Azrael's Tech Support Saga

[Canukistani]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHA

 

 

i like the last one

[cosmicpanda]

You should've said, "have a nice day."

[Azrael]

We are always supposed to close the call with "Thank you for choosing Shaw."  i guess it sends a more positive message to our customers than "I hope you have a fatal accident and live long enough to see your loved ones perish in agony." which is how I would like to close some of my calls.

 

I had a great call the other night:

 

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you tonight?"

Her: "My internet is broken."

Me: "O...K.  So how exactly is it broken?"

Her: "There's nothing on my screen."

Me: *sigh* "Is the screen black, or is it white with 'Internet Explorer cannot display this web page'?"

Her: "It's black."

Me: Ok.  Sounds like your computer is off.  Could you look at the Monitor and tell me if the light on the front is Green, Amber or off please?"

Her: "Uh... the TV thing doesn't have any lights on it at all."

Me: "Ok, you monitor is turned off.  Let's turn it on please."

Her: "Ok.  I pressed the button and nothing happened."

Me: "Let's check the electrical plug that runs from the monitor to the power supply and see if that's come loose."

Her: *immediately* "I unplugged it to vaccuum.  Do I need that plugged in?"

Me: "Only if you want it to work Ma'am.  Only if you want it to work."

Her: "Ok.  Let me plug it back in.  Where should I plug in my vaccuum now?"

Me: *sigh* "Elswhere Ma'am.  I'd suggest an empty socket, or perhaps it's time to buy a power bar so you have extra power outlets."

Her: "I don't trust those.  They catch on fire.  I saw that on W5 once." (A news show for you who are Canadian TV deficient)

Me: "That was only a single type of power bar, the rest are fine."

Her: "How can I make certain that I don't the fire kind?"

Me: "Well Ma'am.  After the news show aired, they were all removed from the stores.  You can't buy one now."

Her: "How DARE you?  Don't you tell me what I can and cannot do young man!  I'm old enough to be your Mother and I'll do what I damn well please!"  *Phone disconnects.*

 

Yeah... they sometimes go sideways on you like that... more often than you'd think really.

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you tonight?"

Him: "I think my neighbour is trying to steal my cable."

Me: "Ok, what makes you think that sir?"

Him: "Well, when I came home from work two days ago, I noticed a cablevision cable running from my house to my neighbour's open window."

Me: "... Well... I think you're right.  It sounds like he's stealing your cable."

Him: "I unscrewed the cable from my cable box on the side of my house and closed the box.  The next day I came home and saw it again.  That time I used my garden shears to cut the cable right at the fence line."

Me: "I... see.  Well I imagine that would be that.  No cable means he can't steal it."

Him: "That's what I thought.  I was wrong.  I came home today and he had spliced the cable, so I grabbed the cable and yanked it as hard as I could.  His TV smashed out the window and shattered on the sidewalk between our houses.  That's when he came out with the baseball bat."

Me: "What?  What did you do?"

Him: "I called the police and pressed charges."

Me: "Ok... well..."

Him: "Here's the police report number..."

Me: "Ok.  Well, I think at this point the police have it well in hand.  Is there anything we can do for you?"

Him: "Yes.  Before the police came, he chopped the cable box apart with an axe.  I think I need a new cable box."

Me: O_O

Me: "O...kay.  Done.  We'll have a tech out there tomorrow to fix that for you."

 

Notes to tech:

Damage to Drop and Cable enclosure.  Multiple axe strikes

Please investigate and replace damaged enclosure.

Thank you.

 

 

[Canukistani]

Tech: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?"

Cust: "Wednesday I cam home from work and I noticed that my cable was kind of 'fuzzy so I went to have a look at the connections outside my appartment.  I could see a splitter on my line so I took it off, reconnected my cable and went home.  10 minutes later I could see that my cable was fuzzy again, so I went back.  sure enough the splitter was back so I took it off again.  About 15 minutes later my cable just went out.  when I went to my cable box, I saw that my cable was disconnected entirely."

Cust: "The next morning someone knocked on my door.  When I opened it my Neighbour and a friend of his were standing there.  My Neightbour punched me in the face, knocking three of my teeth loose, and his friend stabbed me in the stomach with a screwdriver."

