[COL] JD's top ten posts

[Justen Diablos]

Initially I'd planned on putting this as a third section of my Spymaster's report, ya know, in honour of the BT stalking me for the past three weeks.  But since I've only finished the World News section so far and Cads is no longer texting me to keep me arouse...erm, awake, I'll just put this on it's own.  That way you can ignore this bit of self indulgence and save up your JD tolerance for my new stuff (ie. Spymaster's column which I should finish sometime tomorrow night)

 

Top Ten JD Posts

 

10.  JD on Myspace Hookers

 

It's an interesting word is it not?  One thing I did out of loyalty was start a myspace page, because my ex fiance Tina had her brain taken over by aliens and now difficulty communicating in any other way.  She asked that I get a myspace page so that I could talk to her and I have done so.  Initially I planned to stay on the DL with my myspace page, because I have no desire to go there ever and certainly didn't want to become one of those people who hangs out on myspace.  Plus the Tom guy weirds me out, I just want him to leave.

 

Then something happened.  A myspace hooker asked to be my friend.  Nice girl by the name of Annette.  Now you may not know this about ol' JD (I'm not an open book you know.  Well actually I am an open book I just have so many pages most of ya'll haven't read em all yet) but I have a soft spot for hookers.  So I accepted the olive branch extended to me by this hooker and was happy.  Then it happened.  I was assaulted by hookers.  Not bombarded mind you, because that word doesn't apply to this situation.  But every day I would get about 3 hookers who wanted to be my friend and I thought to myself Self, mayhap you should form an army of hookers to be your myspace friends, to truly show your disdain of the whole format.  So I did.  I created an army of roughly a dozen hookers. 

 

Now there are rules to forming your own hooker army.  First rule, let the hookers come to you.  Allisha wondered why if I wanted a massive amount of hooker friends I didn't just seek them out.  Naive, that one.  The reason is of course you don't seek out hookers, they find you.  It's part of their job, and doing else upsets the natural balance of things.  So I had to wait for them to come to me.  Now like I said, I had this growing hooker army when one day I go check my myspace page and BAM! like that, they were all gone.  All my hooker friends had deserted me in an instant.  I felt violated, used.  I mean, they're hookers, who I'm told get some sort boon for becoming a person's friend.  Why would they use me like that?  Hookers are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, it's against their nature to hurt people.  Or so I thought.  There was one bright spot though.  Annette had stayed.  So through it all, one was loyal, and she was my first. 

 

I have since began again my ingathering of hookers, and yes, perhaps soon I will start my own hooker army and take over the world.  Pride of place will always go to Annette though, because she and she alone survived the great hooker dessertion of 08'.  Loyalty, it's more valuable than all the gold in Denmark.

 

JD,

CoL

 

Incidentally I now have about 20 hooker friends,  I do have standards for gathering them, as I don't accept hookers who don't have pics of themselves.  As some just try to get you to accept them, then go to their site and pay for pics.  Which I just won't do.  I also added Daniel Tosh as my friend, because he's literally the funniest man in the world.

 

 

 

 

 

9.  The thread in which I proclaimed my return to DM entitled 'All Hail the King' here on the CoL Board.  It was a story for Emp.  And yes, that was an actual portrayal of my day back in February.

 

 

A story huh? This I can do, but only for Empy.

 

So I needed gum this morning, because I salivate excessivly and chew a lot of gum.  Now I don't necessarily know that I do in fact salivate more than the average person, because I don't know how to quantify a thing like that. Nor have I ever seen any studies on the subject in the local paper or various porn sites I get my news from. So I'm just putting a guess out there based on how much gum I chew compared to my friends and co-workers. I chew more by the way, in case you hadn't picked up what I'm putting down. So I purchased the gum and was on my way.

 

I don't know why I felt the need to explain to you my over-salivation(note the hyphenation, that's just how the kid does) because I've never lied to you. Probably. Unless you know me from before Because then I have lied to you, multiple times. But never in a hurtful way, I only lie for the humor of it. And I choose to call it exageration(Didn't spell that right, don't care(actually I do care as you can probably tell because I felt the need to point out my own shortcomings before you could)) because it's not really a lie if it's not done in spite. Here's the deal: real life isn't that funny, herego sometimes man must make things up that are funny. Of course sometimes life really is funny. Just like in the case of this story. Completely true.

 

The next stop on my mystical morning journey was the courthouse to see my parole officer. Of course when I say courthouse I really meant brothel, and by parole officer I mean Ginger, the one legged prostitute. I didn't want to say it outright because I didn't want you to think I was a bad person. I mean who goes to a whorehouse in the morning? That's just dirty.

 

After 8pm....

 

Okay.

 

So I know what some of you are thinking. "He just lied to me for the first time." You know what I have to say to you people? stop taking my posts so seriously and start taking penicilen, because I know your girlfriend. And you know why I can't spell that drug? because I've never used it, even though I definately need to.

 

So I know what some of the other people who aren't thinking I'm a liar are thinking. "Man this guy's really concerned about his spelling." And I am, I hate to be ignorant even though I secretly am.

 

You know what the rest of you are thinking?

 

Where's the beef?

 

Exactly, and you people all need to get out of the 80's. Dave Thomas is dead now and they don't even have Wendy in their commercials, they have some weird guy in a red ponytail which I don't appreciate. Not just for me, but for Wendy. I bet she's at home right now thinking 'Oh how flattering, they're mocking me with an ugly ginger dude in a wig. I feel so flattered. Why don't they just go urinate on my father's grave?'

