Just for Grins

[ineedfourberfs]

The line "it's not so funny" doesn't make sense. You truncated the joke.

 

After Timmy sees his parents doin' the nasty, his dad is supposed to laugh out loud at his horror. His mom is supposed to berate his dad. Then LATER, his dad incidentally walks past his son's room and sees the horrific deed. That's why Timmy says, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it!?"

 

Thanks Magnetic Zero.

 

I really struggle with telling jokes, so it's nice to know you've got my back. I'm wondering if you offer the same communication corrective services in real life? When I tell my wife I love her, I often mess up and end up throwing her down the stairs, so it would be nice if you could point out exactly where I went wrong. And at work the other day? I liked someone's shoes, so I go to lick thier feet in appreciation of her tasty fashion choices, and now I have a lawsuit on my hands.

 

I mean life is so tough, right?! When did this get so complicated?

 

WHEN DID I BECOME SUCH A SHADOW OF A MAN THAT I CAN'T EVEN TELL A JOKE RIGHT!?

 

 

WHHHYYYYY GOD, WWWWHWHYYYYYYY!!!?!??

[Magnetic Zero]

WHEN DID I BECOME SUCH A SHADOW OF A MAN THAT I CAN'T EVEN TELL A JOKE RIGHT!?

 

Better question is "When did I become a man?"

[ineedfourberfs]

WHEN DID I BECOME SUCH A SHADOW OF A MAN THAT I CAN'T EVEN TELL A JOKE RIGHT!?

 

Better question is "When did I become a man?"

 

 

Right around the same time that your mum's face...was fat...

 

OK I'll concede I got zinged and have no return. Well played.

[Vambram]

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 

Don't change horses...

until they stop running.

 

 

Strike while the..

bug is close.

 

 

It's always darkest before...

Daylight Saving Time.

 

 

Never underestimate the power of...

termites.

 

 

You can lead a horse to water but...

How?

 

 

Don't bite the hand that...

Looks dirty.

 

 

No news is...

impossible

 

 

A miss is as good as a...

Mr.

 

 

You can't teach an old dog new...

Math

 

 

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...

stink in the morning.

 

 

Love all, trust...

Me.

 

 

The pen is mightier than the...

pigs..

 

 

An idle mind is...

the best way to relax.

 

 

Where there's smoke there's...

pollution.

 

 

Happy the bride who...

gets all the presents.

 

 

A penny saved is...

not much.

 

 

Two's company, three's...

the Musketeers.

 

 

Don't put off till tomorrow what...

you put on to go to bed.

 

 

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...

You have to blow your nose.

 

 

There are none so blind as...

Stevie Wonder.

 

 

Children should be seen and not...

spanked or grounded.

 

 

If at first you don't succeed...

get new batteries..

 

 

You get out of something only what you...

See in the picture on the box

 

 

When the blind lead the blind...

get out of the way.

 

 

A bird in the hand...

is going to poop on you.

 

 

Better late than...

Pregnant

[Vambram]

How to Have a Great Weekend

 

 

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

 

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’

 

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

 

See…….Not All Seniors Are Senile

 

 

[Vambram]

I was trying to restart an intravenous line in a male patient while his wife sat next to the hospital bed, watching my every move. I had made several attempts to insert a 22-gauge catheter and had used up all I had in my IV tray.

 

Another nurse passed by the doorway and I yelled, "Lisa, can you bring me a 22?"

 

The patient's wife's eyes opened wide and she said, "You've done it now Bobby. She's going to shoot you!"

[ed2funy]

I was trying to restart an intravenous line in a male patient while his wife sat next to the hospital bed, watching my every move. I had made several attempts to insert a 22-gauge catheter and had used up all I had in my IV tray.

 

Another nurse passed by the doorway and I yelled, "Lisa, can you bring me a 22?"

 

The patient's wife's eyes opened wide and she said, "You've done it now Bobby. She's going to shoot you!"

 

hahahaha

[Vambram]

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity

At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

 

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

 

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

 

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 

Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

 

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.)

 

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in Stall #3."

 

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

 

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

 

Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.

 

Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

 

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

 

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

 

Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

 

Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

[Vambram]

It's so cold ...

 

cops are taking turns tasering each other.

 

only guys with names like "Al" and "Ed" have time to write their names in the snow.

 

we had to chisel the dog off a lamp-post

 

the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

 

your shadow freezes to the sidewalk

 

the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

 

Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick.

 

I chipped a tooth on my soup.

 

down at the morgue, you can't tell the workers from the clients.

 

we have to kick a hole in the air just to get outside.

 

mice are playing hockey in the toilet.

 

our aquarium doesn't need any glass. But, the fish are motionless.

 

[Vambram]

Automobile Tool Definitions

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

Mechanic's Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 

Electric Hand Drill:

Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

 

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

Vise-Grips:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

Oxyacetelene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there? ) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

 

Zippo Lighter:

See oxyacetelene torch.

 

Whitworth Sockets:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

 

Wire Wheel:

Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4:

Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

Tweezers:

A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

Phone:

Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

Snap-On Gasket Scraper:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

Timing Light:

A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

Battery Electrolyte Tester:

A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

Aviation Metal Snips:

See Hacksaw.

 

Trouble Light:

The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

Air Compressor:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

 

 

[Kathleen]

A Little Johnny Joke:

 

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"

[Vambram]

A Little Johnny Joke:

 

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

 

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

 

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

 

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

 

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh**?"

 

ROFLMAO!!!

[Vambram]

Lipstick in school

 

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

 

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

 

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

 

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

 

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 

There are teachers .......... and then there are educators.

[Vambram]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.?

Well, you'll love this one....

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. ...I noticed his diploma, which had his full name.

 

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school.

 

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.

 

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

 

He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?'

