Funny Jokes

[Far Dareis Mai]

Alright infidels, I need a good laugh. Tell me a joke, make me laugh, and you'll earn points. Not a whole lot of points, but then it doesn't take much to tell a joke. Please keep them PG-13, or at least ya know--not too dirty. >.> Also, I'm going on LOA tonight until Monday, so if after today it goes a couple days without my answering, that's why.

 

 

[Barmacral]

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

[cosmicpanda]

Barmy.

[Verbal32]

This is a bit long (Heh, that's what she said. >_>), but I think it's funny.

 

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

 

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward.  The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

 

 

NOTE:

**To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.**

 

The first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

 

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

;)

[Far Dareis Mai]

This is a bit long (Heh, that's what she said. >_>)

 

THIS earns you 4 points.

 

I do like the husband store joke--though I have heard it before. Truthfully, I would have stopped at Floor 4. Though in all honesty I don't really need a good looking guy so long as he enjoys housework. ;)

 

2 points.

[Verbal32]

Well, I would never have made it past the 1st floor of the wife store....lol.

[Canukistani]

Edelin is in fact a little girl.

[chillimous]

One philosophical behaviourist bumped into another in the street. He said; "You're fine, how am I?"

 

Hurr hurr hurr hurr hurr. So unfunny.

[Talya]

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

 

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of

 

perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next,

 

fatty.'

 

********************************

 

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife

 

is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says: 'This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a

 

headache.'

 

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

 

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.'

 

********************************

 

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

 

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

 

She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get

 

paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

 

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

 

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

 

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I

 

want to see how you live on £800 a year'.

 

*********************************

 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2

 

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a

 

head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a

 

250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor

 

belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed

 

the items in front of the cashier.

 

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

 

stated,' You must be single.'

 

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

 

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

 

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

 

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

 

her marital status.

 

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what,

 

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

 

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

 

[Lord of 13]

Jesus clapped eyes on a crowd over the road which was chasing a woman to sone her. So Jesus scooted over there and asked in a loud voice, "What's going on here?"

One of the Scots in the crowd cried out, "This here wuman was fund havin hanky panky wae another man that wisnae her man, soz she wiz, and the law says we should stane her."

 

"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone."

 

Suddenly, a stone was lobbed down from out the sky, and cracked the woman full on her head.

 

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm tryin' to make a point here!"

 

:D

[cosmicpanda]

:D I like it!

 

*drunken rampage*

[Haxorsist]

Barmy.

 

SO FUNNY!

[Red2111]

a bit corny, but still a good chuckle

 

 

one day a duck waddles into a grocery store, he looks at the clerk and asks "Got any gwapes?" 

 

The clerk looks at the duck and shakes his head, a little dumbfounded "Ummm No." 

 

so the duck waddles out of the store.  the next day, the same duck goes into the same store.  he waddles up to the same clerk and asks "You got any gwapes?" 

 

Again the clerk tells the duck no and the duck leaves.  the next day the duck walks in again, asking "You got any gwapes?"

 

and the store clerk, now a bit annoyed, looks at the duck and says "No, and if you come in again asking for grapes i'm gonna staple your bill to the floor" the duck leaves.

 

the next day the duck wadles back in the store and up to the same clerk.

 

"You go any staples?"  the clerk eyes the duck and says "no"

 

the duck then asks "You got any gwapes?"

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

a blonde and her husband are asleep in bed.  in the middle of the night the phone rings and the blonde answers. after a minute she responds "I dont know, check the weather channel?" and hangs up.

 

the husband looks over at his wife and askes "Who was that?"

 

the blonde respods "I dunno, some woman asking if the coast is clear"

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

theres a blonde driving down the road in a corvette.

 

she comse across a corn feild, and in the middle of that cornfield she sees another blonde in a row boat.

 

the bonde slams on her breaks and jumps out; yelling  "it's blondes like you that give us a bad name; and if i could swim i'd come out there and kick yer butt!!!"

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

the CIA was hiring for a new assassin, out of he people who applied for the job, only 3 were left.  2 men and a woman.

 

the two interveiwing agents seperated each applicant into 3 seperate rooms; then went into men #1's room

 

They lay a gun down on the table infront of the man.  "When we leave, your wife will wak through that door; we need you to kill her."

