Falling out of Love

[Jarred Darque]

Falling in Love seems to be the easy part, it just...happens...

 

But when she has decided the relationship is over for her various reasons..and her various actions..without it looking like things will ever be fixed, how does one get over it?

 

I mean, I know too much now in a way, I was being cheated on for 3-4 months, was lied to when asked her directly about it, I ended up being a huge cosmic joke...even my roomate knew about it.  I have since been lied to by her when asking direct and simple quistions,  but despite everything, I still LOVE her, I am happy when I am around her, things still feel 'right' when I am near her, granted when she leaves my company to go spend time with someone else...well...things don't feel so good, but I still love her. 

 

So besides trying to cut of complete communication for some time, is the only option just to wait and hope that my love for her dies, fades away?

[BrainFireBob]

Well, first off, my rule of thumb is: It takes as long to get over a relationship as you were in it in the first place. Take as much time to grow as an individual as you had to grow into each other to be really separate.

 

Secondly, the feeling good, etc.- she lies. I once was involved with someone who lied like that, at the drop of a hat about everything. You have to ask yourself, and force yourself to face the answer: Was that a lie that let her control you?

 

Third- I have been there. Many of us have. It hurts. But it will hurt more the more you let things drag out or cling to your love. She will never return the honor and respect essential to having a relationship, nor can you ever have the trust that love should be built on. A passionate affair, maybe, but it will never be a rock sturdy enough to build on. Gather your dignity and try and face life clearly and cleanly, letting the baggage fall- in the end, you will thank yourself.

[CUBAREY]

Having contact with her is definately the wrong thing to do. Her continued rejection of your love will breed, resentment, disillusionment and hatred.  Don't do that to yourself.

 

Its best you try to seperate yourself from her for the time being.  You need time to grieve for the loss of love and to begin to hral the scares from being cheated upon and lied to.  In the end you will come out of it with a better attiude and fonder memories of the lost love.  Continue to be around her and your love will turn bitter and devolve into hatred. Some time away from her will let you heal and at the end you will remember the good along with the bad. I speak from experience staying in constant touch will do more harm in the long run.

[lou]

first of all my heart goes out to you Jarred.

the guys are correct in thier advise. continued contact will breed anger and even to hatred. the only way you are going to achieve the "fade away" effect of the love you still feel is to sever the contact.

concider any divored couple with children, the continued contact that they must endure in many cases often breeds the very hostility that is mentioned.

save yourself now so that the next woman you have a relationship with is not tainted by prconcieved notions you might have about love. be good to yourself.

[Graendals favourite]

You'll want to heal the wounds and stay open to things and the future. You'll need to release the past to do this, and it takes time and is hard, but you'll be who you are, yourself, in the future, and be able to take what comes without burden from the past. One can hope one will be wiser, but also that one doesn't pass things by. Don't torture yourself by being in contact now, no one needs to be that tough. In WoT Rand tries to be tough all the time and look how well he is inside. Instead try to let the past go, and you'll start getting room for news things: not immediately, but they'll come.

[Kivam]

Just wondering what is it you love about this person who lied to and cheated on you?

 

One of the things you need to do is make yourself know in your head that this chick is wrong for you (and without knowing either of you at all, if she cheated on you and lied to you, then she is).  It won't speed up the healing process - but it's a necessary component of it.

[Jelly]

I don't think you should go out of your way to avoid her, or you'll just keep thinking about her, but do try to avoid contact, like the others said. Try to simply forget her. I suppose love isn't something you can just pick and choose, but it should fade away, like you said, with time.

 

[Verbal32]

Everybody's advice is superb, so I really don't have anything to add there.  All I can say is that while you may be in love with her, it isn't "true love".  I believe that the only way to have "true love" is for both people to give equally.  Obviously, this is not happening - you have invested WAY more effort than she has.  That is not true love.

 

I really think you should take that as good news.  Like everybody has said, the pain will pass.  It won't happen overnight, but it will pass.  And when the time comes that you do in fact find true love, you will then look back on this situation and know that it wasn't true love.