 

Anyway after the courthouse experience *ahem* I rolled on over to work where I spent 10 hours of my life I'll never get back. Basically I just drifted through it though, because I hadn't slept in two days. My girlfriend was tweaking, and apparantly if she doesn't sleep I don't sleep.

 

Alright so I don't have a girlfriend, because I'm a bad person.

 

There's no joke there.

 

Except I'm lying again to protect my drug using girlfriend, she's had a lot happen in her life so stop judging her drug abuse okay. Besides she's smoking hot and I'm a loser.

 

Okay I'm not a loser, I'm actually moderately attractive and incredibly charming. But you know what I'm saying.

 

So I get home and I take a nap, because I really hadn't slept for 2 days. I get about an hour of sleep when my girl texts me, because she's only 20 and people that young apparantly still text. Even though they're holding a phone and they could just call someone they needed to talk to like an adult. I have an IQ of 180 and I'm tired of feeling like a retard because some dimwit girl with a boob job can send 8 text messages to my one. Don't appreciate it. But I digress.

 

I'm about an hour into my nap when I get a text message asking what I'm doing. I was sleeping. Not now. So I watch Terminator 2, because my roomate loves the movie, and I've never seen it. Apparantly I'll love it.

 

Now I'm 29 years old, I have a pretty good handle on what I do and do not like. If I've avoided T2 this long I probably realize without seeing it that I'll hate the movie. But he complained about having to watch Lords of Dogtown one night and this was somehow his retribution. Anyway long story slightly less long T2 sucks.  I mean maybe you like it, I just don't. It's a matter of taste and you not having any.

 

So after that I rolled onto DM and my old friend Empy asks for a story. Which brings us here.

 

Hope that works for you my friend. Nice job on nominating yourself for every single one of your own Empy awards by the way. Glad to see your vanity's still intact you pretty bastich.

 

Love,

JD

 

PS. JD is also a lie, my initials in real life are actually GE. Not because I bring good things to light, but because my Mom named me Gerry, and her last name started with an E. duh. And who uses duh? I just clowned all you Wendy's lovers for living in the 80's and here I apparantly still do. Or was duh a 90's thing? I forget. I'm old.

 

JD,

CoL

Secretly thinks Empy is the man and admires him for..... well something I'm sure.

 

8.  A continuation of my life's tales, including the afformentioned drug using girlfriend Allisha and my cat PJ.

 

*whaps Empy* I said Nacadoches TX.  Like I said that's not spelled right, because there's a q in that word that shouldn't be there.  Like near the end.  And I believe it's in eastern Texas.  And yes, I'm definately going there now, and I will leave Monday.

 

Oh, and I have more story.

 

So Allisha is working right now, and because she's currently defaulting on a car loan she requests that I drive her there, keep her car at my place overnight and then pick her up in the morning.  Whatever, doesn't bother me at all.  I'm way down. 

 

My initial plan for Texas was to take a bus down, because I was going to leave my car here for my roomate to use.  He's a wicked cool guy who I actually I fine with having this car I bought.  Besides being a vagabond I technically have cars stashed in five different places in the continental US.  I even still have a car out east I left near AC.  It's with my Mother and sister in Baltimore.  Well now since girl wants to head out to Texas with me I guess we're taking her car.  One thing I wanted to do before I head out is visit my ex fiance Tina in Iowa, because she's the one true love of my life and someday I will marry her.  We broke up for various reasons that I won't talk about now, because I like to insert random jokes into my stories, and talking about her would make me a depressing read.  Don't want that now do I?

 

So anyway I was planning on visiting Tina.  On the way driving Allisha to work she busts out that she doesn't want to have to drive an hour out of her way to visit Tina on the way down to Texas.  And being as it's her car that's the way it's going to be.  Now I'm an adult, and I handle things like this like an adult.  So I responded in the most adult way possible.  I said I'd take a bus down to Texas, and frankly she could take her car and do whatever she wanted with it, because I was walking home.  She screamed at me and told me I wasn't getting out of the car and walking home. 

 

So I'm walking home right, and I live in SD.  Even though it's warmed up it's still a little cold in SD.  And her job is about three miles from where I live, I did manage to walk all three miles without getting a text from her.  Finally I'm about a block from home, walking by the grocery store and wondering if I need to pick up milk.  My roomate always has milk but he drinks D, whereas I drink Skim.  For all you non-milk drinkers out there...

there's a difference, trust me.  Skim is basically water with calcium in it, and whole milk is essentially the crack of milks.  So I'm pondering my milk dilema, and also thinking about buying some mozzarella sticks for the deep fat fryer when I get a text. 

 

'I packed up everything including PJ, hope it was worth it.'

 

Now PJ is my cat, and this message left me slightly quizzical.

 

literally two seconds later, and perhaps someone can inform me what type of girl magic goes in to sending such rapid fire text messages.

 

'If u change ur mind about me u need to come pick up my car. pjs upset. love ya gerry.'

 

Now i was still halfway through my text message to her when I get this second one. Meaning I had the wh written out. (I was planning on responding 'what?'. So I guess you could say I was 2/5ths of the way done, if you count the question mark, which I do.  In fact I insist upon writing out every word and using punctuation at the end of every sentance, just because words like u, and ur bother me. anywhoo, back to the story outside the parenthesis)

 

Alright, forget the milk, I better go home.  Sure enough I get home and my roomate's sitting there watching a movie.  "what'd you do to her anyway?"  And yes, I did ignore this question because I had one of my own, which I considered more important at the moment.  "Did she take my cat?"  Because PJ is my cat.  Here's the conversation I had with my roomate on this, him grinning like an idiot the whole time.  For writing brevity I'll simply use my initial G for my side of the conversation and for him I'll use That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:

 

That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:  yeah, she did.

