Shack of News With Berf Bieber

[Aust]

News Flash: I'm reviving the Shack o'News, and I'll be serving as producer, anchor, chief foreign correspondent, and naked weatherman. Exciting, no?

 

But wait, there's more!!

 

Wonderful as I am at multi-tasking, I'm going to want a little army of paparazzi (that's all of you) to go out and find me good stories and pictures to report on. I'll get right to the point - send me a story idea with link and/or pictures and if it's newsworthy, you get 10 points! If you send me a complete story that I just have to do some minor editing to, you get 15 points. Easy money right?? We're looking to revive a bit of the style that Dunbar had when he first made the thread, but with an updated edge. (Besides, I don't think anyone could do it just the way Dunbar did!)

 

 

For those of you who can't read don't like reading long posts, I'll break it down into bullets:

 

* pm me a newsworthy story idea with a link and or pictures = 10 points

 

* pm me an entire story that you've written = 15 points

 

* don't post your news in the news thread itself - send anything to me that you want published. I know I know it's a terrible injustice to curb your artistic freedom of the press but this is a propaganda news machine, so that's how the cookie crumbles ;)

 

* you MAY comment on news stories in the stickied thread - in fact I encourage that, and you may just get some points for any brilliant remarks you make!

 

 

This is a quick way to rack up some points and give those 4th leveler's a run for their money! Oooh and I'll give bonus points for something exceptional. If I see a talented little reporter out there, I may just recruit someone to help me out on a full time basis. The benefits of working in the news are wonderful. Not only do you get to see me do my naked weather, I'll autograph any body part you want!! :D

[Gythwyn]

Nekkid weather?

 

Woohoo!

[Aust]

News on the Edge - this week's interesting events brought to you by your dashing roving reporter, Aust. I'm ready for my closeup!!!

 

Welcome everyone to this weekend's broadcast.

 

 

 

Rampaging bikini girl wants her Whopper. Now.

 

Fresh in from Miami. "An angry spring breaker made a whopper of a statement when she sparked a riot inside a Florida Burger King over the weekend. The bikini-clad woman, identified as Kimesia Smith, jumped on top of the counter and tossed coins, food and drinks at employees of the Panama City BK, which only fueled onlookers to join in on the food fight. The riot was captured by cellphone video and posted on YouTube for the world to see. "

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IHiu7Pu-Xc

 

Fresh out of finishing school, these lovely ladies bring assertiveness to a new level. Frustrated at how long it took to make the order, they of course engaged in the only reasonable course of action. Hop up on the counter wearing a string biking and start throwing stuff until you get your way. Why doesn't stuff like this happen during my lunch break??

 

Food has often been the the inspiration for rage. A quick retrospective on the topic reminds us of a story from the past:

 

Iraq War Veteran Dies Trying to Protect Buffet Ice Cream Machine from Obese Woman. This happened several years ago, back in 2006, but I think the story bears repeating... sort of an urban legend to not mess with hormonal women craving food. From an unknown source:

 

Home just eight weeks after being wounded during his second tour in Iraq, Javier Rodriguez of Macon, Georgia died in an attempt to protect the solvency of his new employer from the gluttony of a customer when he inserted himself between the soft serve ice cream machine at a Country House Buffet restaurant and a four hundred pound woman Tuesday afternoon. According to official reports, Rodriguez, a non-US citizen who served eighteen months in Iraq before being discharged after sustaining the ill-effects of a concussive blast in July, died almost immediately from trauma he received from Jessica Clark of nearby Glenhaven when he attempted to repel the morbidly obese woman's seventh trip back to the all-you-can-eat restaurant's dessert bar.

 

"Soon as he done it I said to myself, 'That boy's got a screw loose standin' between a fat lady and her sundae cart thattaway'," recounted one eyewitness, "But even though he looked real scared, he stood his ground and started begging her, 'Please lady no more', and something about having a wife and kid to feed at home as that heifer started mooing, going, 'moooo', 'moooo', louder and louder until I realize she's sayin' 'move', but he wouldn't back down. I aint never seen nothin' braver."

