Azrael's Tech Support Saga

[Haxorsist]

That's why I've never played D&D. I would react exactly like she did.

[bad company]

never played D&D  want to play warhammer though

 

[Dunbar]

Played warhammer a few years

 

EPIC!

 

Orks for the win *nod*

[bad company]

Rush em!!

[Dunbar]

WAAAGH!

[Alaksuleiel]

We're currently teaching my eldest how to play Magig, and then we plan to move on to Warhammer, we have the characters so we just need a decent table for it.

[Dunbar]

Ah, good times

 

I've got a shitloads of 40K orks underneath my bed

 

: p

 

I kinda miss warhammer, but it's so time (AND MONEY :( ) consuming :(

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, Charles speaking, how can we help you today?"

Him: "Uh... yeah.  I'm having a problem with my Rogers phone."

Me: "I'm sorry.  did you say that you're having difficulty with your ROGERS phone?"

Him: "Uh... yeah.  I am. and it's really pising me off now."

Me: "Oh... ok.  Well unfortunately you've reached Shaw, not Rogers."

Him: "Yeah.  Patch me through to the Rogers department."

Me: "What?"

Him: "Don't jerk me around.  Put me through to the Rogers home phone department."

Me: "You've reached Shaw, not Rogers.  Sorry, you've dialed the wrong number."

Him: "Yeah, I KNOW I reached Shaw.  You said so when you answered the phone.  Now put me through to Rogers."

Me: "Oh... OK.  I can do that for you."  *transfers call to 411*

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?"

Her: "My name and address are in the phone book."

Me: "Ok.  Is there a mistake in the book?"

Her: "Ummm... I'm in the Witness Protection Program, and now every assasin on their payroll knows where to find me."

Me: 0_0

Her: "What am I going to do?"

Me: "Uhhhh..."

Her: "They're going to kill me now." *starts crying*

*Phone goes dead*

 

0_0

[Dunbar]

o_o indeed

[Canukistani]

ok... Customer calls in with the following issue: No dial tone on phone.  Pretty basic.

I'm the 5th tech she's talked to on this issue.

I go into the device and realize that we need a Service Call at her house.

This is the 5th call booked to this house... for THIS issue.

Call #1: Tech never went to house.  They waited all day and no one showed.  The woman lost a day's wages, and had a babysitter for her child so it wouldn't interfere with the Tech.

Call #2: Tech never arrived.  Husband wiated all day, lost a day's wage, no one showed.

Call #3: Tech went to wrong address, didn't got to correct one when he realized that he was at the wrong location as it was "Too far away and would set my run back too far."

Call #4: Phone rep (TSR) told her to NOT take the time off work as we would NOT be able to go there.  She gets home and door is tagged by tech "Sorry we missed you.  Call back and we'll be happy to rebook."  At this point she's convinced that someone is trying to mess with her head.

Call #5: (my call)  I leave EXTENSIVE notes.  This is the actual email I sent to the Dispatch dept in Kelowna:

5th SC booked for same issue.

Techs did not show for 1st, 2nd and 3rd call.

Karen was told by TSR that there would NOT be a tech in the area after consult with TSR 2. Came home and door was tagged by 4th tech.

Cx is extremely furious with Shaw and our service, and is going to disco all services with us if this cannot be resolved immediately.

***MUST CALL***

tech/dispatch MUST CALL before arrival so that they know when to be home. Special needs child on site, must have time to prepare child for arrival of a stranger in house.

***MUST CALL***

contact number: 250-851-6440 (Cell) or 250-374-0314 (home)

***MUST CALL, DO NOT CANCEL***

I get email in my mailbox today saying "Tech arrived at house, no answer at door.  Marked as 'Not Home,' door tagged."

no calls made as per my explicit instructions.

 

This is the kind of thing that makes me me want to become a fisherman.

 

[Barmacral]

Oh god, that last call I can sympathize with. I had a customer who had all kinds of issues getting set up once, they got me on the line, the tech had gone out, got their service working left, and within 10 minutes nothing worked again. Turns out the tech had cancelled the call, undoing everything he'd done. We called dispatch and got everything fixed on the phone, but but this was the 4th or 5th tech that had gone out there.

[TheMasterDude]

some people are just stupid idiots and don't care about anyone else.

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?"

Him: "I'm VERY concerned right now."

Me: "Oh, what seems to be happening?"

Him: "I've been without service for over an hour and 15 minutes now.  When is everything coming back online?"

Me: "Well, let's see here."  *checks regional information*  "I see that there's a power outage in the area."

