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DRAGONMOUNT

A WHEEL OF TIME COMMUNITY
JenniferL

Hey look, I'm writing something!

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Alright, enough jibba jabba.

 

 

 

 

They sat on the couch staring at Segurant, holding cans of warm soda in their hands. Evidently Team Liang did not believe in refrigerators. Segurant was sitting in a rolling office chair, playing Madden on his Xbox. The panda was still sitting on his head. Barm was the first to break the silence. "So, uh... Have you talked to Jason lately?"

 

"Not really." said Segurant, mashing buttons with both thumbs as he stared intently at the screen. "I mean, we talked a little bit when I murdered him." Emp sprayed Coke across the living room and stared at his host as he continued to play football.  "But that was more like 'Oh, no! Please stop stabbing me!' than a real conversation."

 

"What?" Emp exclaimed, wiping sticky brown soda off his chin. "You...MUDERED Jason?"

 

"Yup." Segurant continued to watch his football team run back and forth across the screen. The digital crowd cheered as the Cowboys won the Super Bowl for the eleven millionth time in a row.

 

"But...why?" Barm asked.

 

"Jenn got laid off from her job, you know. So that means she's home a lot now. It was cool at first because the house was finally clean and she made me extra sandwiches for lunch. Then she got bored. And when she's bored, she wants me to pay attention to her. You know, take her out, have conversations, make eye contact. It was interfering with my gaming."

 

"I don't understand." said Empy.

 

"What has entertained my wife more than anything else in her life ever has? Dragonmount. When she was Community Admin and WT Org Leader, I barely spoke to her in the evenings. She was always over in that chair, messing around on her laptop. Now? She wants to cuddle and watch Arrested Development together. I've got Halo Reach coming out in September. I need her to get busy again. So I murdered Jason so she could take his place. She's the new Jason now. As it always should have been."

 

Emp felt like he had wandered into an M. Night Shyamalan movie by mistake. Had Bruce Willis really been a ghost this whole time? "What about Claire?" he asked, his mouth dry.

 

"She figured out the chatbot that I wrote to keep Kathana from figuring out that Jason was really dead. So I shot her in the head. I got the 'Dastardly' achievement on Xbox Live for that." The stuffed panda sitting on Segurant's head seemed to mock them with it's adorable button eyes.

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"You have two choices now." said Segurant setting down his game controller and taking the stubby panda off his head. "You can either do the right thing and tell everyone about this. I'll go to jail, my wife will be devastated and Dragonmount's mighty online empire will crumble without its leaders."

 

"Or?" Barm asked.

 

"Or," Segurant replied. "You can do the smart thing. You can keep this a secret, allow Kathana to rule DM with her adorable iron fist and keep Dragonmount the number one Wheel of Time site. Oh, and in this scenario, I don't murder you and everyone you ever loved." He toyed idly with the panda. "For obvious reasons, I'll need you to decide before I allow you to leave. Let me know if I need to get a tarp."

 

"What's in it for us?" Emp asked, hastily adding "Besides the whole not getting murdered deal."

 

Seggie shrugged. "My wife likes you guys. I'm sure she'll let you both continue to be Admins, as long as you don't piss her off."

 

"I'm out." Emp said standing up. "I'll keep your secret, if only for Yveva's sake. But I'm not going to stick around and be a party to this deception. If you want to pull the wool over the internet's eyes...Well, have fun. But I'm out." He started up the stairs to the door.

 

"Well, Barm." Segurant said. "What do you think?"

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We're at 11,460 words now. I keep thinking that I'm almost done, just one more post, etc. And then I decide to do another cliffhanger and stretch things out just a bit more. This must be how Robert Jordan felt.

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Emp boarded the obnoxiously pink CoL touring bus parked haphazardly in Kathana and Segurant's quiet, suburban neighborhood. Steely gray light filtered through the trees as the sun prepared to rise.  He slumped down into the empty driver's seat and looked back at the bus full of sleeping DMers. There, near the back, he could see Yveva, her adorable face smushed up against the glass window.

 

He felt ashamed looking at her. He had compromised with the devil to spare her life. Had he done the right thing? Could Yveva, a woman of strong morals and ethical fiber, ever be with a man who sold his soul for her safety? Or would this secret tear apart their marriage and leave him broken hearted and alone?

 

Emp sighed. There was really only one thing to be done now. Settling into the driver's seat, he turned the key in the ignition. Behind him, Tenan muttered and stirred in his sleep. Before releasing the parking brake, Emp pulled out his cell phone and dialed a number he hadn't thought to use in a long, long time.

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Empy held the phone to his ear with one hand and clutched the steering wheel of the touring bus with the other. It seemed like it rang for an eternity as he drove over some kids tricycle left on the neighbor's lawn. Suddenly, his phone erupted into a volcano of angry swears.

 

"Hey Joram, it's Empy..." Joram hung up. Emp said something rude, then dialed again. "Look, I'm sorry to wake you up, dude, but this is an emergency."

 

Joram sighed. "I already told you, Brian. The hooks are in the back. Unhook it with your thumb and then slide the straps down her arms."

 

"What? I don't-- I already know how to...Gah!" He switched the phone to the other ear as he clipped the stop sign at the entrance to the subdivision. "I need to talk to you about DM."

 

"No, absolutely not. I thought I made it pretty clear to Claire that I wasn't getting involved in whatever retarded five year old power games you idiots are playing on DM this week. I'm not--"

 

"Claire's dead, you idiot." Empy hissed, interrupting Joram's tirade.

 

"What?"

 

"Yeah, Seggie shot her in the head."

 

"Huh. I guess Kathana didn't cut his balls off after all. Did you get the thumb drive?"

 

"What thumb drive?" The bus careened out of the neighborhood and hit a median. Justen rolled his head to the other side and muttered something about being horny. Or tootling a horn. Emp had to concentrate on getting the bus to the highway in one piece, before Seggie decided to murder him anyways.

 

"The thumb drive. Full of evidence. Or donkey porn. I don't know what Jason was keeping on the server. It was probably donkey porn."

 

"Crap!" Emp muttered. "Seggie must've taken it when he killed her. And there's no way to go back now." He was struck by a sudden realization.  "Good talk, Joram. See you later."

 

"Don't ever call me again or I'll set your house on fire." Joram said pleasantly, then hung up.

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For anyone that can't get enough of my stupid and is frustrated with the longer intervals in between updates now that I'm cramming to get the WoT FAQ done before August *gulp*, I started a novel a few years ago. It's, uh, not nearly as family friendly as this is. It's also incredibly stupid.

 

https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=16BqkBXbaP9dGfGNJQthtiQpx3WSxJnhI2CHFOuSaCZA

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Kathana....

 

Just....

What on Earth was that I just read....?

 

I know you said it was stupid, but still.... that was like TvTropes hell.

 

(And did you really have to link me to that Bambi hunting site thingy....?)

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Yeah, I warned you. The idea was that it would be something like a NaNoWriMo parody, where the goal is to get 30,000 words on the screen NO MATTER WHAT!!! So that's why I repeated the word "flop" 400 times, and had them go into the Mysterious Cave of Echos. It was all to pad the word count as much as possible without actually saying something. If I'd kept it up, there would likely be a couple pages of someone having the "No, I love YOU more" conversation. My goal was to get to exactly 30,000 words and then stop in mid-sentence.

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*speaks from beyond the grave* This is absolutely classic. I love it.

 

I do have to say that if I ever suggested that Joram meet me anywhere named MonkeySex, he would slap me upside the head.

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