Humour me ...

[Elgee]

They say laughing extends your life, so live long and prosper! Just don't tell Kivam about this one, mkay?

 

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

 

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

 

And last:

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Talya]

*is learning how to giggle quietly at work without getting too many odd looks*

 

LMAO

 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

 

now that is funny!!!!!

[Mystica]

forget giggling, I pissed myself laughing!! At work! Brilliant!!

 

 

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

 

Priceless!!!!

[Talya]

Not so much a joke...sorry, but i liked this story!

 

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog.. He dropped his tools

 

and ran to the bog..

 

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

 

 

 

 

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

 

 

 

 

'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'

 

 

 

 

'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

 

 

 

 

'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.

 

 

 

 

'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.

 

 

 

 

'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.

 

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

 

 

 

 

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

 

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

 

 

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?

 

 

Sir Winston Churchill.

 

 

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

 

 

[Red2111]

this one was my fav. props to the doc!!

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

 

 

[Talya]

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time

I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless

I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing

when I want with my old buddies, and don't you

give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:

'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no

good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his

wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife

to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece

of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there

is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

 

[Red2111]

lmao, i'm sending that one on as an email Talya

[Kivam]

A little balance, if you please:

 

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

 

“You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

 

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims. “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

 

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/relationships/276172-joke-husband-store-wives-women-love.html#ixzz1IrKJdrSD

 

[Talya]

LMAO...I love those Kiv, I'm sure the top one was an email too....you have to laugh! And I say if you can give it you should take it!..i'm talking about sexiest jokes of course..*looks*

 

Why do women have small feet...so they can be close to the cooker...

 

Why don't women need watches, because there is one on the cooker...

 

>.> I no advocate that women should be by the cooker the whole time and we are free to do what we chose with out lives...Just off to cook tea!

 

I'm sure there are some from men, I just need to remember them! lol

[Elgee]

LMAO! Kivam, I love that last one *grins*

[theicewitch]

I am loving these!

[Elgee]

Email received in my inbox:

 

 

 

Deer Kustomer I write to you from home becoz Chef is now fire from Mr. Delivery.

 

 

 

Chef hear you say food is some of times late. but what you expect when Chef is hungover? Chef hear you say food is cold. Soooo maybe Chef play some games poker in big refrigarator before make deliveries, so what. After 18 year Chef has been face of Mr. Delivery! is me in logo, On book on evry ones refrigerator!! And you no what Chef hear?

 

 

 

IT IS YOU WHO GET CHEF FIRE!!

 

 

 

I hear you talk bad about Chef!!!You say food was half of time cold!! You say I am too slow!! Then they fire me!!

 

 

 

They say I am fat! That I am lazy!!! They say they are moving forward without Chef! They can’t fire me!! If Chef is so slow than how is he fast enouf to not get kaught send mails to kustomers huh!! This is not last you have seen of Chef!!

 

 

 

You find Chef on the book of faces www.facebook.com/MrDChef

 

 

 

Next email received:

 

 

Dear LAURA-GENE

Sorry about that. We’ve just fired our long time chef, you know, the one from our logo (the deceivingly friendly looking guy on your menu book on the fridge). Unfortunately after 18 years of service, he became, well, a bit of a hazard to the company. His constant lateness, bad attitude and slow service could no longer be tolerated. Clearly, he’s not too happy about it.

Having said that, it’s important that you know that things are changing here at Mr. Delivery. We’re getting faster and fitter and, with a new logo and a range of new products and services coming soon, we’re taking home delivery to a whole new level. Sure, not everyone could keep up with the pace, but hey that’s business.

To make it up to you we’d like to offer you a chance to win R12 000 worth of free food and deliveries from Mr. D. All you have to do is go to

www.facebook.com/MrDeliverySA and ‘Like’ our official new page. And hey, if you’re feeling ravenous get over to www.mrdelivery.com ASAP.

At your service,

Mr. D

 

Brilliant add, I must say! Had me howling with laughter

[Dwynwen]

I'd seen a lot of those in e-mails before, but a couple were new to me. Here's another one of those e-mail things:

 

Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones

 

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in

 

spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share

 

office space and personnel.

 

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the

 

proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias

 

and Posteriors.”

 

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

 

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

 

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

 

"Catatonics and High Colonics"......No go.

