Funniest WoT Quotes

[MashiraSedai]

I'm in the process of rereading the series for AMOL, and there are times when I find myself literally laughing out loud. What are some of your favorite, most hilarious, quotes from the series?

 

Here are a few to get us started:

 

"You could weave silk from bristles but you couldn't make a man anything but a man." - Elayne Book 4

 

"She almost giggled hysterically. I will keep control of myself. I will not let him see me behave like a moon-eyed girl. I will not." - Elayne Bk 4

 

"BOTH of them? Mat sputtered. 'Light! Two! Oh, burn me! He's the luckiest man in the world or the biggest fool since creation!" Bk 4

 

"Not drunk? I'm juicier than a fiddler's whelp." - Mat Bk 5

 

"Women seemed to make up their minds whether you were lying without looking at the evidence. On the other hand, if they liked you, they either did not care or else decided even the most outrageous lie was true." - Mat Bk 5

 

"There are only three things you can do with a man like that, Bair chortled. 'Stay away from him, kill him, or marry him." Bk 5

 

"When a woman says she will obey you, of her own will, it's time to step lightly and watch your back." - Asmodean, Bk 5, Ch. 21

[Basel Gill]

Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees? Davram Bashere, Book 6

[MatBloodyCauthon]

The Boots speach, uhm the Women compared to playing dice speach, really just near about any time Mat speaks its hilarious.

Oh and when Rand tries to tell his one joke in the whole series and non of the clan chiefs understand it

[condonmc]

One that made me laugh so hard was this part in Winters Heart ....

 

"She feels him steel himself, and says again that he has to go; Elayne stops him and says there is one more thing. Min and Aviendha hastily clear out, eyeing each other doubtfully. Rand watches warily.

 

“There is something they have had from you that I haven’t,” Elayne began, and choked, a flush scalding her face. Blood and ashes! How did other women go about this?"..

 

 

Love that Girl...and Avi and Min

[MashiraSedai]

Y'all are right, just about anytime Mat speaks it's hilarious

Jar, Elayne is my favorite. I fancy myself to be like her.

 

 

"Besides, when they started going mysterious with you, Aes Sedai would not give a straight answer if you asked whether the sky was blue." - Gareth Bryne, Bk 5, Ch. 28

 

"There was no use in arguing. In his experience from Emonds Field to the Maidens, if a woman wanted to do something for you, the only way to stop her was to tie her up, especially if it involved sacrifice on her part." - Rand, Bk 5, Ch. 32

 

"The man was certainly handsome - stop that! - and he did have a shapely calf - what are you doing looking at his legs? - but he must think her a brainless ninny." - Nynaeve, Bk 5, Ch. 34

 

"The Creator made women to please the eye and trouble the mind." - Mat, Bk 5, Ch. 52

 

"You say what you bloody want to, but you watch how you flaming say it, or I'll bloody skin you myself, and burn the goat-kissing hide, you sheep-gutted milk-drinker." - Uno, TGH, Ch. 11

Edited February 5, 2012 by MashiraSedai

[Aiel Heart]

This is from ToM but it doesn't give any plot away......

 

 

 

 

"Women" Mat declared as he rode Pips down the dusty, little-used road, "are like mules." He frowned. "Wait. No. Goats. Women are like goats. Except every flaming one of them thinks she's a horse instead, and a prize mare to boot. Do you understand me, Talmanes?"

"Pure poetry Mat"........

"Reasoning with a woman is impossible," Mat continued, eyes forward." It's like . . . Well, reasoning with a woman is like sitting down to a friendly game of dice. Only the woman refuses to acknowledge the basic bloody rules of the game. A man, he'll cheat you - but he'll do it honestly. He'll use loaded dice, so that you think you're losing by chance. And if you aren't clever enough to spot what he's doing, then maybe he deserves to take your coin. And that's that.

"A woman, though, she'll sit down to that same game and she'll smile, and act like she's going to play. Only when it's her turn to throw, she'll toss a pair of her own dice that are blank on all six sides. Not a single pip showing. She'll inspect the throw, then she'll look up at you and say, 'clearly I just won.'

"Now, you'll scratch your head and look at the dice. Then you'll look up at her, then down at the dice again 'But there aren't any pips on these dice' you'll say.

"'Yes there are,' she'll say. 'And both dice rolled a one.'

"'That's exactly the number you need to win,' you'll say.

"'What a coincidence,' she'll reply, then begin to scoop up your coins. And you'll sit there, trying to wrap your head 'bout what just happened. And you'll realise something. A pair of ones isn't the winning throw! Not when you threw a six on your turn. That means she needed a pair of twos instead! Excitedly you'll explain what you've discovered. Only then do you know what she'll do?"

"No idea, Mat." Talmanes replied, chewing on his pope, a thin wisp of smoke curling out of the bowl.

