Unfunny Jokes

[cosmicpanda]

I'll give points for these.

 

double points if they are about FDM or Emp!!!

[Barmacral]

Your mom.

[Gerrendus]

What's black and whtie and red all over?

Pandy with a sunburn.

[Alaksuleiel]

A man walked into a bar. Ouch.

 

A horse walked into a bar, th barman said 'why the long face?'

 

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?

Holes all over Australia

 

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper

 

 

[Reyoru]

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

 

-Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

-Pull yourself together.

 

 

[Ashaman DeRouge]

What does a constipated person and a stumped Accountant do to help?

 

They work it out with a pencil.

[ChronoCrosS]

What did the blond Klingon say?

 

It was a good day to dye.

[Far Dareis Mai]

Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have any chairs!

 

 

[Emperor]

FDM's face.

 

FDM changing my title or my avatar (I just pretend not to notice).

 

A thread devoted to FDM that goes completely ignored by everyone.

 

Me editing your original post so it makes everyone think you want this to be about me.

 

Your face.

[claireducky]

Emp, FDM and Kathana are walking on the beach.  They find a bottle in the sand and start to brush the sand off of it.

 

Poof!  A genie appears and tells them they have 3 wishes (1 for each of them).

 

Emp goes first.

 

"I want FDM to be banninated from DM forever cause she is much too evil and SG is much too popular these days, outshining the Chan."

 

"Hey!" FDM is upset, but before she can protest the Genie gestures grandly and says, "Done!"

 

FDM is next.

 

"I want Emp to be ripped to bits by the banpuppy and never allowed on DM again either, cause he's a stuck-up poopie head who can't stand somebody being more glorious than he is."

 

"Now, just a sec-" Emp also starts to protest, but the Genie does a backflip and says, "Done!"

 

Emp and FDM stare at each other a moment, then turn in opposite directions and stomp away, angered they wasted their wishes and are banned forever from DM.

 

Kathana has watched all of this in silence so far.  When the Genie asks what she wants for her wish, she asks, "Now, let me get this straight.  Both Emp & FDM are banned for life from DM?"

 

The Genie nods, and Kathana breaks into a wide smile.  "Well, I guess I'll just have a Coke, then!"

 

 

[Emperor]

What kind of panda lives in space?

 

A Cosmic-panda!

 

Get it?

[Talya]

Not often these days!

[Moghedian]

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because the fridge hit her.

[TheMasterDude]

Far's mom's so fat that when she saw a school bus she said "STOP THAT TWINKY!"

 

Empy farts so loud that it sounds like a gunshot.

 

 

[Gerrendus]

Two women walk into a bar...you'd think one of them would have noticed.

[Alaksuleiel]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead

 

Why did the next koala fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the first koala?

 

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer group pressure.

[Moghedian]

I laughed at that last one...

*Bows head in shame*

[cosmicpanda]

Your mom.

 

10/10 on the unfunny stakes, though a distinct lack of creativity or effort. 1 point.

 

What's black and whtie and red all over?

Pandy with a sunburn.

 

Makes no sense if you think about it properly, since the fur would stop the sunburn. Having said that, it is unfunny, so it earns 1 point.

 

A man walked into a bar. Ouch.

 

A horse walked into a bar, th barman said 'why the long face?'

 

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?

Holes all over Australia

 

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?

A woolly jumper

 

This lot of jokes earns you 4 points.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

 

-Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

-Pull yourself together.

 

The first is possibly the definitive unfunny joke, and earns you one point. The next joke earns you two, on account my not having heard it.

 

What does a constipated person and a stumped Accountant do to help?

 

They work it out with a pencil.

 

Oh, unfunny on account of being gross! Excellent! 3 points.

 

What did the blond Klingon say?

 

It was a good day to dye.

 

Very groan-worthy. 2 points.

 

Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have any chairs!

 

Unfunny in the classical style. 2 points.

 

FDM's face.

 

FDM changing my title or my avatar (I just pretend not to notice).

 

A thread devoted to FDM that goes completely ignored by everyone.

 

Me editing your original post so it makes everyone think you want this to be about me.

 

Your face.

 

FDM is my bonded, so the first loses one point. The second is indeed funny, and earns FDM a point. The third loses another point (see first), however the last two earn a point each since they're not funny.  :D

 

Emp, FDM and Kathana are walking on the beach.  They find a bottle in the sand and start to brush the sand off of it.

 

Poof!  A genie appears and tells them they have 3 wishes (1 for each of them).

 

Emp goes first.

