Azrael's Tech Support Saga

[eclipse0]

I know a guy the got fired from Geek Squad for downloading all the porn from Users machines whenever they brought them in for service.

[eclipse0]

Ok Double post, but this story is waaay too good to pass sharing...

 

I work in the IT Department of a Catholic University, a co-worker (who's only task is to manage the University's Courseware) had this voice-mail waiting for her this morning:

 

 

This is <name left out>, and I am a very upset consumer. Your institution has been sending my daughter spam messages. She is a high school junior and has no interest in attending there. I'd really like to talk with both you and the Provost about this because the amount of emails is really ridiculous. I don't even know how you got our contact info. Maybe we need to get the Vatican involved, perhaps the State of New Jersey or the Federal Government, this has to stop, please get back to me as soon as possible.

 

Notice he did not leave an email or phone number to contact him back, lol. But incase you were wondering, the Pope isn't really incharge of our automated email system for recruiting high school prospects...

[Canukistani]

Him: "How do I change my TV to watch a DVD?"

Me: "Press Input or Source or DVD/VCR.  Do you see any of those buttons?"

Him: "Yes, I have Input.  Should I push it?"

Me: "Yes, please."

Him: "Now?"

Me: "Yes.  Please."

Him: Presses button.  "Oh!  It's playing my DVD!  You're a genius!"

Me: "Thanks, as long as it's working it's all good."

Him: "Hang on.  How do I get back to the TV once I'm done watching the DVD?"

Me: "... Press the same button."

Him: "Which button?"

Me: "The input button."

Him: "Press it now?"

Me: "No, there's no need to press it now.  Just press it once the DVD has stopped playing."

Him: "Now?"

Me: "Sure, why not.  Go ahead and press it."

Him: "The screen turned blue."

Me: "Press it again please."

Him: "Now?"

Me: "Yes.  Please."

Him: "Oh!  It's back to the TV now!  that's incredible!  How do I get back to my DVD?"

Me: "...Ummm.  Press the input button again."

Him: "Now?"

Me: "Ok then.  Sounds like everything is working the way it's supposed to, thank you fo-"

Him: "Hang on a second.  How do I get back to my DVD now?"

Me: "Press the input button.  This is how it works:  You have three input selections on your TV sir.  Video 1 which is Cable.  Video 2 which is your DVD and Video 3 which is the blue screen.  When you press the input button you tell the TV to change to the next input selection.  If the TV is on DVD, it'll go the blue screen, if it's on the blue screen, it'll go to TV, if it's on TV it'll go to DVD.  Got it?"

Him: "Oh!  I get it!  How did you get to be so smart?"

Me: "Practice.  Have a good night." *click*

[Canukistani]

Me: "OK, so what seems to be the issue with your phone?"

Her: "My distinctive ring isn't working."

Me: "What's it doing?"

Her: "When someone calls my phone, my Fax rings, when someone rings my fax, it doesn't ring at all."

*calls phone line*

Her: "It rang through the Fax machine"

*calls fax number*

Her: "It rang through the fax machine again."

Me: "I called the fax machine and it picked up, so it seems that the fax number is working correctly."

Her: "Oh.  Really?  It picked up?"

Me: "Ye Ma'am, it did indeed.  I'm going to try the main number again."

Her: "The light flashed, but no ring."

Me: "Is there a button on the phone to control the ringer?"

Her: "Yes, I turned it off so it wouldn't wake me up when it rang."

Me: "... Uh... can you turn it back on please?"

Her: "Oh.  I need to do that?  It doesn't do it automatically?"

Me: "... No."

*calls phone line*

Her: "It's working!  Wonderful!  what happened?"

Me: "You turned it off and forgot to turn it back on again.  Next time you want to sleep in, might I suggest you unplug the phone from the wall jack instead?"

Her: "I can do that?"

 

[Canukistani]

Her: I have no picture

Me: Please bypass your VCR and hook the cablevision cable directly to your TV

Her: I don't think I should have to do that.

Me: 0_0

Me: Ok, why don't I book you a tech call.

Her: Yes, I think that would be best

Me: looks like the earliest we have is Thursday

Her: That's not good.  Send someone out tonight to fix this.  The TV says it has no signal, fix it

Me: Ok, the TV is not receiving a signal, that means it could be a problem with the TV, or with the VCR or with the cablevision service.  Three different things could cause that.  If you connec tthe cable directly to the TV, we rule out one of them.

Her: I don't want to do that.  You come here and do it.

Me: Sure thing.  I'll be there Thursday.  click

 

[Barmacral]

I wish I had read this thread only about 3 months sooner, being as I do the EXACT Same Job. Well, damn near close enough. Do you work for a call center that takes on various companies, or do you actually work for Shaw?

[Canukistani]

it's not me.  it's Azrael (SG'er on inactive for like a year or more now)  He works for shaw.  we talk via email when he's at work.  he sends me emails with fun transcripts like this.  Azrael takes calls for digital phone, tv and internet.