Him: "I know that.  My power went out an hour ago.  It's back now."

Me:: "Ok, well I see here that the power is actually still out in part of the city.  When the power gets restored back in the area where our equipment is, we'll get all of your services up and running right away."

Him: "That's not acceptable at all.  What am I supposed to do?  Just sit here waiting?"

Me: "Not at all.  As long as you have power, you have endless options.  It's only our services that are down right now.  Like I said, as soon as the power comes back on for the rest of the network, everything will work."

Him: "I can't beleive it.  So, you're telling me I should go with another provider?"

Me: "I... don't recall mentioning that at all sir.  I beleive what I actually said was when the power comes back on to us in the next little while, all of our services will start working."

Him: "As soon as my phone starts working again, I'm going to call back and speak with a supervisor about this.  this is absolutely unaceptable."

Me: "Absolutely.  You can do that.  We're here 24/7, so if you need to call back and have a Supervisor explain why we need power to broadcast our services or run our phone and internet servers, we'll be more than happy to explain it to you.  Or you could call the Hydro company and explain to them that their lack of power is having a negative impact on your entertainment and phone services.  thank you for choosing Shaw.  Have a good night." *click*

 

[Canukistani]

Me: "Are the lights on the modem solid?"

Him: "Yes, they are now solid."

Me: "Ok then, let's check to see if it's working."

Him: "Shouldn't we wait for the lights to stop flashing?"

Me: "Lights are flashing?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "So they're not solid?"

Him: "No."

Me: "I see... I thought you said they we solid."

Him: "I did."

Me: ... "Ok.  Just tell me when the lights go solid please."

[Canukistani]

heh... it's tough thinking of something interesting to write when the last person you spoke with broke your brain...

Me: "Ok, let's see here, what operating system are you running?"

Him: "What?  Operation what?"

Me: "Your computer... is it an Apple or a PC."

Him: "It's a computer not an apple."

Me: "Who made it?"

Him: "Future shop."

Me: "Ok... do you have a 'Start' button?"

Him: "Where?"

Me: "On your screen in the lower left hand corner."

Him: "What?  My screen is made of glass!  There's no buttons on it."

and it goes on...

 

[Canukistani]

Her: "I can't get the battery pack back into the device?"

 

Me: "It only fits in one way.  Let's try rotating the battery pack 90 degrees and trying again."

 

Her: "It still won't go in."

 

Me: "Ok, try rotating it the same direction another 90 degrees."

 

Her: "Oh... it fit that time."

 

 

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  How can we help you today?"

Her: "Is there something wrong with cable in the area?  It's been out for a really long time."

Me: "Oh, that's not good.  Let's have a look at the area and see if something is going on.  Let's just bring up your account first so we know where to look."

*brings up account on screen*

Me: "Ok... ummm... this is an Internet only account.  There is no TV service on this account."

Her: "That's not possible.  We've had cable for over a year here.  How do you explain that?"

Me: "Ok... I think I see what happened here.  It looks like you were receiving cable, but were not supposed to be.  Periodically we have Auditors go through areas and just make certain that the people are receiving the services that they are paying for.  In this instance you were just paying for internet so we turned off the Cablevision portion of your signal."

Her: "So... he came into my house while I was out to do this?"

Me: "Uh... no.  we would do this at the pole outside your house."

Her: "Why would he do that?"

Me: 0_0  "Uh... because you're not paying for it."

Her: "But I've had it for over a year!"

Me: "Yes.  That's OK.  Now, if you want cablevision, we can add it back on for you right now and you'll get your service back."

Her: "How much more will that cost?"

Me: "Well, classic cable will cost you about-"

Her: "Why should I have to pay for this?  I've been getting it for over a year now!  This is robbery!"

Me: "Yes it is Ma'am, but that's ok, we won't press charges.  We're just going to assume that the installer forgot to put in the video filters when he hooked you up so we won't charge you for the cable you've been receiving."

Her: "What?  No!  YOU are the criminals here!  YOU ARE!  I want my cable back NOW!"

Me: "You don't need to raise your voice Ma'am.  we can hook your cable back up right now and get your channels back for you, no problem."

Her: "I refuse to pay for it."

Me: "Well,,, that's going to be a problem.  If you don't want cablevision, then you don't need to pay for it.  If you DO want cablevision, you DO need to pay for it.  We sell a product called Cablevision.  It's the entertainment that you see on your Television.  We charge for this product.  If you want it, you'll need to pay for it.  We have no problem giving it to you, but we DO ask for a payment for it."