"Then she'll reach over," Mat said. "And rub the blank faces of her dice. And then, with a perfectly straight face, she'll say, 'I'm sorry. There was a spot of dirt on the dice. Clearly you'll see they actually came up as twos!' And she'll believe it. She'll bloody believe it!"

"Incredible." Talmanes said.

"Only that's not the end of it!"

"I had presumed it wouldn't be Mat."

"She scoops up all of your coins." Mat said, gesturing with one hand, the other steadying his ashandarei across his saddle. "And then every other woman in the room will come over and congratulate her on throwing that pair of twos! The more you complain, the more those bloody women will join in the argument. You'll be outnumbered in a moment, and each of those women will explain to you how those dice clearly read twos, and how you really need to stop behaving like a child. Every single flaming one of them will see the twos! even the prudish woman who has hated your woman from birth - since your woman's granny stole the other woman's granny's honeycake recipe when they were both maids - that woman will side against you."

"They're nefarious creatures indeed." Talmanes said, voice flat and even. Talmanes rarely smiled.

"By the time they're done," Mat continued, almost more to himself, "you'll be left with no coin, several lists worth of errands to run and what clothing to wear and a splitting headache. You'll sit there and stare at the table and begin to wonder, just maybe, if those dice didn't read twos after all. If only to preserve what's left of your sanity. That's what it's like to reason with a woman, I tell you."

"And did so. At length."

"You aren't making sport of me, are you?"

"Why Mat!" the Cairheinin said. "You know I'd never do such a thing."

"Too bad," Mat muttered, glancing at him suspiciously. "I could used a good laugh." He looked over his shoulder. "Vanin! Where on the Dark One's blistered backside are we?"

 

Ch20, TGS

[Aiel Heart]

"A bloody hero. Thom, if I ever look like acting the hero again, you kick me."

"And what would you have done differently?"

"Just kick me!"

[Aiel Heart]

Ok will stop here. Btw, there's a ton of these through this Waygate from an activity I ran in the Aiel in October--LOTS OF GOOD ONES

[The Fisher King]

I know this thread is supposed to be for FUNNY Wot Quotes, and this one is definitely the opposite of funny, but I have to add it because it STILL can give me chills all these years later:

 

'"Remember, you fool! Remember your futile attack on the Great Lord of the Dark! Remember his counterstroke! Remember! Even now the Hundred Companions are tearing the world apart, and every day a hundred men more join them. What hand slew Ilyena Sunhair, Kinslayer? Not mine. Not mine. What hand struck down every life that bore a drop of your blood, everyone who loved you, everyone you loved? Not mine, Kinslayer. Not mine. Remember, and know the price of opposing Shai'tan!"

 

 

Fish

[MashiraSedai]

Good one Fish, definitely a bone chiller.

 

"Letting a man know too much was always a mistake. The trouble was, he was right, but letting a man know that too quickly was a mistake too." - Nynaeve, Bk 5, Ch. 47

 

"They were madmen, both of them. All men were." - Elayne, Bk 5, Ch. 47

 

"Men are strange. More likely, if he realizes we'll both come running when he crooks a finger, he'll crook it. He won't be able to help himself. I've seen them do it. I think it has something to do with the hair on their chins." - Min, Bk 6, Prologue

 

"Part of her wanted to say unequivocally that she would never come for a crooked finger; part of her wanted him to crook it." - Elayne, Bk 6, Prologue

 

"Men believe the worst easily, and women believe it hides something still darker." - Rand, Bk 6, Ch. 3

 

"Dance well with a woman, he thought smugly, and she's half way yours." - Mat, Bk 6, Ch. 5

 

"He was going to start having, 'I am not a bloody Lord', embroidered on his coats." - Mat, Bk 6, Ch. 5

 

"Burn you, Nerim, that's a leg, not a bloody side of beef!"

"As my Lord says," Nerim murmured, "my Lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my Lord, for instructing me."- Mat & Nerim, Bk 6, Ch. 22

 

"Never prod a woman unless you must. She will ill you faster than a man and for less reason, even if she weeps over it after." - Lews Therin, Bk 6, Ch. 26

 

AH, that Mat segment is flippin hilarious!

 

And on a serious note, I do like this one:

 

"All was not lost, of course. All was never lost as long as you were alive." - Rand, Bk 6, Ch. 9

Edited February 6, 2012 by MashiraSedai

[The Fisher King]

This is a paraphrase from memory, but it always cracked me up:

 

As Mat wandered through the street, if Elayne and Nynaeve had been cavorting with Jaichim Carridin in the fountain he doubted he'd notice.

 

LOL

 

 

Fish

Edited February 6, 2012 by The Fisher King

[LeeM.Erickson]

For some reason I really laughed out loud in book four when Lan storms in and sweeps Nynaeve off her feet, and her response is "I will not be MANHANDLED in this way!"

 

You know she loved it.

[The Fisher King]

Another one Im having to paraphrase best I can from memory:

 

''Don't trust Kadere, Mat'', Rand warned him.

 

Trust Kadere?! Mat thought, I wouldn't trust Kadere if he were tied in a sack!

