Shack o' News

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Gay Teen Worried He Might Be Christian[/glow]

 

LOUISVILLE, KY—At first glance, high school senior Lucas Faber, 18, seems like any ordinary gay teen. He's a member of his school's swing choir, enjoys shopping at the mall, and has sex with other males his age. But lately, a growing worry has begun to plague this young gay man. A gnawing feeling that, deep down, he may be a fundamentalist, right-wing Christian.

 

"I don't know what's happening to me," Faber admitted to reporters Monday. "It's like I get these weird urges sometimes, and suddenly I'm tempted to go behind my friends' backs and attend a megachurch service, or censor books in the school library in some way. Even just the thought of organizing a CD-burning turns me on."

 

Added Faber, "I feel so confused."

 

The openly gay teen, who came out to his parents at age 14 and has had a steady boyfriend for the past seven months, said he first began to suspect he might be different last year, when he started feeling an odd stirring within himself every time he passed a church. The more conservative the church, Faber claimed, the stronger his desire was to enter it.

 

"It's like I don't even know who I am anymore," the frightened teenager said. "Keeping this secret obsession with radical right-wing dogma hidden away from my parents, teachers, and schoolmates is tearing me apart."

 

Faber's sock drawer is home to a number of illicit magazines he has secretly accepted from street preachers.

 

According to Faber, his first experience with evangelical Christianity was not all that different from other gays his age.

 

"Sure, I looked at the Book of Leviticus once or twice—everybody has," Faber said. "We all experiment a little bit with that stuff when we're growing up. But I was just a kid. I didn't think it meant anything."

 

Faber's instinct was to deny these early emotions. But recently, the Louisville teen admitted, the feelings have grown stronger, making him wonder more and more what life as a born-again right-wing fundamentalist would be like.

 

"The other week, I was this close to picketing in front of an abortion clinic," the mortified teenager said, his eyes welling up with tears. "I know it's wrong, but I wanted so badly to do it anyway. I even made one of those signs with photos of dead fetuses and hid it in my closet. I felt so ashamed, yet, at the same time, it was all strangely titillating."

 

Faber's parents, although concerned, said they're convinced their otherwise typical gay son is merely going through a conservative Christian phase.

 

"I caught him watching The 700 Club once when he thought he was alone in the house, and last week, I found some paperbacks from the Left Behind series hidden in his sock drawer," his mother, Eileen Faber, said. "I'm sure he'll grow out of it, but even if he doesn't, I will love and accept my son no matter what."

 

Faber's father was far less tolerant in his comments.

 

"No son of mine is going to try to get intelligent design into school textbooks," Geoffrey Faber said. "And I absolutely refuse to pay his tuition if he decides to go to one of those colleges like Oral Roberts University where they're just going to fill his head with a lot of crazy conservative ideas."

 

He added, "I just want my normal gay son back.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

omfg!

:D :D :D

 

Hilarious.

 

And on second note I think I have found my biggest fan.

[ed2funy]

Unless you write these, then no. :P :D

Ok >.> maybe...

 

The gay-teen-closet-christian-fundamentalist one was funny.

It turns the whole classic stereotype around and I was cracking up.

[Tynaal Consen]

o.O

 

And why did I never notice this thread before? Its epic! ;D

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Good-Looking One Not Working Today[/glow]

 

BROOKLYN, NY—To the great chagrin of sources at local coffee shop From the Ground Up, the Good-Looking One is not working today, and there is no evidence to suggest she will show up before the morning is over.

 

"Oh man, where is she?" coffee shop regular Glen Partridge said to himself, scanning the room for the Good-Looking One but finding only the Bad-Mood One, the Gay One, the Fat One With Red Hair Who Always Wears It In Braids, and others. "I deliberately sat in her section and even wore that brown sweater that makes me look thinner."

 

"Now I'm stuck with what's-her-face," added Partridge, referring to the Really Annoying One Who Blinks A Lot When She Talks.