 

 

After an estimated 30 second stand-off, Clark struck Rodriguez over the head with a clubbed fist, then stomped his prone body once before pouring a seventh large bowl of vanilla-chocolate swirl ice cream topped with hot fudge, brownie bits, M&Ms, peanuts and rainbow jimmies.

 

 

Proof that food really can kill.

 

 

 

 

[Aust]

That's not urine...it's art!!

 

 

Londoners have been recently treated to an extraordinary display of modern art with Dirt: the Filthy Reality of Every Day Life. Showcased at the Wellcome Collection in London England. The exhibit features roughly 200 exhibits. Highlights include vials of urine, air samples of a human excretion known as "rice water" -- a cloudy whitish liquid secreted by cholera victims when the disease drained their bodies of nutrients, dehydrated them and caused their kidneys to fail. Existentialist view of humanity's propensity for waste and filth, or just plain dirty? Who can say, although a user group on Flickr has been inspired by the project.

 

 

Next time you don't clean your shower... just call it art. I'm also going to try bottling up my urine to sell it on Ebay.

 

 

Woman has fingertip bitten off in Walmart love triangle tiff.

 

Fresh in from our associate Brian Hamacher at NBCMIAMI.com

 

 

 

 

 

A Florida Walmart worker who suspected her co-worker of sleeping with her husband was arrested after she allegedly attacked the other woman and bit off part of her finger at the supercenter's parking lot.

 

Clodia Coicour, 43, was arrested Monday on a charge of aggressive battery with great bodily harm causing permanent disfigurement for the bloody brawl at an East Naples Walmart, according to naplesnews.com.

 

The victim told Collier County deputies that she was leaving work around 7 a.m. when she was suddenly attacked by Coicour near her car.

 

She told police Coicour threw a spicy substance — possibly pepper spray — in her face, which burned her eyes before Coicour set upon her and bit off the tip of her right ring finger.

 

Coicour later told deputies that she attacked the woman because she'd heard a rumor she was having an affair with her husband, who also works at Walmart.

 

The husband and the victim denied the affair to police.

 

[Aust]

Caught with his pants down... and it wasn't Verbal!!!!

MINNEAPOLIS (WCCO) — CBS Minnesota:

 

Police discovered a half-naked man sleeping in a restroom stall with pornographic magazines at a Panera Bread in Minneapolis, according to the Hennepin County Sheriff’s Office.

 

Minneapolis Police were dispatched Wednesday at 2:12 p.m. to the Panera, located at 809 Nicollet Mall, on the report of indecent exposure. When they arrived, they found the man sleeping on his back in the stall with his pants and underwear pulled down around his ankles.

 

Police noticed that there were pornographic pictures spread out and some affixed to the stall walls. The man had apparently fallen asleep while masturbating, according to the criminal complaint.

 

 

Nothing is more embarrassing than being caught with porn...

 

 

 

 

 

except for being caught passed out in a bathroom with porn. Perhaps this was a missed marketing opportunity for Cialis? Something apparently went very wrong in executing the masturbation.

 

The man was referred to join a support group hosted by Verb and Berf.

 

 

Did someone say porn? Now in 3D, and that's not a bra size!!

 

This just in from our eager reporter Gythwyn. I've sent him deep under cover at Penthouse where he's been working hard under cover to get an intimate experience with the new 3D technology they've been developing in the secret loins of the organization. Penthouse reps were tight lipped when publically asked about the new developments, but Gythwyn was able to loosen them up a little bit by massaging their egos. He slipped into their hearts and convinced them to give him a peep of their new 3D film format. It must be really realistic, because he came back wtih two black eyes.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUKASYpJOhQ

 

 

 

Scooped.

 

 

I completely missed this story, reported here by a competitor:

 

 

 

I always knew hockey was a dangerous sport!

[Aust]

Anger management works uh.. really well for Chris Brown

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone's favorite batterer demonstrated publicly that anger management DOES work, as long as you can rip your shirt off and throw a tantrum when people ask you think about your temper. "The 21-year-old smashed a window with a chair, screamed and ripped his own shirt off after the reporter asked him questions about his 2009 assault against then-girlfriend Rihanna. He's since apologised for the outburst, admitting he felt "exploited" by the show's producers and just "wanted to released the anger" he felt inside."

