Azrael's Tech Support Saga

[Canukistani]

Him: "I want some info on these HD channels you're offering now."

Me: "Sure thing.  We offer quite a few, in 4 different levels:  Basic HD channels, HD Movie channels, HD Sports channels and the HD Plus or Premium channels.  I see her that you have the HD Basic, Movie and Sports channels already."

Him: "Yeah?  Maybe I do.  You'd know better than me,"

Me: "Um...  Ok.  Well according to our records those are the channels you're already getting."

Him: "Yeah, whatever.  It says that these other HD channels will cost me $9/month"

Me: "Well yes and no.  The HD Plus costs $9/month, but it includes the HD Sports, so you'll no longer need to spend the $4/month you currently are.  Basically it'll only cost YOU an extra $5/month."

Him: "Yeah, sure.  Look, I wasn't born yesterday you know.  I don't want to spend $5/month for only 2 HD channels."

Me: "Well, you'll get more than just that.  But it costs $6/month for regulare digital channels, so the HD channels are a LOT cheaper in comparison.  Which is pretty ironic if you think about it."

Him: "What?  What's that mean?"

Me: "Well, it's just that the bigger, better channels cost less per month than the regular channels."

Him: "I don't beleive you." *click*

Me: "Um... thank you for choosing Shaw?"

[Canukistani]

Me: "How can we help you today?"

Him: "I don't have any internet."

Me: "Ok, let's have a look at how your modem is responding.  Do you have a splitter on the line?"

Him: "Yes.  We have one installed when we signed up for service 5 years ago."

Me: "Would it be possible to bypass that splitter and directly connect the modem to the wall outlet?"

Him: "Well... yeah, hang on a second.  It's behind a bookcase.  I'll just need to put my phone down to move it."

Me: "Ok, take your time."

*Crash*

*dead air on other end*

*line disconnects*

[Jehaine]

Well, time for an entry of my own. A friend of mine wants to go on the Internet with his comp, but his attempts at geting a modem have so far been unsuccessful. Read and weep:

 

Me - "So, you on the Internet yet?"

Him - "*mumbles* Yeah, soon. A few more weeks."

Me - "Good! Did you pick cable or ADSL?" ^_^

Him - "Huh? I picked DSL, but i didn't want it to use my phone line."

Me - "Umm... Why not?"

Him - "My phone line isn't working."

Me - "Dude... You DO know ADSL uses the phone line, right?"

Him - "...No it doesn't."

Me - "Yes it does. I have ADSL, it uses the phone line. You just don't pay per minute like with an old phone modem, that's all."

Him - "I told them NO PHONE! *rants*"

Me - "*sighs* Just give me the letter again *reads* Look, it says here they'll set everything straight for you."

Him - "But my phone ISN'T WORKING!!"

Me - "So? Let them find that out for themselves! Worst that could happen is they can't fix it, AND THEN THEY REFUND YOU!"

 

Also, i'd like to share this pic i saved on my comp a while ago. It's fairly large (756 x 941) and making it smaller would make the text illegible, so i just (ab)used Imageshack to make it a clickable thumbnail. Enjoy! ;D

 

[Canukistani]

Him: "First off, I'd like to say that I don't trust your Company's ability to provide good services, and I doubt your abilities."

Me: "Ummm... OK.  What can we help you with?"

Him: "I don't have internet services."

Me: "Ok... let's see here.  I'll just look at the modem and see what it has to say.  Ok, it's online and passing traffic.  Do you have a router?"

Him: "What?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?  Are you having a seizure and just asking random questions?"

Me: "Ok.  If you want us to help you, you'll need to answer the questions I ask.  If you'd rather not do that, then I'll save us both a lot of time and aggravation and simply disconnect this call now.  Is that what you would like sir?  Do you want me to end this call right here, right now?"

Him: "I don't beleive that you'll be able to help me."

Me: "You are absolutely correct.  If you want me to help you, you are going to have to follow my instructions to the letter.  To.  the.  Letter.  If you fail to do so, I will end this call.  If you talk back, I'll end this call.  If you question my ability, I'll end this call.  You are 1 second away from troubleshooting this on your own.  Do you understand?"

Him: "Whatever.  Yes, I have a router."

Me: "Unplug the router now.  Leave it unplugged for a minimum of 30 seconds, then plug it back in."

Him: "Fine..." 2 minutes later "Ok, it's plugged back in."

Me: "Open internet explorer now."

Him: "Wha-  I'm online!  How the hell...?  That's awesome!  You totally rock!"

Me: "The next time you speak to a professional about their choisen profession, listen to what they tell you.  It IS our job after all.  We do this 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year.  We have a lot of experience with this.  Thank you for choosing Shaw."

*click*

[Canukistani]

Him: "I can't get my email"

Me: "Ok, well what message do you get on your screen when you try to get email?"

Him: "Nothing.  Nothing at all."

Me: "Oh... ok.  So the email just continues to try to download from the server then?"

Him: "No.  You're not listening.  My computer isn't doing anything."

Me: "um... what exactkly do you mean sir?"

Him: "Ok, you're obviously not getting me."