Her: "I DEMAND to speak to your Manager RIGHT NOW!  This is BULLSHIT!  There is NO REASON I should have to pay for cable!"

Me: "No problem... here's a manager."

Mgr: "Hello there Ma'am, How can we help you today?  Un huh... ok.  Yes, we do actually charge for our cable service.  We can hook up your service no problem.  We'll even waive the installation fee.  Yes, we normally charge an installation fee for hooking up cablevision.  No, we won't charge this time.  Yes we normally charge for cablevision services.  Yes we would charge you for cable service if you want it.  Yes it is a company-wide policy to charge for our services.  No, that won't be changing any time soon.  I see... No, I understand that your Husband wants this hooked up for his business internet.  No, we won't charge to reinstall Internet.  there would be no need for us to do so, is there?  Is your internet working?  It is, well that's good.  why would we charge for installing something that you currently have?  No, it's not rhetorical.  Ok, that sounds good.  You talk it over with your husband and decide if you actually do want cablevision.  No, we won't just hook it up, you'll need to ask for it at this point.  Yes, I'm certain.  Basic cable will cost $23/ month and Classic Cable will cost $50.95/month.  Yes, that already includes the discount for bundling your services.  Is there anything else we can do for you tonight? Thank you for choosing Shaw Cable."

Me: "Hello there?"

Her: "Yes?"

Me: "Is there anything else we can do for you today?"

Her: "Yes!  You can restore my cable!"

Me: "Sure thing.  I'll book the installation for you right away.  Did you want Classic Cable?"

Her: "Yes!  How much will that cost a month?"

Me: "Well... it looks like it'll cost you an extra $50.95/month."

Her: "Wha- What?"

Me: "Yes, that's what the Classic Cable costs in your area."

Her: "Forget it!" *click*

 

[bad company]

So they would have payed $75 or so for basic cable?

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  How can we help you?"

Him: "I'm trying to install Shaw Secure on my computer and... it's not working."

Me: "What's going on?"

Him: "Well, it's just stuck on 'installing' and it's been like that for over 5 minutes now."

Me: Well, it usually takes between 10 and 15 minutes for a full installation."

Him: "Oh.  Why don't I just hang up now then and I can just hope that it'll start working.  Sound like a plan?"

Me: "Well... why don't we just see what's going on."

Him: "OK.  Why don't we figure out why I don't have a Guide on my Cable box now?"

Me: "I see... usually that's caused by weak signal.  We can get a tech out there to get this fixed up for you."

Him: "Cool.  When?"

Me: "When works for you?"

Him: "Saturday.  In the evening."

Me: "Done.  We'll be there Saturday to activate your other outlets in your house so that they aren't all sharing a single connection."

Him: "Well... now what?"

Me: "Well... according to your stats, your computer has too little power to actually run Shaw Secure.  You have the option to upgrade your RAM, or you can remove Shaw Secure and go with another smaller application, or you can just wait for it to do it's thing."

Him: "Well... while we're waiting for this to go, do a game."

Me: "I was wondering when you were going to ask to play D&D.  I can't dude, I'm at work and they're recording this conversation."

Adrian: "Ok... well I think I'm going to upgrade my RAM then.  Make sure that the tech comes and fixes my shi*t!"

Me: "Done man.  He'll be there Saturday."

 

[Canukistani]

no, basic cable is 25$, classic cable (basic cable and more channels) is 50$ 

 

but they were bitching about how their cable that they weren't paying for and not getting billed for was cut off and they demanded to have their free cable restored.

[Lythnia Roylin]

Some people are ridiculous...although I will say this stuff makes me lol, since I continue to see how much stupid there is in the world.

[Canukistani]

Warning:  due to low intelligence of this transmission, we recommend that a tinfoil hat be worn while reading the following.

 

All instructions that were given to the Customer were translated into Phillipino and given to an 8 year old for the actual work.

 

Her: "I don't have an internet connection.  I just got off the phone with D-Link so I know it's not my router that's not working.  Something isn't working on your end."

Me: "Ok, well... according to our tools, the modem is working fine."

Her: "It's not my router."

Me: "Ok, let's unplug the power cable on the router so I can get a base line reading on the modem, ok?"

Her: "Ok... where do I plug it back in."

Me: "... you plug it into the port that you unplugged it from."

Her: "I have a power cable and a blue cable and a white cable.  which one plugs into port #3 and port #4?"

Me: "What?  Did you unplug the power cable?"

Her: "Yes and I don't know where it plugs into now."

Me: "There is only one power socket on the back of the router.  It doesn't look like anything else.  that's where the power connects to."