[bad company]

That was awesome, you think people call up to play pranks or they actually can't do what they say?

[Shendare]

While obviously once in a great while someone will feel like pranking a tech support hotline, I for one am quite well aware that there are many people out there who simply and honestly have no interest in learning how to use their electronics.

 

They'll come off with the impression that "I paid my money for this damnable thing so I shouldn't have to learn whatever I don't want to learn. You people that get paid to fix things (or just happen to be blessed by Almighty God with the mystical knowledge of fixing things) should just come conveniently to my house and fix it whenever it doesn't magically do whatever I want it to do!"

 

When that sentiment ends up being expressed particularly strongly, I have to fight to suppress the sarcastic urge to ask "And when you bought your car, did you expect someone to drive it for you? To fill up the tank for you? To keep it clean for you? If there's a physical defect, then sure, it can be repaired, but you have to be able to know how to use something you want to use!"

 

But if I went ahead and said it, I wouldn't be the cool and friendly tech dude anymore, I'd just be another statistic. *laugh*

 

My experience tends to be more in fixing issues for coworkers at my job ("Right click. Do you see 'Properties' in the menu that popped up? ... No, you must have clicked with the left button. You need to do a right click. ... It's when you click with the right button on your mouse instead of the left button. Yes, your mouse has a right button as well. Yes, it's a little harder to click that button. Usually, you do it with your middle or ring finger instead of your index finger. Yes, we do learn new things every day, don't we?").

 

But I do run into it with friends ("What does a blue screen saying 'Unmountable Boot Volume' mean?"), family ("My hard drive died... can you help me buy and install a new one and get Windows and all my programs and recoverable files back on it, even if I don't have the CDs anymore or any backups? I'll buy you dinner."), and neighbors, too ("I just got this computer from a friend. His work was getting rid of them. I don't have the password, though. Can you help?").

[Canukistani]

lol!  "yes we do learn new things every day, don't we?"  hehehe

[bad company]

Sounds like a fun job.

[bad company]

Sorry for the double post but had to quote the IT crowd

"Did you turn it on and off? Right, is it plugged in?"

[Barmacral]

"My phone doesn't work, I can't take incoming calls"

"Well, our phone support department has a long que of calls, and could be more than 10 minutes before you get in, do you want to wait?"

"No, can they call me back?"

 

uh...? (seriously, had that one tonight)

[bad company]

Well there are some stupid people around for sure

[eclipse0]

I read something somewhere on an IT thread where this guy calls up his car dealership and talks to the dealer:

 

Customer: Yes, There's a problem with the car you sold me last week.

 

Dealer: What seems to be the trouble?

 

Customer: Well it stopped running.

 

Dealer: When did it do that?

 

Customer: Just now, while I was driving, it just shut off and slowed to a stop.

 

Dealer: Did you check the fuel gauge?

 

Customer:  It says "E"

 

Dealer: Well you need to fill it up with gasoline.

 

Customer: I have to keep putting gasoline in it?

 

Dealer: Yes, otherwise it won't run.

 

Customer: That's ridiculous, how can you sell me a product that requires me to regularly spend time and money in order to keep it working correctly!

[bad company]

Some people are retarded ::)

[Canukistani]

LOL!!!

[bad company]

Long organic laugh

[eclipse0]

I found the original text my above post. I was cleaning out my email as we're migrating at work and I stumbled upon it.  It was Humor Networks joke of the day back in April of '03:

 

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who 

don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like 

they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" 

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing

happened!" 

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" 

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery

and turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to

know all of these technical terms just to use my car?" 

---------------------------------------

 

HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" 

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,

and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?" 

CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and

purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the

vendor to install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me

that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes

with everything built in!"

 

[Canukistani]

Me: "How can we help you today?"

Him: "I can't go online with my 2nd computer."

Me: "Are you using a router?"

Him: "Yes, a Link Ski one."

Me: "Ok... a LinkSys?  Ok.  Is it a wireless one?"

Him: "Uh... I don't know."

Me: "O...k.  is this a laptop or a desktop computer?"

Him: "Is there a difference?"

Me: "Yes a Laptop is much smaller than a desktop, and you can shut it like a book or a suitcase."

Him: "Oh... I have a lapdesk one then."

Me: "Um... Ok.  Does it have a cable, like a telephone cable, coming out of the back?"

Him: "Yes it does."

Me: "Ok, is that cable connected to the LinkSys router?"

Him: "No.  It's not."

Me: "Ok, well I think I know what the problem is.  You need that cable to connect to the router if you want to go online."

Him: "I need to go find the wire then."

Me: "Go... I thought it was already connected to the computer."

Him: "No, it's in a bag somewhere."

Me: "I see."

Him: "Should I go get it?"

Me: "Yes, please."

Him: "Should I turn my computer on now too?"

Me: "Yes.  We'll need your computer on to go online."

