A good laugh

[balefired-ed2]

While browsing the interwebs I managed to stumble upon this gem of a. . .creative interpretation of WOT.

 

http://www.ataricommunity.com/forums/showthread.php?t=386600

 

Some of my favorite quotes so far-

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Moiraine: Dreams can be dangerous. Have you all had any scary dreams?

 

Mat: I don't know if we can trust Aes Sedai. Let's keep it a secret.

 

Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

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Moiraine: DO NOT go out into Shadar Logoth, or touch anything!

 

Mat: Let's go out into Shadar Logoth and touch things!

 

Rand and Perrin: Good idea.

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Everyone: Yayyyy! We're all together!

 

Egwene: You're telling us you talked with the Daughter-Heir! Rand al'Thor! I am making presumptions about you, and therefore must yell at you. Just wait until Elayne, Nynaeve and I do this for the entire series.

 

Rand: Gosh, Egwene...

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Rand: I really should be going.

 

Lan: Yes, you should. Another lesson?

 

Rand: Sure.

 

Lan: This move is called "Ending the Book." Use it in a climactic battle at the end of the book against a bad guy.

---------------------

Lan: I love you. You take ring. I give you.

 

Nynaeve: Me like ring.

---------------------

 

Egwene: Rand al’Thor! As an honorary Aes Sedai, you must listen to me!

 

Rand: I thought you were an honorary Aiel.

 

Egwene: I’m both. It’s called "Aiel Sedai." It’s when you’re arrogant enough for two cultures.

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Nynaeve: I’m wearing a green silk dress with slashes of white with snowy white lace in a floral pattern. It has the faces of cherubs sewn into the sides, and the picture of deer running gracefully through a wooded stream in the skirt. It shows generous cleavage.

 

Elayne: I’m wearing a dark blue silk dress with a pattern of black lace. It has actual thread-of-gold woven into the bodice, telling the story of my childhood, including the part when I skinned my knee trying to climb a leatherleaf tree in Master Hanson’s orchard. It shows generous cleavage.

 

Nynaeve: I miss good, stout Two Rivers woolens.

 

Elayne: Maybe you could by some wool dresses.

 

Nynaeve: I’m far too important for that, according to my estimation of myself. Since we’re keeping only the bare essentials on our mission to save the world, how many dresses have we packed in our wagon?

 

Elayne: Five hundred and eighty-four.

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[David Selig]

I've read these so many times, but they still make me laugh out loud. They are really great.

 

"Moiraine: Dresses, dresses, dresses. Oh, so pretty and frilly. One for balls, and one for summer nights...

 

Siuan: Cut two leg holes in that sack over there. Fine."

[Luckers]

Always a solid laugh. Go Light!

[A2597]

Oh ISAM, I miss thee...

 

I'm actually really wondering if he was RJ, that theory has been around awhile, but...

[Barid Bel Medar]

aahhh, I always liked this one.

 

Rand: I have forbidden anyone from my army of over one million people to guard me.

 

Galina: What makes you think you should refuse protection, even when it is offered?

 

Rand: I grew up with Nynaeve and Egwene.

 

Galina: Ah, the masters.

 

Rand: So do I get into a room, or a box?

 

Galina: A box.

 

Rand: Nynaeve and Egwene told me when you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, you are put in a jail cell or a room with a bed.

 

Galina: When you are imprisoned due to your own stupidity, there is a wide variety of places you can be put.

[trench]

That never gets old. NOW I HAVE THE BIG VOICE TOO.

 

If RJ was in fact ISAM, then I think BS should become LUC and finsish this as well.

[Feral]

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

 

I thought Elayne was tallish...

[Luckers]

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

 

I thought Elayne was tallish...

 

She's shorter than Rand...

[Smittyphi]

various bad person: "Blah blah evil blah"

various good person: "What?"

various bad person: "Nothing, Go Light."

 

laughed every time.

[Feral]

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

 

I thought Elayne was tallish...

 

She's shorter than Rand...

 

Isn't everyone?

 

Except the Great Lord. I mean go Light!

[Luckers]

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

 

I thought Elayne was tallish...

 

She's shorter than Rand...

 

Isn't everyone?

 

Well, there is Shaidar...

 

Except the Great Lord. I mean go Light!

 

... never mind.

[randsc]

Sulin: Why do you hide your crying, Rand al’Thor? We Aiel never hide our crying.

Rand: That’s funny, because I’ve never once seen any of you cry.

Sulin: Sure we do. I stubbed my toe. Boo-hoo.

