A Memory of Light and an Education.

[Luckers]

Someone asked me what i would do if i wrote the final book. In honour of my Five Thousandth post, here you are.

 

A Memory of Light

 

And there shall come a time;

a dark time when true evil,

shall visit the world.

 

And low shall be people's hearts,

for in this time they cannot challange parking tickets.

Hark, the sadness.

 

But fear not, for one shall come to fight the Darkness.

And he shall be great, and very pretty.

I mean... the dude shall have three wives.

 

A total stud.

 

So worry not. For light and polygamy shall come once again to the world.

 

From the Cycle of Tarmon Gai'don

(trans. A bit of strife with that dark guy.)

 

Translated by Ho'mer Sim-son

Royal Historian of the Court of the Light

Keeper of the scrolls that make sense after the fact.

Translator of gibberish poetry.

Drinker of beer.

 

A wind rose in the north. It was not a beginning, that would be silly--winds are presure fronts--but it was a good plot device. And as such it blew south, carrying with it the scent of trollocs. Far and fast it blew, and everywhere people smelt the putrid scent of unwashed genetic hybrids, and they felt great fear.

 

Some began to speak out, saying they should organize. The shadow was coming, they said. Others spoke out, saying that they must guard against darkfriends in their own community. More still sat rinkling their noses at the smell, yet somehow managed satisfied smiles; and when asked their opinion they gave gently smug reminders that THEY had been against stem-cell research.

 

But amongst these people came one man. Led by one woman. With two friends. Oh, and his girlfriend. His personal doctor too, i suppose. And the entertainer was there.

 

Anyway, this guy was badass. Clearly off to save the world. He looked like a savage but had been raised by true civilisation, this dude was the total package, and he proved it; for he was the Dragon. And since nothing says romance like a cold blooded reptilian creature, he gained himself three wives thus fulfilling the great prophecy, and proving himself to be the saviour of the light.

 

But Lo! The Shadow did not like this, so the newly awakened Forsaken gathered with the Dark One, and he spoke to them saying. "This Dragon is a great threat. You must not underestimate him merely because he is young, untrained, and a farmboy. Therefore my command is this... you must do nothing to him. Let the Lord of Chaos Rule."

 

And therefore out stalwart hero, through no true effort of his own, came to gather the light against the shadow. The two opposite sides fought long and hard, striving, strength against strength. Death against death. Except for the break on wednesdays so that they could all watch Lost.

 

Finally it came to the Last Battle. The Dragon, saviour of the Light, Total Dude to his friends, came to Shayol Goul, yet before he could enter his wives came upon him, all three for the first time, and then did he know his dire mistake... for as he listened to three women rant at him about keeping himself safe, and not taking undue risks, and not tracking mud through their living rooms, our hero did die inside. Yet he lived on, a soulless puppet for his wives bidding. First he went forth and cleaned the gutters. Then he mowed the lawn. Finally he vanquished the Dark One--but only because the fool dared to leave his garbage cans out three days after pickup.

 

Great was the suffering, and as the world recovered only one thing assuaged Rand for all that he had lost of himself during the terrible struggle... his wives had died in the final battle. Thus did he come to live again, seeing each dawn as new.

 

End point: Leave it to Hariet.

[Cillian]

:D

lmao

 

bravo!!

[Cadsuane]

You're fabulous, as ever.  :-*

 

Thanks for improving my Wednesday by... *calculates*... 13% (oh hush, that nearly doubled it's value).  :P  ;D

[Luckers]

Ah, the joys of posting drunk. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[Barmacral]

I'm glad I chose now to randomly peruse this forum.

[Papermache]

Haha, stem cell research.

 

Whoot, Lost!

 

*claps hands*

[Moghedian]

Love it!!! :)

[Kura]

So, the true evil of the DO is revealed!  :P

[The Dragon Reborn]

Excellent, you had my laughing out loud at work, people were staring at me!  :-[

[Lord_Naryb]

That's messed up  ;D ;D ;D

[zshadez]

Love hats.

[Briwan Dragain]

Hahahahaha. Good fun. I suppose that's the abridged version, but it hits all the major points.

[Nelal Hurcran]

End point: Leave it to Hariet.

 

Oh, come on Luckers. Just throw in some lenthy descriptions of the pattern of the leaves in the gutters, and the length and exact color and health of the lawn, some long, drawn-out arguments between his wives about jsut how muel-headed he is being (with Avi explaining why the comparison between him and a loadbeast is so accutate), and several pointless and unimportant sceans about the AS, and you've got one.........book.

[Luckers]

You forgot the braid-tugging. Even if i kill Nynaeve in the Prologue, we still need at least eighteen braid tugs, or its not a WoT book.

[CrazyMike]

I think it would be better if everybody suddenly learned how to channel and then killed all the bad guys,,, and , and , and, then maybe had a nice picknick in a field of pretty flowers , ya know, the nice little blue ones with pretty little yellow stymins in the middle.

[Nelal Hurcran]

You forgot the braid-tugging. Even if i kill Nynaeve in the Prologue, we still need at least eighteen braid tugs, or its not a WoT book.

 

And sniffing. Don't forget the sniffing. And a wrap-up of Lan's story line (what would you do with that?).

I think it would be better if everybody suddenly learned how to channel and then killed all the bad guys,,, and , and , and, then maybe had a nice picknick in a field of pretty flowers , ya know, the nice little blue ones with pretty little yellow stymins in the middle.

:o ??? :o ??? :o ??? :o ??? :o