Him: "This sounds really complicated.  Maybe I'll wait until my son comes home and ask him to help me."

[Shendare]

Yesterday I spent an hour and a half removing an ungodly amount of screws (and keeping them all separated by type and location) to open a scanner/printer and clean the fuser to remove consistent horizontal black stripes from its printouts. This, of course, was assuming the user (the manager for the office it had come from) had tried the most obvious fixes beforehand.

 

Only after having the thing open in pieces did I remember which office it had come from, and how much trouble they have with any kind of technology more complicated than a pair of scissors. I set the pieces back together enough to make the unit functional and tried swapping out the toner cartridge. #$@%! Sucker printed just fine. Spent another half hour getting everything snapped and screwed back into place to send the unit back with a new toner cartridge.

 

What the heck, man? "This big scanner/printer unit is putting black stripes on my printouts. I won't try a new toner cartridge even though I have several here in my office, I'll just send it in to the overworked tech guy to figure out."

 

This was one of two printers they sent to me to be "fixed". The second one came with a scribbled Post-It note ostensibly reporting that the printer wouldn't print envelopes and was flashing warning lights, so "please fix it". I hooked it up, printed a test page from the feed tray, no problem. Printed a test page from the manual feed, no problem. Printed an envelope from the manual feed, no problem. Checked the warning lights, red and orange, and in between those two lights? The word "Toner". I looked it up on the Brother website just to confirm and, yes, the printer was simply reporting that the toner was getting low.

 

I'm sending it back with two Post-Its of my own taped to the appropriate places on the printer... one explaining the use of the manual feed slot for envelopes (I can only think they were using it improperly, or were trying to feed an envelope through the paper tray or something), and explaining what the red and orange warning lights meant.

[Canukistani]

Me: "How can we help you today?"

Her: "Do you offer phone service?"

Me: "We do indeed."

Her: "Excellent.  What is your roaming rate?"

Me: "... Er... We offer Home phone service, not Cell Phone service."

Her: "You don't offer Cell Phone service?"

Me: "No Ma'am, I'm sorry we don't.  We only offer Home Phone service.  At least at this point."

Her: "I thought you said you offer phone service."

Me: "... We do... Home Phone service."

Her: "I don't want anything to do with a company of liars.  Goodbye."  *click*

[Dunbar]

Company of liars : p

[Canukistani]

Him: "My TV doesn't work.  All I have is snow on my screen"

Me: "Ok.  It sounds like you're not on the proper channel.  We need your TV to be on channel 3.  Can you please go up to the TV and press the channel down button until the channel goes to 3?"

Him: "Ok.  Done.  It's still snowy"

Me: "Ok, did you change the channel on the TV like I asked?  Or did you change the channel on the cable box?"

Him: "The cable box.  What do you mean on the TV?"

Me: "On the front of your TV there are some channel buttons.  Please press the down button on the TV itself, right on the front of the TV itself, until the channel changes to 3"

Him: "It's not changing.  I think the batteries are dead."

Me: "Batteries?  What batteries are you talking about sir?"

Him: "In my remote control.  It's not changing the channel."

Me: "Ok.  I need you to put the remote control down and step away from it.  Now go to the TV and press the channel button on the TV."

Him: "I was.  I told you I think I need to change the batteries."

Me: "Were you using the remote?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Don't.  Put it down right now on your dining room table.  Is it on the table now?"

Him: "Yes.  Why did you want me to put it in the other room?"

ME: "We don't need it for this.  Now, walk up to the Television and change the channel."

Him: "Hang on.  I have to go back to the kitchen to get the remote."

Me: "NO!  Do NOT use the remote.  Put your finger on the button ON THE TV ITSELF."

Him: "I can't."

Me: "Why not?"

Him: "Well duh.  It's in the kitchen on the table."

Me: "Ok.  We're done here.  I'm going to book a tech to come out to teach you the difference between a TV and a remote control unit.  Looks like we'll be there a week from tomorrow."

Him: "What?!?!  That's WAY too long to be witrhout TV!  Hang on a second."

*noises from the TV in the background

Me: "Hello sir.  What's that noise?"

Him: "The TV is working now!  All I did was push the channel down button on the Toshiba videotron unit and it started working!"

Me: "Yes.  Because now you're on the right channel."

Him: "Why didn't you just tell me to do that in the first place?  Idiot!"  *click*

[Canukistani]

Him: "I need help!"

Me: "What seems to be going on today?"

Him: "My computer... it's... it's not working right.  I have no internet!"

Me: "Ok, well... let's start with the basics.  What lights are on your modem?"

Him: "My modem?  None.  There are not lights on it."

Me: "Well, that's the problem.  You have no power going to the modem."

Him: "What do you mean I have no power?  I have power going to my house."

Me: "No sir.  What I mean is that if there is no power light on the modem, then the modem has no power."

Him: "My lights are all on!  All of them are!  You obviously don't know what you're talking about."  *click*