 

G:  Okay, so why?

 

That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:  *shrugs* I don't know really?

 

G:  Well where'd she say she was going? Because I got this message saying I should come get the car.

 

That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:  She went to work.

 

G:  So she has the cat in the car?  And she's going to leave it there all night?

 

That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:  I guess.

 

G:  And this seemed like a good idea to you at the time?

 

That f'n moron who allowed a crazy woman to steal my cat:  I didn't want to get involved, it's kind of your business.

 

G:  *speachless*

 

So now I'm walking back the three miles to her job (because my roomate still didn't want to get involved. and apparantly that extended to putting pants on so we could drive there and each drive a car back), speachless and slightly pissed.  I get about three blocks away when this super drunk guy walks up to me with a bottle of vodka.  He asked me where I was going and me, and being the super polite guy I am I told him.  Since I was going to a resteraunt up the street he said that he had money, and I could drink his vodka if I let him come with me.  You have no idea how close I came to saying yes, because that would have been funny.  Walking into her job where she expects me to be apologetic and instead just eating dinner with some random drunk guy.  Would have been a classic JD move.  Wasn't in the mood though, plus I don't want to fight with this girl.  I'm a lover, not so much a fighter, and I'd really like to put this whole situation behind me without apologizing, because it's not my fault.  Anyway I told the drunk he couldn't come, and he started crying and telling me how nobody wanted to have him around.  To which I did the only logical thing, cracked up laughing.  Then I realized I was walking around in a crappy part of town with 600 dollars in cash on me, and I stopped laughing and quickly went on my way. 

 

So I get into her resteraunt, she runs up to me, gives me a full bodied hug and apologizes, takes her break, and we go out back to talk.

 

Long story slightly less long we're back in full agreement again, and I have to pick her up from work in a couple hours.  My cat was deeply traumatized by the whole experience, and hasn't left my lap since I got home.  I even took a bath and she sat right on the edge of the tub staring at me the whole time.  No doubt mentally willing that I never leave her alone again.

 

JD,

Women!

 

7.  Justen's Song.

 

 

Tar Valon by mornin'

Emmond's field no longer home,

everything that I got,

Is just what I got on.

 

When that sun is high

in that andoran sky,

I'll be checking out the

whitebridge fair.

 

Tar Valon by morning,

Tar Valon I'll be there.

 

Fought some whitecloaks in Bearlon,

Almost killed in shaidar logoth

Lost my girl and my best friend,

somewhere along the path.

 

I'll be lookin' for dates,

When I jump those gates,

Damn sure hope caemlyn

guards are blind

 

Tar Valon by mornin'

Tar Valon is on my mind.

 

Tar Valon by mornin'

Emmond's field no longer home,

everything that I got,

is just what I got on.

 

I can't channel the power,

I just need a shower,

A false Dragon that

just ain't me.

 

Tar Valon by mornin'

Tar Valon is where I'll be.

 

Tar Valon by mornin'

Tar Valon is where I'll be.

 

JD,

Peanut butter makes no sense as a tagline here.

 

 

6.  Welcoming the New folk

 

I have chosen you at random (read: because you're female) to bless you with a welcome message from the legendary JD. 

 

Welcome.

 

Now I could just leave it at that and all the other newbies would still look upon you with awe and envy.  You would forever be known as the one that JD himself personally said Hello to.  Your brush with greatness would be forever cemented throughout time amongst your peers.  Once they found out who I was anyway.  I'm told that outside of DM (and a fair amount of strip clubs in Eastern Texas) my name is not widely known and respected (drop a fin on a stripper one time and they 'respect the hell out of you' but I digress from this line of parenthetical hyperbole), but here in the land of Dragonmount the Prince of Silly JD is King...erm

 

Prince, I guess.

 

So now that I've introduced myself let me tell you some stuff about Dragonmount.  Outside of the books boards no one talks about the books, ever.  I don't even really care for them so much anymore, sometimes I go back and read the first five and remember how good the story used to be, but other than that I hardly even think about the Wheel of Time.  What I'm really trying to say (And failing surprisingly, as I really am quite the wordsmith if I do say so myself *says so himself*) is that the books are okay, but the orgs primarily have moved to a more communal type feel.  Not to say we're communists (Although some of us are *eyes Paityr for no apparant reason because even though he is a commie he won't read this and the newb has no idea who Paityr is(for informational purposes I was going to type the new chick right there but I decided it might be offensive and I didn't want to go there.  The only reason I really mention it is because I didn't like any of my other options.  Newb just sounds dumb, like I'm a high school football player with a third grade reading level (no offense to high school football players (not that you'd be able to read this anyway))).

 

You still with me new chick (see, that's better.  Sorry if it offends (not really all that sorry))?  Anyway where was I? Oh yes, DM.  Um I think Barm mentioned something about organized games n' stuff but that's lame.  If you ask my opinion (Which you didn't, though you should have just to be politic with the Prince of Silly if for no other reason).  And there are quite a few other things to check out, but since I'm here I'll just go ahead and ask...

 

Would you like to join the Seanchan? 

 

Now this question can have three possible answers.  If you're intellectual quotient is higher than 130 and you enjoy high brow humor mixed in with low brow humor mixed with an actual weighed and measured ton of personal stories and a sprinkle (just a dash really) of boring stuff that really only appeals to the person writing them but the rest of us are too polite (Actually we're not that polite so I don't really understand) to mention (Oh that's right we do mention them, in fact we mercilessly mock and disparage each other (In a loving familial way of course) over the smallest character flaw (of which I have none if I do say so myself (If you guessed *I do say so myself* should be inserted here you're a winner (And smarter than a 5th grader (Btw if that show irritates the piss out of you because having useless knowledge in your head because you just learned it in school the day before doesn't make you smarter than someone with 40 years of life experience who just happened to forget the capitol of South Dakota because it's about as unimportant a detail as there is in life (It's Pierre by the by (Take that little Billy (And yes I am from SD so there)))))) it then the 'Chan (It's what we call our org (Short for Seanchan (And JD Copywrighted))) is for you.