 

 

Insider reports indicate Brown will be joining fellow "Most-Misunderstood" celebrity Lindsay Lohan in a new reality show called "Narcissistic Rampages". Their first guest?

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNtjyxV69YE

 

Jenelle Evans, of Teen Mom. Role model for expectent teens everywhere!

 

 

And, to close off with a bit of old news. But who can get enough breast milk anyhow? It's the healthiest thing going, and it's quickly become a great answer for busy moms everywhere. Who has time to pump milk out of swollen and tender breasts every day? Not me! The same goees for Amadine, who brings us this low down on the black-market breast milk industry. In order tin infilltrate the industry for her expose, Ama had to get busy churning some milk herself. In order to give her a competitive edge, we installed her wtih 3 fine flavors as well as a soft-serve ice cream feature. The results paid off, because she came back with this story:

 

 

London cooing over breast milk ice-cream

Updated Sat Feb 26, 2011 9:19am AEDT ABC News

 

Each serving of Baby Gaga at the Icecreamists cafe in trendy Covent Garden costs $22.50. (Flickr: Jokull Solberg Audunsson, file photo)

 

Ice-cream made with breast milk has proved a big hit in a London restaurant, with the first batch sold out within days of going on sale, its makers have said.

 

The ice-cream, called Baby Gaga, is made with milk expressed by 15 women who replied to an advertisement posted on an online mothers' forum.

 

Each serving of Baby Gaga at the Icecreamists cafe in trendy Covent Garden costs $22.50.

 

One of the milk donors, Victoria Hiley, 35, said that if adults realised how tasty breast milk was then more new mothers would feel happier about breastfeeding.

 

She expressed the milk at the cafe and it was pasteurised before lemon zest and vanilla pods were added during the churning process.

 

Ms Hiley, who is paid $23 for every 10 ounces of milk she donates to the company, told the BBC: "What's the harm in using my assets for a bit of extra cash?"

 

Founder of Icecreamists, Matt O'Connor, said he could not understand people being squeamish about the product.

 

"If it's good enough for our children, it's good enough for the rest of us," he said.

 

"Some people will hear about it and go yuck - but actually it's pure organic, free-range and totally natural."

 

A spokeswoman for Icecreamists said that despite the success of Baby Gaga there were currently no plans to market the breast milk ice cream more widely.

 

"This was launched this week and already the ice-cream has sold out," she said.

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks so much for tuning in!!! Join us next time for Naked Weather, also with Aust! Those 3D porn stars have nothing on me!!! :D

 

~ A

[Aust]

News Flash - I've hired some new talent!

 

You all have a new executive news producer/anchor/camera guy/someone get me a coffee. Allow me to introduce Berf Sexington, reporter at large. He has his finger on the throbbing pulse of hot events, and he's going to bring it to you raw and unedited!!!!

 

 

Get ready for the news as only Berf can give it to you!

 

*cue Berf*

[Krakalakachkn]

oh god

[ineedfourberfs]

 

 

 

Be ready for some hot news all over your face!

 

 

 

The rules will be pretty much the same, only cross Aust's name out and put mine in instead. Feel free to send me interesting stuff if you wanna see a write up on it, but any news posting in here that I don't authorize?

 

Well. Let's just say we don't want that to happen.

 

 

 

 

Do we?

 

 

No, we don't.

 

 

First round coming soon! Someone get my hairspray!

[ineedfourberfs]

SHACK HEADLINES, March 31st, 2011.

 

 

Good evening Shayol Ghul, and welcome to SHACK. I’m your host, Berf Sexington, and this is what’s making news.

 

Fallout from the Japanese nuclear meltdown continued to play havoc this week, as the Godzilla forecast hit 93%, the highest in 60 years. The citizens are said to be preparing their defence plan, which mostly consists of stopping in the middle of the road, shouting Godzilla, and looking on in shock and terror as the giant lizard stomps their family. The government has fully backed this plan, releasing this education vid:

 

Clip

 

 

 

Reporter Scott Powers, no relation to Max, has today received an apology from Vice President Joe Biden after being locked in a closet during a White House press event. Scott wasn’t too concerned however, commenting “At least I got to meet Tom Cruise.”

