The Roast of Kathana Trevalaer

[Barmacral]

Greetings Denizens of the White Tower, today we are gathered here to do everything in our power to belittle Atlanta’s favourite housewife chef… Kathana Treaeavaeaeleaeaeaear. Well, something like that anyways, perhaps one day I’ll actually figure out where all the e’s and a’s go in her name, or maybe someday it’ll be important to know. Naw…

 

But you can’t have a proper roast without a proper number of roasters; as such I would like to give you a little introduction to the other roasters.

 

Many of you should already know the Legendary BenTGaidin, who has been sitting around Dragonmount since before Jason was, and is often confused with Gentled Ben, largely due to their mutual ability to disappear for long periods of time and show up again just as soon as you get people going Ben who?

 

And there is the lesser known but just as absurdly tall Muirenn, one of the few people on Dragonmount that legitimately terrifies me. I met her at Dragon*Con last year, and when our conversation was interrupted by Jenn plopping down in her lap, I’m sure the panda nestled in Jenn’s boobs was the only thing that saved her life. The look of pure evil coming from Muirenn’s face was one of “if you weren’t reminding me of my husband right now, I’d stab you repeatedly.” *shudders*

 

But since we’re on the topic of boobs, that reminds me of our next roaster, who’s face I’m sure Jimmy can’t actually remember, for all that she roomed with him at D*Con this year. Nynaeve, or Princess Bride as she prefers to go by is the next in this list of roasters with her own stories of evil to share. If you were to ask around Dragonmount what people thought of Nyn most of them would give you blank stares until you showed them her avatar, at which point her ratings would go through the roof.

 

Naturally, it makes sense to introduce Nyn’s polar opposite next, Dwynwen, who probably wears a Chastity belt like she invented it. There’s not much to say about Dwyn, except that I’m a little bitter over her recent announcement that I’m a Chore to work with, so she’s retiring to get a break from me. Yeah, thanks so much, and here I thought we had a grand ol’ system going with the constant abuse of the Ajah and Disc heads.

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *breaths*

That’s all I really have to say about Zashara, as that is about all she ever says to anyone on Dragonmount… no, that’s not quite true, I saw how she was busy attempting to grab all of Demi’s attentions at Dragon*Con, take that how you will.

 

And the man who Zashara plans to carry the baby’s of is our next presenter, Emperor, who is sorely made fun of by a very drunk Jennifer whenever he fails to show up at Dragon*Con. I think she likes him a bit, a lot a bit.  I’d say that Jimmy should be scared, but he told her to start kissing me after having met me for only the second time ever, I’d not be surprised to find out that he lets her get away with a lot more with Empy.

 

And finally we’ve got a surprise guest, a roaster that asked me “What’s Dragonmount?” when I emailed him to ask him if he was interested in doing this roast. Of course, Jason also asked me “What is a roast?” and “Who is Jennifer Liang?”

 

But now back to the woman of the hour, or minute, depending on how much time you want to spend on her. Probably not the entire month that Mystica plans to spend. I hope Mystica takes the time to eat, sleep and go to work during this month too.

Kathana spent a good ten years dedicating her time to ignoring the White Tower and eating pudding, resulting in her getting so sick of the pudding that she actually started cooking for herself and attempting to take up running. She is also a school teacher, having not learned from the horror she inflicted upon her teachers, or else deciding that this was her way of atoning for that; either way, it’s a wonder that she hasn’t lost it yet, between planning for more conventions than I knew existed, her husband being a panda and Dragonmount’s love-hate relationship with her. It has been a good run with you in power Jenn, and you’re highly entertaining to talk to, and I wish you the best in all of your future endeavours. Cheers to you Jenn.

 

[Jaydena]

*gigglesnorts and sits back to watch*

[Mystica]

*claps and cheers and tries to whistle but fails ending up with a lof of pffffffw's complete with drooling spittle down chin*

 

This is gonna be brilliant ;D *gets comfy to witness the show*

[Toy and Minion]

About damn time too.

[JenniferL]

I'm not drunk enough for this yet.

[Jaydena]

Well go fire up some Crown and get started sweetie.

[Jason Denzel]

Ok, I've never done one of these roasts, but I'm pretty sure I may be the most qualified person on earth to do this.