 

The Good-Looking One, whom sources describe as really good-looking, with a pleasant complexion, a great body, and long brunette hair, usually works the morning shift, but was nowhere to be found at 10 a.m today, causing speculation as to her whereabouts.

 

"I don't get it, she's always here on Mondays," customer Eric Son said. "I wonder if she had to take time off for some reason, or if she got sick or something, or what."

 

"I hope she's okay," Son added.

 

Fellow coffee shop patron Justin Burke was also disappointed by the Good-Looking One's absence, and admitted that he initially mistook the One With The Slightly Off Face for the Good-Looking One, but quickly realized his error once she turned around.

 

"I'd like to ask one of the other employees why she's not here, but I don't want to come off as weird or anything," Burke said. "Maybe I'll just stick around a little bit longer. She could just be running late, I guess."

 

Other patrons explained that any inquiries into her whereabouts have so far been stalled by the fact that nobody knows her name, and no one wants to admit concern over her absence by describing her too accurately.

 

"I'm not sure what I'd even say," said one man, who wished to remain anonymous for fear his comments might get back to the Good-Looking One. "I can't just walk up to the counter and go, 'Hey, where's that really cute waitress with the tank top that always shows off her chest?' I'd look like a total sleazeball."

 

As if to echo these remarks, Creepy Older Dude Who Always Tries To Talk To The Good-Looking One came in, stood in the corner looking around for several moments, and then exited the establishment.

 

Management, so far, has remained tight-lipped about the current location of the Good-Looking One.

 

"Today's specials are mocha latte, hot chocolate with whipped cream, and Brazilian roast," said From the Ground Up owner Brenda Lake.

 

At press time, sources said that, to make matters worse, the Slightly Less Good-Looking One, who used to be the Good-Looking One until the current Good-Looking One was hired last May, was not working today either.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy[/glow]

 

MIAMI—Team officials from the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts emerged from a tense, 12-hour negotiating session Thursday and told reporters that, while they had yet to reach a settlement that would prevent a massive on-field conflict, the AFC and NFC champions were committed to resolving the Super Bowl through diplomatic channels.

 

"Playing this Super Bowl is our last resort," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who was flanked by the coaches and quarterbacks for the opposing teams. "Yes, there are some difficult issues that need to be hashed out, such as who will be the game's MVP, the number of total passing yards for each quarterback, and which team will be named Super Bowl champion, but I think we made progress today."

 

"The Colts and the Saints are unwavering in their commitment to avoid any violence and wish to resolve the Super Bowl peacefully, without a single football being thrown," Goodell added.

 

According to team sources, formal overtures to crown a Super Bowl victor through peaceful negotiation began almost immediately after Saints kicker Garrett Hartley connected on a game-winning field goal against the Vikings last Sunday.

 

Saints general manager Mickey Loomis reportedly sent one of the team's high-level ambassadors, Deuce McAllister, to Indianapolis to see if the Colts would agree to a 42-38 outcome wherein the Saints would be named Super Bowl champions. Sources confirmed Colts general manager Chris Polian told McAllister that, while he was open to diplomacy and would do anything to avoid sending his players into harm's way, his organization would prefer a final result that favors the Colts 27-17.

 

"Absolutely no one wants to see these teams forced to take the field and play 60 minutes of brutal football against each another," Colts owner Jim Irsay said. "But the Saints have to understand that if they aren't willing to meet us half way on some our demands, specifically those that are outcome-related, we are fully committed to using all our offensive firepower to achieve our goals."

 

"If this game is played, I assure you it's going to be a bloodbath," Irsay continued.

 

Saints owner Tom Benson told reporters that, while he believes the teams are capable of compromise, the major sticking point preventing the negotiations from moving forward has been a failure to agree on who would be the winner of the Super Bowl.

 

"The Colts don't seem to want to bend on this, and unfortunately, this is one area where we as an organization are firm," Benson said. "We are more than willing to give the Colts 36, 42, or even 986 points, just so long as the Saints receive 37, 43, or 987 in turn."

