To the citizens of the United States of America from John Cleese

[Canukistani]

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for

President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections. Congress and the

Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next

year to determine whether any of you noticed.

 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

 

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You

will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

 

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour',

'colour', behaviour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to

spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix

-ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.

 

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary' ).

 

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler

noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and

inefficient form of communication.

 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

 

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

 

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

 

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough

to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist

then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry

anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be

required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is

for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will

understand what we mean.

 

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you

will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same

time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the

benefit of conversion tables.

 

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

British sense of humour.

 

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been

calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,

fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as Lager.

 

South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the

beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did

for them.

 

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors

as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English

actors to play English characters.

 

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings

and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed

with a cheese grater.

 

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one

kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave

enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some

similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping

for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour

like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and

Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

 

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable

to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not

played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that

there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans

first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

 

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's

Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of

all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries

in season.

 

God save the Queen.

 

Only He can.

 

John Cleese

[eclipse0]

That's pretty funny

[Tharengore]

GAH not here as well!....*smack Can*...bad girl bad!! hehe...Just cause you lost your empire dont get all nepolean on US....hehehe Now to hunt John down and beat him with a bush doll just for fun....hehehe....

[eclipse0]

John Cleese will kick your @$$, John Cleese will kick your face, John Cleese will kick your butt into outer space.

[HeroAndros]

Yeah...the first Brit that tried that would be shot, without thought, or remorse.

[Tayol]

took us 800 years to get our independence....

[Dunbar]

excellent xd

[Elgee]

Go us!! (us being South Africa)

 

I take exception to the last phrase in point 14, though: NOTHING takes the sting out of our deliveries !

 

*does a mini mexican wave because Jacques Kallis just hit some nancy American baseball bowler for a 6*

 

*Goes back to having tea ... in a CUP please ... with biscuits*  ;D

[Dunbar]

i like tea!

[Elgee]

Do have a cup with me.  Milk, sugar? Or are you a slice of lemon person?  :D

[Dunbar]

lots of milk, lots of sugar

 

xd

[eclipse0]

Tea is a pansy drink, unless it's a Long Island Iced!

[Gerrendus]

*twaps eclipse*

I happen to like tea

and I also happen to like Britain.

[Jehaine]

Great one, thanks for the list XD

 

Most people on my msn list are American, so i'll be rubbing this in their faces (in good humour!) now :P

[Gerrendus]

jehaine, I love the quote--Cole's Axiom thing

[gaebreil]

Hey, f**k you.

 

Your basic premise is wrong: Barack Hussein Obama will be one of the world's greatest leaders. And only America could produce someone like him.

 

So have fun having to sing worship to a queen in a palace.

 

 

[eclipse0]

A queen that has no power but sucks up your tax dollars...

 

 

::)

[Elgee]

uhmmm ... that would be Pounds, I believe  ;D

[eclipse0]

Or 'bones' or 'clams' or whatever you'd like to call them.

[Tayol]

Hey, f**k you.

 

Your basic premise is wrong: Barack Hussein Obama will be one of the world's greatest leaders. And only America could produce someone like him.

 

So have fun having to sing worship to a queen in a palace.

 

 

 

lets not get into the whos better than who, because we all know Ireland is the best

 

:)

[Gerrendus]

I mean who else has a built in excuse to drink as much as they want.

I saw a shirt one time that said god gave the irish beer to keep them from taking over the world

[Elgee]

Don't forget whisky - the Irish invented that  :D

[Tayol]

I saw a shirt one time that said god gave the irish beer to keep them from taking over the world

 

You ask any fellow Irish man when we are drunk, there is nothing we cant do when we are drunk

[gaebreil]

OK I have to agree, IE is usa's equal, i was just there, the guinness is fantabulous

[Ksendin]

Yay, that was awesome. Finally the Americans will stop being so stupid and insisting that they continue to use their system instead of metric, everyone else does!!

 

Oh yeah... Canada is the best!! An the queen shouldn't be there.... no power yet people still listen to her..... messed up country.....