Spymaster's Report 8/7/08

[Justen Diablos]

You may or may not know that I put no forethought whatsoever in what I post pretty much anywhere.  That lack of planning extends to this here Spymaster report, I just kind of write as the mood dictates.  But one thing I did notice about last week's effort was it was horribly written.  Now usually you can expect a ton of grammatic errors from me (misplaced punctuation, run-on sentences, mis-spelled words etc. etc. etc.), but last week was especially bad.  For that, I apologize, and I will attempt to write more clearly in this report. 

 

One other thing I will do is stop mentioning Cads so often.  Cads was actually the person to point out the fact that I do mention her surprisingly often.  You see, I'm busy trying to convince Cads that it would be in her best interest to make out with me like we're highschoolers (maybe even let me get to second base :o).  By repeatedly mentioning Cads' name however, I'm putting myself at a disadvantage, because then I'll seem like the more desperate of the two parties.  I'm JD after all, and I'm amazing (much like Tom Cruise is amazing) so I certainly don't need to look like the supplicant.  So, Cads will not be mentioned at all in this spymaster report.  Hopefully this will give me the advantage in our ongoing cat and mouse game (is it better to be the cat or the mouse?).

 

Interesting question about parenthetical usage.  If you have a question inside of the parenthesis but the actual sentence itself would end in a period how is this problem resolved?  Like I just did, or another way? SD would probably know.  Anyway, on to my Cads free report.

 

World News

 

In honor of our fearless leader Hax we'll begin as always in the mythical land of Canadia.  (Brief note. about the news, in theory I'm to report on all the news that has happened over the last week, but what I really do is check out yahoo.com as I write this and pull off the arcticles that I feel are the most newsworthy.  This methodology generally results in news stories from today and/or yesterday.  If this bothers you, I don't care, but you can e-mail me anyway with that or any other questions (my e-mail can be found in my DM profile).  By the way, does it count if I mention Cads here inside the parenthesis, I mean it really doesn't count.  What about double parenthesis? (cads) like so?)

 

What?

 

Oh yeah, Canadia.

 

Well Canadia is apparantly picking a fight with Wal-mart.  The Canadian Supreme Court has agreed to hear the appeal of some union up north against Wal-mart.  Let me break down the situation.  You see Wal-mart is strongly anti-union.  Part of the new hire process includes a movie that is very anti-union and the 17 week manager trainee program (that your boy JD took part in) is filled with situational doctrine on what to do if the union strikes your store.  Obviously the union see's wal-mart as a real cash cow.  They have an extremely extensive corp of workers throughout the US and Canada and if the union can infiltrate just one Wal-mart they feel they can spread their influence throughout the country.  If you feel the need to study up on this issue go ahead.  But my stance will follow. (Note. I am a republican, I am also a former Assistant Manager of Wal-mart (I worked as the Grocery Manager at the Pierre, SD Wal-mart))

 

Union's suck.  I actually had a fairly long diatribe that I just now deleted.  Because once again, I'm JD.  I do silly, not political.  My bad. 

 

*shakes a fist at Canadia*

 

You see what you make me do?

 

In political news Hillary Clinton supporters are very angry that she's thrown her support behind Obama, while McCain supporters are using this against him.  It actually seems like Obama might be better off without Clinton help, this didn't stop them from recently posing for this picture.

 

 

What you see there was just the prelude though, what happened next is actually too graphic for me to describe, so I'll bring in my 9th grade Health Teacher Mrs. Madson.

 

Mrs. Madson.  Proceed.

 

Mrs. Madson:  Thank you Gerry...erm, Justen.  From here on out I will speak in italics for the benifit of the reader.

 

Like so.

 

Okay after a light kiss on the cheek Barak and Hillary began kissing each other on the mouth,  very quickly thereafter the two began what many of the young people refer to as 'french kissing' which involves the intertwining of the two parties' tongues.  Now this lasted for a good four or five minutes until hormones began to run wild and the two started necking.  This was initiated by Mr. Obama but at no point refuted by Mrs. Clinton.  As necking often does this led to some light over the shirt 'petting',  Mrs. Clinton was a little uncomfortable about this but Barak was, after all, the coolest boy in the democratic party and she'd heard he'd 'gone all the way' with Nanci Pelosi.  Who was she to turn him away?  Once Barak had seen her willingness he began to grope upward underneath Mrs. Clinton's shirt.  She pushed his hand away three seperate times but Mr. Obama didn't get to where he is in life by being a quitter.  Finally after telling her that if she really loved him she'd allow it...