 

Good luck, and my sympathies.  Many of us have been there, and we feel for you.

[Jarred Darque]

yeah well...it is past time for me and her to not see each other.  Gonna try and start that today.  I hope it goes weel, regardless of how friggin hard it is going to be.

[Werthead]

I can relate. Myself and my girlfriend split up last week. Whilst it was amicable, or as amicable as it can be, it's still a painful feeling. In your case I'd say definitely putting some distance between you is a good idea. It's a cliche but it's also true that time is the best healer in these circumstances. Hang out with your friends, they're the ones who will get you through this, and just try to press on with your life outside the relationship. In my case it helped I started a very challenging and enjoyable new job the same day of the split, as it took my mind off the situation.

[Jarred Darque]

so far....not so good.  I think I have about 60 text messages from her in my inbox right now since we decided to try and not talk/see each other... and I guess I have sent about as many to her...  I did go an collect the last of my crap that was over there...including some my H.S. grad ring I havent seen in 7 years :P...it is in my junk drawer now since it has no purpose

[the dude]

while i can sympathise with you on how difficult it is to sever the ties, everyone here is absolutely right.

 

trust me on this, man, in the past i've always had an extremely hard time letting go of relationships.  hopeless romantic syndrome, every time is the THE time, etc.

 

don't fall for it, man.  you've got to give this thing the band-aid treatment.  if i have one rule in a relationship, it's no cheating.  it's grounds for summary dismissal, no looking back.  done.  not even worth the grief, even if the grief is inescapable.

 

this is going to be painful, it always is when ending a serious relationship, but it looks like you're going to have to be the one to cut her loose, if she's still communicating with you.  you've got your stuff back now, so it sounds like the minor loose ends might be tied up now.  you've gotta walk away, and now, man.

 

knowing that this is just a bunch of words from a stranger and that i'm just repeating everything everyone else has said, i gotta repeat it, knowing pretty well what this sort of thing feels like (insofar as that's possible anyway).  don't do it to yourself, and don't let her do it to you.  tell her it's over, finis, done, and don't reply when she texts you or anything. 

 

this might sound cold, but it doesn't really sound like she deserves consideration or compassion from you; you don't owe her anything anymore, and she's a big girl.  if it hurts for her to lose you too, then she should have thought of that beforehand.  too late now, and she's just gonna have to deal with it just like you.

 

ut her loose, get on with your own life, and take care of yourself.  seriously, follow these guys' advice, it's the best your gonna get.  i've ignored this same advice in the past myself, always, always to my detriment.

 

and listen, i know all this sounds harsh, but it's the only way i can think to say it.  i'm not trying to berate you, though i guess it's coming out like that.  i just can't put this strongly enough, for your sake.  remember, we're all in this together. 

[Kaznen]

Listen to the Wisdom of the_dude.  In the rules of relationships the one unforgivable sin is cheating.  Especially when it got to the point you described.

[Jarred Darque]

AH THIS SUCKS!!

 

ok.  yeah..the stayin apart thing didn't work...in fact...we havent stopped sleeping together.

 

Here are my concerns.

 

By staying around, 1) I will be more hurt when she starts dating...which is going to be soon I am pretty damn sure.

2)  If there is any chance of us fixing things, it requires that she realizes what I mean to her, by being near her, by being close, continuing to share her bed, she will not grow to miss me much at all.

 

But my fears with leaving is that if there is a chance of us fixing things, that in the time it takes her to learn to miss the companiosnhip I offered and everything else, that she will turn to someone else for those things, and that she will settle for less than what she really wants.

[SqueeEGA]

What I can tell you is that fixing this particular relationship is like trying to fix my broken bong.  sure ive apoxyed the pieces back together, and it hits like it used to, but its just not the same, and it never will be.  I will always know that it was broken, and what broke it.  The fractures are always visible. The best thing i could do was to get a new bong, and be happy that its not broken.  Now, a few years later, I have a strong relationship with said new bong.  We are close friends and allies, always covering each others back, on our never ending ride toward the setting sun.

