[No aMoL Spoilers ~ Luckers] I KNOW what is going to happen in A Memory of Light!!!

[aross]

No one told me what is going to happen in the final volume of the Wheel of Time, but thanks to mescal, shrooms, and an iso tank; I now can reveal the plot lines in their entirety.

 

Caution: those of you unprepared for what follows may have your eyes burned out. However, if you do not fear watching a solar eclipse, then I welcome you to read on.

 

Our story begins with Lan and his army at Tarwin's Gap. Unfortunately, Lan hasn't seen fried chicken or a burger for 1000 leagues and he's really starting to get sick of rations. The shadow, seizing upon an opportunity, builds the facade of a White Castle right on the North side of Tarwin's Gap. This diabolical maneuver achieves its dark goal. Lan, desperate, attacks before his army is fully ready. Only the Light can save them now...

 

Gawyn travels to Emond's Field to ask permission of Bran and Marin Al'Vere for their daughter's hand in marriage. Hilarity ensues as the Emond's Fielders prank this Andoran royal with the stick up his butt. In the end, Bran "informs" Gawyn that Emond's Field tradition states that the groom wears a white bridal gown and the bride wears a formal suit. This tradition, Bran tells, teaches the bride and groom humility and empathy for the long road ahead. So, that is how Gawyn shows up to his own wedding in a tranny suit.

 

Needless to say, humorless Egwene breaks it off right then and there.

 

But she has her own struggles to contend with. First she screeches and caterwauls trying to get Rand to change his mind about the seals. Zen Rand smiles, and says, "Dude. It's cool," before pulling another drag from his hookah. Egwene, far from mollified, spits out a few expletives that hadn't even been invented yet. Rand, hoping to quiet Egwene the buzz killer, politely points out that the Seanchan are attacking the White Tower.

 

Egwene and her entire army Travel back to Tar Valon and realize that they've been hornswaggled. The Seanchan have moved in and done up the place. The posting at the gates, "Tower under new management," tells Egwene and company how it's going to be. Having lost their home, the Aes Sedai disperse and leave Tar Valon. Later, you can see some like Leane backpacking across the Waste, looking for youth hostels along the way.

 

Switch over to Elayne and you can see a catastrophe brewing. Talmanes and Vanin both have a crush on Elayne, and worse, feelings of abandonment over her pregnancy. So then Elayne tries to talk with them both, but they just think, "We're back in the game!" Then, they start looking cross-eyed at one another. Vanin starts the feud by training Talmanes' horse to pass gas only while he is riding. Talmanes answers back by chloroforming Vanin and then sending him in for lap band surgery. Vanin spits, mutters, "It's on," and then proceeds to fight dirty. Just at the moment he is horse manuring Talmanes' tent and all of his belongings, and Talmanes is telling the world that Vanin shags farm animals, Mat returns.

 

Needless to say, Mat is pretty pissed off at these two and their Mean Girls type behavior. So, as punishment he orders both of them to don boxing gloves and absolutely nothing else, and punch it out until the aggression leaves their systems. After a solid 30 minutes of naked boxing, Vanin delivers the final blow. Talmanes, spread eagled in the dirt and barely conscious, senses underneath his butt and back Vanin's final victory. He has fallen on a massive pile of horse$%^*. Vanin declares his love to Elayne but to no avail. Elayne, Aviendha and Min are moving to a woman-only commune to enjoy the wonders of female companionship forever.

 

Mat concerns himself with saving Camelyn from the Shadowspawn army. He rolls his dice and VOILA! his +20 ashandarei decapitates 50 trollocs in one turn. Every time he rolls his dice, more Shadowspawn die. But there appears to be an ill-effect. With every roll, Mat is becoming... nerdier. Dorkier. Less coordinated. By the end of the battle, he is a dungeon master, a bullying victim, and the last pick for kickball.

 

Tuon takes one look at him and dumps him for Musenge, which only tells us just how low she was forced to go.

 

Perrin and the rest of the Andoran alliance is experiencing the worst of group dysfunctionality. What happens when you have a 1/2 dozen people looking to run the show in their own way? A *%^$storm, that's what! Galad wants order in the ranks, and he's talking about everyone cleaning their uniform? Alliandre is giving jewelry to Perrin in hopes of winning a little favoritism. Berelain is trying to tempt the chaste Galad into the sack - he doesn't believe in pre-marital intercourse - which is tough because Berelain doesn't believe in marriage. Faile admonishes Perrin to grow a pair but instead he slips away to the Field of Merrilor croquet ground with Neald and Gaul. Turns out Mah'alleinir makes a great croquet mallet.

