Need help

[Jarred Darque]

Morning everyone, I normally do not post on forums in serach of help, especially emotional help, but I am having problems, and foresee them persisting.

 

Wednesday afternoon I ended a 6 year relationship.  It was a mutual seperation, she is wanting to head back home to live after graduation, whereas I am taking the first train out of the state after I graduate, which is a year after her graduation.  I am, quite simply, having problems coping.  I cannot sleep, cannot get her out of my mind, I am involunatarily thinking about all the plans we had made, thinking of all the great times that we have had.  Quite simply, I still lover her, and will for some time.  My heart tells me to hope that perhaps things will change, while my mind tells me not to expect her to choose me over her home, her family and friends.  I am having issues not hearing her voice as often as I am used to, I talked to her once today when she let me know that she had arrived home safetly and that was it.  I have called her once since, even though I know that this was not the best thing to do, and she did not answer.  I a also ajealous person, and am well, jealous, of any other opportunities that may present themselves to her.  I want only the best for her, and yet, I want her for myself. I mean, six years of dating, I have no idea who I am without her, no idea what to do without her.  Even doing my normal activities that I do when we are not together, I have problems putting forth normal attention towards them.  I am constantly battling my regrets over things I did, or should not have done, that have led to this.  A few hours after we broke up, I went over there ot talk to her, and we talked to her for a few hours, and she admitted that she was not happy, and had felt that we where growing apart over the last few months, which I understand her feelings, but I feel that is mostly due to our lack of time spent together which both of us focusing on our studies.  She also said that events of 3 years ago, (I will go into these a little bit at the end) she has not gotten over, and that those are part of the reason for her decision.

 

The events I mentioned, 3 years ago I left the military and started college, same school as her.  We went form a long distant relationship over 3 years, to living a matter of minutes apart and seeing each other every day.  This was a difficult time for us, we where having to deal with each others every day nuances, and had to learn alot more about each other.  As the months wore on, I felt, as she did, that we where starting to grow apart then, some of it seeing as how we did not spend our time together quite the same as we had used to when we only saw each other once or twice a month.  (Yes, in those days we spent alot of our time together in bed).  Near the end of October, I left her near the beginning of the week, I went to a party that friday, and on saturday, I went to visit an ex-girlfriend in another town and spent the rest of the weekend there.  I was contacted by this girl a few weeks previously, however, it did not play any part in my decision to leave my girlfriend at that time.  the following week, me and my girlfriend had gotten back together, after I had told her about the event of the weekend. This had continued to be a problem randomly throughout the next three years we where together, and she listed it as part of her reasons on wednesday.

 

 

I do not know what I am looking for here, consalation, advice, I dont know.  But if anyone has any words to put forth, I am listening.

[Ozhammer]

Mate, you just gotta hang tough. Things will get better but you just have to have the resolve to know that you can get through this tough period. If you are meant to be together, then that will sort itself out over time, and if you are not, well, time will prepare you and make it easier. The worst thing you can do is stay together for the wrong reasons. If she doesnt want to be with you at this time, you just have to accept it mate. But things WILL get better. Think of it as a test. Life will try to kick you in the balls, but its all about the experience, and it will make you a stronger and more complete person.

[the dude]

The man talks sense.  I couldn't have said it better myself; listen to the oz, he knows what he's talking about.  I know from personal experience that that likely isn't what you want to hear, but he's right.  Let it ride, power through it, and que sera, man.

[Cadsuane]

If you're not already thinking about it, I also suggest a no-contact policy, or at most a brief email every few months, no phone calls or in-person contact. It's very very rare that a person can be friends with an ex without a decent period of freedom to get over them. I've watched too many of my friends try and maintain some close relationship immediately after breaking up with someone, and it's never been a good idea. It's too easy to continue to depend srongly on that person instead of figuring out what your life needs to be (and what you want it to be) without them starring in a major role.

 

Also, exercise helps. Seriously. Go for a run, play soccer or basketball, swim, whatever you like to do. The physical activity really does give you a way to channel anger, sadness, anxiety, depression, all the things you feel at one time or another during this kind of event.

[Alys Kinch]

Listen to the dude. He's really awesome at relationships. Trust me. He has a hand in the fact that my marriage isn't ripped to pieces right now.