 

*bell rings*

 

Wait, it looks like that's all the time I have today, sorry Gerry...erm Justen.  For tomorrow's class I want everyone to bring a banana for demonstration purposes.

 

Thanks Mrs. Madson.  Good looking out.

 

On the Republican side John McCain is not a hypocrite.  Despite the fact that he's nationally recognized as the major proponent of campaign finance reform it doesn't make him hypocritical just because he had a foriegn national (one Mustafa Abu Naba from Jordan) bring in over 50 G's in money from 'folk he knew'.  I know what you're thinking though Well if that's not hypocritical what is?  Well let's look at the definition of a hypocrite shall we?

 

This is from Webster's.

 

Main Entry: hyp·o·crite 

Pronunciation: \ˈhi-pə-ˌkrit\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English ypocrite, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin hypocrita, from Greek hypokritēs actor, hypocrite, from hypokrinesthai

Date: 13th century

1 : a person who puts on a false appearance of virtue or religion

2 : a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings

— hypocrite adjective

 

*nods*

 

Exactly.

 

What?

 

Oh...um, well let's move on to entertainment shall we.

 

Anderson Cooper is in a fight with the Lohans.  Something about the 14 year old daughter growing up to be a prostitute someday because of her involvement in the whole 'reality TV' thing.  I refuse to get involved in this for two reasons.  1.  I love anderson Cooper.  Because when I was a boy Anderson was the one who went to awesome war zones like Iraq (Wow we've been there a long time eh?  Oh, it's two seperate wars?  Why did we go back if we were done over there?  Huh? Oh. ok) for Channel 1 News.  Now you know Channel One probably paid the guy like 10000 dollars a year and he went to a war zone.  All for the kids.  Love ya Coop, even though you are a commie.  And the Lohan's I also love because I think I'd really enjoy putting Lindsey on top of washing machine and hitting the spin cycle over and over again (or for at least 7 to 8 minutes  :-*).

 

Finally in sports news Brett Favre has been traded to the NY Jets.  Apparantly the Packers were so desperate for him to just go away they offered him 20 million dollars to retire.  So Brett Farve had become so bad the people who loved him most in the world were willing to pay him to stop playing.  :)  And he refused.  There's so much in that to mock that a satirist like myself doesn't even know where to begin.  So I'll leave it alone, because some things are just too easy. 

 

DM News

 

Where shall I start?  Now I know what you're thinking, Why don't you just start over at the Seanchan main board without explaining why like you always do?  Hey that's a good idea.

 

Well they probably just discussed movies I could give a rat f**k about but let's find out.  But Justen, the Seanchan are your org.  Are you telling us you never check your own main board?

 

Yeah, that's pretty much exactly what I'm telling you.

 

So if anyone cares about The Mummy, Buffy's cartoon adventures... ok ok, animated adventures (like there's a difference), um  Harry Potter news, Hero's and villians (whatever that is) and some other stuff.  Kat stopped by and started a thread about Tropic Thunder, that might be a good movie I suppose.  Oh and my favorite Californian Goddess (who shall remain nameless) talked about Mad Men.  Which I don't care about any more than the rest of it but I'll pretend I'm interested just to placate her (the one we won't talk about) *nods*

 

You know one movie I've actually been looking forward to is Pinneapple Express with Seth Rogan and James Franco.  Is there news on that?  No.  But that movie releases like...today! I know, it's like my own org doesn't love me.  :(

 

Awwwwwwww, you see what they've done to my emoticon?  Feel bad for me, you know you want to.