 

But before I get there, I need to roast Barmacral.  Because seriously, WTF is that dog thing in his image?  You're a WoT fan, man! Have some respect for the WOLVES.  That puny little thing wouldn't last a day in Hopper's Pack.  Hell, it doesn't look like it would survive in that Taco Bell dog's pack even.  Damn. 

 

I'll get to the rest of you lot eventually.  Right after I stop staring at Nyn's avatar pic.........

 

.....

 

 

......

 

...

 

Oh yes! Kathana. 

 

When Kathana first applied to be the White Tower org leader in 1998, she begged.  I mean....BBEEEEGGGGGEDDDD.  She washed my feet, rubbed my back, baked me cookies, and promised me she would destroy wotmania.com within a decade. She failed at that last one. Took her 11 years.  *threatens to smack her*

 

Did I mention she was a 13 year old n00b who talked about My Little Ponies back then too?

 

Kathana asked me once if she could rule the White Tower with an iron fist and mock all the newbies.  I said "whatever".

 

Kathana asked me if she could marry one of the warders @ DM.  I told her no. She begged. I said no.  She begged some more, and I said "Fine, have Jimmy".  She has sought my death ever since.

 

Brandon Sanderson sent an email to all the WoT webmaster fans asking "what do you want in the last book".  Kathana replied "Milk it! Make three books!"  By then, she was too powerful for him to deny. So he did as she commanded.

 

And the ultimate roast:  Kathana has read TGS and 't told anyone about it.  (Yeah, outed, bee-otch!)

 

And now the ultimate Toast:  Kathana has undoubtedly become one of the most visible and important fans in WoT fandom. She's the mastermind behind two WoT conventions and a true partner in running DM. I simply cannot say enough good things about her, and I'm proud to be her friend.  ... And Master Mentor.  Yeah, that's right, Apprentice. Bow, baby, bow.

 

 

Cheers.

 

[JenniferL]

This post is all lies. Except for the part about TGS. I've read it and it's spectacular.

 

And no, I won't tell you if Mat really dies on page 317.

[Jaydena]

*eyes Kath* Your evil woman!

[Verbal32]

This post is all lies. Except for the part about TGS. I've read it and it's spectacular.

 

And no, I won't tell you if Mat really dies on page 317.

 

Damn, that's the page in my copy that says Asmodean was killed by.........

[Nynaeve]

Oh my oh my. What do we have here?  IT IS I!! Yes, the owner of these babies can transform thought into speech! AMAZING that ;D  Even when booze is involved!! (doing this drunk is SO much nicer)

 

Let us start by the order of ranks. Yes. That's a good idea (Go me!). BenT, that means you're last, cause while I don't remember most people's rank, I'm sure you're not around enough to have one. So... that means you're last, and by all means least! :P

 

Jason. Oh, dear Jason. I always suspected that your were some dude Jennifer made up. Sort of like an invisible friend she thought up, not for lack of social skills, but rather to throw you in the fire when the mob came knocking at her door. But you're actually real. You exist! Well done, mate. Of course, your posts could be Jennifer screwing with us... but I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (not really, but I'll pretend). Oh, and you should really work on your spelling. Being the boss man of such an upstanding site means you have to watch your posts. This will NOT be tolerated. This time I'll correct you, but next time there's no desert for you, buddy!!!

 

Did I mention she was a 13 year old n00b who talked about My Little Penis back then too?

 

Isn't that quaint?  LOL

 

But anyway, I shall stop talking about Jason now. That way my word count about him would match the number of posts he made in the site in the last ten years ^_^  Don't want to overdo it after all.

 

Emperor! But...Emperor of what? No one knows O_O  And of course, his handle on tv.net always makes me think of a chocolate bar, for some reason. Anyway, yes, he’s bald. It’s not his fault though. But it’s so much easier to think (and say) it is. He seems to like to wear his wife’s clothes when no one’s looking. Not that anyone would... be looking. And there’s no evidence that might indicate that he wouldn’t do it if someone WAS looking...but lets pretend there is  >.>  And no, insurance won’t compensate for loss of sight on account of empy nudity. Trust me on this one, guys. Nada.