 

You still with me new chick? Yeah? And there's still two more options left.

 

If you happen to be someone who's not cool at all you'll say no, and go off to join some other crappy org (No offense to the other orgs (Though how you could not take offense at that is beyond me because that was offensive and I'm sorry (...wait for it...

 

not sorry))). 

 

That's actually the end of tha reason.  I really couldn't make it any longer than that because there's really only one reason not to join the 'Chan (Being not cool).

 

See now I messed up, because I went and made an arse of myself and you probably won't join for the simple fact that most DMers are immune to peer pressure and you'll feel my making it a cool or not cool statement actually forces you not to join because it'll prove that you don't care what people like me think (Of course I'd do it because I want to people to think I don't care what they think because I care so much what people think of me it's caused a complex that will take years of therapy to rid myself of (So then if you're like me you'll join because you think that I think that if you think I'll think you joined... okay I lost myself...here I am, let me step outside this parenthical for a moment and finish up shall I? *ste)ps*...hmmmmm, one more *steps)again*

 

Ooooh, nice to be out. *waves his arms around*

 

Alright let's finish this.

 

The third response is to not respond to this post and never come to DM again.  Like so many of those that came before you have done which is why I don't welcome new members (They're such a tease with their temporary activity followed by a drop of the earth).  So, enjoy yourself, join whatever org you feel most comfortable in.  And remember that JD can be found inside the Seanchan private boards somewhere.  And occasionally, I'm fun to be around.

 

Welcome to the Circus.

 

JD,

The Wonder Hamster

 

 

5.  Why won't someone just make me an Org Leader already?  I mean who deserves it more than your boy JD? *g*

 

Hey, did someone say they needed a new org leader?

 

Great, great.

 

*rubs hands together gleefully*¹

 

Don't worry, folks, ol' JD will take care of you.

 

The first thing we need to do is rid this place of all the darkfriends inactivity².  Shouldn't be too tough I'd wager.

 

*eyes the assembled masses of Shayol Ghulers Illuminator's*³

 

Ahhhh, you don't think I'm qualified.⁴  I understand, I'm a very behind the scenes kind of guy, so you have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. I admit, my quiet shyness⁵ has made me a very misunderstood soul.

 

Well, I was an org leader once upon a time, of course they did technically delete my org because we didn't have enough participation. But I'd completely abandoned them long before that.⁶

 

hmmmmmmm, that didn't really come out right.

 

How bout this.

 

*tries again*

 

I'm temporary over in the White Tower,⁷ taking charge n' stuff, you should definately stop by and see how well I'm running things over there.⁸  You can see those shining walls of Tar Valon all the way from here.

 

*points towards the tower at the exact moment it implodes in on itself. erased from existance forever*⁹

 

Wow, so that was bad timing eh?

 

Anyway looks like I've got some free time now.¹⁰

 

What?

 

I have to actually be a member of the Org to be it's leader?

 

Hmmmmmmmm

 

I mean there's certain things I will do, and certain things I won't.¹¹

 

I'll have to think about this for a while, just keep the offer on the table for me okay?

 

Thanks.¹²

 

JD,¹³

(Insert Witty Tagline Here}¹⁴

 

 

 

 

 

1.  Rubbing hands in glee has been known to cause spot rashing in labratory rats

2.  First act will be to copy and paste every JD post I've made since march of '08 to this board.

3.  Is it a copout to copy and paste an entire post and call it a resume?  Shouldn't I have at least deleted my inner monologue and come up with something else?

4.  Join the club, it's bigger than the Star Trek fan club and twice as nerdy.

5.  And humility, let's not forget that.

6.  F humility I'm frankly in awe right now of my ability to turn a phrase.  Did you just see those two sentences? That's the sick written flow that made JD a household name right there.

7.  Temporary WT leadership took place in March of '08

8.  I told those girls some fantastic stories, and if I'm not mistaken didn't use my authority on a single one in an effort to get them to sleep with me.¹⁵

9.  They rebuilt that, and everybody was fine.  I don't know why everyone made such a fuss.

10. Free time has now officially lasted six months

11. The ratio of Will/Won't is 32,072,038,521,323 to 4

12. Generally considered polite to answer a 'thanks' with a 'you're welcome' or even 'you're awesome JD'. 'Will you take me and ravish me you polite stallion you?' also works if you're of the feminine pesuasion.

13. The Legendary Justen Diablos

14. Will whore himself out for votes...or just on GP

15. I place no garauntee as to the authenticy of that statement

 

 

4.  An apology for Barm's terminal unfunnyness

 

 

Just pardon my manners for interupting whatever shenanigans are afoot here in the White Tower.

 

Hi! I'm Justen Diablos.  Of the Seanchan Diablos'. 

 

I have an important message from the Seanchan.  The Emperor himself deems this message of top priority and would have delivered it himself but alas he has amazingly well turned calves and we understand that feature tends to distract most of the White Tower Novi'.  Due to that, and because of the importance of this message he has instead designated the kid Diablos as his Voice.  So without further ado an important message from the 'Chan...

 

Barmacrawl is not funny.  We apoligize if some of you have wrongfully come to this conclusion due to our orgs self imposed seclusion from the outside world. 

