JD's epic story of epicness. Volume 2

[Justen Diablos]

If you haven't read the first epic story of epicness you should do so now.  Because it's a trilogy and the second makes more sense after the first.  Plus the first was a lot funnier.  Anyway the first can be found either buried deep within the bowels of the fiddlesticks board or for members only *flashes his membership card*  On the seanchan private boards under a few of my other recent stories.  I would post a link to the fiddlesticks board but I don't really know how.  Plus you should have read it when I first put it out.  I mean how dare you miss first class JD literature like my epic story of epicness.  :P  Anyway I hope you enjoy volume two, and for other JD sightings keep your eyes on the Seanchan boards and check out my Spymaster columns every week over at the CoL.

 

Now. 

 

On to the story.  Probably going to have to edit this as I always mess up something.

 

Not Really that Long ago, Here at DM, which in a sense is a different galaxy I guess...

 

 

   It is a dark time for the Silly Rebellion. Although the Pantaloon factory of dhoom has

been destroyed, Empy's Seanchan have driven the Rebel forces from the main boards at DM and have pursued them across the site.

   Evading the long reach of the dreaded Seanchan spammer Barm , a group of silly freedom fighters

led by the CoL Hax has established an outpost in the last place expected the all but dead CoL Dome of Truth.

   The Beautiful Cadsuane, obsessed with finally securing the Seanchan's place as rightful caretakers of the silly at DM has dispactched secret agents throughout Dragonmount in the hopes of tracking down young Hax and his band o folk.

 

Thus Begins Silly Wars Episode V: Empy Strikes Back

 

EXTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

          The Seanchan Majsju wanders aimlessly somewhere near the former home base of the Seanchan.  He had been part of a recon group hunting down the Silly Rebellion but the other 'Chan had kept trying to steal his pez dispenser.  And that was his pez dispenser. Cads had told him so. Looking down at it he begins to talk to it as he walks

 

Maj:  My precious, my precious.  No one will take my precious.

 

Unbeknowenst to Maj, or for that matter those inside the dome, he was about to stumble upon the last bastion of Empy free silliness. 

 

Maj:  My prec...*stumbles over something.*  What the f...

 

looking down Maj see's that he's actually stumbled over what appears to be a passed out drunken wolfie. 

 

Soy Boyo:  (mumbling) I love peanut butter. 

 

Fortunately the wolfie rolls back over and goes to sleep.  Now knowing where the secret base is Maj rushes off to tell the rest of the 'Chan.

 

Maj:  Maybe now they can stop trying to take my precious.

 

 

EXTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

Hax: (into walkie talkie) Echo Three to Echo Seven.  JD, old buddy, do ya read me?

 

JD's Voice:  First of all, I'm not your buddy. Leave me alone.  Second of all, what's up with the echo crap? seriously, grow up you canadian freak.

 

Hax: (into walkie talkie) But you gave me this walkie and told you to let you know if any of the 'Chan were coming.

 

JD's Voice:  Are they coming?

 

Hax: (into walkie talkie)  I just wanted to tell you we have a pretty sweet game of laser tag going on out here.  You should come play with us.

 

JD's Voice:  Well why don't you just go and (static) yourself you peice of (more static)

 

Hax shuts off his walkie.

 

Hax:  Must be a bad reception.  oooh, a shiney object, better go check it out.

 

Suddenly a wild Ogier attacks him and tackles him to the ground.

 

Hax:  Ack! It's the illigitamite love child of Koe and Joram.  I've heard of this monster.  Must...warn...others...

 

Before he can send off a message though he's tackled again and dragged across the ground.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

After finally wrapping up his three minute string of curses JD decides that Hax has turned off his walkie.  Putting away his own device JD goes in search of the Millenium wagon and his good friend Paityr.  They'd been trapped at the Dome since all the spokes in the left rear wheel were eaten by warders trying to make sandwiches.   Sure enough, Pait is near the rear of the wagon working.

 

JD:  Paityr!

 

Paityr:  Your Face!

 

JD:  Okay bud, don't get your panties in a wad. I'll come right back and give you a hand.  I got to go talk to some people about some stuff.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth, Command Center

 

Jhaenara, one of the elder of the Sedai is clearly in command of the situation, shouting out orders to warders, Aes Sedai, and other silly warriors.