 

Continued Benson, "I'd just like the Colts to take a moment and think about what this long, bloody clash would be like, not only for their players, who will be putting themselves in the line of fire, but also for their families, who will have to watch their husbands and fathers be shipped out to Miami, some of them for the second time."

 

Commissioner Goodell said both teams reached a tentative agreement Thursday for the Saints to win a theoretical opening coin toss. However, this arrangement was contingent upon Saints kickoff return man Courtney Roby not running the ball deep into Indianapolis territory—an incursion the Colts said they would consider an act of aggression.

 

While some have praised Goodell's step-by-step approach to reach a game outcome through diplomacy, many believe it won't be enough.

 

"In my experience, negotiations like this always break down, and on Sunday, Feb. 7, at 6:28 p.m., all hell will break loose," said former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue, who has tried with little success to broker similar deals. "It will be just like last year and the year before that and the year before that. You'd think that after what the Giants did to the Patriots in 2008 these guys would learn their lesson."

 

Added Tagliabue, "That entire Patriots team was basically wiped out that night."

 

As of press time, Saints coach Sean Payton had been fired for making a verbal agreement to lose the Super Bowl prior to it being played.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Frantic Steve Jobs Stays Up All Night Designing Apple Tablet[/glow]

 

CUPERTINO, CA—Claiming that he completely forgot about the much-hyped electronic device until the last minute, a frantic Steve Jobs reportedly stayed up all night Tuesday in a desperate effort to design Apple's new tablet computer. "Come on, Steve, just think—think, dammit—you're running out of time," the exhausted CEO said as he glued nine separate iPhones to the back of a plastic cafeteria tray. "Okay, yeah, this will work. This will definitely work. Just need to write 'tablet' on this little strip of masking tape here and I'm golden. Oh, come on, you piece of shit! Just stick already!" Middle-of-the-night sources reported that Jobs then began work on double-spacing his Keynote presentation and increasing the font size to make it appear longer

[ed2funy]

lmfao! The tablet is hilarious.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Thoughtful Nation Questioning Whether Anyone Can Really 'Win' The Super Bowl[/glow]

 

MIAMI—As the Super Bowl captures the country's attention, excitement over the NFL's championship game is muted somewhat by the persistent question of whether winning, or losing for that matter, holds any absolute value—a question that has many football fans pondering the meaning of the game itself.

 

"We always say that one football team 'wins' the Super Bowl and one football team 'loses' it, but when you think about it—really think about it outside the narrow framework of scoring points—is that an accurate assessment of what happens?" Wheeling, WV resident Matthew Holland said. "One team celebrates while another walks solemnly back into the tunnel, but why? Another football season will begin again soon, and in the fullness of time, another Super Bowl will be played as if nothing had happened. And in a way, nothing has."

 

Holland's ambivalence toward what he calls "the tenuous and ephemeral concept of victory" is representative of a large and growing movement in football fandom. Although Super Bowl parties are going ahead as scheduled, many are puzzled, and even resentful, saying that in the span of a lifetime nobody ever really wins or loses, a fact that, by natural deduction, would also include Super Bowl participants.

 

"Name one absolute thing that makes one team a Super Bowl winner and the other a loser besides the score," Colts fan Gary Lam said. "You can't. It's all relative. They both play in the same game for the same amount of time in the same sport after playing the same number of games. Any differences, such as how many times one team gets the ball to a certain area or propels it through the uprights, are relatively minor. Saying that scoring fewer points is what makes a loser is disingenuous."

 

"The Cowboys scored more points than the other team in quite a few Super Bowls, but they were huge losers," Lam added. "And still are."

 

The question of whether a Super Bowl could actually be won took root in the popular consciousness when ESPN analyst Chris Berman posited the idea while reviewing 2009 highlights during a regular-season broadcast of Sunday NFL Countdown. Berman, dictionary in hand, said that winning was defined not only as finishing first, as in a race, but as succeeding by striving or effort, or by overcoming an adversary.