 

You see we are fully cognizant that Barm is a member of many different orgs due to the fact that DM wrongfully allows so much cross membership but at the end of the day we claim him as our own.  Because of his... special... nature we allow him to travel from org to org spreading his own brand of... I guess you could call it humour to the world.  The thing is our mighty order of Seanchan is quite frankly the greatest ingathering of comic wit ever witnessed in our time, and Barm is but a fragment of what we represent.  A very very very very (very) miniscule fragment.  Imagine our surpise and chagrin when we discovered that other orgs actually found him funny.  Don't get me wrong, we love Barm as only family can but we understand his limitations.  I offer this disclaimer to you all as a form of apology in the hopes that someday the Chan and the WT can be friends.  This message is delivered to you because my (your faithfull friend JD) love for the WT is second only to my love for my beloved CoL.  I just wanted you all to have all the information at your lovely fingers. 

 

With that I take my leave of you and wish you well from all of Seanchan.

 

JD,

The Messenger.

 

*giggles to self*

 

 

3.  JD Meets a Brit Girl

 

That you're just going to have to wait for until near on the end of this post.  but JD some of you are thinking what's stopping me from just skipping to the end and reading it now?  and the answer is simple, because I may not be here when you get back, and you'd miss me by goodness.  I gaurentee it.  Now of course some of you are thinking I've had entirely too much Justen lately, and Barmacral just doesn't do it for me, how come Empy and Hax never post any funny stories anymore?  when did they get so damned lazy?  And those are valid thoughts, but I would appreciate it if... from now one, when you're with me, you devote your attention to me.  Please and Thank you.  Of course there is still that third group of folk who are just thinking... nah I don't feel like coming up with a third one. 

 

Anyway let's rock it out right quick.  I was reading the sticky about the hundred questions thing and realized we need to get rid of some sticky's.  Now since i like the 100 question one because it's new and different it stays.  Gaming sticky's... I mean do we need them? Really?  And while the Mafia sticky is nice maybe we could update it a smidge since it's been about a year.  I'm saying we don't want to end up like the Band of the Red Hand over here.  Sorry (not sorry), to the BotRH if you took offense.  Oh and when we update the Mafia one I want my own title... like um... guy who does...stuff.  Yeah.  There's one other sticky but I can't remember what it is.  So let's can that one too.

 

um, what's next on the agenda?  I know there was something...

 

maybe I'll remember later, now on to the main portion of this post.

 

So I had something absolutely crazy happen to me yesterday.  I mean it was a moment in the life of JD I may not forget (I actually tend not to forget very much *is smart*).  But let's preface it a bit with a little snippet of life I like to call

 

Which Chick Should JD Roll up on next

 

Now keep in mind I might not actually roll up on any of them (is that enough of the roll up by the way?  because it gets tedious typing the italics html plus it's really kind of excessive at this point anyway.  we'll just let it go now).  But here's where I'm at in life.  I ran in to Jasmine today, and she had this button up shirt on and like the middle button was off and she turned sideways and she's...well stacked and I caught a glimpse of skin and for whatever reason (pent up 'damn I'd really like to nail Cads but she's two thousand miles away' frustration) it just got me somewhat turned on.  So now I really want to call her because she's just the proper definition of 'thick' but I had this poker tourney I was already enrolled in and that's money right there so she'll have to wait (at least until tomorrow).  Now the reason this post became about more than her is because I then thought to myself (in italics mind you) why don't I just call Amy because that as my good friend G.W.B. would say is an untapped natural resource.  But there really is the problem with the whole hurricane devistated her house and messed up her life thing and she sort of just needs some time to work through her issues.  So she goes to the backburner. 

 

Now some of you who were thinking something along the lines of how their favorite color is purple are now thinking would you get to the point? seriously. I got stuff to do (exclamation point)  and no I won't guy who has a weird favorite color (sorry, been listening to Daniel Tosh).  The next on the list is this girl named Christe.  Now Christe is wild.  As in really wild, she's...erm...fast...and...um...loose.  And what I was trying to say in between words (somewhere lodged in those little dots) is that she's a huge slut.  And while you all may cast aspersions on someone like that your boy JD has for a long time embraced these saintly women who give it away on an almost nightly basis.  When something like that is in such high demand and most women are rationing it out like they're running a bread line in the Soviet Union it's nice when you can pick up a big block of government cheese whenever you need it.  Sure it's kind of nasty but when you gotta eat...

 

too far with that analogy?  Because I'll be honest I enjoyed it all the way to the end.  You throw a Soviet bread and then a government cheese reference in the same analogy and you're really doing something positive with your life.  Plus I used aspersions and I may not have spelled it right but that's just a word I don't use nearly enough in written form.  And before that I hit you with the (exclamation point) which combines two of my favorite things (parenthesis and not using actual exclamation points) to actually solve a problem I've been having for years (the need to use an occasional exclamation point but the strong desire not to do so) so now you're going to see that device more and more in JD posts plus it all started in a PM to Cads so now we'll always share that together and it's just hitting on all cylinders tonight and I haven't even gotten to the best part of the story yet(exclamation point)

 

So let's go back to Christe shall we?  Okay so when we last left her she was huge slut who goes to school in Nac and never sleeps (she might be on that shit) because she's to busy just flat out getting drunk and partying and letting strange men roll up on her (had to do it) and best of all...

 

She's straight crushing on the kid.  Honestly, if I were her I'd love me too.  Because she's gotten some of the best JD material I've dropped in ages.  I put her in a giggle fit that lasted literally ten minutes, because I was timing it.  That's the kind of work I put in on her, I just haven't managed to get a minute alone with her to hit it otherwise it'd have been done by now (Also I'm noticing an increasing reticence about being a manwhore.  I think it's a good thing, but I just don't know yet).