 

The man looked at the gun, then back at the agents and stood up. "I'm sorry, i just can't do that."  the man left.

 

 

the agents then proceeded to the next room with Man #2.  laying the gun infront of him, they say "When we leave, your wife will wak through that door; we need you to kill her."  the agents leave, 5 minutes pass and the man walks out, head hanging and handing the gun back to the agents.

 

"I just couldn't do it." the man says, and leaves with his wife.

 

the agents then proceed to the room with the woman, layi=ng the gun infront of her ""When we leave, your husband will wak through that door; we need you to kill him."

 

about a minute after they leave they hear a banging and screaming comming from the room, then all was quite.  the woman comes out of the room wiping sweat off of her forhead.

 

"The gun was loaded with blanks, so i had to kill him myself."

 

 

[Barmacral]

Barmy.

 

SO FUNNY!

 

Just like your mom last night.

[Far Dareis Mai]

Talya: 10 points

 

Barm: 4 points

 

Red: 4 points

 

13: 4 points

 

Canuk: 2 points

[MatrixM]

My favourite joke:

 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The next day a man came to the gates of Heaven.

 

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

 

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

 

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and him hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out there and promptly started to stamp on his fingers. He fell but the canopy broke his fall, and he was still alive! In a rage, I grabbed the first thing I could find to throw at him, which was, oddly enough, my refrigerator. I heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

 

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

 

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

 

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

 

"Sure thing," the man replied. " I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing some chin-ups when my fingers slipped!

 

Luckily, I managed to grab onto the balcony directly below me but then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts stamping on my fingers! I fell but luckily the canopy below broke my fall. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the same maniac man throw his refrigerator over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me! I was crushed and instantly died"

 

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

 

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

 

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked, inside a refrigerator...."

[LordDaemonDracos]

Three nuns have died and are standing before the gates of heaven to speak with St. Peter.

St. Peter states the he has to ask them eacha question before he can let them in.

He turns to the first nun and asks her "Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"The Garden of Eden" she replies. "Correct, you may enter"

To the second he asks "What did God command Adamn and Eve not to do?"

She replies "Eat of the tree of knowledge".

And he allowed her to enter.

Then he turned to the Mother Superior and said "Your question will be a little more difficult because of your position. What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?"

The Mother Superior thought for a minute and said "hmm, now that's a hard one."

[ed2funy]

Psst...is this thread still alive???

 

If so, these are some of my favorites....

They are dumb..but give a good chuckle

 

Practical joke on an ex-girlfriend

 

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

 

 

 

Chocolate pudding

First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"

 

Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"

 

First soldier: "Whyever not?"

 

Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"

 

I think this and the last joke are somehow related...not sure though...

Pudding

 

 

 

Indian Chief's Signal

 

An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken. He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card (unfortunately B-) ). So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke: "Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!" The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back - once again, with the smoke:

 

"OK, chief, but why so much ?"

 

At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky... The tribe signals:

 

"Ok, Ok, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?"

 

 

 

How Army policy began

This is Army policy all begins...

 

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

 

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

 

Now, turn off the cold water.

 

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

 

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

 

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

 

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

 

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

 

That's how Army policy begins...

 

 

Somehow, I think SG works this way too...I just can't figure out why I think that tho...

lol....

:P

[Silver]

I'd tell some jokes.. but none are PG-13...

[ed2funy]

I will leave my jokes up...but wow...

 

Some of these are horrible...

Hateful even....

 

We shouldn't be posting such things up...

 

But you know why we do it?

Because we need love in our lives...

Love and peace....

 

Some calming is what we need....

*plays a peaceful melody and hums along*

 

Come on everyone...dance with me....

It will make you feel better...

:)

[Krakalakachkn]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

 

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

 

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

 

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

 

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

 

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

 

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[Krakalakachkn]

Why can't you play cards in the jungle?

 

 

Because there are too many Cheetahs!

[ed2funy]

You know, those Indians could learn a lot about love!

 

We should teach them...

 

There are all sorts of flowers in a forest..

We'll spruce up their little hut village.

 

*starts to pick all sorts of flowers*

*ties flowers around huts and on the doors*

 

If they knew the bliss that is love, they would not force people to put things in such unfortunate places...

Let us teach them Krak....

 

For with Love, all is at peace, even the Earth....

:)