"Her: "Yes, I plugged it in there."

Me: "... OK.  What do you need help with now?  I thought you said you don't know where it plugs in?"

Her: "I don't."

Me: "You... you just said that it's plugged in.  Right now.  You just said so."

Her: "It is."

Me: "Ok.  What?  Is it plugged into the router or not?"

Her: "I don't know."

Me: "Can... what?  What do you mean 'I don't know?'  Can you look at the router and tell me if it has lights on it or not please?"

Her: "It does."

Me: "Then it has power."

Her: "I'm not sure where the white cable plugs in now."

Me: "What white cable?  what is the other end of the white cable connected to?"

Her: "I don't know."

Me: "Can you go look please?"

Her: "I can't see what it's connected to."

Me: "Ok... can you see the ethernet cable that comes out of the back of the modem?"

Her: "Yes, it's blue."

Me: "Ok, plug the blue one into the Internet port on your router please."

Her: "I don't know what port that is."

Me: Port #1-#4 is for the computers only.  the other port is for the modem."

Her: "Yeah... that's where the white cable is plugged in."

Me: "Ok... that's wrong.  We need the blue cable in there."

Her: "Ok... what do I do with the white cable."

Me: "What's the other end of that cable plugged into?"

Her: "Nothing."

Me: "Then that cable goes into storage."

Her: "Not in the internet port?"

Me: "No.  Now, let's go over to your computer and see if you can go online."

Her: "No... it's saying that there is no internet connection."

Me: "Ok, let's plug that white cable into the computer and the other end into port #1 on the router."

Her: "Ok, it's still not working."

Me: "It won't.  We have to change the setting in your laptop from wireless to wired."

Her: "I want it to be wireless."

Me: "We'll get there... we need to test it first.  Close all open windows and oopen a new Internet Explorer window please."

Her: "Ok, now it says page cannot be displayed."

Me: "Ok, let's go into the control panel, Network and Sharing.  what does it say about the Local Area Connection?"

Her: "It says "Network cable is unplugged."

Me: "Ok, that means a network cable is unplugged.  Let's look at the cable."

Her: "It's not connected to my computer."

Me: "What?  You JUST said that it was."

Her: "Oh, you need it connected?"

Me: "Well... only if you want to go online.  Now when I asked you if it was connected to your computer, you said yes.  Now it's not?  Did it fall out?  Did you remove it from the computer after you told me it was connected?"

Her: "It was never plugged in."

Me: *sigh*  "Ok, well let's go plug it in."

Her: "But I want to be wireless!"

Me: "I want to drive a Corvette.  One step at a time.  Once your computer can go online, then we can worry about wireless."

Her: "It says "Connected" now."

Me: "Ok, let's go online.  Open Internet Explorer please."

Her: "It's still not working."

Me: "Ok, let's bypass this router right now please.  Plug the cable that comes from the modem directly into the computer."

Her *sigh* "Fine.  I know it works this way."

Me: "Then we know everything except the router is working.  I'd recommend wither calling D-Link back or taking the defective router back to where you bought it and getting one that works.  Thank you for choosing Shaw, Happy New Year."

 

[Canukistani]

Her: "I hate Shaw!  I'm so sick of not having services!  If you don't get my shit working right now I'm going to go with another provider for everything!"

Me: "What's not working?"

Her: "I have no TV service and no phone service.  None!  At all!"

Me: "Ok, let's have a look and see if there's anything listed in the area that could be affecting your services like this."

Her: "Of course there is!  I wouldn't have this issue if it wasn't affecting the whole area!  Now fix it!"

Me: "Ok, it doesn't look like anything is listed here.  Let's look at the Phone Terminal.  what lights are on right now."

Her: "None!  that's what I'm telling you here!  There's no lights, there's no service!"

Me: "Well, no lights on the Digital Phone Terminal means that there's no power going to it.  Let's check the outlet."

Her: "I happen to have a lamp plugged into the other plug on the outlet so I can show you right now that it's working just... the lamp won't turn on."

Me: "I think there's no power going to the outlet there.  Can you plug the Phone power plug into a different outlet."

Her: "Hunh... my phone is working now.  Ok...  Umm...  What about my TV!  I STILL don't have TV!"

Me: *sigh* "Ok, let's go have a look at your TV now.  Is there any lights llit up on the front of your TV or Cable Box?"

Her: "No... none."

Me: "Ok, let's have a look at anything else that's plugged into this outlet."

Her: "Uh... yeah... my DVD player won't turn on either."

Me: "Maybe we should check your breaker and see if anything there isn't quite right."

