Merry DMas!

[JenniferL]

We had a Christmas wish thread on the WT board last month. You had to post your Christmas wishes and if someone could grant it, they would try. Ben T wished for a silly story. Therefore, all blame should be directed at him.

 

Merry DMas

 

It was a cool, wintery day in Atlanta. The weather forced me to cover up my festive, DMas bathing suit with a t-shirt. I sighed, wondering when this cold snap would end, as I put out my holiday goodies for the Annual Admin DMas party.

 

This week, we were celebrating it in early December. We had originally celebrated it the week after Christmas, but every year it was later and later, until finally it came back around to December. I had fond memories of the ’03 DMas celebration that coincided with the 4th of July.

 

As I set down the last plate of cookies, the doorbell rang. “Get the godamned door you son of a ****ing ****!” I called up to my husband, Segurant, in a loving shout. He sighed that loving sigh of his and went to do my bidding. Seggie knows what’s good for him. I added a nickel to the large Mason jar on the table.

 

Bumping his head on the doorframe, Jason entered our humble home. He was clad all in white furs, trimmed with platinum and diamonds. I was glad to see he dressed down for this occasion. “Hi Jason, the Magnificent!” I called from the living room. “I see all the ad revenue from DM is still coming in.”

 

“Yup.” He said slumping into my husband’s favorite chair, narrowly avoiding my husband scrambling out of his way. “We’re getting by.”

 

The doorbell rang again. “I’ll get this one, darling!” I called. “You visit with Jason, the Magnificent.”

 

At the door were the former RP Admins, Ben-T and Alin. Quick as a serpent, Alin’s hands reached for my neck, enveloping it in a loving, DMas embrace. Without batting an eye, I gut punched him as hard as I could, causing him to release his grasp. “Merry DMas, mother****er.” I whispered action hero style as I dropped two more nickels in my jar. Alin lay gasping in the threshold as Ben stepped over him.

 

Ben tentatively reached out a hand “Um, Merry DMas, Kathana?” he said in a cheery voice. Happily, I grabbed his forearm and Irish-whipped him into the doorframe. He slumped down over Alin’s prone body, an expression of pure holiday cheer on his face.

 

“Bad Princess!” barked Segurant, spraying me in the face with a spray bottle. “Put another nickel in the Bad Princess jar!” I hissed and tried to claw at his face, but he deflected me with a solid upper cut to the jaw. “Now!” Sulking, I grudgingly added another nickel to the nearly overflowing jar.

 

Carefully poking his head through the open door, Fader entered. “Ah, I see I’m just in time.”

 

“Fader!” I exclaimed, moving towards him with my arms outstretched in what I hoped he’d interpret as a loving embrace of fellowship and holiday cheer.

 

“Gah!” He hastily sidestepped me. “No, I’m not falling for that this year.”

 

I dropped my arms, disappointed in how quickly he learned. “Fine, come on in and see if Jason, the Magnificent has left us any cookies.”

 

From his comfortable easy chair, Jason tipped the large diamond encrusted diamond that he was using as a brandy snifter towards Fader. “Dude.” He said, then took a sip of Courvoisier. “Mmm. Expensive.”

 

My fellow Admins and former Admins seated themselves carefully on the sofa and various kitchen chairs in the living room. Alin took the precaution of stabbing the sofa cushions a few times with the cheese knife before sitting down. “Nothing personal” he said. “I just don’t want to sit on an AIDS infected needle.” I nodded, smiling to show I took no offense. I made a mental note to add AIDS infected needles to my shopping list for next DMas.

 

[Aubree stabbing]

 

 

“Thanks for hosting this, Kat.” Jason said to me. “I would have done it myself, but I didn’t want to.”

 

The doorbell rang again. “Oh! He’s here!” I jumped up from my seat and grabbed the cheese knife from Alin’s hand. Segurant smacked it sharply with his fist, causing me to drop it.

 

“Nickel.” was his only explanation.

 

Sighing, I dropped another nickel in the jar and went to answer the door. There stood Owen, the newest Admin at DM, his arms laden with gifts and a hearty expression of holiday cheer on his face. Looking balefully at my husband, I sullenly greeted our newest friend.

 

“What the hell is THAT?” demanded Jason, pointing a bejeweled finger at Owen.

 

“It’s your new RP Admin, turd monkey.” Sneered Alin, full of the DMas spirit.

 

“I thought YOU were my RP Admin, ass clown.” Jason replied, clenching his fists with goodwill towards men.

 

“No. I quit. Several times. And if you touch me, I swear, I’ll make you eat one of Kat’s cookies.” Gulping, Jason backed down.

 

“Um, yes. Where should I put these?” Owen nodded to indicate his overburdened arms.