 

Don't totally block her out, but definately don't reach for her where it's not necessary. Give yourself a little bit of alone time and a little bit of people time. A good balance of both is really important. You need the distractions as well as the time to tie all the loose ends inside your head.

 

Personally, I went and got really drunk one time (at a safe place) then moved on. Que sera is absolutely correct.

[the dude]

Listen to the dude. He's really awesome at relationships. Trust me. He has a hand in the fact that my marriage isn't ripped to pieces right now.

 

Flatterer!  ;D  You're sweet for saying so, m'dear.  Really though, all's I'm saying is that Oz, and Cads and Alys have given some really good advice here.  Easier said than done, but man, it's gotta be done.

[Jarred Darque]

Well, on trying to maintain our distance from each other, that is going to be literally impossible for us not to interact often.  We are financially tied together atm, with no way to end it, since she is unable to buy me out of the loan, and her family is unable to buy me out of the loan on her car  (I am the lead cosigner, and her and her family do not have the credit to refinance the loan)  she is under my insurance policy, only because that was the only way she could afford insurance.  she doesnt know anyone who knows how to take care of the saltwater tank in her living room, unless she pays someone from the LFS to do it, which she cant afford...also...we kinda work together, and it is in a job that requires personal interaction.

 

Yeah I know, it makes things difficult, but I am also not tryin to make excuses here either, there are just some things that we had done that brought our lives together that cannot be gotten out of.

[Alys Kinch]

and that's o.k. as long as you set boundaries. how far you go is up to you, so long as it is livable for as long as it needs to be. but boundaries are likely very necessary.

 

teach her to do the things you know how to do and did for her because, simply, you can't always be there for her. if move on is the name of the game, you will likely find it extremely hard to wait for her calls and move on. also, get her to teach you in the same manner, if necessary, as a repayment. doing so could be a step to maintaining respect for each other.

 

it's hard to say exactly what to do without details that i won't ask for and you probably shouldn't give. broad strokes help though.

[Majsju]

Allow yourself to mourn. Seriously, I speak from painful experience here. Trying to walk around pretending that everything is hunky dory Will come back and bite you in that bodypart you want to use for sitting down. Get drunk, scream, cry,punch stuff (not doors, not good to get holes in them...) or whatever suits you. But mourn.

And don't be afraid to tell people around you how you feel. Bad stuff happens to all of us, it is nothing to be ashamed of. But pretending that everything is fine takes its toll.

 

[ironcross]

i went thrugh a simmilar experience. was engaged to be married even and then all of a sudden it was all " i think we should just be friends". so i feel your pain bro.  hang tuff, lissten to oz, he gives good advice.  worst thing i did was to try and hold on and get her back.  lost like 4 months of my life to that.  now God has given me an beutifull wife and an son, so things do work out.  just hang tuff

[Jarred Darque]

So, here I am.  12:20am on the 22nd of October.

A little bit about me.

I am 25 years old.  Ex-military, in college for Mechanical Engineering, in my 4th year.  And single.

 

Now, for the full truth.  I am 25 years old.  I was kicked out of the military just after my 4-year mark for insubordnation and AWOL (I missed a change of command ceremony).  I missed the ceremonry, was given an article 15, and punished.  I served my time in Correctional Custody, and went back to work, no loss of pay or stripes, but I had a second chance.  9 months later, I was served with seperation papers under the Air Forces Force Shaping program Phase 2, after my NCOIC felt that I had not shown any improvement since my Arty 15 (even though I had remained out of trouble) and was seperated.  I took my terminal leave in August, I started school at La. Tech University for Mech Eng in SEptember '04.  I had been in a relationship for over 3 years at that point, she went to Tech as well.  2 months later, I brokw up with her, slept with an ex, confessed, and she took me back.  Sometimes things were great in the relationship, often though they became rocky.  MY GPA went from a 3.5 my first quarter, to a 2.3 Winter '06 quarter, and up to a 2.4 Spring '07.  I am a full year behind, will not graduate until Sping '09 now.  I am doing poorly in two of my classes, and if I fail one of them, it will put me back another entire year.  I have no financial aid, I have been relying on my folks to pay for school for the last 2 years, as my GI bill covers bills and some spending cash, which I squander on frivolities....I have around 3,000 dollars invested in my 2 main fish tanks (one of which is at the ex's apartment).  I have one friend, and only one friend.  I have not kept in contact with anyone i went to high school with except my recent ex.  I smoke.  I have put on 35 lbs since I left the military (brings me up to 180, I am 5'5".  I sit behind a computer every day for hours on end.  I rarely eat a home-cooked meal, almost always fast food.