 

Logain reappears at the Black Tower with the answer to the riddle on how to beat Taim. It seems that in the language of the ancients - Hee-bru - Taim means "tasty" (no kidding! look it up!). Logain tries tasting Taim and voila - it's true. He is absolutely delicious! Not only does Logain get his glory at the Black Tower, but the yummiest dinner ever fed to a cannibal.

 

After the last battle, Logain opens a restaurant on the Black Tower site, hoping to find and celebrate the ta'im Taim. Unfortunately, he never does and the restaurant closes in six months. Last we heard, a Sharan family had opened a Subway franchise on the site.

 

The Last Battle approaches! Who will win? At what cost? The moment of truth arrives, and Moiraine sets a clever trap for the Dark One. The trap springs, and the Dark One is caught in her web! Nynaeve asks, "who was it?" Moiraine responds by pulling off his mask, and hiding underneath it is Rupert Murdoch!

 

Moiraine says, "So Rupert, you thought you were going to destroy the Pattern and remake creation in your own image. Serves you right!"

 

Murdoch responds, "I did! And I would have succeeded too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

 

So ends the Wheel of Time. Phew! Close call.

 

 

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Obviously, this thread is meant to take the piss out of plot prediction. Anyone else who believes in irreverence is welcomed to add their take on a Memory of Light here. The funnier the better. No serious plot predictions welcome!

 

If there are enough good (bad) plots, I'll start a poll in another thread and nominate some personal and crowd favorites (disqualifying myself, of course!).

[Ashandarei]

But [Egwene] has her own struggles to contend with. First she screeches and caterwauls trying to get Rand to change his mind about the seals. Zen Rand smiles, and says, "Dude. It's cool," before pulling another drag from his hookah. Egwene, far from mollified, spits out a few expletives that hadn't even been invented yet.

 

Galad wants order in the ranks, and he's talking about everyone cleaning their uniform? Alliandre is giving jewelry to Perrin in hopes of winning a little favoritism. Berelain is trying to tempt the chaste Galad into the sack - he doesn't believe in pre-marital intercourse - which is tough because Berelain doesn't believe in marriage.

 

My two favorite parts, especially Zen Rand haha

[Ananta]

But she has her own struggles to contend with. First she screeches and caterwauls trying to get Rand to change his mind about the seals. Zen Rand smiles, and says, "Dude. It's cool," before pulling another drag from his hookah. Egwene, far from mollified, spits out a few expletives that hadn't even been invented yet. Rand, hoping to quiet Egwene the buzz killer, politely points out that the Seanchan are attacking the White Tower.

 

Egwene and her entire army Travel back to Tar Valon and realize that they've been hornswaggled. The Seanchan have moved in and done up the place. The posting at the gates, "Tower under new management," tells Egwene and company how it's going to be. Having lost their home, the Aes Sedai disperse and leave Tar Valon. Later, you can see some like Leane backpacking across the Waste, looking for youth hostels along the way.

 

 

Wahaha xD Those made me actually giggle a bit in real life. GG.

[rsahae]

Bravo! What a masterpiece. Let's see if I can tie up a few loose ends.

 

Loial: Things take a turn for the worse when Loial and the Ogier show up at the Black Tower to magically Ogier-undo the brainwashed evil people. Unfortunately, not only has Logain already taken care of the badguys, but he's also discovered the delicious results of eating fellow sentient beings. And here's an entire group of people with fingers like sausages. Logain sidles up to Loial and says, "you guys won't mind giving us a helping hand or two, right?" Cue music.

 

Aludra: With Mat no longer interested in protecting Tuon, Aludra finally has her chance. She makes off with the Empress under cover of night (it has happened before) and, rolling the supple, flexible Fortuona into a ball, places her in a dragon with plenty of gunpowder and blasts her all the way into the antebellum South. Finally, the dark-skinned Tuon learns what it's like to be the "pet" on the other end of the leash.