 

 

Fish

[Crowl Rife]

Just ran across this one in Knife of Dreams that I thought was amusing... from Chapter 4:

 

Some people thought scars a sign of toughness. It seemed to Perrin that fewer scars meant that you knew what you were doing.

[condonmc]

" Matrim bloody Cauthon is my Husband" Made me laugh with Glee

[MashiraSedai]

*snickers* That's a good one Crowl

[msbee]

One scene not mentioned yet that made me chortle was back in TSR when Perrin turns up at the Two Rivers inn with Aiel and an Ogier.

It's not a funny line as such, more of an entire mental picture, made funnier still by the very sad scene right in the middle of it all. By the time we get to the image of Loial sitting on the kitchen floor, ears quivering, drinking tea from a bowl while Mistress al'Vere downs shots of brandy, I was laughing out loud.

[Aliriel]

One scene not mentioned yet that made me chortle was back in TSR when Perrin turns up at the Two Rivers inn with Aiel and an Ogier.

It's not a funny line as such, more of an entire mental picture, made funnier still by the very sad scene right in the middle of it all. By the time we get to the image of Loial sitting on the kitchen floor, ears quivering, drinking tea from a bowl while Mistress al'Vere downs shots of brandy, I was laughing out loud.

 

And Bain and Chiad sitting at the table like good village girls as if they had been doing it all their lives lol.

 

A.

[MasterAblar]

I'll add a few.

 

This is when Rand and Mat leave their weapons to go into Rhuidean:

 

Mat began with his belt knife and kept right on, pulling knives from his sleeves and under his coat, even one from down the back of his neck, fashioning a pile that seemed to impress even the Aiel women. He made as if to stop, looked at the women, then took two more from each boot top. "I forgot them," he said with a grin and a shrug. The Wise Ones' unblinking looks wiped his smile away.

 

This is after they return:

 

"You fool man! No man can go twice to Rhuidean. Even you would not come back alive! Oh, starve if you want to!" She {Melaine} threw half a round loaf of bread at his head. Mat caught it out of the air and calmly began eating.

 

And this is between Rand and Aviendha when they're all leaving Rhuidean:

 

"Elayne is a wetlander, your own kind."[...]"Exactly the woman for you. Is she not beautiful? Her back is straight, her limbs are supple and strong, her lips like plump loveapples. Her hair is spun gold, her eyes blue sapphires. Her skin is smoother than the finest silk, her bosom fine and well rounded. Her hips are-"

 

He cut her off frantically, his cheeks heating. "I know she's pretty. What are you doing?"

 

"I am describing her." Aviendha frowned up at him. "Have you seen her in her bath? There is no need for me to describe her if you have seen-"

 

"I have not seen!" He wished he did not sound strangled. Rhuarc and the others were listening, faces too blank for anything but amusement. Mat rolled his eyes with an open, roguish grin.

 

The woman only shrugged and rearranged her shawl. "She should have arranged it. But I have seen her, and I will act as her near sister." The emphasis seemed to say his "near sister" might have done the same; Aiel customs were strange, but this was mad! "Her hips-"

 

"Stop that!"

Edited February 6, 2012 by Master Ablar

[MashiraSedai]

ROFL priceless, all of them M. Ablar!

 

"When an Aes Sedai says she'll advise you and let you decide, she means she knows what you should do and will make sure you do it if she can." - Rand, Bk 6, Ch. 45

 

"Why is it that as a mans courage goes up, his sense goes down?" - Faile, Bk 7, Ch. 6

[Kiriath Til Asdod]

The first and best (imo) is when Berelain is hit on by Matt in the Stone and she ignores him:

"He swept his best bow, elegant and formal. "A good evening to you, my Lady." She started to sweep by without a glance and he straightened angrily. "Are you deaf as well as blind, woman? I'm not a carpet to walk over and I distinctly hear myself speak. If I pinch your bottom you can slap my face, but until I do, I expect a civil word for a civil word!""

I have to paraphrase, I loaned out LoC and the quote I'm loking for is there (I believe):

Valda has just returned to the fortress of light and is thinking to himself about Morgase

"By the light she would jump when he said jump." He goes on to explain that he would lead the children into Andor if he has to tie Morgase to a flagpole to act as the children's standard. He is vile but I found his POV to be amusing.

[condonmc]

Mat " Burn me, Theres good drama on these pages"!

[Shawnchan]

"There will be no more Tree Killer flip skirts scratching at your tent flap Rand Al Thor."

[Randommer]

Rand in TGH: "Moiraine hasn't even looked at me in weeks, and now she's given me bloody fine new clothes to die in!" Don't know why, just gets me. Back in preDarkRand days, I used to find him hilarious when he started freaking out.

[MashiraSedai]

"A woman would do a thing until you were sure she always would, then do something else just to fuddle you." - Mat, Bk 7, Ch. 14

 

Randommer, I agree! Rand was pretty funny in the earlier books.