Tech: "What!?  Oh my GOD!  Are you al right?"

Cust: "Well... yes.  I guess.  I just wanted to know what kind of compensation I could expect to receive from your company for the damage to my face and abdomen?"

Tech: "I... We... I'm sorry Sir, but are you asking what compensation WE will give you for you being stabbed by your Neighbour?"

Cust: "Yes.  I have a lawyer now and he's recommending we sue."

Tech: "Good call.  this would fall under a Civil lawsuit and it would be directed at the Stabber, not us.  After all, if you were to work on your car and then injure yourself on the car, would you then sue the Mechanic whom you didn't hire to do the work?"

Cust: "I'll be referring this to my lawyer now.  I just wanted to see what We could expect from you.  It's obvious that we'll need to sue you for all Shaw is worth for this compensation."  *click*

 

[Canukistani]

Him: "I don't have phone service right now."

Me: "Ok, it looks like this is actually a billing issue.  We haven't recieved a payment from you since October.  If you can make a payment we can get this up and running right now sir."

Him: "Ok, that sounds excellent.  My Visa number is..."

Me: "Ok, everything is activated now.  Please check your phone and see if it has a dial tone."

Him: "It does!  That's great!  Thank you so mich!"

Me: "My pleasure sir.  Is there anything else we can help you with tonight?"

Him: "Yes.  Now that everything is working, could you please reverse the charge on my Visa?"

Me: "... Ummm... If i do that sir, your phone will stop working."

Him: "Oh... I guess that's ok then."

 

Good try... good try.

 

 

[HotW Moiraine]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you tonight?"

Him: "I think my neighbour is trying to steal my cable."

Me: "Ok, what makes you think that sir?"

 

...

 

Notes to tech:

Damage to Drop and Cable enclosure.  Multiple axe strikes

Please investigate and replace damaged enclosure.

Thank you.

 

 

I think he does it for the lulz.

[cosmicpanda]

I like this thread. Points to canuki for it.

[Canukistani]

:D

[Dunbar]

It is, indeed, awesome *nod*

 

Him: "How can I tell if there's actually an electrical current running through this wire?"

Me: "Well, you could always touch the end of the wire to your tongue.  If it tingles it's live.  If not, it's not.  Or you could go to the store and spend $12 on a circuit tester to test for you."

Him: "Nah.  I'll use my tongue."

Excellent choice my mouth-breathing friend, excellent choice.

 

HrM!

[Canukistani]

Him: "I don't have any phone service now.  You're the 3rd tech I've talked to and it's still not working!"

Me: "Ok, let's see here.  According to the previous techs you spoke with, you hung up your cell phone before they were able to troubleshoot with you."

Him: "Well, I saw the Tech outside my window so I knew that there would be no reason to talk to him on the phone, so yes, I hung up."

Me: "... Sir, we don't work outside.  we're in a large office.  If you saw a Shaw Tech, he was not the person you were talking to, and he was not working on this issue."

Him: "What?  that makes no sense."

Me: "Ok, well, let's get your cell phone so if it drops again, I can call you back."

Him: "Ok, now I'm at the thing in my basement.  I see lights on it."

Me: "Good, that means it's doing what it's supposed to be doing.  Now, let's look at the cables on the back.  Is the phone cable plpugged into the Telephone 1 port?"

Him: "No.  I unplugged it earlier because it's not working."

Me: "Ok.  can you plug it in please?"

Him: "I did.  Hey!  My phone is working now!  What happened?"

Me: "Well, when you called in the first time, the tech fixed it, but because you hung up on him he wasn't able to tell you that it was fixed.  So while the phone was coming back to life, you disconnected the cable, ensuring that the phones would not work."

Him: "Well... why didn't the 2nd tech I spoke with figure it out if it took you so little time."

Me: "Well, according to the notes, when you went into the basement to troubleshoot the connections, the cell phone dropped the connection and he was unable to work with you, and you didn't give him the number to call you back."

Him: "So... He's dumb?"