 

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

 

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked,

 

'What did you teach?'

[Kathleen]

Nice one Vam!

 

Here are some new golf terms to use next time your out on the course. (and just incase, there is no offence intended for any of these)

 

A 'Rock Hudson'

- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

 

A 'Saddam Hussein'

- from one bunker into another.

 

A 'Yasser Arafat'

- butt ugly and in the sand.

 

A 'John Kennedy Jr.'

- didn't quite make it over the water.

 

A 'Rodney King'

- over-clubbed.

 

An 'O.J.'

- got away with one.

 

A 'Princess Grace'

- should have used a driver.

 

A 'Princess Di'

- shouldn't have used the driver.

 

A 'Condom'

- safe, but didn't feel very good.

 

A 'Brazilian'

- shaved the hole.

 

A 'Rush Limbaugh'

- a little to the right.

 

A 'Nancy Pelosi'

- Way to the left and out of bounds.

 

A 'James Joyce'

- a putt that's impossible to read.

 

A 'Ted Kennedy'

- goes in the water and jumps out.

 

A 'Pee Wee Herman'

- too much wrist.

 

A 'Sonny Bono'

- straight into the trees.

 

A 'Paris Hilton'

- a very expensive hole.

 

A 'Tiger Woods'

- wrong hole

[Magnetic Zero]

Wow, this thread needs to change its name to

 

FWD: RE: RE: RE: FWD: fwd: fwd: re: RE: re: fwd: FWD: you have to read this!!!1! it's hilarious!!!

 

Sponsored by every mother on the Internet.

[Vambram]

Nice one Vam!

 

Here are some new golf terms to use next time your out on the course. (and just incase, there is no offence intended for any of these)

 

A 'Rock Hudson'

- a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

 

A 'Saddam Hussein'

- from one bunker into another.

 

A 'Yasser Arafat'

- butt ugly and in the sand.

 

A 'John Kennedy Jr.'

- didn't quite make it over the water.

 

A 'Rodney King'

- over-clubbed.

 

An 'O.J.'

- got away with one.

 

A 'Princess Grace'

- should have used a driver.

 

A 'Princess Di'

- shouldn't have used the driver.

 

A 'Condom'

- safe, but didn't feel very good.

 

A 'Brazilian'

- shaved the hole.

 

A 'Rush Limbaugh'

- a little to the right.

 

A 'Nancy Pelosi'

- Way to the left and out of bounds.

 

A 'James Joyce'

- a putt that's impossible to read.

 

A 'Ted Kennedy'

- goes in the water and jumps out.

 

A 'Pee Wee Herman'

- too much wrist.

 

A 'Sonny Bono'

- straight into the trees.

 

A 'Paris Hilton'

- a very expensive hole.

 

A 'Tiger Woods'

- wrong hole

 

 

LOL, I love those and I'm gonna try them out with some friends of mine who are into golf. ROFLMAO :biggrin:

[Vambram]

Maine

 

Jeff Foxworthy on Maine:

 

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Maine.

 

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Moosehead Lake is the coldest spot in the nation,you might live in Maine.

 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Maine.

 

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Maine .

 

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Maine .

 

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Maine.

 

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Maine .

 

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Maine .

 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Maine.

 

 

You know you are a true Mainer when:

1. "Vacation" means going South past Augusta for the weekend.

 

2. You measure distance in hours.

 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

 

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.

 

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

 

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

 

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

 

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend / wife knows how to use them.

 

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

 

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

 

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

 

12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

 

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

 

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

 

15. Down South to you means Augusta.

 

16. A brat is something you eat.

 

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new shed.

 

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

 

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

 

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

 

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

 

22. You actually understand these jokes, and you tell them to all your Maine friends.

[Naeann]

Idiot Sightings

 

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00

I said "May I have large bills, please"

She looked at me and said "I'm sorry ma'am, all the bills are the same size."

 

When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up my

car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service

department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver

side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the

door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.. 'Hey,' I announced to the

technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'

 

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not

have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said

that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He

shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded

that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.

 

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave

the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you

can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager,

who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the

quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk

then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

 

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

 

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

[Kathleen]

Wanna hear a dirty joke? Timmy is playing in mud.

 

Wanna hear a clean one? Timmy is having a bath with bubbles.

 

Wanna hear another dirty one? Bubbles is the girl next door.

[Vambram]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

 

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

 

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

 

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Vambram]

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

 

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"

 

[Blackhoof]

A rather large minister was doing a tour of local parishes, so that he could gain some perspective on his own life.

 

At one of these parishes, he was introduced by the pastor to the congregation and he mounted the pulpit to give his speech. After a rather long-winded speech, he cried out "I shall come and dwell amongst you!" and slammed his palms down on the pedestal. He did this several times, and on the last, the whole structutre collapsed, nearly crushing the first row of pews.

 

Thankfully no-one was hurt, but as the fallen minister rose, the pastor said, "i must say, minister, you gave us fair warning."

[Moon Sedai]

When I first moved to Texas, I moved from Florida.

 

My car had an Florida State University Seminole tag.

Because I'd bought the car in texas a few years previous to moving to Florida, I'd left the Texas inspection/registration sticker in the window. Because I am too lazy to remove them.

The tag had the word "Florida" on it at least 4 times.

 

I got pulled over by a country cop one day because he didn't recognize the plates on my car as legitimate.

He had no idea what State it was from.

 

Then he tried to ticket me for out-of-date inspection (Florida does not do emissions inspections) and Out-of-state Texas tags.

Duh, Registered in Fl, don't need that information.

 

 

 

 

 

[Vambram]

ROFLMAO with Blackhoof's and Ahmoondah Sedai's jokes!!! I Like those, they made me chuckle and laugh.