 

Demandred: Furious at his ever-constant upstaging at the hands of Lews Therin, Demmy decides he needs a book series of his own with himself as the hero. The hero will be exactly like Demmy, which is to say super-cool, super-smart, super-handsome, a great warrior, a great leader, always get the hottest girl, and DEFINITELY NOT a worse hero than Lews Therin.

 

Unfortunately, the book series turns out like Demmy himself: talented and promising in the beginning, jealousy of others' successes leads to a far more self-absorbed, self-righteous character, trying to order everyone else's lives about, and turns into a thoroughly bland warrior-type character who thinks he knows best for everyone. Boring. You can find the Sword of Truth series at your local bookstore.

 

Shaidar Haran: Secretly relieved at the Light Victory. Why? Well the Dark One's been in prison for years and years. And there aren't any Lady Dark One's hanging around. Which means that being the Hand of the Dark would have been a strenuous job.

 

Elaida: Fed to a raken. The excrement came out red and with a little elephant figurine.

 

Moghedien, Cyndane and Graendal: With Ishamael finally defeated, the three ladies celebrate their freedom by joining the Elayne, Min, Aviendha female commune. Sweater-knitting is at 3 o'clock. Murderous, bloody death-confrontations at 4:30.

[Ananta]

Demandred: Furious at his ever-constant upstaging at the hands of Lews Therin, Demmy decides he needs a book series of his own with himself as the hero. The hero will be exactly like Demmy, which is to say super-cool, super-smart, super-handsome, a great warrior, a great leader, always get the hottest girl, and DEFINITELY NOT a worse hero than Lews Therin.

 

Unfortunately, the book series turns out like Demmy himself: talented and promising in the beginning, jealousy of others' successes leads to a far more self-absorbed, self-righteous character, trying to order everyone else's lives about, and turns into a thoroughly bland warrior-type character who thinks he knows best for everyone. Boring. You can find the Sword of Truth series at your local bookstore.

 

:DDD Epic.

[GB]

Bravo! What a masterpiece. Let's see if I can tie up a few loose ends.

 

 

Shaidar Haran: Secretly relieved at the Light Victory. Why? Well the Dark One's been in prison for years and years. And there aren't any Lady Dark One's hanging around. Which means that being the Hand of the Dark would have been a strenuous job.

 

Moghedien, Cyndane and Graendal: With Ishamael finally defeated, the three ladies celebrate their freedom by joining the Elayne, Min, Aviendha female commune. Sweater-knitting is at 3 o'clock. Murderous, bloody death-confrontations at 4:30.

 

These 2 are my fav and I was laughing so hard at these and the first post as well.

[Ashandarei]

Shaidar Haran: Secretly relieved at the Light Victory. Why? Well the Dark One's been in prison for years and years. And there aren't any Lady Dark One's hanging around. Which means that being the Hand of the Dark would have been a strenuous job.

 

LOL! Had to read that a couple times before I got the message

[Luckers]

I changed the title to save me from the headache of people who took the title seriously.

 

Good stuff, by the by.

[AvroChris]

Excellent do you write for Uncyclopedia at all?

[Didgya]

Sweet like candy! Thanks for reminding me that not all WOT fans a humorless nerds.

[FarShainMael]

No, no, you've got it all wrong.. what really happens is this:

 

He stepped through the door, closing it behind him, and channelled Water, to produce a fine spray. He let the flow continue for a few minutes, then shut it off. Next, he channelled strong flows of Air, with delicate traces of Fire. Satisfied, he shut that off also.

 

He exited the small tiled room, and wrapped a robe woven from fluffy algode around himself. There was a Sea Folk porcelain jug, and two cups, ready on a tray on the small table. He picked it up and went back to the bedroom. His wife raised herself onto her elbows as he came in, brushing the sun-gold hair out of sleepy eyes.

 

"Good morning, my love," he said. "Sleep well?"

 

"Not really, Lews." Ilyena shivered briefly. "That's positively the last time I eat cheese before venturing into Tel'aran'rhiod.'

[htarcan]

and someone must promise cadsuane a rebirth or she'll try to live until the next breaking

insufferable woman!

[coolpool]

No, no, you've got it all wrong.. what really happens is this:

 

He stepped through the door, closing it behind him, and channelled Water, to produce a fine spray. He let the flow continue for a few minutes, then shut it off. Next, he channelled strong flows of Air, with delicate traces of Fire. Satisfied, he shut that off also.