 

Citing increased costs in production, Hershey’s announced a wholesale cost increase of nearly 10% which may affect consumers prior to the Easter season. It’s a bold move by the Grinch, who until now had been solely focused on stealing Christmas.

 

A Bronx zoo that reported a missing cobra earlier in the week has announced it had been found, after luring it out of its hiding spot using woodchips scented with rodent funk. In unrelated news, Paris Hilton’s fragrance line secured a large investment deal today from an anonymous sponsor, with the Hilton line announcing an expansion into “Exciting, and unexpected markets”

 

In a bid to keep Tina Fey working forever Sarah Palin made comments this week, this time about the slur delivered to her by comedian Bill Maher. When defended by the liberal-slanted NOW women’s group, she said “I need NOW’s defence like a fish need’s a bicycle.” So, apparently fish have an urgent need for bicycle’s, now.

 

NASA’s Messenger spacecraft entered the orbit of Mercury this month, with the agency releasing the first black and white pictures from the mission on their website. The mission calls for at least 7,500 photo’s to be taken, in a bid to see just how many similar photographs of Mercury one NASA analyst can view before going postal and shooting up the office.

 

A Florida elementary school student is being lobbied by classmates’ parents to quit the school, due to a life threatening peanut allergy that is allegedly impacting on the learning of the other students. In the public eye then, Peanut Butter is officially more important than human life, a fact already widely known in Mississippi.

 

CNN has reported today that Prince William, Duke of Charming and next in line for the Dapper Crown, won’t be wearing a wedding band after his marriage to long time girlfriend Kate Middleton. CNN also reported that they were officially out of real news, and from now on will only report on celebrity gossip and diet tips.

 

UK teacher Joanne Salley is mortified today after topless pictures of her made their way into students hands at the prestigious private school for boys. The former model broke into tears shortly after being told what else made their may into students hands directly after.

 

Sufferers of Restless Leg Syndrome were told today that ‘whackin’ it’ could relieve some of the symptoms of the affliction, widely described as torturous by those who have it. RLS support group RLSU (Restless Leg Sufferers United) have responded, simply stating “No sh!t, Sherlock.” The methods of research into the cure have not been detailed, however the laundry bill at Groningen University has recently skyrocketed.

 

Mazda has finished a recall and refit of 52,000 of their Mazda 6 cars, after discovering a weakness to spiders intruding the fuel line and tank. As the world’s only official “Spider-Proof” car, the 6 is now back on sale in car yards everywhere. Spotted shopping for cars last weekend? The Green Goblin.

 

And lastly, amateur writer Jacqueline Howett achieved a major breakthrough in advanced theoretical physics this week when she successfully blew something up that was never going to exist anyway, that is, her career.

 

 

 

 

That’s it this week from the SHACK desk, tune in next week for some more feeble attempts at semi-topical humour. Be sure to send any interesting news you receive to the SHACK mailbox (see: my inbox), and come back midweek for my exclusive interview with Jacqueline Howett, author of the The Greek Seaman (Not a porno. I know, right?)

 

Until then,

 

Berf Sexington, signing off.

[Alaksuleiel]

CNN has reported today that Prince William, Duke of Charming and next in line for the Dapper Crown, won’t be wearing a wedding band after his marriage to long time girlfriend Kate Middleton. CNN also reported that they were officially out of real news, and from now on will only report on celebrity gossip and diet tips.

 

We already have Fox News for that.....

[ineedfourberfs]

Berf’s People

 

Jacqueline Howett – A brush with crazy.

 

16/04/2011

 

Jacqueline Howett. Jacqueline Howett. Jacqueline Howett.

 

Jacqueline Howett.

 

However you annunce it, the name Jacqueline Howett has forever been etched in the collective consciousness of approximately everyone who uses the internet for non-porn related activities. Earlier in the month we reported on a spectacular meltdown of the Author/Physicist, when a less than satisfying review pressed the big red crazy button research shows is located on Ms Howett’s forehead. View the implosion HERE.