 

Jhae:  JD?

 

JD:  I've checked all the old secret tunnels, the one's only I as Spymaster knew about.  You seem to be secure.

 

Jhae: Has Hax reported in yet?

 

JD looks down at the walkie talkie he'd convienently turned off.

 

JD: Erm, nope. I think he's out, um, checkin' on stuff.  Anyway Jhae, sweetie, I gotta go.

 

Jhae:  What? like, to the bathroom? You've never really needed my permission before...

 

JD:  No no, it's this place.  It's weird for me to be here.  Plus I really don't have any beef with Empy, he's kind of like a friend of mine in fact.  I just gotta go.

 

      Blue Ajah Head Niamh, standing in the background, overhears this statement and seems somewhat worried.  But wouldn't any woman really? 

 

Oh, sorry, was that bit of narration too vain for you, the reader?  Apologies.  Just pretend that I JD am not writing this story, I'm just another guy who happens to be kind of like Justen Diablos of DM.  But not him.  Nope, I have no stake in this story what-so-ever.  No particular horse to back.  Now, um, back to the story. 

 

Jhae: I'm sorry to hear that.

 

JD::  Well, it's these Black Tower boys.  Yeah.  The Ashaba'men have been out to get me for the longest time.  since I refuse to stop mocking them and calling them names.  They might find me here.  That Vanion keeps eyeing me sideways.

 

Jhae:  Yes well, Vanion's kinda crazy. You're a master of the silly JD, and a downright sexy bastich. I hate to lose you.

 

JD: Thanks Jhae, you've always been a cool chick.

 

           He turns to Nia as Jhae walks away.

 

JD: (with feeling) Well, my beautiful blue, I guess this is it.

 

Nia: Yup, cherio.

 

        Nia is angry, which JD can tell because of the vast knowledge of brit chicks he's aquired from stalking so many of them.  She's obviously not gonna be gentle, so he shakes his head and adopts a sarcastic tone.

 

JD: (cooly) Yeah well, don't get all sappy on me. So long, your blueness.

 

           JD walks away into the quiet corridor that used to house the sleeping chambers of such greats as Leonora and Serafelle. Nia stews a moment, then hurries after him.

 

Nia: JD!

 

JD:  Yeah, what's crackin' baby?

 

Nia: I thought you decided to stay.

 

JD: I'm telling you that Vanion is straight creeping me out.  The way he eyeballs me.  He could at least wear pants ya know.  I think the BT is getting too close.

 

Nia: JD, we need you!

 

JD: We?

 

Nia: Yes.

 

JD: Oh, I thought perhaps you meant something else.  How about you need?

 

Nia: (mystified) I need? I don't know what you're talking about. Unless it's about my morning shower but really I can assure you having you hiding behind my towel rack isn't the most comfortable way to begin my day.

 

JD:  You know what... nevermind.

 

Nia: What seriously? I'm not like the high school american girls you generally associate with so you need to talk to me.

 

JD:  I think it's obvious. You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.

 

Nia: Yeah. You're the funniest bloke I've ever met, and for some reason Hax and the others look up to you. God help them...

 

JD: No! That's not it. What about. Aahhh -- uh huh! Come on.

 

           Nia stares at him, understanding, then laughs, in a cute brit kind of way.

 

Nia: You're imagining things.

 

JD: Am I? Then why are you following me? Afraid I was going to leave without putting you up against this wall and....well, you know.

 

Nia: I'd just as soon kiss Paityr.

 

JD: Really?

 

Nia:  No, actually that would be gross.  But you get the picture.

 

JD: Bah!

 

Nia: Bah!

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

          Two drunken wolfies approach the millenium wagon just as JD is ranting at Paityr.

 

JD:  Damn you're stupid. Stupid and ugly. you commie.  how can it take you all day to fix this thing?

 

Paityr:  Yeah, well, So's your face!  now if you leave me be I'll fix this thing, then we can go.  I haven't seen you work on it at all.  Oh yeah that's right.  You couldn't fix a wagon with written instructions.  Because you can't read.

 

goldeneyes: Excuse me, guys.

 

JD: (to Paityr) You're right, sorry, didn't mean to get upset.  Just fix it quick okay.  *looks off at a BT boy standing in a corner staring at him oddly*  That Vanion is really starting to creep me the fu...