Me: "No sir, I'm not.  Imagine that I'm not actually in the room with you so I can't see your computer, ok?  Please describe to me what happens when you try to access your email."

Him: *sigh* "Fine.  Should I start right at the beginning?"

Me: "Please"

Him: "Ok.  I'll do it right now.  Ok, I'm powering up my email server.  There, this is what happens, do you hear it?"

*Grinding in the background*

Me: "What's making that noise?"

Him: "I told you.  My email server.  And the smoke stinks."

Me: "Smoke?  What smoke?"

Him: "The smoke that comes out of my email server thing."

Me: "Sir, you need to take your tower in to a PC Tech immediately."

Him: "So what... you're not going to help me?  How can you call this customer service?"

Me: "Sir!  Your computer is on FIRE!  You need to deal with this before it KILLS YOU!"

Him: "I knew I should have stayed with TELUS."

 

[Barmacral]

Me: Thankyou for calling Brighthouse Networks, this is Brendan speaking, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to discuss the account, it was in my name for a lot of years, and now its not, but I need to talk about it.

Me: Ok sir, are you the current account holder?

Customer: No, but I used to be.

Me: Well sir, the account states that I cannot discuss this account with you, as you aren't the account holder.

Customer: But I used to be the account holder, and I need the account.

Me: Sir, its not your account anymore, I can't discuss it with you.

Customer: Thats it, I'm going to Dish Network then, I like them better anyways.

Me: Well sir, thank you for calling Brighthouse Networks, I hope you have a wonderful evening.

*Click*

 

As for that closing line, its perfect, it really is. If the customer isn't being stupid or angry, it makes their day better. If the customer is stupid or angry, they hate it because it feels like I'm mocking them.

 

...

 

...

 

Which I am of course.

[TheMasterDude]

I hate customer support people like Barm :P Since I am a cranky customer most of the time since when I call (usually dell since a Cd or DVD drive broke and I need a new one sent out) and I wait for 2 hours just to speak to someone and then I get "Ali Babba" Who I can't understand anything he says and makes me spend another 3 hour just to get to the point of "Ok I'm sending someone out on Friday to replace it."

 

 

-_-

 

That's what I asked you to do in the 1st place...(I have replaced my DVD drive 6 time BTW) I think I know what the symptoms are when it's broken >:(

 

The ONE time I got a white guy after spending 2 hours waiting to hear from someone, it took me 20 minutes for him to figure out that I knew what I was talking about and that he would send someone out to replace it. I was actually happy after my call for once and wasn't cussing customer support. ;D

[Haxorsist]

If you're calling, how do you know he was white?

[Barmacral]

Its actually not White vs Non-White here, its North American vs Indian/Pakistani.

 

The best customer service you'll receive is from Canadians. Americans tend to be a lot ruder, and the people over in India/Pakistan just don't care.

[TheMasterDude]

He spoke with a North American accent....and I could understand him

[chillimous]

Reminds me of telemarketers. I always chat amiably about my day to them if they ring my house, waste their time and confuse them. :3

[Canukistani]

Him: "How do I change the aspect ratio on my TV?"

Me: "Well, that's a TV setting that we need to change."

Him: "What do I need to push to change it?"

Me: "Do you have the manual handy?"

Him: "Sort of... here's my wife."

Her: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi there, your husband is trying to change the aspect ratio on the TV."

Her: "Oh, yeah" *click click*... Done.  Thanks."

Him: "Um... ok.  I guess we're done."

Me: "Ok... Thank you for choosing Shaw."

[Alaksuleiel]

hahaha :D

I get the hubby to build my puters, so if anything goes wrong, which so far it hasn't, he can fix and I don't need to call some poor sucker in tech support.

 

[Barmacral]

Me: Thankyou for calling Brighthouse Networks, how can I help you tonight?

Him: What do you mean how can you help me?

Me: I mean how can I help resolve whatever concern you called in about.

Him: Well turn it on!

Me: I take it your service was turned off?

Him: Yea, and I paid, now turn it on!

Me: ...

 

 

Yea, the rest of the call was boring, but thats how it started. I also have a lady who wanted to know what her pin was to purchase PPV's. 0000. I told her 12 times before she finally clued in, and then hung up on me. How does it possibly take 12 times to figure out that my repeating 0000 after you ask what the Pin is means thats the pin?

[bad company]

Well your the techy you should know already

[Canukistani]

Me: "We need to find the power cable.  There should be three cables on the back of the modem: The one that screws in, that's the Cablevision Cable, then the one that looks like a phone cable, that's the Ethernet cable, then there's the third one that looks like a power cable.  Do you see those three cables?"

Him: "Yes, I can see them."

Me: "Can you see the power cable on the Modem?"

Him: "Yes.  It's the one that screws into the unit, right?"

Me: "No.  That's the cablevision cable.  You need to find the one that looks like a power cable.  Do you see that power cable?"

Him: "Oh... yeah.  I see that one.  Yeah, I can't unscrew it right now, I'm at a bad angle."

Me: "Unscr... no no.  You don't need to unscrew the power cable.  It's a power cable.  The one that unscrews is the Cablevision cable."