 

In a nutshell, her homo-erotic fiction novel The Greek Seaman was reviewed by blog/review site BigAl’s books and pals, long considered the go-to site for non-hetero literature, and found to be lacking in basic editing, structuring, and understandability (called Grammar, by nerds and ugly virgins). Ms Howett disagreed, citing the fact that her Englishness was what prevented the obviously luddite reviewer from understanding her beautiful flowing prose, exhibited thusly:

 

"She carried her stocky build carefully back down the stairs."

 

And

 

"Don and Katy watched hypnotically Gino place more coffees out at another table with supreme balance."

 

That, in addition to numerous typos (including the title) and formatting issues bumped an obviously enjoyable story about a gay cruise through the Greek islands down to two stars, which is the appropriate level to initiate Operation Crazypants, and start dishing out the nutbagerry.

 

Before we continue, I implore you to have your Berftionary handy.

 

I pulled up in my Beleibermobile at Ms Howett’s Florida address, not knowing what to expect. The questions I had scrawled on my hand before leaving the office were hopelessly smudged, thanks in part to the Florida heat, and also my nerves. I’ve been to Kosovo. I’ve been to Iraq. Hell I’ve been to Dwyer Middle School in Huntington Beach, CA, but I’d read the review, and the comments. If Howett was willing to end her career over one review, it was clear she had an excess of not giving a sh{edit}. The tiniest slight could set her off. I had to step carefully. Fortunately, seven years of tap and three of jazz meant I had all the tools I needed.

 

BERF: *knocks*

HOWETT: F*** OFF!!

 

This wasn’t going well. I knew only one way to fix this.

 

B: How many I told you's and start overs, and shoulders have you cried on before?

H: …wh-…Who are you?

B: How many promises be honest girl

H: I don’t even know what-

B: How many tears you let hit the floor?

 

At this point I could hear a muffled sobbing coming from the other side of the door. It had worked. No-one could resist my exceptionally crafted emotional invitation. I was under her skin. I was in her head. I was inside her. The door cracked open slightly, a distraught looking Howett looking at me with reverence. It was time to let the love in.

 

After hugging it out for about 3 hours, we made our way to the sitting room, where we could finally start the interview.

 

B: I hope you don’t mind if my friends Usher and Ludacris join us

H: Not at all. I just appreciate the chance to get the record straight.

B: Excellent. So Jacqueline, what happened?

H: They didn’t read the correct copy of my book. Also, Big Al thinks gay fiction should be written by gay men, so from the start, the uphill battle was going to be fought difficultly.

B: The uphill…ok. Um-

USHER: YEAH!

B: WHAT THE F- oh. Usher, right. Ms Howett, I’ve read the correspondence between yourself and Big Al, I don’t detect any latent sexism or anything of the like. He just has a problem with your formatting, the editing, and basic sentence structure.

H: That’s because he doesn’t understand the way I gracefully use English words like graceful poetry. He doesn’t get it.

B: You would describe your work as poetry?

H: I wou-

LUDACRIS: LIKE THE CURVES ON SHANNON DOHERTY, WHAT?!

H: Are they going to keep doing that? Because that is really annoying.

B: Their purpose will become clear later. As you were saying?

H: …well yes, I try to make each sentence crafted like a beautiful prose, so it flows like clockwork. Each word is wrote with the utmost care and precision.

B: Have you ever heard of Engrish?

H: Engrish?

B: Nevermind. How do you explain all the typos? I’m sure the readers can forgive a few slips of the editor, but to have the very title incorrect, surely someone has to get fired for that?

H: There’s no mistake in the title.

B: -

U: YEAH!?

B: The Greek Seaman?

H: Correct.

B: … you don’t see the error there?

H: I have no idea about what you’re talking about.

B: The Greek… OH Sea Man.

L: Sea man like a demon, yo!

H: As in, a man of sea. I had that all wrong

H: …

B: I understand there is an emergency copy that was somehow involved?

H: Yes, when I realised that the wrong copy had been sent, we sent out the emergency copy. Big Al refused to read it.

B: I struggle with the concept of Emergency Copy.

H: It’s a writer thing. It’s a version of your work that has all the editing done, so when you send your manuscript and its errors are a whole lot, you send the emergency copy.