 

Next up at the Main Community Board there's mostly talk of books that aren't WoT over there.  Um, some dude named the true source asked if anyone played the 360 and was told there was an entire org devoted to the 360... and also to making JD's emoticon sad.  :(

 

*nods*

 

Other news at the Discussion board they're discussing the watchman (yet one more movie I don't care about) and someone with a name I can neither spell nor pronounce (started with an A) asked if anyone was planning on buying a kindle from Amazon.  He never really explained what a kindle is in his post, only posted a link so that everyone else can check it out but I can't (I don't follow links) because apparantly even people with names I can't pronounce want to do nothing but hurt my emoticon.

 

:'(

 

look at him.  You see what you've done alenveaien whatever your name is?

 

The CoL board (the one you're on right now) actually has news to report. WHOOP!  Thanks to my boy Maj and his post on the history of farts.  Thanks Maj,  :) and next week I shall devote an entire section of my column to Football, just for you.  *nods* 

 

The Aiel basically worked off threads from last week and had even more birthdays! I mean how many F'b Birthdays can you people possibly have anyway?  Aside from that they've been quiet.  The Band of the Red Hand still has too many sticky's at the top of their board.  The Ogier stopped by for a visit and they're battle of the bands thing continues.  A couple folk also came back from LOA's n' stuff.

 

Oh that reminds me Tenshin XO is back and looking like a pirate over in the 'Chans intermost chambers.  What? You're not a member of the Seanchan?  Well you should join, because all the cool kids are doing it.

 

At the Black Tower...

 

No, you can wait for it.  And don't even think about skipping to the end of this post.

 

Let's talk Illuminator's shall we?  Well, yours truly (that's your boy JD for those not paying attention) was actually very dissapointed in this months Illuminator.  I happened to enjoy the last month's edition but this month...not so much.  Still I continue to love all things Illuminatorial (it's a word *nods*) and will look forward to it again next month.  I have faith in Cloglord to live up to my expectations.  Um, not really much else new going on over there.  Hey the CoL are also visiting there, led by spammer extraordinare Barmy.  Good work Barms, way to get the CoL brand name out there.  Now if only you were funny.

 

The Kin's spammer's challenge is up to 8089 posts.  That seems like a lot.  I'm not necessarily a big fan of the whole spamming thing but if you're going to do it, might as well do it right.  So go Kin.  The Ogier are visiting the kin as well, and I do so love the Ogier.  Tigara had her official DM 2 year anniversary, so big ups on that one.  Wait, Tigara's a dude I guess.  I don't get the sig then.  ???

 

See, look what you've done to my emoticon now!  And he was so happy after the CoL thing with Maj.

 

Shame on you Tigara, I think you should explain yourself and your cross-dressing signature.

 

Um...Windsoftime posted on the Ogier board trying to stir up some activity in the Ogier.  I wish you well Ogier, you're rapidly becoming my second favorite board to check (after the White Tower of course).  If you're even thinking Wait, What about the Seanchan? You better stop.  Are you trying to upset my emoticon?  You know he's sensative. 

 

Oh, SG have posts.  I read posts.

 

You can get back in my good graces over at the Ghul by explaining your points system.  I don't get it.

 

Next up is the wolfkin.

 

Hold on, I'm gonna grab some kool-aid first.

 

...

 

...

 

(Note. those periods denote time passing as I went to grab some cool-aid from the fridge. Obviously I didn't type them as I was grabbing the kool-aid, because that would have been impossible.  In point of fact I typed them before I went to get my kool-aid, in case that shines any kind of light into my personality.  Didn't do it after I came back, though I could have. *nods*)

 

Not really alot new to report at the wolfkin but Naeann had an experience where she was posting at the wolfkin and she got a banner ad for puppy pads.  And since she's a JD Spymaster favorite I suppose that's worth reporting. 

 

Saving the best for last we hit the White Tower.  Red2111 continues posting stories of her own experiences upon the White Tower board for all and sundry to read and for that.  I, Justen Diablos, declare Red2111 to be

 

Amazing

 

(Not like Tom Cruise is Amazing) but still very Amazing.

 

Also at the White Tower I posted volume two of JD's Epic Tale of Epicness.  Volume 1 was posted a month or so ago on fiddlesticks.  I'm not sure where I'll put volume 3 yet.  Since I put all that work in those and have barely recieved responses to it all.  >:(

 

Oh you see, now you done went and pissed my little guy off.  Bah.  You know what I have to do to make him happy don't you?  *shudders*

 

Anyway I did promise so here I go.