 

Needless to say the pain will always be there, but like a knife, time will dull the edge.  Though a dull knife can still be irritating, its certainly not as irritating as a sharp one.  But most importantly when its time for a new relationship, and you find it, they will act like mage armor, protecting you from any knives that may still be hanging around.

 

But, on a less metaphorical note, ignore her for a while.  lay in bed and cry if thats what needs to be done.  reflect on what it was about her that made you happy, and what drove you insane.  And when its time for someone else try and maximize those good qualities and minimize the insane ones...just dont be too picky about it or you'll end up drinking a bottle of wine by yourself and giving someone relationship advice with drug paraphenalia metaphors, and DnD refrences.  *snicker*

[the dude]

i like this Squee guy, man!  ;D

[Jarred Darque]

I don't drink wine.  So it was a bottle of whiskey last night.  Today it is a bottle of painkillers to dull the headache.

[the dude]

hey, me too!  although i was drinking because of work, not women...

[Alys Kinch]

yeah, and by sleeping with her still, you will feel worse about yourself and possibly her when the worst hits.

[Jarred Darque]

I know Alys. :(  This is why I am actively lookin for both friends and someone to be more....just not good at all that stuff...never was, and certainly am not anymore :)

 

I know that the day will come, prolly sooner than later, when me and her are gonna be required to take a few more steps apart cause one of us will be with someone else, and I am not lookin foward to it, I am pretty sure that it will hurt alot on that day as well, on top of all the extra pain I am causing by having been holding on this long already.

[SqueeEGA]

I don't drink wine.  So it was a bottle of whiskey last night.  Today it is a bottle of painkillers to dull the headache.

 

Thats a terrible idea.  After a bottle of whiskey you need a bottle of hwater. (THERES NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE AN H IN THAT! *snicker*) if you're hung over that means you still have alcohol in your system, and that'll amplify the bottle of pain killers.  you need to be careful with opiates.  they're yucky anyway.  hang overs are caused by dehydration, so the best solution is water.  before you go to bed after a night of drinking, have a glass of water, and then refill it and set it next to your bed.  when you wake up in the middle of the night from overheating, drink that glass of water there and fill it up again, and maybe go to the bathroom.  when you wake up in the morning you will feel great.  thats the ritual ive been using since highschool, and not once have i had a hangover since.

 

[Alys Kinch]

i just go to bed... never had a hang over... but that may be because i mostly only drink water.

 

anyway, i know i am not hte best one to speak because i have made all the mistakes and they actually worked out for me, but... well, i do try to help others as i see they need someone.

 

that said, stop looking for someone. just be you. err... the best advice is always what is simple, yet true. and being yourself and just ... stepping over and saying hi to someone is probably all you will need.  actively looking makes it seem...    ... forced. forced is usually bad. (my husband was an accident in very many ways and several different times).

[Elgee]

This is going to sound harsh, but it's well meaning (I have needed to have it said to ME, a few times).

 

Jarred, WHY do you love this woman, who clearly does NOT love you? (No - you do not cheat on someone you love and respect - not over and over, as seems to be the case.  People do have the odd slip - we are all human and fallible, but this is not the case here.)

 

So ... do you love HER, or the IDEA of her that you have in your head? If it's the idea, then accept that she is not that person.  Think of it as if the person you loved has died - mourn her, grieve for your loss, work through the pain, cry, talk to your friends about the one who is no more - but whatever you do, DON'T try to cling to a ghost.

 

It's the hardest thing to do, I know, but one day your heart will accept what your mind is telling you.

 

I don't know you from a bar of soap, but what I have read here makes me think that you are a guy who has a lot to offer to some wonderful woman out there - don't waste it on someone who doesn't deserve the amazing person you seem to be.

[Verbal32]

Elgee speaks good sense, and Squee has quite possibly created the best metaphor ever, but the result is the same:  this girl isn't worth your time.

 

I love to procrastinate, but this is not the time.  Don't wait until it hurts more - leave her behind.  You'll be happier later on.