Me: "Sure.  Whatever you like sir.  the important thing is that the phone is working again, and I've added your cell phone number to your account so that if you ever have an issue like this again, we have the alternate number to call you back on now."

Him: "But... I don't want my cell number on the account."

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  Good night."  *click*

 

[Canukistani]

Her: "How can I tell what my internet speeds are?"

Me: "Go to speedtest.shaw.ca and run the test."

Her: "Beef test?"

Me: ... "Yes.  It'll show you how fat your internet is, and if the beef in your house is up to grade or not."

[Barmacral]

Gotta be careful about that last one. Some people actually believe that stuff.

[Canukistani]

Her: "I need help changing the time display on my phone."

Me: "I'm sorry ma'am, we won't be able to help you with that.  you'll need to call the phone manufacturer for that assistance."

Her: "I have Shaw Digital phone."

Me: "I see that, but you'll need to call the company that actually made the phone for assistance with this issue."

Her: "But... Shaw made it."

Me: "We... don't make phones.  We only provide the service."

Her: "But I bought it right from Shaw!"

Me: "We don't actually sell or rent phones."

Her: "Oh... I actually got it from TELUS.  Can't you help me with it anyway?"

Me: "No.  Sorry.  You'll need to find out who actually made it and call them.  They will be able to help you."

Her: "If you don't help me change my time, I'll go back to TELUS."

Me: "I don't think you understand me Ma'am. It's not that I don't WANT to help you.  I'm telling you that I CAN'T help you.  Threatening to go elsewhere cannot change the fact that I will still be unable to help you with this.  I'm sorry."

Her: *sigh*  "Who can I talk to about discontinuing my services then?"

Me: "I can do that for you.  Ok, I'm going to delete your information and you will be without phone service in about 30 seconds.  Is there anything else we cna help you with before you phone stops working?"

Her: "WHAT?!?  NO!  Don't do that!"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry.  I thought you said that you wanted to be transferred over to someone who can disconnect your services because you actually WANTED to disconnect your services.  Are you telling me now that you DO NOT want to disconnect your services with Shaw?"

Her: "... no..."

Me: "Ok.  I see.  I'll cancel the disconnect order then,.  Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?"

Her: "No.  I'm sorry."

Me: "Have a good night Ma'am."

 

BAM!  Layin' the smackdown!

[Canukistani]

 

Him: "Your internet is not working!  I'm sick of it never working!"

Me: "Ok... what message are you getting when you try to go online."

Him: "This website is blocked due to content restrictions.  Please enter your parental control password to proceed."

Me"... O...k.  Sir, the internet is working just fine.  You have parental controls blocking this website.  What website are you trying to get to?"

Him: "What?!?  Why did you guys install Parental Controls on the INTERNET?  It's supposed to be accessable to everyone.  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE telling me which website I can go to or not?"

Me: "Uh... we don't.  That is something that was installed on your computer.  There should be an identifier on the block to let you know what program is running."

Him: "Yeah!  there is!  It's 'NetNanny.'  What's that supposed to mean?"

Me: "Ah.  NetNanny is a parental control program designed to protect children from content.  Someone there must have installed it and activated it."

Him: "WHAT?!?  THAT'S what NetNanny does?"

Me: "Yes.  It stops the computer from accessing adult sites."

Him: "Damn.  I thought it was a 'Naughty Nanny" program.  Ok, so I installed it.  get it off."

Me: "Oh, sure thiung.  Just go to the add/remove programs feature, then choose net nanny and remove it."

Him: ... "It's not working.  It's asking for my password."

Me: "Well... go on... enter it."

Him: "How the hell should I know what it is?"

Me: "Well.  You installed it.  You would have had to set up the password then."

Him: "Hm.  Ok.  Well... I didn't actually instal it.  My wife did."

Me: "Ok.  you'll need to go get it from her then."

Him: "She won't tell me what it is.  She doesn't want me to surf p0rn!"

Me: "Ok... well... good luck.  Have a nice night and thank you-"

Him: "HANG ON A SEC!  I pay good money for the internet and I demand that it works!"