 

THE BLACK TOWER

 

Hmmm, the BT has a lot of sticky's as well.  First post I read was by Talya and it was a link.  (getting off on the bad foot we are, perhaps Tayol will do better by me) Ok, so the I'm Rich thread was amusing, and rather than have me follow a link, Tayol brought the link to me.  Thumbs up there, let's move on shall we?  Ok we have a couple threads that are like 11-13 pages long I'm not reading those...hmmmm not really sure what the shockwave competition is all about.  You know I actually read Talya's no point to anything thread and was very disheartened to see it ruined by her fellow orgmates.  Ahhh, Talya, I feel your pain, to have all your orgmates want nothing more from life than to make you sad (by talking about animated Buffy the vampire slayer and desperate housewives from sun-up to sundown)  Our kinship has made my emoticon happy.

 

;D

 

So that is how we'll end this section.

 

Other Tidbits

 

I've been working on things to do with this third section, because I feel like I need one and I generally just have the two.  Hmmmmm, needing three points when I only have two, who does that remind me of? 

 

It's somebody I know.

 

Somebody awesome.

 

Oh well, maybe it'll come to me.

 

Anyway for this third section I'll go back in time, as earlier this week (read yesterday because I was home playing online poker and being bored all day) I went to check out the Empy awards board.  Because when they took place I had actually just returned to the site and I remember thinking.  'I don't know any of these people'.  So I figured if I went back now and checked it I might know more people, and it would all make sense.  Well, it didn't, I still have no idea who any of those people are.  12th Regiment won silliest member, I've never seen a post, is he silly?  Does he truly carry the mantle handed down from people liked Odilon and former Freelander Org Leader Grey (Now that man was silly and shall be missed throughout time by those who remember him)?  I don't know, I guess he's silly, because you voted him so.  Of course you voted Barm's most funny too, and after 6 months I still can't figure out why.  Although I've recently discovered he's not horrible at snappy one liners, so if that's all you need to get you through the day I guess he's not exactly not funny.  Still, funny?  I tend to wonder.  Anyway I ran across this old thread and it amused me, because this is Barm's officially laid down the challenge to your Boy JD.  So let us go back in time shall we to early March.

 

This is from Barm's acceptance speach for funniest community member.

 

 

And there are far too many others that I’d like to thank individually, but alas, I have promises to keep, and to keep them I must announce them.

 

My promises are a wonderful thing, and should be accepted with grace and love, please don’t start a riot or kill anyone stampeding around in joy.

To Canada I’d like to promise free healthcare, paid for only by your taxes.

To Britain I’d like to promise a Monarch by the name of Elizabeth.

To Australia I’d like to promise totally backwards seasons from the rest of the civilized world.

To Norway I’d like to promise Danya, Hax, Demi and Ata.

To me I’d like to promise many more years of all those things I thanked myself for above.

To DM I’d like to promise more of me for a long time to come.

To Justen Diablos I’d like to promise being overshadowed by my awesomeness.

To Emperor I’d like to promise the same.

To Tessandra I want to promise much slacking on the job. Well, maybe not, that might not be so safe to promise, well, I promise something then.

To everyone not mentioned here, I’d like to promise DM for many years to come, but that is kinda dependent on Jason.

To those going to Dcon, I promise you a chance to worship me in person.

 

...

 

The one, The only,

 

Barm

 

My response went thusly

 

Congrats Barm, and since you're a CoL I'll choose not to teach you a little lesson about keeping my name out of your mouth.  :P  Nor will I attempt to upstage you on your congratulations thread.

 

There will be a time and place for this showdown though.  :-*

 

 

I actually ended up with some stuff I didn't mean about how he was funny n' stuff.  Of course I didn't know him then like I do now.  I've come to know Barm's as a very active member of a community I dearly love (which is awesome), a fantastic newbie mod (I don't know if we could find one better) and not really all that bad a kid (for a canadian).  He's just not funny, and I'd like to think that over the past few months I've at least managed to poke my head out of his giant looming shadow  ::)

 

On my best days anyway.

 

JD,

Smitten with Cads and not mentioning it in his Spymaster report since '08

[JenniferL]

I love you.

