The Epic of Kathana

[Az]

Kathana straightened her silken dress

As ninja Trolloc pirate robots blocked her way.

Her retirement was turning into a mess,

She didn't expect assassins on her last day.

 

Some had steel muzzles, some had a hooks for hands

Some had wooden legs, some had stealthy feet

Some had beaks for mouths, some fought with fans

But they all wanted her dead meat.

 

They attacked, and flames answered their charge.

Lightning flashed from a clear sky

As the ground shook at large,

And it was over, it was a good day to die.

 

We should celebrate said the cat.

I know just the way,

Put up these decorations and this hat,

And we can dance all night and sing all day.

 

As they partied, raptors became agitated by the noise.

A great host rose to crash the celebration

Kathana fought with the One Power and poise,

But the horde poured forth, elliciting Kathana's desperation.

 

Exhaustion consuming her, she cried out,

"Where have all good men gone

And where are all the gods?

Where’s the street-wise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

 

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

 

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night

He’s gotta be strong

And he’s gotta be fast

And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight

I need a hero

I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light

He’s gotta be sure

And it’s gotta be soon

And he’s gotta be larger than life

 

Somewhere after midnight

In my wildest fantasy

Somewhere just beyond my reach

There’s someone reaching back for me

 

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat

It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet."

 

Kathana glimpsed something glinting pass through the air,

Raptors fell in great numbers as they were struck,

The Amyrlin saw a man drop from the sky, drawing her stare

Seeing who it was she said, "Az WTF"

 

"Come with me if you want to live," Az said.

Az threw coins in the air and gave them a Push,

Raptors gave way, and a path was made.

The two ran, Kathana almost falling on her tush.

 

Raptors gave chase, but teeth and claws only met death

They ran to the shore, where a boat sat,

The air was heavy with their exertion and breath

They hopped aboard Az saying, "And that's that."

 

There, Kathana met Az and his crew.

"This is Ender, my warder," Az stated.

"Stop saying that, get a clue,"

Said the King of the Reds, nerves grated.

 

There was Yele, from Elantris,

With her skin of silver and hair of white.

But Kathana was told that something was amiss,

Dyslexia made AonDor more wrong than right.

 

There was Kevin Bacon who heard Kat's call,

Told everybody to cut footloose

And T-Pain who heard they were on a boat and all,

Playing with his flippy-floppies, and putting a grill to use.

 

There was Emp from the Shire,

Who carried a copy of A Memory of a Gathering Shifting Storm Light

With an alternate ending more than dire,

The Dark One triumphant, and the world taken by the Blight.

 

There was Muirenn of the Nine Valleys sept of the Taardad Aiel,

Who towered two spans over everyone,

Her beauty inspired awe, her fighting skills ideal

Her presence caused enemies to flee and run.

 

Then there was Jimmy from Seanchan,

Who served the Empress from across the Aryth Ocean.

"Bow down to the Empress ya'll," Jimmy began.

"Enough," said Az, "Move these pandas, get in motion."

 

"Tarmon Gai'don is here," Az explained so cool,

"We only have one way to win against Shai'tan.

We must take this copy of AMoaGSSL to Shayol Ghul

And cast it into it's depths, yes we can."

 

"I think I just discovered something," Kathana exclaimed.

A thin white line rotated into a doorway,

And the adventurers stepped through the whiteness framed,

To stand at the foot of Shayol Ghul so gray.

 

"Joe?  Is that you?" Kathana gasped, staring at the waiting man

His chest hair forged of steel, Steel spikes covered his eyes

Joe attacked with the rage of Sicily, closing the span

A molten bar of light shot from Kathana, ending that plan with his demise.

 

"What is that?" Asked Kevin Bacon.

"It's a magical Leoplueradon," said two unicorns pink and blue,

Kevin dropped dead, his kidneys were taken,

The Leoplueradon rolled revealing a tunnel for true.

 

Emp stepped forth to destroy the AMoaGSSL copy,

"MY PRECIOUS," screamed Emma who leapt from the dark

"ZOMG MY FINGER," yelled Emp, fingers wet and sloppy.

Book in hand Emma into the pit did she embark.

 

The mountain shook and stone began to fall,

Magma surrounded them and the end seemed near,

But in the distance, slow motioned eagles came to call

"Oh that's not like Michael Bay at all," Emp said with a sneer.

 

The Eagles flew them back to Tar Valon,

Where they danced on a bed with Party Cat and great lighting.

Tarmon Gai'don was fought and won,

And Kathana retired from a life exciting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Arie]

That is epic in all epicness!!

 

 

*applaudes* well done!

[JenniferL]

I may have to start taking you seriously.

[Barmacral]

I'm just mad that I didn't make it into your epic. I'm too important not to be in an epic.

[Moghedian]

Wow, it was definitely an 'epic' length...

Maybe if he'd mentioned you, Barm, your mere presence would have changed it to 'The Epic of Barmacral'? ;D :P

[Moghedian]

Ha, that last sentence of mine made no sense :P I need a break from English homework... ::)

[Dwynwen]

*Claps*  Good job, Az!

 

Someone might need to explain who Emma is for the people who haven't encountered her.  I haven't actually met her, but I've heard tales.

[tnsabregirl]

You know, that was just purely awesome!

 

Many kudos for an epic tale of woahhhhh.  :D

[Narina Menderlin]

That's so sweet. :)

[Kepen alheal]

Balfling, mactabulous, I laughed I cried, I lived I died, tears of joy did rain, and I felt so much pain for such a wonderful read.... that is all! ;)

[Minuet]

That was awesome. I was surprised Shrek didn't make an appearance or at least Mike Myers.

[Nynaeve]

That is long and therefore impressive in itself by that merit alone. Well done  *will read it later when there is more time, even though there's never more time*

 

 

Nyn

[Tigara]

Oh my........

[JenniferL]

I think I'm going to deduct points because a good third of this is just quoting Bonnie Raitt lyrics.

[Az]

Deduct?  Are you kidding me?  You should add points because I used Bonnie Raitt lyrics AND made references to Footloose.

[JenniferL]

I already gave you bonus points for putting in the pandas and for balefiring Joe's chest hair.