 

He exited the small tiled room, and wrapped a robe woven from fluffy algode around himself. There was a Sea Folk porcelain jug, and two cups, ready on a tray on the small table. He picked it up and went back to the bedroom. His wife raised herself onto her elbows as he came in, brushing the sun-gold hair out of sleepy eyes.

 

"Good morning, my love," he said. "Sleep well?"

 

"Not really, Lews." Ilyena shivered briefly. "That's positively the last time I eat cheese before venturing into Tel'aran'rhiod.'

 

lol funny ending but just to be a pest... this is th AoL right with LLT and Ilyena... so how is there Sea Folk porcelain in the room??

[Byzantine279]

Hes saying the entire series was just her dream, Book, thus the sea folk could easily have existed in the AOL, she simply transposed them into her dream.

[aross]

Analysis is forbidden on this thread on the grounds that it is lame.

 

Are there no snarks out there apart from RSAHAE? I was hoping to see some truly awful fan fiction

 

Seacrest out!

[FarShainMael]

No, no, you've got it all wrong.. what really happens is this:

 

He stepped through the door, closing it behind him, and channelled Water, to produce a fine spray. He let the flow continue for a few minutes, then shut it off. Next, he channelled strong flows of Air, with delicate traces of Fire. Satisfied, he shut that off also.

 

He exited the small tiled room, and wrapped a robe woven from fluffy algode around himself. There was a Sea Folk porcelain jug, and two cups, ready on a tray on the small table. He picked it up and went back to the bedroom. His wife raised herself onto her elbows as he came in, brushing the sun-gold hair out of sleepy eyes.

 

"Good morning, my love," he said. "Sleep well?"

 

"Not really, Lews." Ilyena shivered briefly. "That's positively the last time I eat cheese before venturing into Tel'aran'rhiod.'

 

lol funny ending but just to be a pest... this is th AoL right with LLT and Ilyena... so how is there Sea Folk porcelain in the room??

 

Out of a stasis box from a previous Turning, of course. Seemples!

[Kara]

 

Demandred: Furious at his ever-constant upstaging at the hands of Lews Therin, Demmy decides he needs a book series of his own with himself as the hero. The hero will be exactly like Demmy, which is to say super-cool, super-smart, super-handsome, a great warrior, a great leader, always get the hottest girl, and DEFINITELY NOT a worse hero than Lews Therin.

 

Unfortunately, the book series turns out like Demmy himself: talented and promising in the beginning, jealousy of others' successes leads to a far more self-absorbed, self-righteous character, trying to order everyone else's lives about, and turns into a thoroughly bland warrior-type character who thinks he knows best for everyone. Boring. You can find the Sword of Truth series at your local bookstore.

 

 

^ thats awesome!

[coolpool]

No, no, you've got it all wrong.. what really happens is this:

 

He stepped through the door, closing it behind him, and channelled Water, to produce a fine spray. He let the flow continue for a few minutes, then shut it off. Next, he channelled strong flows of Air, with delicate traces of Fire. Satisfied, he shut that off also.

 

He exited the small tiled room, and wrapped a robe woven from fluffy algode around himself. There was a Sea Folk porcelain jug, and two cups, ready on a tray on the small table. He picked it up and went back to the bedroom. His wife raised herself onto her elbows as he came in, brushing the sun-gold hair out of sleepy eyes.

 

"Good morning, my love," he said. "Sleep well?"

 

"Not really, Lews." Ilyena shivered briefly. "That's positively the last time I eat cheese before venturing into Tel'aran'rhiod.'

 

lol funny ending but just to be a pest... this is th AoL right with LLT and Ilyena... so how is there Sea Folk porcelain in the room??

 

Out of a stasis box from a previous Turning, of course. Seemples!

 

right, i am just realising that i shoudln't have made the sea folk thing a question cos i fogot that WoT fans can find answers for any little thing!

[Guest Emu on the Loose]

I'm pretty sure Moridin will learn the true meaning of Christmas. That's what this has all been leading to.

[Barid Bel Medar]

Alright, this is actually how it is happening.

 

 

Elayne: Continuing her lust to expand the glorious Kingdom of Andor, she makes the bold move in declaring the Blight is now a part of Andor. Upon meeting a delegation of Shadowspawn, she becomes enraged when Moridin does not agree to the station of Steward of the Blight. While she is spluttering indignantly, she suddenly goes into labour and Moridin delivers the twins, Calian and Shiva. Elayne is then eaten by a Worm who particularly disagreed with her Tax of Thakandar.