 

I have spent 2 hours tonight talking with the ex, getting things off my chest, saying what I felt.  The relationship IS over, no matter how much I want her back, it does not appear that she feels that it is worth it.  Her reason for leaving, I cannot blaim her.  I had become complacent in recent years, taking advantage of the thought that me and her would be together forever, and thus instead of putting foward effort into the relationship, been putting effort into other things, like my tanks, or Everquest 2...This is a cause of many of hte rocky times we have had.  I had not been showing her how much I cared for her, at all.  There where no more flowers, no more shwon interest in her studies, results on her papers and research.  I have not loved her less as time went on, in fact, I have grown to love her more, but I did nothing to show it.  We had many arguments of position I took on issues, that when I look back at them, some of them where very stupid, and I stood my ground only out of stubbornish (sp?)  For all of this, I am guilty, and it is my fault, I cannot blame her for being unhappy.  the only thing that she faults me with I do not regret, is that she calls me overprotective.  I do like to know where she is and what she is up to, not out of fear of what she will do, but I loved her to the point that I was so very worried of what could happen to her.  The people who go missing on the news, car accidents, any of these things happening to her would have devastated me...kinda ironic that my actions to the one thing I feared are what caused my fears to come true.

 

I cried alot on wednesday and thursday.  I cried some of Friday, especially when I went to see my one friend, and I broke down once  I got up to his apartment.  I did not cry saturday, but had some mini panic attacks.  I had some pretty rough moments today, but did not cry...came close...and was in near solid tears for the 2 hours I was talking with my ex.  I told her my biggest regret, and this kinda shows how little effort I was putting into the relationship.  I cannot remember our last kiss, our last hug, or the last time I told her I loved her.  I know WHEN they where, but I cannot remember the actual act..I was on autopilot so to speak.  I remember the first time we kissed, 8 YEARS ago, but cannot remember the last, not even a week gone.  I remember the first time I told her I loved her, almost SIX years ago, but cannot remember from a week ago.

 

After I left, I called my dad, woke him up right at aobut midnight, I had to talk to him, I had to hear him say some stuff.  That it would be ok, that my parents where not disappointed in me after my failures at everything I have tried, and it helped, some, but yet, I do not know if I truelly believe it.  I do not know, if what he said was how he really felt, or if what he said was him trying to be a good father, which he has always been.  What makes this worse, is that I am my fathers only son, his only chance to carry on his name, his proffession, I am his only son, and yet, I cannot do things right.

 

I am ending this post right now, and am in tears again, thinking of the disappointment I know that my father must feel, the hurt my ex must feel that I have all caused.

 

I do not know WHY I am writing this out, just, that i need to, I do not know that this is the right place to do so, I am most certain it is not.  But I do not keep a journal, I do not write unless I intend to have it read by someone else

 

FYI, I am not writing this as a suicide note, I have thought about it, but I know how much it tears me up with the pain that I have caused, that I dare not commit suicide because of the pain that I would cause in my parents, and at least for now, my ex.

 

I have decided not to end this, but to go on with my current plans for life.

 

Today, is a new day in my life.  I have nothing left to lose, only place to go is up.

Tomorrow morning at 8am, I go and take my thermo 2 test.  I will fail it, even though I will continue to study for it through the night, I will try, but not likely I can pass...having missed alot of class the last few days, and not knowing there was a test till late saturday night.  After class, I will go to the counselors office, I will set up a weekly appoinment schedule to speak with a persoanl counselor.  I will go to Wal-Mart, pick up a pack of Nicotine Patches, and food.  I will come home, I will cook and eat decent.  I will go running.  I may only make it half a mile before I can go no further, I may make it 5 carried on by adrenaline, I will see tomorrow.  At some point, I am sure I will have to meet with my Basic MEasurements lab group, they will get shoved between stuff in the schedule appropriately.  I will hop online, send an email to my guild leader in Everquest 2, and resign.  I will do my homework for CADs, I will sleep, however, I may still need tylenol PM to do so, or I might be able to crash for hte first time in a week.  I will do this, because it is the only thing that I can do.  I MUST continue.  The only things that I will also be doing, that are not for hte best maybe, is that I will continue until forced not to, to get her back.  Otherwise, I will have nothing to hold on to.  I suffer from mild depression as it is, a good day for me, I am still depressed.  A bad day...well...shoulda seen me this week...