 

Kathana/Jennifer. So much to say. Really. It'll come to me any moment now. Oh, see, there it is. The major thing that totally discredited you in my eyes were your staff choices. Me? An Ajah Head? Come on. You have no judgement what so ever. Or standards (Mystica? Seriously? You were drunk that day, weren't you? Admit it!). When asked how low can you go, you probably SHOW them and feel damn proud about it too. Who's them, you ask? I'm not quite sure myself >.> But you're all asking the wrong questions!

 

Anyway, Kath, You've obviously been a very busy person, what with naughty thoughts about Jason and all that. 13? Damn, you started early. Which shouldn't surprise anyone, really. I always thought you had the dirtiest mind of all (without counting Dwyn, of course). I remember years ago when you told me you preferred to be called hot mommma instead of mumsy. You weren't joking, were you? And that day your hand 'accidently' brushed the girls? SHAME ON YOU. But honestly, you got a very impressive operation going on :P Book geek gals are an easy mark.... erm... or so I've heard 

 

>.>

 

<.< 

 

Which brings me to Dwyn, who's sole mission seems to get people (preferably guys) to take off their shirts, though I have a feeling other clothing items would work too *ggls* Oh, dear Dwyn. I always have to remind you. You're the Keeper of the Chronicles! NOT of shirts. I know I know... easy to confuse (no, not really), but one day... one day you'll get it right (yeah, probably not). I have faith in you! (pfft, I don't even believe in god). I do (lol yeah... no). Loves you loads! (well, more like moderately, I don't even love my mom that much).

 

 

Barm. I've spent SO much time ragging on you that I sort of feel tapped out at this point. But am I REALLY? Is that even possible? I don't think so. You know, I had Canadian water on the plane and thought of you.  It wasn’t negative or positive, I suppose. And the water wasn’t that bad. It was still water, though, which automatically goes into my eww list. That’s right, you’re on my eww list. Just for living in Canada. Now don’t rush into moving or something, cause once you’re in my eww list, you NEVER get off it. You will forever be addressed as Barmeww or ewwBarm. I have mixed feelings about which to choose. Baewwarm got thrown away cause...well...actually it ain’t looking that bad right now. I shall sleep on it! :D And I’ll be sure to let you know… or your better half Hex...or Hax? Ah, who cares. I’ll let SOMEONE know (Or most likely forget all about it. Seems more likely).

 

Mystica. What could someone say about Mystica that would not get her to kill you over it? Not much, I’m afraid. Will this heroine take the risk? Heck, why not. I’ll probably find myself banned for correcting Jason’s unfortunate misspelling anyhow (I wonder if saying his name works like in the Candyman movies… cause if it is, I’m SO screwed). Mystica...You are such a cute person. I love you. I do. I just want to squeeze you until you explode and then squeeze you some more just to make sure you really did explode and it wasn’t just bones cracking. Cause bones heal… surviving a bodily explosion is less likely and more definite. I mean, if someone has to go, the least you can do is dispatch them with love and care!

 

Muir. Yeah, you can be pretty intimidating. What with the WoT knowledge and all. So yeah, if Faile found Perrin sucking Lan’s face, you’d probably know, wouldn’t you? That’s fine. Just dandy. But one day! ONE DAY! I shall appear out of the mists, tie you down, and mispronounce EVERY SINGLE NAME from the WoT series. I don’t care how long it takes (yeah, it’s gonna take a while >.> probably as long as it takes your hubby to spell my last name). Okay, maybe I would care a little. See, I fess up. But hear me, woman. You WILL suffer.

 

Zasha. You’re a freak. Not of nature, though. Nature knows better to associate itself with you. I obviously don’t, but then again, I do some pretty stupid things so I’m allowed! Your wig usage in DragonCon confounds (I just learned that word! *smug*) me some. Bald spot starting to surface? Aww, and at such a young age too. But hey, now you can officially join Empy’s club. You two will have such a blast. A match made in heaven. Though, hey, maybe your attitude towards him is repressed anger you’ve got bottled in due to your condition. Heh. Drunken psychology rules! \m/ Makes so much more sense as well  ^_^

 