B: So it’s an edited version?

L: She be purrin’ like a Persian!

U: On my leather lounge, let’s sink to intimate diversion!

H: It’s a version that has no errors. If he had read that-

B: Hold on a minute. If there’s a version that doesn’t contain any errors, why not…send…that…

 

My journalistic instincts had got me in trouble. I sensed the truth buried somewhere in Ms Howett’s story, and whilst digging, I had hit a live wire.

 

A live wire of electricity. And bat shedit insanity.

 

H: I have released over hundreds and thousands of books, don’t you tell me how to do my job!

B: Do you mean sold? Because I must admit I find that hard to beleibe.

H: Every book I have written is five stars! Amazon calls me! He tells me he wants more books so people can give them five stars!

B: I don’t think that’s how Amazon works…Wait do you think Amazon is a person?

H: HE TALKS TO ME! HE TELLS ME HE WANTS TO GIVE ME MILLIONS!

B: Jackpot.

U: Crackpot!

L: Drop it like it’s hot, drop it like it’s hot…

B: Ms Howett, I think perhaps you need professional help…

H: F*** OFF!

 

We were back to this. I had a feeling the day wasn’t going to go well. Just as Ms Howett’s eyes tried to pop out of her skull, me and my crew bounced, running for the Beleibermobile. Somehow, possibly using black voodoo magic, she beat us to the door.

 

There was only one way out of this.

 

B: Baby, Baby, Baby, ohhh…

H: FIVE STARS…other interviews on…

B: Baby, Baby, Baby, no…

H: It’s… I’m from Stoke-upon-Thyme, the subtleties…

B: Baby, Baby, Baby, ohhh…

H: I don’t even know why I write gay erotica…I like cats, mostly...

 

The rage was subsiding. The gentle crooning of my falsetto stylings were irresistible as always. As she gazed at my hair, we slipped past, careful not to make any sudden movements again, or to make eye contact. Fortunately, Howett was resting in the cabin of the goodship Insanity, and the unfocused glaze over her eyes was a sign we were safe. We beat it, quick, never to return.*

 

In closing, what we have here is a sad case of someone who should have been locked up years ago, but because they operate under the tag of “artist”, they get away with stunts that would land anyone else in the loony bin or prison. Or both. Loony Prison isn’t as fun as it sounds. As an aside, whilst the quality of art goes unchecked and remains unquantifiable, near anyone can call themselves an artist. I hear Usher and Luda have released a remix album based on the interview we did this day. That was only about 30 minutes work, and they both got paid over 20 Million Gold Plated Ferrari’s.

 

Me? All I got was a fantastic interview and a daytime Emmy. And I had to steal the Emmy.

 

What was my point?

 

Oh yeah. Artists are just people like you and me. They shouldn’t be above the law. It shouldn’t take as long as it did for people like Howett to be discovered as a stark raving bag of nuttery, only one bad review away from growing a ho-beard (hobo beard – spread the word, it’s Summer’s Buzzword) and washing windows on the corner of Santa Monica and Orange. How would Howett grow a beard you ask?

 

I dunno. I’m not a freakin’ biologist. Go ask Nyn or something.

 

 

 

Until next time,

 

Berf Beiber, True Beleiber.

 

 

 

 

*Ok I went back a week later and hit that, but I was drunk and Luda was on my case about this girl Cheryl. I really should have spoken to her, but it’s hard you know? How do you just approach people and tell them there beautiful? It sounds like a line. It sounds sexist. Damn girl is so hot she’s making me sexist…*pays royalties*

[Krakalakachkn]

She's so hot she's like a curry.

[Adella]

Omg *twaps.. SOMETHING!*

[Moon Sedai]

Thanks for the news, Biebs.

 

 

[ineedfourberfs]

*combs hair and sells said comb for four billion dollars*

 

No worries Ahmoonda!

 

As always, any interesting news peices that crop up, drop me a line!

[ineedfourberfs]

Quick update courtesy our of affiliates at the Sunday Business Post

 

 

Now that that's settled, let the healing begin...

 

 

[ineedfourberfs]

SHACK O' NEWS BREAKING NEWS, REPORT

 

Ladies, Gentlemen, Trollocs and Fades of Shayol Ghul, Good evening, I’m Berf Beiber.