 

Now I used reticence (don't know how to spell that either but damn it all if I'm not busting out the crazy new diction for this one) so there's that going for this post.  Anyway I think Christe is actually the direction I'm going to jump on this one but there's one more girl I met just yesterday and I've been dying to tell this story and it's the main reason I'm here before you today.

 

I met a brit girl(exclamation point)

 

I was in the Fuddruckers (my love of the ruckers almost deserves an exclamation point as well) and I'm kind of in line with Chevy (pretty boy mexican dude I hang out with) and these girls come up behind us and this blond girl is really cute (I mean just pretty ya'll) so I step out of the way and rock the JD grin and the JD charm and Chevy's just mad handsome and pretty so we've got that going for us as long as he keeps quiet and I offer they go first and flirt a little bit and she responds...

 

With something.  I think it was thank you or some stuff but it was in this wicked British accent and she was mad pretty and your boy JD...

 

Froze(exclamation point)

 

Like a deer in the headlights.  All this time pining and talking about brit girls and maybe it jinxed me or something but I literally had nothing(exclamation point) I had to leave future flirting to Chevy and of course he messed it up for himself as soon as talked and brit girl was looking at me all cute and brit like and I was just tongue tied.  I mean I literally said nothing.  I'm not even sure there were coherent thoughts in my head at right that moment. 

 

Now, I like to charactarize myself as a novice writer.  I think I'm decent enough to be called a novi' anyway, but I have no words to describe this situation.  I said nothing.  The only thing I did get in (near the end of this whole thing) was...

 

"you have a very lovely accent."

 

Really?  Really JD? that's what you're working with?  That's where you're at in life?  After all this build-up that lameness is the best you can come up with?  Seriously(exclamation point) 

 

troubling.  And yes she did smile at that but I'm pretty sure it was the smile you give someone you don't want to be rude to but you're really just humoring them so they leave you alone (not sure exactly but I'll ask Emp and he can probably describe that one for me).  Anyway I can't describe it for you, you just have to picture it.

 

The worst thing was I didn't get over it.  I just sat there eating my three cheese burger and drinking my strawberry maltshake and refusing to allow Chevy to talk me into going over to her table and talking to her.

 

I'm actually ashamed right now.  I'm almost close enough to actually wander the university looking for her so I can correct this dreadful situation but that would be too close to stalkerish.  I mean I'm not Paityr for God's sake.  So I'll just have to hope I run into her again down the road.

 

Now she doesn't technically fit into the catagory of girls I've been describing because presently I have NO shot at her what so ever.  But I needed to tell this story, because it's important.

 

So summing up.

 

(exclamation point) get used to it, though I won't ever use it on this scale again (can't imagine another reason I'd be this animated)

Christe, pretty much the direction I'm headed on this one.  Sorry for the folks who had Amy in the office pool but she'll just have to wait.

Brit Girl (I didn't even get her name)... need to do something on that front

 

that's it I'm done.

 

JD,

Done

 

 

2.  Barmhax

 

aka Haxacrawl.

 

I know what you all are thinking.  Has JD been into Lilli's liquor cabinet again?  And the answer is of course no, because she's mad british and has what she refers to as a liqouer cabinet or some such.  I know they add extra letters into words that don't need them, I just don't know where quite yet.  It's a study I'm doing on the Brits.  Know what else I'm studying?  The phenomenon known only as BarmHax...

 

or Haxacrawl. maybe Barmocist

 

It's got various names dependant on the particular cut of one's jib on any given day.  But I digress.

 

*this is me digressing people, nothing to see here, move along*

 

In light of my inability to distinguish between Barmacrawl and Hax¹  I decided to do a study of the two.  What's the methodology of my study you may ask yourselves?

 

My answer to that is a simple one, and yet complex.  Shut the ____² up and stop asking dumb questions.

 

So I went about my study.  Outwardly the two are incredibly similar.  Both are very thin and pale, almost vampiric in appearance.  I believe that if we could coax them both into a box (perhaps by placing a glass of molsen ice and mountain dew in said box and waiting for them to go after it.)  that I could succesfully bench press them.³ 

 

Since we cannot seperate the two based upon their respective visages I was forced to dig deeper into my study. 

 

The next thing we do when studying folk is look into their background.  When doing so we see another similarity.  Both Hax and Barm are from the mythical land of Canadia.  Little is known about the land of Canadia but we do know that Canadians can actually differ quite a bit from each other.  Now I myself am deeply grounded in humor⁴ so I felt it important to this study that we look deeply into the two's respective senses comedic talent.

 

We know for a fact that Barm has absolutely no sense of humor.  So in this he's actually much like his fellow cannuck Tom Green⁵.  Whereas Hax has a sense of humor, as many canadians have been known to have (ie. Kids in the Hall.⁶)  This is the first actual divergence betwinxt the two, so I made a notation in my study.⁷

 

That dispensed with I continued with my analysis.  I wanted to stick with the whole funny angle because it was a key difference between our two brothers from the north.  So I delved deeper in my study.  Or in other words...

 

I hired a focus group.  Initially I had planned to get both Hax and Barm to participate for my group but both refused.  Barm with a very polite letter, and Hax calling me at 4am and leaving a drunken message upon my cellphone⁸  Needless to say I was doing without my two subjects.  So I was left to my own devices.⁹

 

The only recources I truly had at my disposal were DM posts from the two.  So I had my focus group read a selected two hundred posts from each of my subjects.  Those subjected to Hax's posts tended to be amused by, though somewhat frightened of our beloved Hax.  Those that read Barm's post were left in a catatonic state, and though many of them have regained their foothold on reality 80% were left sterile.  We're not entirely sure if this is temporary or not, we can only hope so.  The odd part is that one out of every 73 people claimed Barm was "The funniest person ever".  Again we're not sure why this might be but it's interesting none-the-less.