 

Berman further theorized that these conflicting definitions muddy the idea that there can be a clear-cut Super Bowl winner, stating, "After much thought, I am left with the question: What if both teams are succeeding by striving? And what if both teams actually have conflicting concepts of what constitutes their opposition—not a mere football team, but an adversary physical, metaphysical, or perhaps even emotional? If we agree that this is the case, then each team may have its own unique definition of success independent of the other, a definition rendering any so-called 'final' score moot."

 

Berman's ideas grew in popularity as the segment spread through YouTube, gained momentum on various football message boards, and inspired long late-night conversations among millions of ardent football fans. Soon the nation began to consider the idea that the Super Bowl may not be the final, ultimate expression of football.

 

"All our lives, or at least from the time it was first played in 1967, we believed the Super Bowl was something to be won, but we never bothered to question, What if that's all wrong? What if that's all just hubristic bullshit?" said Robert Holcomb, owner and head bartender of Rob's Sports Dugout in Wantagh, NY. "So yeah, I'll open my bar and watch these people cheer for their team, but maybe for the first time, I won't know what they're really cheering for. In the end, aren't we all just a barely self-aware collection of atoms? Couldn't we all return to dust at any moment?"

 

Although many fans share Holcomb's misgivings, most say they will still watch the game this Sunday and will do their best not to let existential questions affect their enjoyment.

 

"I am going to watch the game for the tackling, running, and throwing, not because they are a means to an end, but simply because each action should be celebrated in and of itself," New Orleans resident David Menninger said. "After all, whether or not a Super Bowl can actually be won is a question that will never be answered to the satisfaction of all football fans."

 

"Except in the case of the Vikings," Menninger added. "If there's one thing we all know for sure, it's that those schmucks are never going to win the Super Bowl.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Nation's Strangers Decry Negative Portrayal Among Children[/glow]

 

A group of strangers demands an end to the humiliation of having to pretend to read newspapers at public playgrounds.

 

WASHINGTON—Addressing reporters from behind a row of juniper bushes, a coalition of sketchy single men gathered in Washington on Monday to protest the "negative, demeaning, and often hurtful" portrayal of strangers when it comes to the nation's children.

 

"For years, strangers in this country have been depicted in an unfavorable light," said Strangers of America president Paul Hughes, dressed in his usual outfit of trench coat, gray slacks, and colorful Yu-gi-oh! baseball cap. "These days, it's almost impossible for a stranger to wake up in the morning, drive to a nearby park, and spend the afternoon quietly watching from the sidelines without young boys and girls immediately jumping to conclusions."

 

"It's a sad fact, but most children won't even talk to us at all," Hughes, 33, added. "Not even the little blond-haired ones."

 

According to SOA organizer Charles "Smiling Chuck" Osterhaus, strangers across the United States have long faced discrimination, with parents, teachers, and other authority figures regularly spreading lies about their intentions and warning children to refrain from accepting any of the delicious, delicious candy they have to offer.

 

In fact, Osterhaus said, a recent survey conducted by the organization found that almost 99 percent of all strangers are not actually the "bad men" they are so often portrayed to be, and most really do have the latest video games and comic books waiting back in their awesome basements, where there aren't any boring rules and everyone can just have fun.

 

"Why should I be made to feel like some kind of monster, just because I happen to own a van, and enjoy driving that van around the city, with maybe a little puppy or an adorable kitty cat in the backseat?" said Chicago-area stranger Dale Phelan, adding that it's wrong to judge people based on how they look, or the fact that they've never had a serious relationship their whole adult lives. "I've heard some of the terrible things people say about us strangers, and to be honest, not only is it hurtful, but the whole thing just makes me feel kind of sad."

 

Added Phelan to a group of first-graders leaving a nearby library, "You wouldn't want to see your ol' pal Dale sad, now, would you?"

 

 

The group maintains they wouldn't be strangers anymore if children got to know them, perhaps after a ride to the pet store.