Her: "Hang on...  I'm not about to go scrambling into my basement to poke around in my breaker box.  Send a tech out here to do that!"

Me: "Well, our guys don't go into the electrical boxes.  we could give you the number for an electrician to come and switch your breakers on, but they usually charge around $150/hour."

Her: "Oh... hang on a sec."  *sound of feet on stairs, metal door opening, switches being thrown and clicking into place.*

Her: "Ok, now my TV is working and I don't have any picture though, so send a tech out here now to fix my Cable Box!"

Me: "Could you press the power button on the cable box please?"

Her: "... It's working.  Fine!"  *Click*

 

[Azrael]

You know... I've come to a sad realization.  I work in a job where the people who don't know how to make a TV work need help.  these people are the retarded, the clueless, the drunken arguers and the so stoned that they have forgotten why they called in the first place.  They have unsuccessfully tried to operate one of the most basic of electronic devices on the face of the planet.

 

Once I realized this, my job became easier because I stopped expecting anything from them.  It's nice when we talk to someone who knows what's going on and just have a couple of questions they want cleared up, or people who actually DO have an issue that needs to be fixed, but the vast majority of my calls are from people who are just too stupid to work a remote.

 

I will get a dozen calls a week that are all the same:

Customer: "I fell asleep and rolled onto my remote, now nothing works.  Fix it!"

Now I have to not only know how to make our electronics work (the easy part) but I'm also a Time Detective who can go back in time, see for myself the sh!t that got messed in the first place and fix it (a little tougher.)  and if i fail to do so immediately, they get angry.

Even those people are nothing compared to this call.  And honestly I get this call at least twice a week.  More when I'm working the early shift:

 

Them: "I'm not getting TV now.  What's wrong?"

Me: "Ok, it looks like everything is good in your area, let's have a look at the cable box.  Is the power light lit up on the cable box?"

Them: "What?  Yes.  The power light is on."

Me: "Ok, what do you see on your screen right now?"

Them: "Nothing.  It's black."

Me: "Ok, is the TV turned on?"

Them: "I think so.  How can I tell?"

Me: "You can check by pressing the power button on the front of your TV."

Them: "Oh!  It's working now!  What was wrong?"

Me: "Your TV was turned off.  Next time at least try to turn the TV on before calling us."

 

Basic electronics troubleshooting is beyond most "average" people's abilities.  Fortunately the tech-savvy are slowly outbreeding the "Brick-and-Gear" set so I can only hope that in a dozen years there will be none of the Brick-and-Gear set left alive.

 

And I'm doing my part to eliminate them wherever possible:

 

Him: "How can I tell if there's actually an electrical current running through this wire?"

Me: "Well, you could always touch the end of the wire to your tongue.  If it tingles it's live.  If not, it's not.  Or you could go to the store and spend $12 on a circuit tester to test for you."

Him: "Nah.  I'll use my tongue."

Excellent choice my mouth-breathing friend, excellent choice.

 

And occasionally the brick-and-gears will off themselves with little or no encouragement from me:

Me: "Ok, we'll need to see if the cable has worked itself loose from the wall outlet.  They can do that over time."

Her: "Ok, but it'll take me a minute or two.  the entertainment unit is pretty big and heavy.  Can I put the phone down?"

Me: "Absolutely.  Take your time."

*phone clicks onto table top.  Sound of something heavy scraping across a wooden surface.  Loud BOOM and a scream of pain.  Low moaning in distance.

*puts customer on hold.  Dials 911*

911: "police fire or ambulance?"

Me: "Ambulance."

911: "What is your location sir?"

Me: "It's not for me.  I work at a call center doing tech support for cablevision.  One of our customers has had an accident in her home while on the phone with me."

911: "What sort of accident?"

Me: "I beleive an entertainment unit and television set has fallen onto her.  Her address is ____________."

911: "This is highly unusual.  I... I'm not sure if we can dispatch this.  What if she's fine when we get there?"

Me: "What if she's crushed to death under a massive cabinet while we discus this.  Like I said, I work in a call center, she is, or was at this point, a customer.  She was moving a large shelving unit to examine the wiring and it fell.  I heard her scream and now she's maoning incoherently.  Do you understand what I just told you?"

911: "I... yes.  It's just that..."

Me: "Ok, we're done here.  Talk with whomever you need to, and then decide if you send an ambulance or let her die.  Have a nice day." *disconnects call*

Me: *goes back to customer on hold* "Hello ma'am?  Is everything all right?"

*more faint moaning in background*

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  Bye bye." *click*