 

For the most part though these test results showed nothing we didn't already know.⁷ 

 

So I delved yet deeper.  I then studied their respective posting habits here at DM.  These are my unedited notes from my research.

 

unedited notes.

 

1. Hax has posted just over 1000 times, posts roughly 3 posts per day, and hides his e-mail¹⁰ He is most online between the hours of 8 and 14, peaking his activity in hour 13.  Boards he most frequents are Seanchan and SG.  He can also be found lurking around the CoL board.

2. Barm has posted over 3500 times at DM¹¹, 10 per day, and he chooses to advertise his e-mail to the world.  He generally really gets going from hours 16 to 21. Peaking around 19 o'clock.  The boards he frequents are Fiddlesticks, organized games, and new members. He can also be seen in Seanchan and various other places on a more limited basis.  His reach is indeed very broad.

3.  I love porn.

4.  It's interesting to note the activity levels of the two are during different times, seperated by an hour or so.  Dinner perhaps?  because you see they're never in the same place at the same time. 

5.  I really love porn

6.  Perhaps Barm is Hax, or Hax is Barm.  One of those probably applies.

 

/end unedited notes.

 

Now After this extensive internet study I went to bed.  Mostly to sleep off my intoxication.  When I awoke i read over my notes.  While I still agree that porn does indeed rock.  I'm less sure about the whole BarmHax phenomenon.

 

It is possible that the two are some sort of Jeckel and Hyde combination.  Except instead of one being a genius and one being a monster.  One is simple funny, while the other one....

 

well once I figure out what Barm actually does my research may go further.  Until then fear the Haxacrawl, and make sure you lock your doors at night.¹² Know this though, JD is on the job, and I will continue my research until all there is to know is out in the light.

 

JD,

Scientific Like Since sometime in the fourth grade.

 

Study Notes

 

1. I believe he's also referred to as Haxorcist but these rumors were unconfirmed as of press time

2. F*ck

3. I actually can lift 3 seanchan at once, Barm/Hax/and Lilliandra.  Because Lilli is actually some sort of sprite fairy much akin to tinkerbell. 

4. Or humour for my little sprite friend Lilli

5. Note to self.  Barm may actually be Tom Green.  Study up on that, we certainly haven't seen hide nor canadian hair of him since the whole Drew Barrymore incident. /end note self

6. I personally love the Kids in the Hall.  That was funny.

7. Hax=funny. Barm=Not funny.

8. I'm not F'n Canadian You F'n Twit now quit calling me!

9. My tremendous cunning and wit.

10. hmmmmmmmm

11. That is a lot of sterility

12. At the very least close the blinds when you're looking up porn.

 

 

1.  RP Overlord of DM and master of the emoticon.

 

Hello there Christine.  I'm Justen Diablos, I'm the...

 

erm...

 

RP OVERLORD of DM.

 

um, yeah.

 

It's a title n' stuff.

 

Does this look like the kind of emoticon that would lie to you?  :)

 

I mean look at how sweet and innocent he is.  He's probably just finished lowering prices on DvD's at Wal Mart.  And we all love those cheap DvD's at Wal-Mart don't we?  I mean just today I was thinking to myself... when was the last time I've seen Kevin Costner as Robin Hood?  I don't know if I can sleep tonight without seeing it again.  I'll probably just toss and turn all night wondering what my life has become if I pass up this golden five dollar opportunity.

 

Now I can see if this emoticon were to roll up on you  ::).

 

He just looks shifty, like he's up to something.  I really don't know what made this emoticon cry  :'( but if I were the Sherlock Holmes of emoticons I'd probably start there, unfortunatly the only detective the emoticon's have is this one  ???, and he seems pretty lost.  This guy's  :-\ still wondering who peed on his mother's favorite hat (though if you ask me inside these here parenthesis it was probably that guy over there)  >:( (Is he looking in here?  He's scary and I'm all afeared)

 

Anyway welcome back to DM, like I said I'm the... *scrolls up* RP OVERLORD  and I do indeed know that sounds impressive  :o, that emoticon's never been the same since they told him, of course it could also be because this one over here  :-* keeps sexually harassing him.    :-X That guy there knows, but he's not telling.  The only other witnesses were these three...

 

;D :D :P

 

But I'm pretty sure they're all drunk.

 

So welcome back, this guy hasn't been the same since you left.  :(

 

JD,

;)

 

 

 

Yes this is really just a continuation of my overinflated ego of late, and unfortunately the list has to lack my stories (which I enjoy the most), my PMs to Cads (which are actually great in number and fairly amusing on occasion), and a lot of my stories on the 'Chan private boards (which while sometimes humorous are just too damn long for normal consumption).  Hence, the list of ten above. 

 

JD,

Running Re-runs instead of new stuff since October of '08

 

[Haxorsist]

Wow, what a humourfilled display of power. I hadn't read all of these, or maybe I just forgot (though I doubt it). I wonder if there's possible to subsribe to JD posts...

Barm and I are honoured to be the subject of your 2nd best post. We are thinking that maybe Hax (that's me, but you know that) should start talking for both of us. We haven't decided yet, but will reach a decision shortly.

[Barmacral]

Wow, what a humourfilled display of power. I hadn't read all of these, or maybe I just forgot (though I doubt it). I wonder if there's possible to subsribe to JD posts...