[Cadsuane]

Watch it, Kath. Say that too many times, and I'll have to fight you (actually, I won't, because I'm pretty certain you'd kick my ass, but I have to keep up appearances here).  >:(

 

;)

[Naeann]

And since she's a JD Spymaster favorite I suppose that's worth reporting. 

 

 

 

 

Thanks. ^^  Happy to hear I'm a favorite.

[Haxorsist]

How do you become a JD favourite? Do you change the gender in your profile to female? :)

 

Nah, I'm just kidding. I don't want to cheapen your favouriteness. On to the report!

 

I don't think I've ever given you props for your mad parentheses skills, JD. Especially the first one in World News. It had a kick ass lenght. Yes, I'm still talking about the parentheses.

 

As a Norwegian-Canadian I have to say that unions are cool. Why I have to say it? Don't know really.

[Justen Diablos]

Aww, I love you too Kat, thanks.  :)

 

And Hax, are you somehow implying that I, Justen F'n Diablos, legend in my own mind and champion of all things DM have some sort of gender bias?  I'm shocked!!>? (are they buying it?)

 

Anyway Spymaster's favorite, in the olden days simply meant a DMer who was not a member of the CoL who I enjoyed reading the posts of.  I mean I read a lot of posts (still do actually) and a Spymaster fav was someone who made me perk up and say... whoa, it's Karana, or Hey, it's Ehlana.  That kind of thing.  Since currently I consider the Seanchan to be my org when I refer to Spymaster column favorites it means people outside of the 'Chan.  Perhaps folk I don't really interact with on a day to day but enjoy none-the-less.  So far these people include Naeann, Nephitess, Red2111, Quinselas Sedai (Don't think that's spelled right but she's a WT novi  ;)), Elgee, Mystica, Jelly (I think Jelly's technically a 'Chan but I don't consider her so) and there are probably one or two others.

 

What?  Ok so there are no guys on there what's your point?  That's not my fault, blame the men of DM for sucking (ie. not being funny, interesting, clever, smart, or smelling good.  :P). Otherwise why would your boy JD be able to come in to DM and immediately have all the girls swarming me like I'm John Mayer in a coffee house eh?  Mayhaps some of the gents around here need to step up their game somewhat and stop putting forth posts that have four words, three emoticons and make me dumber for having read them.  There's a reason people think Barm's is funny and that's because of the people around him.  He's not funny, he's just comparatively funny, because everyone else refuses to step up their game.  And I love Barms, if he weren't a member of my org (he's a member of every org actually) he'd be a Spymaster Fav because of the effort he occasionally puts into his posts.  So that's the new criteria for Spymaster fav.  Be funnier and more interesting than Barm. 

 

I'm really not asking that much (seriously, really not asking that much at all).

 

Barm, you're now the measuring stick to which all men at DM are judged, hope you're up to it Champ.

 

JD,

Spymaster for the CoL

 

Postscript:  You're my Heroine and my heroin Cads. *nods*

[Haxorsist]

liek seriously what do you mean?!?!?!?! ??? ??? ::) ::) ??? ??? >:( >:( >:( ;D :D ;) ??? :P :-X ??? r u kiddin????

[Elgee]

You put the F into Awesome, JD  ;D

 

There's no F in Awesome?

 

Oh

 

Well, that's how we spell it in South Africa  ::)

[Emperor]

I really need more mentions next week.  It really hurts me when Barm gets more attention than me.  Time to step up my game.

[Nynaeve]

If it helps any, I promise to shun Barm for the next two weeks and profess my love to you around DM for the next week....

 

And this has nothing to do with me being bored. really not. Just trying to make you, my friend, feel better  *nodnod*  >.>

 

 

 

Nyn

[Barmacral]

Just so you know, I'm this tall:

 

[Red2111]

:)  thanks for the compliment JD, i enjoy reading yer spymaster reports now that i know they exists.

 

 

[Tenshin_Xo]

Wow.  Empy, you better watch out, if even I the traitorous sicilian keep getting more mentions than you, you might have a coup on your hands.  We'd call it the purge of course, and it'd be led by some crazy bearded one eyed dude, but it be coup all the same. ;)