Me: "I agree.  You have three options sir: #1) Demand that you wife give you the password as the man of the house.  #2) get your own computer and forbid her from installing software on it. #3) get a new wife that lets you surf p0rn.  Have a good night."

*click*

[Dunbar]

*laughs hard*

[bad company]

HAHA, poor person

[Canukistani]

Him: "The send light on my modem is flashing."

Me: "Well, is there a splitter on the line?"

Him: "Yes.  How did you know that?"

Me: "Well sir, when we see that send light flashing, it usually means that the splitter has failed.  Let's try bypassing the splitter and see if that corrects it."

Him: "I've never had a splitter fail on me.  Ever.  What makes you think it's the splitter?"

Me: "Well sir, we get many calls a day where the splitter has simply failed.  They are kind of like a light bulb.  They will work just fine until the moment that they fail.  Then they just don't work at all. So, having said that-"

Him: "I don't beleive you."

Me: "I... What?"

Him: "I think it's pretty convenient that you can blame it on this to blow me off."

Me: "What?  No, sir.  We will correct this, and we'll test it as well.  As I was saying: Let's try bypassing the splitter and see if that corrects it."

Him: "Fine.  IU think you're full of sh!t, but I'll do it." *fumbling on the other end "There.  Happy?"

Me: "Well I'm not unhappy.  What are the lights doing now?"

Him: "There's no change at all.  The send light is... solid now.  the Online light just went solid too!"

Me: "Ok, let me talk to the device and see if it's... yes.  It looks like it's talking to the network and pulling a valid IP address.  Please go online and test your internet connection."

Him: "No."

Me: "... I beg your pardon?"

Him: "You're just going to think it's the splitter if it works now."

Me: "... Ok.  Here's the situation:  modem + splitter = no internet.  Modem - splitter = internet."

Him: "Send someone here to check the modem."

Me: "To check what now?  The modem is now working."

Him: "So... you're not going to send a tech?"

Me: "I can, but there is no need to check the modem since it's now working fine.  All we need to do is replace that splitter.  We can have a tech come and do that tomorrow.  Does tomorrow work for you?"

Him: "I hate Shaw."  *click*

[Canukistani]

Him: "I have no internet."

Me: "Ok, your modem is online with an active IP address.  What's the modem connected to right now?"

Him: "A linksys router."

Me: "Ok, let's power that down."

Him: "Done."

Me: "Ok, now poer it back up."

Him: "Done."

Me: "Ok, let's try going online."

Him: "A network cable is unplugged error message."

Me: "Ok, lets check the cable."

Him: "There is no cable."

Me: "Well... that's your problem.  You're going to need to plug a cable into this if you want it to go online unless it's a wireless computer."

Him: "It's not.  It worked before when it was in the living room."

Me: "Did you disconnect any wires when you moved it?"

Him: "Yes.  A telephone cable."

Me: "Can you plug that back in please?"

Him: "Where?"

Me: "Where?  Where you unplugged it from yesterday."

Him: "Oh... Really?  I need that?"

Me: "Only if you want to go online.  You can't go "online" without a "Line" that connects your computer to the internet."

Him: "It works now."

Me: "Have a good day." *click*

 

[Dunbar]

"it works now"

 

*sighs*

[Canukistani]

I swear to FingG I'm going to lose my mind!

 

Him: "I don't have any wireless internet connection.  I get the following message when I try to go online: Unable to access your wireless device.  Please contact the person who manages this device."

Me: "Ok, what kind of wireless device do you have?"

Him: "Yes, I have a wireless device."

Me: "I know.  You already told me that.  What kind is it?  Who makes it?"

Him: "Shaw."

Me: "O...k.  does it say Shaw on it?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "We don't make wireless devices.  We only make modems.  They don't say Shaw on them, they say Motorolla.  Does the device you are looking at say Motorolla?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Ok, that's not your wireless device."

Him: "My other computer accesses this fine."

Me: "What?  The 2nd computer is online now?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Oh.. ok then, We're looking at a problem with your network card in your computer then."

Him: "What?"

Me: "If the 2nd computer is online, then that means that the modem, router and computer are all working fine.  So that means that there has to be something wrong with the one computer."

HimL "What second computer?"