 

Sobering, startling news emerged early this week with the revelation from the White House that Goody Knight Barrack Obama has single handedly won the war on terror. Kudos, you midnight stallion, many generations will remember this moment as the time where all the world stood up, and in one voice cried out “Oh. Wow. Really? That’s crazy.”

 

Then everyone went back to bitching about the PS3 Network issues.

 

But as the head scratching and confused looks abate, to be replaced with questions and investigations (Really, no photo’s? Isn’t this what 4chan is for? Indefinite downtime, dude, seriously?) into the after-effects of the event, the Berf news team presses onward. As we know here at Shack news, nothing breeds success like success, or maybe nothing breeds success like a chiselled jaw and stunningly coifed hair, but what we know is irrelevant. It’s what we don’t know that got us into this mess with Osama to begin with. Turns out, that guy was a total douche. If we had of known that say, thirty years ago, let’s just say there’s a whole parallel universe existing somewhere that doesn’t involve me weeping uncontrollably over This Page on Wikipedia.

 

It may never be able to reach Wikipedia’s lofty completion standards. Shed a tear, jerk. (Shack o’ News, now with 20% more insulting call’s to action!)

 

But what does this mean? The War on Terror may be an unquestionably resounding victory for all involved, but that doesn’t mean crime is finished. Not even. It only just walked in the door, hung it's hat on the coaststand (not appropriate usage, Crime. It's a coatstand!) and settled in front of the fire, demanding dinner. With its couple-o’-bucks-a-week budget now freed up, the CIA can concentrate on matters more domestic. The Shack has ruffled the papers on its desk, clicked a few laptop buttons, and scribbled in many margins to compile a list of the most pressing domestic criminal matters, which, amazingly, do not appear on the FBI most wanted list. Negligence? Bribery? Preoccupation with Portal 2? Who knows?

 

Portal 2 is pretty good, mind.

 

Anyway, any information on the whereabouts of the following criminals AND/OR persons of interest (that is to say, criminals) should be forwarded to Shack with all due haste. The security of the nation, nay, World, is at stake.

 

 

1. The Hamburglar

Last seen: 2003

Wanted for: An amazing amount of Hamburger theft. Truly, unprecedented.

 

His title speaks for itself. A desperate addict, he longs for the beefy taste of whatever it is they put into McDonalds hamburgers. That he is insane is evident. After all, who the hell eats Hamburgers? Clearly Cheeseburgers are superior in every way. Estimated cost to the nation? $4 Million. Estimated cost to McDonalds? A couple of bucks. It’s more recycled drywall than meat.

 

Threat Level: 3/10

While burger related crime is on the rise across the nation, the only real downside to the Hamburglar's schemes are that he might possibly make people buy replacement Hamburgers, inflating sales figures and keeping this anaemic product on the menu. But let’s face it, if you are desperate enough to scrape together change to buy a Hamburger, maybe you should just go home and think about your life choices for a while. Cheeseburger or GTFO.

 

Shameless

 

2. Swiper the Fox

Last seen: About 20 minutes ago on Nick Jr.

Wanted For: Grand Theft Trinket

 

Swiper the Fox is a career master criminal, with the bizarre predisposition of only stealing from poor immigrant children. Rumoured to reside someone near Blueberry Hill, Swiper’s actions have led law enforcement on crazy journeys through time, space, and this one time over the Troll Bridge.

 

It is unclear the economic effect of Swiper the Fox’s actions. On the one hand, he is a thief without parallel, capable of swiping near anything with ease. His downside seems to be that he only need be asked for the items to be returned for him to do so. The whole routine seems to be some sort of failed insurance scam, probably due to the fact that 7 year old girls generally don’t have extensive Content’s Coverage for their bracelets.

 

Ooohhhhh maaaann!

 

Threat Level: 7/10

As mentioned above, a master of his dark art, worthy of a 10. The score has been reduced one point for the amount of times one must utter “Swiper, No swiping!” to stop him, however.

 

3. Ben Harper and the Innocent Criminals

Last Seen: Late 90’s? When was this guy around again?