 

"I want FDM to be banninated from DM forever cause she is much too evil and SG is much too popular these days, outshining the Chan."

 

"Hey!" FDM is upset, but before she can protest the Genie gestures grandly and says, "Done!"

 

FDM is next.

 

"I want Emp to be ripped to bits by the banpuppy and never allowed on DM again either, cause he's a stuck-up poopie head who can't stand somebody being more glorious than he is."

 

"Now, just a sec-" Emp also starts to protest, but the Genie does a backflip and says, "Done!"

 

Emp and FDM stare at each other a moment, then turn in opposite directions and stomp away, angered they wasted their wishes and are banned forever from DM.

 

Kathana has watched all of this in silence so far.  When the Genie asks what she wants for her wish, she asks, "Now, let me get this straight.  Both Emp & FDM are banned for life from DM?"

 

The Genie nods, and Kathana breaks into a wide smile.  "Well, I guess I'll just have a Coke, then!"

 

For this little piece of magic you get five points.

 

 

What kind of panda lives in space?

 

A Cosmic-panda!

 

Get it?

 

+2

 

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because the fridge hit her.

 

Excellent, again in the classical style of unfunny. +2

 

Far's mom's so fat that when she saw a school bus she said "STOP THAT TWINKY!"

 

Empy farts so loud that it sounds like a gunshot.

 

For the FDM bonding thing, you lose 4 for the first one. You get three for the second.  ;D

 

Two women walk into a bar...you'd think one of them would have noticed.

 

Oh, sexism. Excellent. +2

 

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

It was dead

 

Why did the next koala fall out of the tree?

it was stapled to the first koala?

 

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer group pressure.

 

+6

 

---

 

tl;dr:

 

Barmy: 1

Gerr: 3

Eli: 10

Rey: 3

Ashaman: 3

CCS: 2

FDM: 3

Claire: 5

Empy: 2

TMD: -1

[Far Dareis Mai]

Knock Knock!

 

Who's there?

 

Augusta!

 

Augusta Who?

 

Augusta get me a hot dog! (get it? I gots ta? Augusta?) :P

 

----

 

You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

 

---

 

Q: Why did the fox just laugh when the squealin' pig crawled inside a bear's nostril?

 

A: He knew said bear to have a certain taste for ham-boogers.

 

---

 

Two Eskimos are sitting together at a fishing hole. One Eskimo says to the other, "Hey will you pass me some bait?"

 

And the other one says, "What do you think I am, a clock?"

 

---

 

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

[ChronoCrosS]

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[claireducky]

oh......puns, is it?  ;D

 

 

Once there was a prince of the roses.  He was fair, handsome, and intelligent.  He fell in love with a daisy, bright and fresh.  She was glorious to behold, but unfortunately dumber than a box of rocks.  So the prince and his counselor, the shaggy old ragweed, did everything in their power to educate the daisy.  They got her tulip tutors, took her to belladonna ballets, etc.  This went on for quite some time, but it finally became obvious that nothing was working and the daisy was still as stupid as she had been before.  Finally the prince gave up on the notion of marrying the daisy, and told his counselor that it was hopeless: "Well, I guess you can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think!"

 

 

 

And another one, courtesy of Bill Hicks:

 

Did you hear the new JFK conspiracy theory?  I guess somebody has come forward with new evidence.  He was drinking in a Dallas alleyway the night before the president was shot when he over heard some pigeons talking.  Here is the reported transcript:

 

Pigeons:  Coo!  Coo!  Coo!

 

 

 

[Emperor]

[Emperor]

[claireducky]

Oh no, Emp.  You're not turning this into a Pandy picture thread.  Chrono got me started on Puns, and so I shall rain Pun DOOM down upon you all.

 

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

 

One of them is adopted by a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. The Spaniards name him Juan.

 

Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother. When she gets the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

 

He tells her, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

 

 

-----

 

A doctor likes to stop at a bar on his way home each day, and catch happy hour.  Every day, he gets the same thing: a hazelnut daiquiri.  One day, he goes into the bar and asks for his usual.

 

The bartender starts to build the drink when he realizes with alarm that he's out of hazelnut liquor.  He instead mixes it with some hickory nut extract, hoping that the doctor won't know the difference. 

 

Unfortunately, the Doctor knows something is up the second he takes a sip.  He says, "Hey now, Sam!  What is this; it's not my usual!"

 

Sam looks at the ground and replies rather sheepishly, "Well, it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc!"

 

;D

 

 

[ChronoCrosS]

A woman has twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

 

The fact that I thought this was a complete joke and spent a good ten seconds trying to decipher the pun involved.