 

Nynaeve: After realising Lan is in Battle at Tarwin's Gap she Travels in a rage and waves a particularly threatening looking switch at the Trollocs. Needless to say, the Shadowspawn retreat feeling slightly embarassed and before they know it, the Myrddraal realise they have brought Nynaeve's washing home to do it for her. Greatly satisfied, she then turns on Lan, cursing fool men for always turning to violence while she viciously beats Narg's couzin, who defied her will, with said switch.

 

Egwene: Lanfear shows up threatening to kill Egwene , trapping her in TAR, succeeding where Messaana failed. Indignant, Egwene insists that she is the Amyrlin Seat and that nobody can harm her, because she is the Amyrlin Seat. While mentioning that she is the Amyrlin Seat, she insists that she could kill herself better than Lanfear ever could, because, after all, she is the Amyrlin Seat. Without further adue, Egwene smothers herself with the Stole, proving that no-one can defeat her, because, she is after all, the Amyrlin Seat.

Looking at the dead body, Lanfear shrugs and Travels back to Moridin.

 

Mat: On his way to fetch the Horn, he encounters both Egwene and Tuon, who has just invaded the White Tower. Enraged, they both turn on Mat, telling him what a scoundrel he is. Sick of being pushed around, he high-tails it out of there, hiding behind Rand for protection. Egwene and Tuon unite, realising they have a common enemy. Mat. Thus, after blowing the Horn from behind Rand and Callandor, Mat bails to Shara where he reportedly makes a living by selling Badgers.

 

Perrin: Perrin sets out to set everyone straight at the FoM. When Egwene and Rand get into a particularly heated discussion, he grabs them both by the scruff of the neck like wolf cubs and growls at them. After a bunch of particularly confusing Blacksmith Metaphors, Egwene and Rand forget what they were fighting about and turn their powers to solving the most complex blacksmiths puzzle in the world. Satisfied, Perrin nods and without further pussy footing around, Perrin jumps on Stepper and rides directly to Shayol Ghul with his shiny Hammer.

[FarShainMael]

No, no, you've got it all wrong.. what really happens is this:

 

He stepped through the door, closing it behind him, and channelled Water, to produce a fine spray. He let the flow continue for a few minutes, then shut it off. Next, he channelled strong flows of Air, with delicate traces of Fire. Satisfied, he shut that off also.

 

He exited the small tiled room, and wrapped a robe woven from fluffy algode around himself. There was a Sea Folk porcelain jug, and two cups, ready on a tray on the small table. He picked it up and went back to the bedroom. His wife raised herself onto her elbows as he came in, brushing the sun-gold hair out of sleepy eyes.

 

"Good morning, my love," he said. "Sleep well?"

 

"Not really, Lews." Ilyena shivered briefly. "That's positively the last time I eat cheese before venturing into Tel'aran'rhiod.'

 

lol funny ending but just to be a pest... this is th AoL right with LLT and Ilyena... so how is there Sea Folk porcelain in the room??

 

Out of a stasis box from a previous Turning, of course. Seemples!

 

right, i am just realising that i shoudln't have made the sea folk thing a question cos i fogot that WoT fans can find answers for any little thing!

 

Certainly can! (And with Wikipedia references!!)

[rsahae]

Alright, this is actually how it is happening.

 

 

Elayne: Continuing her lust to expand the glorious Kingdom of Andor, she makes the bold move in declaring the Blight is now a part of Andor. Upon meeting a delegation of Shadowspawn, she becomes enraged when Moridin does not agree to the station of Steward of the Blight. While she is spluttering indignantly, she suddenly goes into labour and Moridin delivers the twins, Calian and Shiva. Elayne is then eaten by a Worm who particularly disagreed with her Tax of Thakandar.

 

Nynaeve: After realising Lan is in Battle at Tarwin's Gap she Travels in a rage and waves a particularly threatening looking switch at the Trollocs. Needless to say, the Shadowspawn retreat feeling slightly embarassed and before they know it, the Myrddraal realise they have brought Nynaeve's washing home to do it for her. Greatly satisfied, she then turns on Lan, cursing fool men for always turning to violence while she viciously beats Narg's couzin, who defied her will, with said switch.

 

LOL these two were my favorites