 

In response to what it called a "grave injustice" predicated more on fear-mongering and rumors than actual fact, Strangers of America announced that it would be taking a number of steps to restore the images of its members.

 

SOA chairman Kurt Brimer, who reportedly loves drinking orange soda, and especially likes it when the bubbles tickle his nose, told reporters that he would be holding a sleepover this Friday in an effort to dispel a number of ugly myths, and was inviting all children from the neighborhood, especially Brian or his brother Matthew, to attend.

 

Likewise, self-described "perfectly harmless" stranger Doug Shannow said that he was encouraging kids who still have doubts to just approach him anytime during the week, and he'd take them to McDonald's and prove that there's absolutely nothing to be afraid of.

 

"Even the word 'stranger' is offensive," said a local Denver resident, who looked vaguely familiar, though no one in attendance could place where they knew him from. "I'm friends with a lot of boys and girls, and I can assure you that they all know me quite well."

 

So far, however, the efforts of the nation's strangers don't seem to have produced any meaningful change.

 

"No way, Jose!" said Seattle-area second-grader Joshua Freeberg, addressing a nearby stranger lingering behind a local arcade. "You want to touch my wiener.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

I started a loa yesterday, and I will be gone until Monday, I'm going yo Gatlinburg for a week.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

 

Sierra Leone Diamond Miner Devastated By News Of Broken-Off Enagement

 

D'akari can't bear the thought of Dave and Linda returning to the dating scene.

KENEMA, SIERRA LEONE--Standing waist-deep in one of the many gravel pits that surround the city of Kenema, and struggling to fight off the harsh African sun, local diamond miner Muwomba D'akari was deeply saddened Monday to learn of Linda Hines and David Meyer's recently canceled wedding engagement."Dave and Lulu? But that can't be," said D'akari, who in early 2009 awoke at dawn, dragged his meager frame eight miles to work, and spent half a day digging out the precious stone used by Meyer to propose to his then girlfriend. "The two of them, they were absolutely perfect for each other. David and Linda, they were so, so in love."

Dave and Linda

"I do not understand," D'akari added before being whipped by mine supervisors for speaking aloud. "How could something like this have happened?"

The 135-pound villager, who called the broken-off engagement a "tragedy," and told reporters that "Linda was exactly what David needed when he met her," spent most of Monday afternoon trying to process the news. D'akari said he hadn't felt this upset since the time his entire family was killed during Sierra Leone's decade-long civil war.

"They had so much in common," the stunned diamond miner said before momentarily blacking out from extreme exhaustion and being revived minutes later. "And David, he was a Sagittarius, which makes total sense for someone like Linda. Dave even got her to pursue her writing again, which she had basically given up on after college."

"God, their poor parents," D'akari added. "Shirley was so excited for this wedding."

Though reportedly not the type to cry, due in large part to his tear ducts having atrophied after years of dehydration, D'akari wept openly as he spoke of the Ohio-area couple. From the day Meyer first stepped into that Kay Jewelers and picked out the most beautiful ring he could find, to that magical night at Da Vincenzo's when he finally got down on one knee and asked Hines to be his wife, the American pair has always filled D'akari with a sense of warmth--even hope.

"If those two can't make it work, what chance do the rest of us have?" D'akari asked as he clawed away in search of another alluvial deposit, one that would allow him to feed his family, if only for a few more days. "I'm not really a pessimist, but you hear about something like this, and you can't help but think, what's the point of even trying? I'm sorry, but this just sucks. This just really, really sucks."

Devastated by the senselessness of it all, he then looked up to the heavens, wiped several beads of sweat from his face, and summoned the strength to speak once more.

"And after all that time they spent trying to find a caterer," D'akari said. "What a nightmare."

Despite his initial shock and dismay, and what appeared to be an acute case of dysentery, the Sierra Leone villager said he could never give up entirely on the idea of two people falling in love and spending the rest of their lives together, and hopes that some of the other couples he's been able to help will fair better.

