). Cyndane turns back into Mierin, who turns out to look just like Uma Thurman, and then she and Rand leave Randland in the dust and head off through a portal stone to a Quentin Tarantino dimension where they become smooth-talking criminals who drive fast cars, practice martial arts, and build a righteous criminal empire by selling their services as assassins of corrupt third-world despots, religious terrorists, and child traffickers in the diamond trade. In this dimension, the Creator is Samuel L. Jackson, and they challenge him to a game of hold 'em poker for control of the universe. Mierin beats him with a straight to his two pair, and he curses profusely. But Rand beats her with a perfect royal flush in spades. She belts him and tells him to lay off the ta'veren bunk already. Everyone laughs, and in the distance a wolf howls. Then the credits roll as we see images of the Dark One—Burt Reynolds—plotting his revenge from his posh '80s penthouse prison.

 

I'd buy two copies of AMoL to see that.