[Liitha]

Use the time to get lost in your thougths even, process what you learned, find what was good, what was bad

 

before you can get to learn another human, you need to learn yourself...i think many today make the mistace of not knowing themself and what they want, before entering head over heals into relationships that only will work if they both are extremely compromisable, and strong enough to deal with being differences attracted.

 

Equal kids play best, that is a very old saying, and old sayings that survive...well they survived for a reason

 

who are you? what do you want, not tomorow but 10-20-30 years down the road, because you sound like one looking for the forever after, not just a one nigth fling

 

to find that and dimish the risk of geting hurt in the process as much as posible, i belive that you need to know what you want...and demand of another person to be able to answer the same questions, maybe they dont mather to them, but then they at least need to take the time sit down, and think them through and be sure that they really dont mather...not just jump to conclution they dont mather cause they havent thougth about it

 

knowing yourself, and demanding of other that they do the same, so they can tell you who they are, just as well as you can tell them who you are...means you may use longer time to find someone that you may be compatible to see if you have the rigth feelings with

 

but it means that if the feeling question then is answered with yes...then you already have a very strong foundation to start building a house on, and while there are never a gurantie in love and war :P , you are that much more likely to succeed.

 

I may not be the one to have most experience in love, i was starting to doubt if i was crazy for thinking the above, and see the logic in that aproach, that it wouldnt make me able to find anyone, cause i was unaproachable

 

I was proven wrong, i was proven i was rigth in my logic, i found someone who had some of the same logic, who knew himself, and was able to tell me how alike to me he was, to share of himself, and show me who he was, who knew just as much what he wanted

 

someone that some of my friends when i tell about our equallnesses go "omg you found yourself a clone", because we are so alike, we can understand where we come from, how we been raised and how it affected us, we understand how eachothers mind works, and when we are at loss for words, we still understand where the other is geting from

 

I dont belive there is just one soulmate out there that you instantly will know the first time you look into their eyes, at least not for everyone, for some finding a "soulmate" will take hard work and time, and there may well be more persons out there who fit, however finding them may not always be so easy, cause its hard to open up and show who you are, so friendship and trust need to be built, before you can open up and discover

 

So spend time away, spend time with your friends, get a break, and when alone, dont mull over her, but try to imagine where you are some years down the road, build your aircastle sort of, what would be the perfect life for you

 

you wont get it not 100% life consist of compromise, but when you have the aircastle defined, then you can disect it, and say, well that is all good and well, that would be a dream in heaven. However realisticly, i can live without that or that, but i must have this and this, i must have that to be happy and feel that i can live a full life, that looking back on it when i am 80 i'll not regret giving it up.

 

Then hold onto those, and wait till you find someone else who either are willing to do those things cause they are not on their must not have list, or even better feel the same way, and must have those things as well. And for as long as you feel you need those things (ie nothing change to make you feel you dont need them....and then i mean you...not someone else talking you into feeling that maybe you dont), then you hold on to those, and do not compromise them. If you meet someone who have a list saying the oposite things, that they feel equaly strongly about not having those things, as you feel about having them...she is not the one for you

 

Example about such important things may be

city vs country side life

pet vs non pet, and types of these

kids vs not kids

or other things that are important to you, because relationship are two people melding togheter their importan things that make them happy, so that togheter they can be even more happy and completed.

 

And it really dont mather how small or patetic a thing may seem that you put on your list, if that is something that is important to you, then you need someone who can accept that, and be willing to have it as part of their life, because if they love you, then your happyness mathers, and this thing makes you happy, and would be a big loss for you to give up, something you may always fret over, or miss, and such be cause to saw missery internaly in your relationship...because she was the one making you give it up

 

Then the other side come, where you need to be willing to do the same back ;) because it makes two to make it work

 

 

so get to know yourself, then get to know others before entering blindly into something that may not be something that is good for either of you. Build your house on the mountain where only an earthquake will tear it down, not on the sandy beach where the next tide will come and sweep the grounding under it away ;)