BenT... Fess up, how long did it take Dwyn to take off your shirt? Nah, I’m kidding. But anyway, I’m guessing she liked what she saw what with the bondag…..err… bonding and all. You’re are going to the special hell for cutting your hair. But this you already know. I mean, seriously, Zash and Empy would kill for that amount of hair and here you are throwing it away like it means NOTHING. Have you no compassion? No mercy? You are a cruel and VISCIOUS man. You should be ashamed of yourself. I don’t think I’ve ever met such a despicable man. Evil :P

 

And with that I conclude with much needed sleep. I hope you all die in a fire (except Jimmy, he will need comforting)  ^_^

 

 

Cheers,

 

 

 

Nyn

Wasn’t thinking about Jason’s little penis when she was 13

[Charis alAslan]

ROFLMAO!!!!! This is hilarious!!!!  :D

[JenniferL]

 

 

Of course, your posts could be Jennifer screwing with us...

 

Yes.

 

Did I mention she was a 13 year old n00b who talked about My Little Penis back then too?

 

Yes.

[Verbal32]

For at least the next 4 minutes, Nyn is the coolest person on Earth.  Ok, that was 4 seconds.  I'm back to being the coolest.  Ha.

 

 

 

 

Of course, your posts could be Jennifer screwing with us...

 

Yes.

 

Did I mention she was a 13 year old n00b who talked about My Little Penis back then too?

 

Yes.

 

Whoa.  You started early, eh?  :o

[mmeeshal]

This is amazing!  I think I'll go, so I don't pee my pants for laughing so much.

 

:P :D

[U4ea]

*laughs until her sides hurt*

 

Oh, this hurts...

[Dwynwen]

I fear that I must begin my roast with an apology.  You see, I told Barm that he would need to find lots of BOLD people to roast Kathana, but since Barm is partially deaf, he thought I said he needed to find lots of OLD people.  Instead of finding roasters who are known for their scathing wit and daring humor, he filled the roster with people who are so old in DM years that they’ve forgotten they have real world obligations like jobs, school, and families. 

 

First we have Jason, who I like to think of as the God of DM.  He created DM, then sat back and watched it develop without interceding unless the drama got so bad he had to smite people.  Most people on DM have never seen him post, so there have been some intriguing debates about the existence of Jason.  In fact, belief that Jason does not exist is so prevalent that I wouldn’t be surprised if the person called “Jason” who posted before me was really a spambot.

 

Then we have my lovely Warder, Ben, who is around so little that I sometimes think I’m bonded to a ghost.  Poor Ben thought that by bonding me he would have the chance to protect me from great dangers, but all he gets to do is protect me from paper cuts, discuss philosophy with me, and let himself be psychoanalyzed to death.  It is not easy having a shrink sitting in the corner of your mind!

 

Next we have Muirenn, who has hair so long she could use it as toilet paper.  Muirenn is also known for her extraordinary costuming abilities.  She spends so much time costuming, in fact, that her husband gets bored and competes with Empy for who can scare the future Warders of TarValon.net the most.

 

Ah, yes, a roast wouldn’t be a roast without Empy.  Empy likes to think of himself as funny, but all he does is desperately reuse the same jokes over and over again.  I’m surprised he hasn’t thought of new material yet.  Light knows he has plenty of time to do it since he doesn’t have a real job.

 

Thinking of Empy brings me naturally to his Number 2, Zasha.  Zasha isn’t old in DM years, but she has been in the fandom for a long time.  Zasha is my mentor over on TarValon.net.  I must admit that it is hard for me to rip on my friends in a roast, but Zasha has instructed me in the ways of being a snarky bitch.  Whenever I almost don’t type something because I think it will be too mean, I think, “What would Zasha do?” and proceed to cackle maniacally while I make fun of you all.

 

Next we have Nyn, who has a real name that is extremely hard to pronounce.  Apparently, we all have been pronouncing it incorrectly for years, but she doesn’t correct us because she delights in letting us sound like bumbling idiots.  I got to share a bed with Nyn for this Dragon*Con.  At first I was excited, thinking Mystica would be jealous, but then I learned that Nyn kicks HARD.  I found myself getting shoved off the bed a few times, but I couldn’t tell if it was because Nyn kicked me or because her boobs were so big that we both couldn’t fit in the bed.  I also thought that Nyn talked in her sleep, but it turned out to be her boobs plotting world domination.