Wanted for: Heading up a global kissing racquet.

 

Ben Harper, failed ladies man turned con artist extraordinaire. Appearing sometime after Jeff Buckley but before Coldplay, Ben and his gang the “Innocent Criminals” set about terrorising simple country-dress wearing ladies with wanton acts of sex-gression. Not quite sexual assault, but slightly grosser than public transport, Ben stole more first base than Mickey Rourke. Is Mickey Rourke a baseball player? He sounds like a baseball player. Let’s go with that.

 

And come on, Ben, the Innocent Criminals? That’s just showing off. That’s like walking in front of a preschool with a bag of skittles, which, incidentally, is a great way of attracting FBI attention. But back to Mickey Rourke, seriously not a baseball player? I can practically smell the warm beer and boredom. Mind = blown.

 

Threat Level: 40/10

Purely based on the lip count of the gang as a whole. Divide this number by the amount of countries in the world, and there’s a 20% chance there’s an Innocent Criminal Lip IN YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW.

 

RUN!

 

4. Jacqueline Howett

Last Seen: Riding a burning wagon straight to internet hell one month ago.

Wanted for: 48,382,387 counts Murder in the 1st degree

 

Ms Howett was adjudged to have murdered the English language multiple times, her spree starting some time before the internet knew enough to berate her into knowing better. So brazen is Ms Howett, that she actually sells the evidence from her own website in an attempt to make a buck. Sicko.

 

Sources were close to tracking her down roughly 2 months ago; however when authorities arrived at her Florida home, all they found was a mildly-brain-dead housewife within a fort of Mills and Boon romance novels, muttering something about feeding cats and the Dead Sea. Hang on...

Threat Level: Whatever, I’m still confused about Mickey Rourke. He’s a wrestler?

 

Image Unrelated

 

5. Lechoso (AKA – That douche that killed me at Halo)

Last Seen: Yesterday, UNSC Sabre Launch Facility on planet Reach.

Wanted For: Unacceptable dependence on the shotgun

 

Seriously dude, try another weapon for flavour. Heard of a DMR? They’re pretty cool.

 

And stop camping the gravlift landing room. We all know what you’re doing, and none of us approve.

 

Threat Level: 85/10

My TV visibly shook as the rage leapt from my eyes in laser form, and burnt a hole in the wall next to it. If this guy doesn’t ...you know what I’m just going to leave the party.

 

The Face of The Beast

Behold the mirrored visage of rage quitin'

 

6. Colonel Gaddafi

 

Seriously, #&@^ this guy. But only after Lechoso.

 

Especially Lechoso.

[Moon Sedai]

Finally, somebody singled out the REAL terrorists.

Swiper has been plaguing my nightmares for (minutes?)

 

But, seriously, I got my husband $20 for the PSN on a card for his birthday the NIGHT BEFORE the network went down. So, he still hasn't been able to use it.

[Krakalakachkn]

Lechoso

 

 

Does putting that name in itals give it a Spanish flavor? In my mind it does.

[Moon Sedai]

Did you mean italics, Krak?

 

But, yeah, it does.

*stab*

[Krakalakachkn]

 

 

EGADS!

 

 

It appears that BerfBeiber isn't actually New Zealand(ish), but Mexican!

 

This hereto unforeseen photo comes directly from our secret informant in Mexico (who shall not be named! (JD)). This picture is worth possibly 2,000 words and brings up some important questions:

 

"Why is Berf wearing such a disgusting mustache?"

 

"What is the true nationality of Berf and/or why is he pretending to be from New Zealand?"

 

"What does this mean for his "humor"?"

 

"What does this mean for posterity?"

 

"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

 

 

Needless to say, this is a shocking turn of events that clearly will cause many Sgers to question Berf's ulterior motives. Surely many will abandon the "Berf train" and return to the Krak train. I know I will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This article is a product of Krak productions, a news-journalism agency dedicated to promoting itself and only itself since 2007.

[ineedfourberfs]

Challenge: Accepted.

 

 

watch this space

[ed2funy]

*watches*

[LilyElizabeth]

It's not doing anything.

 

*Gets tired of watching and leaves*