 

for any gamers, and anyone else who would like to know why I am quitting the one 'social' activity I am involved in.  I realize now, that the 8-20 hours a week I have beenspending in game, are 8-20 more hours a week I could have had with my ex.  400-1,000 hours a YEAR I could have had with her, that I did not have this last year.  Even though I will nto be spending that 400-1000 yearly free hours with her, it is hours I can put towards something that really matters, and one day, time I can put towards someone in the future.  Time I can spend showing how much I can love.

 

it is now 12:57am, and I am getting back to studying.

[Alys Kinch]

Jared, I have the feeling that you just need to take your time and grow up a bit. Errr... I realize that you are older than I am, but... maturity is different than age. It took years of marriage then a short separation for my husband to realize what he had. And he only got to keep it because I am to damn stuborn to let the best thing in my life go.

 

Take your time, figure out what is important. Laugh. Search for things to specifically make you laugh.

 

If your parents are disappointed because you failed at something everyone fails at... they can't be worth pleasing much at all. And it sounded like they said they weren't. You have time to find the right things for your life to work out. Don't be in such a rush.

[Cadsuane]

Today, is a new day in my life.  I have nothing left to lose, only place to go is up.

Tomorrow morning at 8am, I go and take my thermo 2 test.  I will fail it, even though I will continue to study for it through the night, I will try, but not likely I can pass...having missed alot of class the last few days, and not knowing there was a test till late saturday night.  After class, I will go to the counselors office, I will set up a weekly appoinment schedule to speak with a persoanl counselor.  I will go to Wal-Mart, pick up a pack of Nicotine Patches, and food.  I will come home, I will cook and eat decent.  I will go running.  I may only make it half a mile before I can go no further, I may make it 5 carried on by adrenaline, I will see tomorrow.  At some point, I am sure I will have to meet with my Basic MEasurements lab group, they will get shoved between stuff in the schedule appropriately.   I will hop online, send an email to my guild leader in Everquest 2, and resign.  I will do my homework for CADs, I will sleep, however, I may still need tylenol PM to do so, or I might be able to crash for hte first time in a week.  I will do this, because it is the only thing that I can do.  I MUST continue. 

 

I admire that you have set a plan. It gives you edges to cling to, a way to count measurable steps toward change, instead of floundering around without solid ground to stand on. If you are like me, having said it aloud in such a way that others know of it will help make sure you carry it out.  :)

[Minuet]

Jarred,

Ending any phase in our lives or relationships there is always a transition time. First off morn the loss of what might have been and hold on to the good memories as well as the bad.

I noticed you are setting out to make a lot of changes. That is good, however if you succeed in only changing one thing a week that is still one step closer to making a better life. I tend to work better at baby steps. If I try to change too much at once I fail. That is just me, so if for some reason you don't do all of those changes, remember change what you can for now and move on forward. Every step forward is at least a step forward.

We all tend to disappoint our parents, even when we succeed and do everything right. So, don't worry about that. Parents tend to have a different perception of the people they think we are and the true people we are.

I would do like has been mentioned before. Set some boundaries for contact with your ex. She probably needs some breathing room. After your morning period is over take a hard look at what you did right and wrong. Then look at what she did right and wrong. Learn from that so that you don't make the same mistakes again. Let your heart heal. When the time is right you will meet someone who is right for you and you right for them. I honestly started dating my hubby when I had given up on finding Mr. Right and just wanted to have fun. Jan 10th will make 21 years of marriage.