"Susan and Michael, Rebecca and Trevor, Paula and George, Rosemary and Jacob, Annabelle and Larry, Gale and Brian, Vanessa and Dale, Joyce and Jonathan, Tracy and Robert, Janet and Victor, Amanda and Harold, Sarah and Thomas, Harriet and Tom, Darla and Christopher, Luanne and William," D'akari said. "I wish them all the best of luck."

[Zyrshnikashnu]

Do stories from The Onion count as news here?

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

I think so. Satirical news is what the shack o' news is about.

[Alaksuleiel]

I was thinking that Zyr, you beat me to the punch.

 

I think the idea was to find offbeat rel news, write your own pargraph on it, maybe a picture or two and link the article.

 

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Well then I will change it up. Sorry about that.  :-\

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=Orange,2,300]Drunk Mom Allegedly Runs Through School With Sword[/glow]

Tennessee Police Say Drunk Mother Runs Through Elementary School With Sword

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) - Police said the mother of an elementary school student drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor before brandishing a sword in her child's school. The woman, 32, apparently intended to confront the parents of another child who had been in a spitting match with her child the previous day.

 

According to court records, an employee at Riverview Elementary School in Memphis reported a drunk woman armed with a sword was running through the halls of the school and had threatened to cut her.

 

Officers who arrived on the scene retrieved a black cane that concealed the blade.

 

The woman charged with aggravated assault and having a weapon on school property.

 

Below is a photo taken before the alleged incident

 

Some thought the mother had been playing to much WoW. Her malt liquor was drank from a magic chalice that made her into a warrior and impervious to attacks. Her husband, who plays a shaman, came chasing after her with a large stick. More on this as the story develops.

 

 

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

I hope that is better.

 

I may do one onion story and one real story, because the onion stories were being received well. I'm going to stop spamming now, and I would appreciate all suggestions being sent in via pm.

[Alaksuleiel]

that was perfect :D and truly funny!

 

I would suggest if you are doing an onion story, do it in the same style.

 

 

[LedZepMan]

onion?

[Cadsuane]

www.theonion.com

 

Read it. Love it.  8)

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Man marries pillow.

 

 

A Korean man has caused a stir with his cuddly choice of bride: a large stuffed pillow.

 

Lee Jin-gyu has fallen for his 'dakimakura', a kind of large huggable pillow from Japan, reports the UK Metro.

 

And his beloved cushion, which has an image of Fate Testarossa from the 'magical girl' anime series Mahou Shoujo Lyrical Nanoha printed on the side, is now his wife after a special ceremony.

 

Lee, 28, even fitted out the pillow in a makeshift wedding dress for the nuptials before a local priest.

"He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere," a pal of the otaku (Japanese for an anime obsessive) tells the newspaper.

 

"They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal."

 

The service for Lee and his pillow is not the first unusual union; last November anothere otaku married his virtual girlfriend Nene Anegasaki, a character who only exists in a Nintendo DS game.

 

The man has also taken a restraining order out on Ed. Ed has been seen creeping around the man's house attempting to break in and steal the pillow bride for his own.

[Krakalakachkn]

The 30 Rock episode where James Franco guest stars and has a Japanese Pillow Girlfriend.  Then him, LIz, and the pillow have a threesome.  So funny.

[ed2funy]

Bahahaha!

I knew you would add something to that Pete. :D

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Village Idiot[/glow]

 

A woman whose hair caught fire when her hairspray-coated follicles ignited as she lit a cigarette is now a southern Indiana town's reigning "Village Idiot."

Dani Hamm earned the honorary title this month by getting the most votes from regulars at the Story Inn, a restaurant and bar about 15 miles east of Bloomington where she's a bartender.

The title awarded every April comes with a $100 bar tab at the rural inn.

Hamm was driving to work in February when she lit up a cigarette and then heard a "whoosh" as her hair ignited.

She wasn't injured because she used her hands to douse her hair, which she had coated with a liberal layer of hairspray.