Join the Mocking Frenzy!!

[Krakalakachkn]

 

Hey all you would-be mockers and funnypersons, welcome to the Mocking Thread!  This thread is for all of us that don't have kids.  This is the place for us to poke fun and mock all those people who decided sleep is a thing of the past.

 

For me, kids are an interesting idea.  You spend the best years of your life waking up at 2am and changing poopy diapers.  Me, I prefer to hit that sweet spot, that ever-elusive REM cycle that leaves you feeling oh-so-good in the morning.  I prefer not to assault my nostrils with creamed pea feces or having baby vomit projectiled in my general direction.  Also, let's not forget the terrible two's, the most fun part of any toddler's life.  The teething, the crying, the bitching, the hitting, and the general crankiness.  The parents are in a perpetually bad mood, they can't go out, and it's so much work.

 

So if you, like me, haven't experienced the terror and frustration of being a child's plaything, join the dark side and experience the thrill of mockery.  Let us make fun of the social life lacking adults and enjoy our freedom!

 

LET THE MOCKING BEGIN!

[Nynaeve]

When you're up every night to a screaming baby - WE SLEEP

 

When you can't find even one item of clothing without spit stains on it - We show up in style!

 

When you stay home with the baby - We spontaneously fly to Timbuktu!

 

When your baby swallows a coin you rush him/her to the hospital - When we swallow a coin we make jokes about a vending machine!

 

 

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Nyn

[Mystica]

When you're frantically trying to subdue your tantrum throwing screeching toddler in the supermarket - we're the ones being free to just walk out and save our ears.

 

When you have to go home because the kid needs to go to bed - we're the ones drinking up all the stuff you didn't have time for

 

When you're emerged in Disney movies and Teletubbies - we get to drool over the hot dude and his many skills

 

When you win an 'all inclusive weekend to a spa for two' - we're the ones you give it to because you can't find a babysitter

 

8)

[ThorkinBarrimore]

Unlike being a parent, the best relation is the Uncle/Aunt.

We can be close to the action and never have ANY disciplinary

responsibilities....we're always the "cool one."

 

Unlike grandparents, we can spoil as well but retain our "hipness."

 

[Krakalakachkn]

At first I didn't think I had any stories to put here, but then I really thought about it, and I remembered a good one..So here it is.

 

Two years ago, my daughter was 2 1/2 almost 3, and I bought a beautiful house. My daughter was one of those kids that never got into anything. I didn't need childproof anything, because she never thought to open anything. She didn't climb or run in the house. I could set her in the living room with a box of blocks, she would line them and then put them back in the box then line them up again. She wouldn't even knock them over. If I built a tower and knocked it over she would cry. She was just that way.

 

We moved into the house and I scrubbed it. Top to bottom every inch, sparkling. To give us a break my mother in law came over and said she would watch my daughter while my then boyfriend (now husband) and I went out for supper. We were only gone for 2 hours and when we came home my daughter showed a painting they had done. I put it on the fridge and "oohed" an d "ahhed".

 

The next day I went back over the rooms in the upstairs of the house to finish cleaning/make sure it was cleaned right. When it was time for nap I brought my 3 year old to bed, read her a story and tucked her in. That was all I ever needed to do and she would be out like a light till nap time was over. I came downstairs and cleaned more and started unpacking.

 

About twenty minutes passed and I thought I heard a noise upstairs, so I went to check. I got the top of the stairs and my heart almost stopped. My daughter was standing, naked, in the hall covered with red and green paint. There were little 3 year old sized footprints in red and green paint leading from her bedroom to the bathroom. The sink had a dish with paint in it and was covered in paint and the toilet was clogged with paper towel (that she had used to try to clean up) and there was paint dripping off it. In her room there was two bottles of paint emptied onto the hardwood floor.

 

I filled up the tub, which had painted fingerprints, and scrubbed her off. Then I tried desperately to clean the spilled paint, and footprints off of the new, previously just mopped, hardwood floors, and then tried to get all the paint off of the sink, bathtub and toilet.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh man that sucks.  A dog would never have done that!

[Adella]

Unlike being a parent, the best relation is the Uncle/Aunt.

We can be close to the action and never have ANY disciplinary

responsibilities....we're always the "cool one."

 

Unlike grandparents, we can spoil as well but retain our "hipness."

 

 

True fact right there. Being an Aunt has all they joys of parenthood and none of the negatives! :D

[Nynaeve]

When you breast feed your kid - I [CNESORED]

 

;D

 

 

 

 

Nyn

[Torrie]

At first I didn't think I had any stories to put here, but then I really thought about it, and I remembered a good one..So here it is.

 

Two years ago, my daughter was 2 1/2 almost 3, and I bought a beautiful house. My daughter was one of those kids that never got into anything. I didn't need childproof anything, because she never thought to open anything. She didn't climb or run in the house. I could set her in the living room with a box of blocks, she would line them and then put them back in the box then line them up again. She wouldn't even knock them over. If I built a tower and knocked it over she would cry. She was just that way.

 

We moved into the house and I scrubbed it. Top to bottom every inch, sparkling. To give us a break my mother in law came over and said she would watch my daughter while my then boyfriend (now husband) and I went out for supper. We were only gone for 2 hours and when we came home my daughter showed a painting they had done. I put it on the fridge and "oohed" an d "ahhed".

 

The next day I went back over the rooms in the upstairs of the house to finish cleaning/make sure it was cleaned right. When it was time for nap I brought my 3 year old to bed, read her a story and tucked her in. That was all I ever needed to do and she would be out like a light till nap time was over. I came downstairs and cleaned more and started unpacking.

 

About twenty minutes passed and I thought I heard a noise upstairs, so I went to check. I got the top of the stairs and my heart almost stopped. My daughter was standing, naked, in the hall covered with red and green paint. There were little 3 year old sized footprints in red and green paint leading from her bedroom to the bathroom. The sink had a dish with paint in it and was covered in paint and the toilet was clogged with paper towel (that she had used to try to clean up) and there was paint dripping off it. In her room there was two bottles of paint emptied onto the hardwood floor.

 

I filled up the tub, which had painted fingerprints, and scrubbed her off. Then I tried desperately to clean the spilled paint, and footprints off of the new, previously just mopped, hardwood floors, and then tried to get all the paint off of the sink, bathtub and toilet.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh man that sucks.  A dog would never have done that!

 

Not true! I know a few who would and have!

[Red2111]

Benifits of having furry four legged kids

 

- nutering/spaying them to pervent unwanted grand kids

- some dogs do come with a hand book

- training classes work

- you can put them on a leash

- when they get to yappy you can muzzle them

- when the muzzle fails you can de-bark them

- need some alone time, just lock them in a kennel

- their toys are less costly, and they are often amused with a stinky old shoe

- when you talk to them they listen

- they always show their appreciation and love for you

 

and most importantly

 

- they lack opposable thumbs

 

 

 

 

[Bela_theDo]

I dont have a kid or a dog  :( But I was a kid in the past and I very well remember how my parents suffered from me  :) That is mostly why I dont want to have a child one day, because I am afraid my mom is prepared to train her grandchildren to make our lives miserable  :P