I might make a suggestion though. Don't loose your identity when you date someone. Too often I see this happen with people. They stop being who they were before they started seeing someone. This can lead the person they are dating to stop wanting to see them because they aren’t who they met. I hope I worded that in a way you could understand it. My son did this with a really bad relationship. He changed to please his then girlfriend and behaved in a way that isn’t him. His now ex said that he had changed too much for her and she “fell out of love with him”.  She is the one who insisted on the changes in the first place and didn’t like what she had created. However, by giving up control and letting her do it he gave up who he was too. So, remember that you first need to be true to yourself. Make sure you are on track with what you want and who you want to be. The rest will fall in to place when it needs to.

So, morn then move on and be you. That is the best advice I can think of. Oh, and remember to enjoy life when you can. 

[Ozhammer]

Mate, you aint the lone ranger. Think of the thousands of people who have it worse than you. You still go to school, you have parents that love you, you just gotta get up and look at life in the face and say "is that all youve got"?

Remember youre a man, youve served your country, you are working towards a degree which you WILL finish. Life aint so bad mate, its all before you. You just have to realise it!!!

It will get better mate!

[HoppyQ]

Jarred,

 

Man, I don't usually like to get involved in other's people's lives but I had to say something after reading your posts.  DON'T give up.  I know where your at right now.  I won't go into too much detail but I have flunked out of college (losing a football scholarship in the process), been engaged twice and they both left me, was kicked out of the Navy for gross insubordination.  Got married and almost screwed that up.  I have since then gone back to college, got a very good job, have a wonderful wife, a beautiful son and a nice place to live.  It can and will get better for you.  Just hang in there.  It sounds like  you have a good plan so stick to it but remember you are also going to slip and fall once in a while and you need to just get up and keep going and when it does happen, don't beat yourself up about it.  Whatever you do, don't give up on yourself because whether you believe it or not, they're a lot of people that aren't giving up on you.  Take care of yourself and keep posting.  There are a lot of good people on this site that are always willing to give some support.

[Jarred Darque]

Day 2 is over.

I have done well on the not smoking thing, even though it has only been a very short scheme of things in the overall.

 

I messed up..again..today.

 

She needed my help, she broke her glasses and could not drive to her optometrist appoint, I gave her a ride, I picked her up, we grabbed some food, things where going fine, we came backto my palce to watch some TV, she was going to do some scrapbooking.  I started talking, and could not stop.  We had another one of those 3 hour conversations about 'us'.  She was convinced to set some boundries.  It seems, at least I think so, that I may have a better chance of us getting back together than I thought, she said that she does not know if it will happen, but there is a possibility, given time and space.  I continue to hope.  We set some boundries as well on when that hope is over, for either of us, dependant on when either of us enters a relationship of a certain seiousness, basically, it comes down to when either of us starts sleeping with someone else.  She also said not to expect anything inside a few months, at least not until I have shown that I have quit smoking.  that has been the longest ongoing problem in the relationship,

 

These are not all my thoughts of the day or anything, but I have other stuff I do NEED to get done irght now

[Alys Kinch]

it's amazing how frank and open you can be when you think it's over. don't hope where there is none, but if there is truely room for it, strive for being who you feel you should be rather than her image of you.

 

anyway, good luck. and it's good you got the boundaries down. they are the most important thing.

[Jarred Darque]

haha. um.. I dont remember what time I wrote that...oh yeah..now I do. I think,  boundries broken, but not completely.  and back up with slightly new boundries and understandings.

 

there is some bit of hope, for one, there is always hope for anything, but there is more hope than just that amount here.

 

As for my changes, the changes that she desired in me, are the changes that I also desire in myself, not just for her, but because they will make me a better person.  Honestly, who shouldn't try to take care of themselves?  Stop smoking...yeah, a good idea.  A bit more willing to talk with emotions vs. bottling them up to let them come out as anger over stupid stuff...good choice.  Listening to the signifigant other..that tends to be a good thing.

[Alys Kinch]

especially because then they don't have to nag. please, guys, take that one to heart. what you call nagging, we call repeating the things you didn't listen to the first time (or ten) around. ;)

 

again, i fully approve of you doing things for you, and all the better if they are what she asked of you. keep boundaries in tact; constantly changing them is only confusing. make concerted efforts, and don't be too hard on yourself when you fail.

[Ozhammer]

Nah, youre a bloke, your not supposed to be emotional!