Just for Grins

[Moon Sedai]

Sounds like our local Kroger. My friend works at the dairy department, and goes NUTS over the cow/chicken sounds.

 

He says they make him feel guilty.

 

 

[Vambram]

Sounds like our local Kroger. My friend works at the dairy department, and goes NUTS over the cow/chicken sounds.

 

He says they make him feel guilty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Vambram]

Taxi Drivers

Two cab drivers were waiting for fares in front of a downtown hotel.

"Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

[Vambram]

Country Folks in the Army

 

 

 

 

 

Mr. and Mrs. Braithwaite Backus,

Bald Buzzard Ridge

Mountainville, KY

Dear Ma and Pa:

 

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.( but am getting so I like to sleep late. All you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food, but you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

 

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

 

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why, the bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move and it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges they come in boxes.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving son,

Zeb

 

P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.

[Vambram]

http://1funny.com/first/

 

 

 

 

At least he got there first!!!!

[Vambram]

Post Surgery

One of our patients wasn't taking any chances. Prior to her operation, she taped notes to her body for the surgeon: "Take your time," "Don't cut yourself," "No need to rush," "Wash your hands."

After surgery, as I helped the patient back into her bed, we discovered a new note taped to her. It was from the doctor, "Has anyone seen my wristwatch?"

[ineedfourberfs]

An old lady approached me at work the other day, after standing at the ATM for about 5 minutes.

 

She asked "I'm not very good with computers, can you check my balance for me?"

 

I said "sure!" and pushed her over.

 

Turns out her balance is pretty poor.

[Blackhoof]

Three priests, a Church of English one, a Catholic one and a Protestant one gathered together to bond over fishing in the middle of a lake in the spirit of christan unity.

 

A few hours into their trip, the Protestant priest was hungry, so decided to go back to shore for a snack. He got down on his knees, prayed really hard and walked straight across the water to the shore! The other priests acted unimpressed when he returned.

An hour later the Church of England priest ran out of bait, and needed to go back to shore to get more. He got down on his knees, prayed really hard and walked straight across the water to the shore! The last priest was rather embarrassed at this stage, so when the Church of England priest got back, the Catholic priest made up some trivial reason to go bac to shore. He got down on his knees, prayed really hard, stepped onto the lake and sank like a stone.

 

Watching the gasping proest resurface, the Protestant priest said the the other priest "perhaps, in the interest of christian unity, we should have informed him where the stepping stones are."

[Guest Czechs In The M'Hael]

Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r

 

Why do men want to marry virgins? Because they cant stand criticism.

 

Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

 

Why could Draculas wife never sleep? ... because of his coffin...

[Moghedian]

Why did the woman cross the road?

--- WAIT! Better question; why is she out of the kitchen?

 

Ah, sexist jokes, you gotta love 'em...

[Vambram]

[Vambram]

[Vambram]

Alligator Shoes

A blonde was on vacation in the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

 

The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

 

Just then, he spots a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, fires, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

 

As the shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement, the blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Rats! This one's barefoot too!"

[Vambram]

How to give a cat a pill.

 

1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left Arm and repeat process.

 

3. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

4. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws, ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

5. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

6. Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

 

7. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take away the taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from the carpet with soap and water.

 

8. Tie the little angel’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of the dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash down pill.

 

9. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A&E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.

 

10. Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see whether they have any hamsters.

[Vambram]

Things You'll Never Hear a Mother Say

 

- "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back"?

- "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

- "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery."

- "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

- "I don't have a tissue with me, just use your sleeve."

- "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."

[Vambram]

Mr. Mom

 

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but he often turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

 

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"

 

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I hopped out of the shower to answer it and heard my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh, what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

 

 

 

 

Just Friends

 

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. Friday afternoon, he called and said he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So, I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?"

 

I said, "Hey, buddy, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

 

 

[Kathleen]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

 

"Of course child, what may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to

declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said,"Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Vambram]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

 

"Of course child, what may I do for you?"

 

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me, under your robes perhaps?"

 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

 

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

 

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to

declare from your waist to the floor?"

 

"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said,"Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

roflmao!!!

 

That is one of the best jokes I've seen on this thread. I'm gonna tell that one to my real life friends and family.

[Kathleen]

*bows* Thank you. Thank you. *bows again*

[Vambram]

The Universal Laws of Computing

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

[Vambram]

Only in America

 

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".

Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

[Vambram]

Top Ten Winners of International Pun Contest

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest

level of language development. Here are the 10 winners in the International

Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed

per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your

kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other

says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root

canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in

the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an

hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But

why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand

chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up

for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later,

Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the

picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of

Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've

seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened

up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers

from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was

unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He

went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival

florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to

"persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their

store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did

so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,

which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad

breath. This made him (Oh, dude, this is so bad, it's good ...) a super

calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to

friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[ed2funy]

The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest

level of language development.

*laughs at Adella*

She's hates language development.

[Kathleen]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

 

 

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

 

 

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

 

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

 

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS.."

 

 

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

 

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

 

"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

 

 

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

[ed2funy]

bahahaha!