 

Before I start with the woman of the hour, I have to make one last dig at Barm.  The poor guy was so traumatized to find out that I had a sex drive that he blocked out the memory and insists I wear a chastity belt.  You see, much like the Vulcans in Star Trek remain logical and calm most of the time but become balls of hormones once every seven years, Keepers raised from the White Ajah  remain logical and calm most of the time but become balls of hormones every year at Dragon*Con.  The Con is like my own personal pon farr. It looks like Terminally Sexy over there likes to put on the show of being a ladies’ man to cover up his fear of being touched by women.

 

It’s time to turn the tide of this roast over to the subject of Kathana before I turn it into another dissertation.  Some of you know that there is a proud White Tower tradition of Kathana scaring off her Keepers.  I am pleased to say that I broke this evil pattern by scaring her off first!  After months of correcting her spelling (seriously, how does she even spell her own last name?), organizing her chaotic thoughts and plans, writing rambly e-mails about the state of the Tower, and making her solve problems instead of avoiding them, Kathana threw up her hands and ran.

 

Kathana easily gets distracted by shiny things and is often disorganized.  The trick to getting her to do stuff is to make her bored.  If you give her a list of tasks to do, you’ll probably find that hell freezes over and Empy has sex with Scarlett Johansson before they get done.  However, if you bore her enough, she’ll create things for herself to do.  Seriously, if you lock her in a room with nothing but rubber padding on the walls for a few days, she’ll probably cure cancer and take over the world before you free her.

 

A little known fact about Kathana is that she has a phobia of riding the elevators in the Marriott.  Given that she picked a Keeper who has a phobia of falling down an escalator, it’s a miracle she and I were ever able to get anything done at Cons.

 

Kathana is an extremely generous woman.  She is so generous that she pimps out her husband and her Keeper to willing participants.  She thought that would scare me away, but instead her husband developed a fascination for my legs and everything went downhill from there.

 

I’d like to end this on a serious note.  In spite of all this teasing, I would like to say that Kathana and I made a super awesome team.  Jenn, you and I worked so well together, and I’ll always treasure the time I spent as your Keeper.  You are a wonderful friend in whom I can confide, and I always enjoy talking to you.  I have immense levels of respect and admiration for you.  Thank you for putting up with me all these years.  :-*

 

 

 

 

 

[Verbal32]

I got to share a bed with Nyn for this Dragon*Con.  At first I was excited, thinking Mystica would be jealous, but then I learned that Nyn kicks HARD.  I found myself getting shoved off the bed a few times, but I couldn’t tell if it was because Nyn kicked me or because her boobs were so big that we both couldn’t fit in the bed.  I also thought that Nyn talked in her sleep, but it turned out to be her boobs plotting world domination.

 

........

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..........giggity.

[mmeeshal]

*has spent the last 5 minutes giggling*

[Elgee]

The only regret I have is that I didn't join DM years ago ... *falls off chair laughing*  ;D

[Shendare]

Jenn, your strength as leader, taskmaster, organizer, and friend are a testament to the selflessness and dedication always available yet rarely found in the human experience. Thank you.

 

But it's a good thing you laid off the pudding. The crash from your ten-year sugar high would have brought the server down for at least six months. ;D

[Nynaeve]

Ah, it is Shendare. Or otherwise named, Pen guy. He likes to play it cool in Mafia games. I don't think setting his face on fire would have wiped that smug grin off his face :P  Didn't save him from getting lynched, though.

 

 

 

Nyn

[Shendare]

Game 1: Killed me because I was wearing black.

 

Game 2: Killed me because I was wearing dark grey.

 

Game 3: Promised me they wouldn't kill me if I wore pink instead. I did not wear pink.

[Nynaeve]

Well, your fashion sense is an interesting one. You looked like you were on a business trip, instead of dragoncon. You just dazzle people with the fancy. Bad bad idea lol Makes for an easy mark.

 

 

Oh, Kathana is the biggest mistake in a long sad history of bad BAD mistakes  *nodnod*

 

(just to stay on topic >.>)

 

 

 

Nyn

[JenniferL]

No one ever seems to know how to dress for DragonCon. Its either three piece suits or no pants. There's really no in between there.