 

“I’ll take those!” offered Ben. He grabbed the gifts and threw them directly into the roaring, DMas fire that Segurant had laid. Jason, Alin and Segurant screamed and took cover behind the sofa. When no explosions occurred, they uneasily withdrew from their defensive positions. “Hmm. Guess he doesn’t know the tradition yet.”

 

“We always give each other homemade bombs, rigged to go off when the package is opened.” I explained. “Don’t worry, you’ll catch on.”

 

Owen swallowed. “Oh. I see.”

 

“Anyways, I’m sure you’ve met everyone before.” I waved my hand at the men sprawling around my living room. “Every year, we invite all the Admins and former Admins that we’re still on speaking terms with to this little party.”

 

“Well, that’s nice. I’m glad to see people stay part of the DM family, as it were…”

 

“No, that’s not it. We decided there was safety in numbers.” Ben glared at me while rubbing his forehead. I made a note of his display of weakness.

 

“Ah.” Owen said nervously. I could tell he was nervous about his first DMas. We’d have to work hard to earn his trust, so we could take advantage of him later. “Shouldn’t Empy be here?”

 

“No, Empy turned down his invitation this year. He said he was too busy in Yveva.” Jason replied.

 

“Don’t you mean ‘In Philadelphia, with Yveva’?” Owen asked.

 

“I’m pretty sure that’s what I said. Anyways,” Jason continued, “Now that we’re all here, let’s get started. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can stop.”

 

Owen carefully sat down on a kitchen chair near the television. Spotting a cookie, he reached out with a childlike eagerness, ready to fill himself with a delicious holiday treat.

 

“Ah, I wouldn’t.” said Ben, sitting next to him. “Kat made those.”

 

“I thought she was a good cook.”

 

“Oh, she is. The cookies themselves are probably fine. It’s the topping.”

 

Owen looked down at what he thought was a rock candy glazed cookie. Then he glanced at the broken glass door of the media cabinet behind him. “I see...” he said, putting the cookie back on the plate.

 

“Alright!” I clapped my hands “Let’s give Owen his Newbie Present!” I ran upstairs to the bedroom I shared with my husband to get his present.

 

Downstairs, Owen turned to Jason. “So, Jason, I have to say it’s a real pleasure to meet you in…”

 

“Jason, the Magnificent.” He corrected.

 

“What?”

 

“You will refer to me as ‘Jason, the Magnificent.’” He sipped his cognac again. “Or you will perish.” Alin snorted and earned himself a glare from Jason.

 

“Um, alright. Jason, the Magnificent, it’s very nice to meet you.”

 

Jason sipped at his Courvoisier again. “Yes, I’m sure it is. People tell me that all the time.”

 

Owen tried again to make conversation, turning to Fader. “So, you were the newbie Admin last year, huh?”

 

“I’m not supposed to talk about it.” Fader muttered.

 

“Talk about what?” Owen raised his eyebrows in surprise.

 

“Just, don’t ask, okay? I’m still in therapy.”

 

“Sweetie! Do you need any help?” Segurant called up the stairs at me.

 

“Back the **** off!” I screamed lovingly down the stairs. “**** camel!” I added, almost seductively.

 

“You better bring down another nickel with that sass mouth, Sass Mouth!” He yelled back.

 

 

“What’s with all the nickels, anyways?” Alin asked.

 

“I’m sick of her being a bad princess and doing un-princess like things, like swearing and punching people in the neck. She’s a school teacher, for God’s sake. So every time she acts like that, I fine her a nickel.”

 

“Wow, that’s a lot of nickels.” Ben said admiringly.

 

“That’s not even half. You should see my garage. I’ve almost got enough for an X-box 360.”

 

Finally, I came downstairs, holding a large, beautifully wrapped gift close to my hip. “Owen,” I said “This is a little token of our respect and affection for you. Merry DMas.”

 

I could see the suspicious and bewildered look in his eyes fading as my words moved him with the true spirit of DMas. As he reached for the gift, my fist shot out from the carefully concealed hole in the side and landed itself neatly on his neck.

 

“Gaaaahhh!!” he screamed, delighted with my gift. “You crazy ****! That was my trachea!”

 

“Ha ha!” I danced. “Sucker!” Jason obligingly put a nickel in the jar for me.

 

“Alright, any other presents?” Segurant demanded.

 

“I’ve got one for you, darling.” From the DVD rack behind Fader, I pulled a copy of his favorite movie. “Merry DMas!”

 

He looked down at his copy of “Attack of the Clones”. The cover was blackened and bubbled from his repeated attempts to burn it. “I hate you so much. I want a divorce.” No truer words of love had ever been spoken before.

 

As my eyes filled with tears from either the emotion of the moment, or the acrid smoke pouring from the fire place, the door was brutally kicked in.

 

Standing there, silhouetted by the setting sun, the light glinting from her katana, was Matalina, Dragonmount’s retired Tech Admin, who we had sort of forgotten about when making up the invitations.