Hax and I are honoured to be the subject of your 2nd best post. We are thinking that maybe Barm (that's me, but you know that) should start talking for both of us. We haven't decided yet, but will reach a decision shortly.

[Emperor]

Oh shit.... Barm made me actually laugh out loud. 

 

 

[Cadsuane]

My face is turning red from laughing (or trying not to laugh, since I'm in class (it hasn't started just yet, but it's about to, and I have a midterm)). But that was definitely the funniest thing I have ever seen Barm post. Ever. Barm is my hero of the day.

 

-kt

Really and truly laughing out loud.  ;D

[Cadsuane]

EDIT: That midterm was a one page piece of crap that took me five minutes to finish. Makes me wish I hadn't bothered studying at all.

 

Yep, that's right folks, I received the midterm, completed it, and turned it in in the time between the previous post and this one. Booyah.

[Dunbar]

That, along with the rest of this thread, is pretty impressive?

[Paityr]

What I find most humorous is that Hax is now standing there looking like a hoser cuz Barm stole all his funny.

 

;D

[Justen Diablos]

I love Barm, but this is Hax we're talking about.  He's still got funny.  Hax's guide to german girls and his uncensored opinions on fat chicks, not to mention his various works of comedic genius on display throughout the site put Hax in a class all his own.  It's slightly below mine of course, but still all his own. *g*

 

JD,

Contemplating a top ten series that showcases the funniest of DM.

 

Let's see.

 

I got me.  ;D

Hax would be two

Kat third,

um... Cads has to be somewhere, maybe before Kat so she's the first girl on my list.  You know chicks, they get jealous n' stuff. ;)

I can't decide on Emp or Barm next, Emp had it by a longshot but then he got old and boring.  :P

Who else makes me laugh, cuz that's all I really care about.  Although Barm doesn't make me laugh, but I understand his humour.  erm... maybe that one dude from the BT and SG. He's funny.

Tenshin's witty, maybe not top ten witty.

 

Paityr cracks me up...

 

hmmmm, problem is no one really has stand alone posts anymore, I'd almost need to post the whole thread so the funny could be in context.

 

hmmmmm, I'll ponder this.

 

Just thinking aloud people.  Nothing to see here.

[eclipse0]

  erm... maybe that one dude from the BT and SG. He's funny.

 

Who would that be? I probably know him...

[Haxorsist]

[...]his uncensored opinions on fat chicks[...]

 

Hahaha, I don't remember exactly what I wrote and the PM didn't get saved to my outbox. Ain't nothing wrong with chubby sex.

[Cadsuane]

I'm eating crackers.

[eclipse0]

Not animal crackers I hope?!?  Those poor hippopotamuses...

[Cadsuane]

Nah, they were boring crackers. I only posted that because I got distracted after I opened the response window and by the time I came back I'd forgotten what I was going to say. But it seemed like a waste of an open post box to just say nothing. *nod*

[Justen Diablos]

I was actually talking about you eclipse.  Though Roka would also fit the bill.  Um, Vanion's funny too, but I mentioned him before right?  A bunch of the WT girls are funny...

 

n stuff.

 

JD,

Has filled more open boxes than General Mills

[eclipse0]

Ah, why thank you, Mr. JD! 

 

*feels honored that he was the subject of the sentence*

 

I guess stalking you does have it's privileges.

 

*feels slighted about JD not remembering his name*

 

Hmm, this is unacceptable, I must stalk you harder!!!

 

*waits outside JD's window with hot cocoa*

 

Dammit, I forgot to pack marshmallows.  Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back...

 

 

[Elgee]

*Takes the cocoa and drinks it, then walks off*

[Talya]

*trips Elgee up and pokes Eclipse*

 

Remember who did the stalking...Find another skivey you can take all the cradir from for their hard work! :P

[eclipse0]

Err, umm, thanks for retrieving my cocoa...

 

 

I thought we were working as a team? No one person should get all the credit!

 

*nods vigorously*

 

Besides there was alot of work I did behind the scenes with isn't as blaringly obvious as the leg work you yourself did...

 

*Puts on his firetong proof pants*

[Talya]

Oh really...I noticed you getting the credit...for the team

 

And all that hard work you did behind the scenes..Poor you! Must have been hard!

 

*stokes her tongs*...now why would you think I would do something like that to you?

 

:)

[eclipse0]

No, no, no, you misconstrue. I was merely accepting the credit on behalf of the team as team leader...

 

*Looks side to side*

 

I would never try and slight you for all your hard work and effort.

 

*Mixes up a pitcher of Red Devils for Talya*

 

Lets not lose focus here and remember our goal.

 

*Grins impishly*

 

[Talya]

hmmmm...Is that so...*eyes the Red Devils and takes some*

 

Don't think you can get round me that easy, with some drink...*takes a gulp*

 

It just won't work...

 

*drinks some more and tops up glass*

 

And no impish grins, It won't touch me...not at all...never...errr...

 

*drinks more*

 

So you liked all my hard work and effort... :)

[eclipse0]

Ofcourse I did! Now, let's head back to the BT Light barracks so I can show you my true appreciation!

 

 

Besides, I don't think our stalk-ee would approve of us spamming his thread with BT business, even if it is directly involving him and people paying him attention and pining for his acknowledgment.

 

*nads*

[Talya]

Okay...sounds good to me..*grabs the rest of the Red devils*

 

:)

[Verbal32]

I gotta say, that's some funny stuff.  I don't stay late at work.  Ever.  Except today, because I started reading a couple of threads here and couldn't stop.

 

Damn you people.  ;)