Him: "Oh!  OK.  Do you want me to unscrew it now then?"

Me: "What?  No.  Leave that cable alone please.  We need to look at the other cable."

Him: "The cablevision cable?  You want me to look at the Cablevision cable?"

Me: "What?  You already are looking at it.  the cablevision cable is the one that unscrews."

Him: "Ok, I'm unscrewing it now then."

Me: "No.  Don't do that.  Could you please describe the other cables?"

Him: "Ok, there's one that looks like a phone cable."

Me: "Ok, good.  What does the other one look like?"

Him: "It's round and screws in."

Me: "Ok, that's two cables.  Do you only have two cables?"

Him: "Uhhh... yes.  Two cables."

Me: "When I asked you if you could see three cables, you said yes."

Him: "Well yeah, but the third one isn't connected."

Me: "... Can you connect the third one please?"

Him: "Are you going to do that, or do you want me to do it?"

Me: "You'll need to do it.  I'm not there, you are."

Him: "Oh!  The lights all came on.  Hang on a sec.  Yeah, my phone's working now.  What happened there?"

Me: "The power cable came unplugged."

Him: "How did that happen?"

Me: "Well... I guess someone or something there unplugged it."

Him: "Well that's just stupid.  Why would you make something like that?"

Me: "Why would Motorolla make an electronic device that can be unplugged from the wall?  Well, I'd guess that they assumed that at some time the device would need to be moved for some reason and built the power cables to allow that, rather than having the prongs barbed to lock them permanently in place."

Him: "Oh... I guess that makes sense."

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  Have a nice day."

[Dunbar]

i love people

[bad company]

You love monkey fez's and see through mankini's demi!

[Dunbar]

well, yeah <.<

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, How can I help you today?"

Her: "I can't go online."

Me: "Ok, let's see... I'm just going to bring up your modem so we can check your useage.  Well, it looks like the modem is completely offline.  What lights are on this modem right now?"

Her: "Well, usually I have a whole bunch of lights."

Me: "...and... what lights are on now?"

Her: "The PC activity light usually flashes at me whenever I try to go online."

Me: "It's supposed to do that.  What lights are on the modem NOW?"

Her: "Well...  none."

Me"None?  That means there's no power going to the modem."

Her "I know.  I unplugged it to vaccuum."

Me: "Ok... We're going to have to plug it back in if you want to go online."

Her: "Oh?  Oh!  I guess so.  Oh!  It's all lit up again!  Yeah, I'm online.  I guess you get a lot of calls from idiots."

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw... bye bye."

[Canukistani]

Me: How can we help you today?"

Her: "My TV!!!  The channels are all covered with little pink and blue and green squares!  Even the Weather Channel!!!  I need it fixed!"

Me: "Ok... we let's have a look here."

*brings up account*

Me: "Ok, there doesn't seem to be anything happening in the area, so let's have a look at the Cable Box now."

Her: "Yes!!!  Check it!  I need that channel clear!"

Me: "Ok, we're going to re-program your cable box now.  Let me know when it turns off please."

Her: "It turned off!  What's wrong with it now?  I need this fixed!"

Me: "It's receiving a download now.  It's supposed do that."

Her: "Oh.  Ok then.  Can I check the Weather channel now?"

Me: "... we're going to need to wait until the download is complete, then we can go there."

*computer completes download*

Me: "Ok, let's go ahead and turn the Digital Cable Terminal back on now."

Her: "Do you want me to do that?"

Me: "Yes.  Please turn it back on."

Her: "Oh... you're not able to do that?"

Me: "No.  I'm sorry you'll have to do that."

Her: "How do I do that?"

Me: "... Uh... I don't know.  I can't see your TV.  I'd suggest doing it the way you usually do."

Her: "Oh!  It's working fine now.  Now I need to fix the colour."

Me: "The colour?"

Her: "It turns pink when I stand up."

Me: "I beg your pardon?"

Her: "The screen turns pink when I stand up, and goes back to normal when I sit down."

Me: 0_0

Her: "It seems to do it every time I'm watching two or thee particular channels."

Me: "Ok... maybe you should call Sony and see if this is an issue with this type of TV."

Her: "What's the number?"

Me: "1-877-899-7669"

Her: "1-877-899-7699?"

Me: "No. 7669."

Her: "7699?"

Me: "No.  7669."

Her: "7696?"

Me: "No.  76."

Her: "76?"

Me: "Yes.  69."

Her: "69?"

Me: "Yes. 7669."

Her: "1-899-877-7669?"

Me: *sigh* "No. 1-877-899-7669."

Her: "Oh... ok.  I'll call them then."

Me: "Ok. You have a good day now."

[bad company]

Nice deflection

[Barmacral]

Actually, I'd have done exactly the same thing.

[Canukistani]

Him: "I disassembled my DPT (Digital Phone Terminal) while I was cleaning, and now I can't remember how to put it back together.  Can you help me please?"

Me: "Sure.  In the future don't do that again.  Is there anything else I can help you with?"

 

[bad company]

Nice help there