 

 

“S***…”moaned Fader. “Not again…”

 

Alin grabbed a bottle from the table, took a healthy swig, then broke it against the fireplace. “Hell yeah! It is ON!”

 

Matalina strode into the room, her face impassive like a samurai warrior. Jason reached into his tight fitting leather pants and pulled forth an eight foot long broad sword. Segurant reached into the fireplace and grabbed a burning log. He swung it a few times, testing its weight.

 

Owen looked at the ruins of our front door, then at the assembled and heavily armed crowd in the living room. “Um, guys? What’s going on?”

 

Author’s Note: I’ve been advised by my lawyers not to speak about the rest of the events of that afternoon. Those of you that were there will know why. Suffice to say, that we may have our family squabbles, but when faced with a common enemy, like a SWAT team, we really pull together. My thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those men. Merry DMas!

[Arya Ellesméra]

:shock: :shock: :shock:

 

MoN, whenever you get in here and read this, you'll see why you're never allowed to run off on vacation again.

 

*pokes her bruises from the last week*

 

Anyways. Nice story, Mother! :lol:

[Corki]

There are 2 things I am glad about having read this story.

 

1. I am not a DM admin.

2. I live on the correct side of the Pond.

 

 

Good story though!

[SBoydW]

Sounds alot like my house.... scary...

[Guest Egwene]

:roll: hmmm, Corki... Kathana DID say that she would be unable to make the Euromeet, didn't she??? *slowly backs away from the booking form*

[Raena]

Nice story! :lol:

[Jason Denzel]

Haha, very funny. Thanks for sharing. If you do it again, I'll kill you. Happy Holidays.

- Jason the Magnificent

 

PS: Can I have Jimmy's copy of Attack of the Clones?

[Raeyn]

-snickersnorts- I start a tradition, and get refered to as *****? Breaking my heart Kat... I should've killed you better ;D

 

<3 <3

[fader6818]

I'm speechless...

[Guest Majsju]

*chuckles*

[BenTGaidin]

Heheh... Whee! *grins happily* Thanks, Kathana!

 

Ben

[JenniferL]

I'm just waiting for Owen to see this. I don't think Owen knows me very well yet. Is he going to be amused? Or driven into a murderous rage?

[Jason Denzel]

Ben I am ashamed of you. Why are you not wearing your Dragonmount 1.0, First Edition, First Printing t-shirt in that pic???

 

JtM

[JenniferL]

It was dirty. From all the dirt.

[Niamh Sedai]

I loved it. :D

 

*amused*

[goldeneys]

:shock: :shock: :shock:

 

*starts planning to get into an admin position*

 

first thing to do is get one of them out of the way...prolly Ben...then all I have to do is...erm, look like a potential cantidate...and threaten all other ppl who might be likely......

[BenTGaidin]

Jason said:

Ben I am ashamed of you. Why are you not wearing your Dragonmount 1.0, First Edition, First Printing t-shirt in that pic???

 

JtM

 

Because this was the last day of the Con... And I always wear that shirt the day the Con opens. *grins*

 

I know, I know... I _should_ have bought three or four of them, so that I could wear a fresh one each day. *laughs*

[WhiteWolf]

I'm just waiting for Owen to see this. I don't think Owen knows me very well yet. Is he going to be amused? Or driven into a murderous rage?

 

Hmmmmmm.....is the offer of strangling you at Dcon still open Kath?

 

All i can offer in return is an invite to next years Wolfkin Xmas party, besides the stangulation of course:lol:

 

http://www.dragonmount.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=9531

 

Owen

 

The Plaid Ajah

[Raeyn]

-grins at Owen- Someday, sometime :)

[U4ea]

*laughs, shakes her head and is very glad she never got newbie presents*

 

*grins at Arya* What? She's normally like this, I swear. She just takes it out on her kids at school and is too tired to hit the rest of us up with it 'til she gets longs breaks away from them. I'd say you should feel priveledged, but... *eyes the cookies* she might offer to bake something...

 

PS- luved it, Kath! :D

[WhiteWolf]

*looks at Raeyn*

 

Promises, promises boo

 

Owen

 

Viva La Plaid!

[Raeyn]

Well Owen honey, chances are looking I'll be headed to your country forever-like come this summer, so... we'll just have to strangle each other ;D

[WhiteWolf]

Hey Raeyn, when did i become responsible for the UK? Nice of you to accord me such a title, but i think the witch in Buck House may have a thing or two to say about it being my country :lol:

 

If you want to, let me know when you will be here and we can arrange to meet up? If you want to come and stay for a weekend Lyn and i would be more than happy to clear the shed for you :twisted:

 

Owen

[Raeyn]

I prefer you not refer to my distant relatives as witches, love ;) I mean, granted.. some -other- ones were burnt as witches, but that's besides the point...

 

PM sent, natch.. I'll keep you up to date on things, or just snipe my livejournal or myspace :)

 

<3 <3