 

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"....thumbs down again.

 

Then came "Minds and Behinds"....still no good.

 

Another attempt resulted

 

in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".......unacceptable again!

 

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts".....not a chance.

 

"Nuts and Butts".....no way.

 

"Freaks and Cheeks".....still no good.

 

"Loons and Moons".....forget it.

 

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

 

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones--Odds and Ends"

 

Everyone loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

[Red2111]

kiv your joke was good too *grins* i'll have to send it to the one guy in our office, he'll enjoy it hehehe

[Senexx]

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

is the one that got me to LOL

[jen_jen]

And I thought that this attorney who asked my husband THIS was bad:

 

we (my husband and I) had witness a man attempt to ddrive his vehicle drunk and hit a parked car. we stopped and detained him until the police arrived, and he blew a .14 and was arrested.

 

My husband has done emergency services for over a decade including vehicle rescues and emergency medicine. While testif\ying, the defendants attorney asked my husband what he did for a living, and details about what types of things he had done in that field. Attempting to portray my husband as prejudiced against drunks, the atty asks him - ON THE WITNESS STAND -

 

"so your experiences with drunk drivers have all been negative?"

 

DUUUUHHHHH

 

Unbelievably, a jury found the twice the legal limit driver not guilty

[Rasheta Ardashir]

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

 

Labyrinth anyone? *ggls* Thanks Elgs that made my day!

[Elgee]

Glad to be of service

[Kara_J]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN (these are real...apparently)

 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)

 

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?

 

Contestant: Homosexuals.

 

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

 

 

 

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)

 

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?

 

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.

 

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.

 

Contestant: Leicester

 

 

 

BBC NORFOLK

 

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?

 

Contestant: I don't know.

 

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

 

Contestant: Arm

 

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

 

Contestant: Strong.

 

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

 

Contestant: Louis

 

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?

 

Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

 

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

 

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

 

Contestant: France.

 

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

 

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

 

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

 

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

 

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

 

Contestant: Paris.

 

 

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

 

Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

 

Contestant: The Conservative Party.

 

 

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )

 

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

 

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

 

 

 

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

 

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

 

Contestant: Goosey?

 

 

GWR FM ( Bristol )

 

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

 

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

 

 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

 

Phil: What's 11 squared?

 

Contestant: I don't know.

 

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

 

Contestant: Is it five?

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

 

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

 

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

 

 

 

RICHARD AND JUDY

 

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

 

Contestant: Er. ... ..

 

Richard: He makes bread . . .

 

Contestant: Er .. .....

 

Richard: He makes cakes . . .

 

Contestant: Kipling Street?

 

 

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

 

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

 

Contestant: Barcelona.

 

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

 

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

 

 

 

 

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)

 

Question: What is the world's largest continent?

 

Contestant: The Pacific.

 

 

 

 

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )

 

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.

 

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

 

 

 

 

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

 

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

 

Contestant: Magna Carta?

 

 

 

 

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

 

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

 

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

 

 

 

 

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

 

Caller: Japan.

 

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

 

Caller: Er ........ Mexico ?

 

 

 

 

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )

 

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

 

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

 

 

 

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

 

Contestant: Holland?

 

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

 

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?

 

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?

 

Contestant: No.

 

 

 

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

 

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

 

Contestant: Er... .... ..

 

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .

 

Contestant: Blimey?

 

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .

 

Contestant: (Silence)

 

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .

 

Contestant: Walked?

 

 

 

THE VAULT

 

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

 

Contestant: Nostalgia.

 

 

 

 

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

 

Contestant: Jewish.

 

Presenter: That's close enough.

 

 

 

 

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

 

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

 

Contestant: Jesus.

 

 

 

So it's true....it's best to stay silent and be thought stupid, than to speak and remove all doubt

[sampleygirl]

Thought this was funny.

 

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest.

 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man

insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool & a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood & Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them & you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!

The man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved & eventually the man gives up & agrees to pay. He writes a cheque & gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.

'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my wife'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here & you could have!'

[Elgee]

Karasis! *pouncesnuggles*

 

Pam, that one made me gigglesnort *grins*

[Moon Sedai]

Thought this was funny.

 

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Melbourne .

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they decide to stop for a rest.

 

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for $450.00.

 

We once got charged $90 for 3 hours in a room for a very similar reason.