Towers of Midnight - The Abridged Version

[sleepinghour]

Just came across Isam's WoT summaries today (read them if you haven't; they're extremely funny) and thought I'd try writing one for ToM. Unfortunately I don't have Isam's wit, but I hope someone still enjoys it... And if anyone else feels like giving it a try, feel free to post it in this thread.

 

Towers of Midnight - The Abridged Version

 

Lan: I ride alone. Towards a noble, lonely death.

Bulen: Your wife said you'd be here. She put up flyers, too.

Lan: Burn that woman!

-----------

Graendal: I'm bored. There's nothing to do here except have orgies and I've already worn out most of my servants.

Aran'gar: Fine. I will go make out with Delana.

Graendal: What are you, some kind of pervert?

Ramshalan: Hello, fine ladies. This is not an obvious trap.

Graendal: I sense a trap. I'm out of here.

Aran'gar: Graendal, where are you going? Graendal? Oh, shi—

-----------

Rand: Excuse me, could you tell me where to find...

Siuan: Listen, I'm going to let you finish, but Egwene al'Vere is the greatest Amyrlin of all time! Of all time!

Rand: ...the privy. Haven't been able to take a leak with all these Aes Sedai glued to my heels. Tell Egwene I'll see her in five.

Siuan: Fishguts! How did he know it was me?

-----------

Egwene: I am feeling dizzy. It must be a sign that I'm resisting Rand's ta'veren effects. Rand, have you come to surrender yourself?

Rand: No, just dropped by for a friendly chat, and to tell you I'm breaking the seals next month.

Egwene: You've obviously lost your mind. Don't make me write letters, Rand al'Thor. 'Cause I'll do it. No joke.

Rand: Just as planned.

Egwene: What?

Rand: Nothing.

Egwene: Rand al'Thor! Feel my...

Rand: I have to go now.

-----------

Egwene: Remember when you were Wisdom and nobody showed you any respect?

Nynaeve: Ah, yes. You threw a bowl at my head.

Egwene: Well, now I'm Amyrlin and you owe me respect.

Nynaeve: As you wish, Mother. I'll use only the best Sea Folk porcelain, not the regular kind.

-----------

Rosil: Now, remember to stay calm during the test. This is very important.

Nynaeve: I am the essence of serenity. As calm as an undisturbed pond, as cool as an ice cube... Hold on, is that Lan in danger? Grrr. Nynaeve SMASH!

-----------

Doesine: Ooh, a secret vote. What are we voting about?

Yukiri: You know, I have absolutely no idea.

Doesine: Oh. Well, all right, then. Count me in.

Egwene: Suckers.

Romanda: D'oh!

-----------

Egwene: Silviana, send Gawyn a message from me. Something romantic. I'm busy.

Silviana: Romantic, you say? How about "Rebels are Blue, Keepers are Red; spoiled little princelings are better off dead"?

Egwene: Fine, whatever.

Gawyn: It's difficult to tell what, exactly, but there is something different about Egwene's love letters lately.

-----------

Egwene: "The Amyrlin understands the most complex of creeds and debates, yet in the end she is the servant of all, even the lowest of laborers."

Mesaana: Great...Lord...make...her...stop...

Egwene: And now for another of my favorite passages from The Collected Musings of Balladare Arandaille, an Amyrlin raised from the Brown. Page one hundred and sixty-eight.

Mesaana: Gargle.

Egwene: This move is called 'Boring the Enemy to Death.'

-----------

Kaisal: al'Lan Mandragoran! At last we have found you!

Lan: How did you recognize me? I've been calling myself Andra!

Kaisal: Your disguise was indeed clever, but I cannot say I have seen too many war horses with a braided tail before.

Lan: Burn that woman!

-----------

Galad: Can I offer you anything? Some wine, my virginity? Ginger tea. I meant to say ginger tea.

Berelain: My cup is already full. But perhaps later we can have some ginger tea.

Faile: That shameless hussy. Well, as long as it's not my husband's tea.

Perrin: Hm. Strangely, it feels like there's something going on here, but all they're doing is talking about tea. If only Mat or Rand were here; they'd know.

-----------

Noal: All right, boys. As the oldest, prettiest, and only one foolish enough to wear a red shirt today, it's time for me to show them the move called 'Heroic Last Stand.'

Remember to floss, stay gold, and tell any Malkieri you see that Farstrider died clean!

Mat: Noal was Farstrider? Burn me, I never saw that coming...

Thom: Are you awake, Moiraine? You've been very quiet.

Moiraine: Of course. With what they're paying me for the nude scene, they couldn't afford to give me any lines during the action scenes.

Mat: Coin well spent, if you ask me. You didn't get any trinkets from the Eelfinn?

Moiraine: I'll show you, Matrim, but we'll have to wait a few more hours. You think it was easy to smuggle objects of Power out of Ghenjei?

-----------

Cyndane: Help, help! This is not an obvious trap.

Rand: That crazed stare, murderous at the same time as she's blatantly undressing me with her eyes... Lanfear?

Cyndane: I'll kill you if you ask me whether blondes have more fun.

Rand: I find you loathsome, yet strangely arousing.

-----------

Kaisal: There are probably over a hundred thousand Trollocs on the other side, outnumbering us ten to one.

Lan: In that case I say we attack.

Kaisal: A brilliant plan, Dai Shan. That'll show them.

Lan: This move is called 'Pointless Suicidal Charge.'

[FarShainMael]

( weeps with laughter )

 

Not the Sea Folk porcelain!! Please, not that!!

[FossMaNo1]

Haha! I loved it!

[OptimusPrime]

Rebels are Blue, Keepers are Red, spoiled little princelings are better off dead.

 

GENIUS! Hahahaha

[Niniel]

lol

 

Well done!

 

Burn that woman...

[capuga]

Excellent job! Brought some chuckles to my work day.

[jemron]

+1 This was great!

[Sid]

Nice!

[Gordar]

Perrin 's line is just hilarious!

[Manscher]

Love it!

[Smittyphi]

"War horses with a braided tail." Brilliant

 

Well done. Got a good laugh.

[Himiko]

Loved this XD Not sure what made me giggle the most.

[Smittyphi]

All we need now is The Gathering Storm and Knife of Dreams

[MasterAblar]

Hilarious, great job!

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

[GB]

great :p gave me a good laugh

[Guest Emu on the Loose]

Oh, hilarious!

 

"In that case, I say we attack!"

 

Good job from top to bottom.

[Vambram]

 

That WAS GREAT!!! I laughed out loud so loudly, that my wife thought I was going nuts!

[Luckers]

Lol! This is awesome!

[sleepinghour]

Thanks for all the nice comments! I'm glad you guys enjoyed it.

 

All we need now is The Gathering Storm and Knife of Dreams

It's been a while since I read those books, so I'd have to refresh my memory first, but I'll see what I can do.

[herid]

I can't stop laughing!

 

All we need now is The Gathering Storm and Knife of Dreams

+1 on that! Please keep them coming.

[David Selig]

Almost as good as Isam's versions, and given that I worship them and know them by heart, this is a really high praise. ;)

[Goldstar]

Upvoted.

[Thaed]

If I happened to be drinking milk (or kaf or tea) it would be spurting out of my nose.

 

Great Job

[Sharaman]

Brill!