Me: "The computer you were just talking about."

Him: "I don't have another computer."

Me: "Ok.  then why did you just tell me that your other computer is working fine."

Him: "That's my friend's computer at his house."

Me: "I.... What?  Why would you mention... Never mind.  Ok.  Let's go back to the wireless router.  We still need to find your router."

Him: "I have it in my hand."

Me: "Does it say Motorolla on it?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "That's you modem.  Let's find your router please."

Him: "I have it."

Me: *sigh*  "Does it say Motorolla on it?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "SIR!  That is NOT your ROUTER.  THAT is your MODEM.  It is NOT a wireless device.  Please find your wireless device.  It will NOT say Motorolla on it."

Him: "That's all I have."

Me: "Then you don't have a wireless device.  You cannot surf wirelessly."

Him: "The other computer wiorks wirelessly."

Me: "Ok... what other computer."

Him: "My friend's."

Me: "Is your friend's computer at your house?"

Him: "No."

Me: "Then it's working the way it is supposed to.  That doesn't change the fact that your computer cannot surf wirelessly.  You will need a wireless router."

Him: "I need to go online now though."

Me: "Ok, you need to connect the modem to the computer.  Can you do that?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Tell me when it is connected."

Him: "It is."

Me: "You need to turn off the wireless connection and turn on the wired."

Him: "Oh... ok."

Me: "Click on start, then Control Panel."

Him: "Ok."

Me: "What colour is the background of your control panel.  Is it Blue or is it White?"

Him: "Blue."

Me: "Do you see "Switch to Classic View" on the upper part of the left hand side?"

Him: "No.  I see 'Internet' and 'Email' and-"

Me: "Are you in the control panel right now?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "The control panel?  It sounds like you are in your Start menu."

Him: "Yes.  I am in my start menu."

Me: "Can you please click on Contriol Panel."

Him: "ok, I did."

Me: "Ok, NOW what colour is your background.  Is it white?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Do you see Network Connections?"

Him: "I see Internet Options."

Me: "Is the background of the Control Panel Blue?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Ok, I just asked you what colour it was, and you told me it was white."

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Why did you do that?  If the background is Blue, why did you tell me it was white?"

Him: "I'm sorry.  I didn't understand the question."

Me: "ok.  So, on the upper left hand side you should see a link that says Switch to Classic View.  click that please."

Him: "I...."

Me: "Do you see it?"

*dead air*

Me: "Hello?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Do you see that link?  Yes or No."

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Click it please."

Him: "Click what?"

Me: "The link you JUST SAID that you can see.  Click it now please."

Him: "I don't see it."

Me: "Then why did you say that you did?  If I ask you a question, you have to answer me with the CORRECT answer, not the answer you think I want to hear."

Him: "I... I don't... I think I will get my frioend to call-"

Me: "thankyouforchoosingshawgoodbye" *click*

[Dunbar]

"I'm sorry.  I didn't understand the question."

 

/kek xd

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  How can we help you?"

Her: "I'm having a serious internet problem."

Me: "Really?  What seems to-"

Her: "I was right in the middle of doing something and my computer screen turned black."

Me: "Uh... OK.  That-"

Her: "Now it looks like a DOS screen and it says 'Memory dunp in progress.  Please reboot machine to protect it from damage."

Me: "Yeah.  that's not an internet problem."

Her: "What?  How do you know?"

Me: "Well... if it were an internet problem you would get a message like 'Page cannot be displayed" or "Server not found" or "Connection has timed out" not  what you're getting.  That's a hardware issue."

Her: "That's... no.  I just got it back from the PC tech.  He JUST fixed it.  I know it can't be a computer problem."

Me: "Yeah.  Sorry, but that's definitely NOT an internet problem.  I recomend that you take it back to the PC tech it was just at and get them to have another look at it."

Her: "So... I'm not going to be able to continue my MSN?"

Me: "Not until after you get it fixed."

Her: "Whatever." *click*

[Talya]

That so reminds me of some of the user we have her at work... :D

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Everyone needs to stop and sing and just smell the flowers and be at peace. Love and peace are what makes the world go round.

 

*Smiles and hugs everybody*