Rand: You’re faking it. Your culture sounds a lot like you’re just making it up as you go along.

Sulin: How dare you. You insult us like a Wizard of Oz!

Rand: Now you’re just copying other stories!

Sulin: Silence, Jedi.

 

 

Elayne: I must hire mercenaries for the Royal Guard, or the people will think I cannot control the city, and they will rebel.

Dyelin: The Aiel in the city would have controlled the city for you before you sent them away.

Elayne: But Aiel are foreigners. The people hate foreigners, and would have rebelled.

Dyelin: Most mercenaries are foreigners.

Elayne: But they are MY foreigners. And I must hire all women to be in my personal bodyguard. Women with special breast-shaped armor.

Dyelin: Because you’re an idiot, and if the people think that you are smarter than they are, they will feel threatened and get angry and rebel?

Elayne: Precisely.

 

 

Lan: Nynaeve has sacrificed herself for you.

Rand: How?

Lan: To be near you, she lets Cadsuane call her "Accepted."

Rand: That sounds horrible. Maybe next time, she can be the one who takes a never-healing, near-mortal wound, and I can be called "Accepted."

Lan: I don’t know if you could take the pain.

[Xader]

Elayne: I am short with red-gold tresses. I know Rand, and love giving lectures.

 

I thought Elayne was tallish...

 

She's shorter than Rand...

 

Isn't everyone?

 

Except the Great Lord. I mean go Light!

 

Bael is often quoted as the tallest man any given character has ever seen...

[Sleeper]

Loial: "To anger an Aes Sedai is to bring a mountain down on your head."

 

Perrin: I'm only questioning her.

 

Loial: "To question an Aes Sedai is to fall down the mountain enough to get a few cuts and bruises."

 

Perrin: I'm really only asserting myself.

 

Loial: "To assert oneself before an Aes Sedai is to stare at the mountain until the glare from the sun causes serious eye damage."

 

Perrin: I think you're being foolish.

 

Loial: "To doubt the word of one warning you about Aes Sedai is to actually name your first child 'Mountain,' and have that child mocked and derided every day, and called names like 'Big Fat Mountain,' then have that child become a poorly funtioning adult who works long hours digging mud holes in the fields, and talking to himself."

 

Love it.

 

Perrin: Please stop insulting me.

 

Faile: Okay, Shaggy-hair.

 

Perrin: Stop it.

 

Faile: Stop what, big man?

 

Perrin: Leave me alone.

 

Faile: Why, farmboy?

 

Perrin: I suddenly love you.

 

Faile: Good. Now wear this collar. I now own you.

 

This sums up their relationship so well.

[aball]

Rand: I don't what to play your Great Game!

 

Cairheinin: Oooo, he's good!

[herid]

ROFL, this is a great link! Thanks a lot for posting it.

 

Still reading but this is my favorite thus far

 

 

Peddler: I heard a rumor from a drunken midget, who heard it from listening to a tree, that Morgase and Elayne are dead.

 

Gawyn: Rumors are always true. They are both dead. I will have my vengeance.

 

Jisao: Lord Gawyn, I heard a rumor that eating bark gives you long life.

 

Gawyn: Fetch me a tree.

[David Selig]

Min: Fain challenges you to a fight.

Rand: I will be there. A trap isn’t a trap, if you know it’s a trap.

Min: Like a chair isn’t a chair, if you know it’s a chair?

Rand: Exactly. Min: So what are you sitting on?

Rand: Not a chair.

Min: Because you know it’s a chair?

Rand: Exactly.

Min: Then you are not an idiot.

 

Isam was such a genius at mocking the dumb behaviour of the WOT characters.

[Songstress]

I read the whole thing on my breaks during work today. What a great day :)

[JamesL85]

This is hilarious! Thanks for the link!!!

 

My favorite so far:

The Wheel of Time comes and Ages come and go. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, and called the Fourth Age by others who are dumb, in the city of Tear a wind rose.

 

Through the streets of Tear the wind blew. The wind blew past merchants crying their wares, past plump innkeepers moping their brows, and past goodwives sweeping their front steps. The wind took a left on Third Ave, and headed for Mistress Tia's House of Pies. But as usual the line was too long, so the wind sighed and went to Harlor's Ale House. An hour later, the wind staggered toward the Stone of Tear.

 

The wind passed a pleasantly plump seabreeze carrying her tailwind in the air. He howled enticingly at her, but she blew right past him.

 

"Typical," muttered the staggering wind, and spun himself around before falling on his face.

 

James