 

goldeneyes:  Hey! I could be drunk right now, instead I'm a message boy. can you just listen for a second?

 

JD: What man? What do the fu...?

 

goldeneyes: It's Nia man. She's been trying to hit you on your pager all day.

 

JD: I turned it off, I don't have anything left to say to her... unless she wants me to hit it... wait is that it? she wants me to come on over and...

 

goldeneyes:  You wish.  No, it's Hax, no one can find him.

 

JD:  Like a give a fu...

 

goldeneyes: Nobody gives a fu...

 

JD:  Would you stop interupting my sentences right when I'm about to curse.  It's not we're living in PG-13 land or anything.  And what do you mean "nobody"?

   

goldeneyes:  Was it really all that vague?

 

            JD spots an attractive young Aes Sedai who'd been hanging around roughly as long as that weird Vanion guy.

 

JD: You! Aes Sedai lady? Yeah, you. with the whips and...um other stuff I'm not really sure about.

 

Elgee:  Who are you?

 

JD: Do you know where Hax is?

 

Elgee: I don't know who Hax is. I don't know who you are.

 

JD:  I mean I kind of have to find him to impress this brit girl ya know?

 

Elgee:  Could you stop bothering me now?

 

goldeneyes:  Excuse me, can I know what's going on? Am I allowed to talk?

 

JD: Why not?

 

goldeneyes: Impossible man. Come along, Soy, lets get drunk and hit on some Aes Sedai.

 

With that the two walk off just as Jhae walks up to Justen.

 

Jhae:  Hey JD, a few of my Sedai said they saw Hax get dragged off by some Ogier looking thing in a White Cloak.

 

JD:  Why do people keep assuming I care?  I mean it's not like it's Paityr, or Kathana, or light forbid a member of the Brown Ajah.  He seems like a funny kid and all but I haven't really known him that long.  What do I care if he... wait, you said an Ogier wearing a white cloak?

 

Jhae:  Yeah. Weird huh?

 

JD:  He'll be alright then.  Koeram likes to have it's fun but it'll return Hax in the morning.  More or less.  Might want to have a sickroom ready though.  He'll be a bit used up.

 

Jhae:  What does that mean exactly?

 

...

 

JD:  You don't really want to know.

 

EXTERIOR: Dome of Truth.

 

Hax warily eyes the beast over the fire.

 

Koeram: You must go to the place known only as Dark Hole in the Ground.

 

Hax:  I've heard of it, but why?

 

Koeram: There you will learn from Jim Blonde, the silliest of the silly.  Even JD was tested by the immense silliness of the Blonde one.

 

Hax:  But how can I find him?

 

Koeram: Heck if I know, sometimes the visions just come to me.  I get it from my mother.  I just haven't figured out which one of them that is.  Probably Koe, he always was the more sensative of the two.  Now... *throws Hax some maple syrup*  It's alot easier if you apply that yourself.

 

Hax faints.

 

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth recovery room

 

            Hax sits up in bed, weak but smiling. The wolfies, JD, and Pait enter the room.

 

goldeneyes: Hey, you made it back.  You missed it though.  We got soooo hammered drunk last night.  I think I nailed an Aes Sedai or two.  Could have been a warder too.  Or a tree. Not really sure.

 

          Soy Boyo slaps an IV into his arm and them passes out.

 

goldeneyes: Soy's glad to see you too.

 

JD: I don't know why everyone was so worried. You look fine.

 

Hax: No thanks to you.

 

JD: I wanted to help dog.  But Paityr, he was like "nah, screw Hax, let's get hammered with the wolfies. roll up on some white ajah girls"  It just seemed like the logical thing to do. Know what I'm saying?

 

        Before Hax can answer Nia enters the room.

 

JD: Ah, like the morning ray of sunshine to brighten my day.  Looks like you managed to keep me around a little while longer.

 

Nia: (haughtily) I had nothing to do with it.  Paityr's just a lousy mechanic.

 

Paityr:  You stole our horses!

 

Nia:  Prove it.

 

Paityr:  There were witnesses.  I have like 20 written statements confirming it.

 

Nia: Bah!

 

JD: You know what it is. I think you just can't bear to let a gorgeous guy like me out of your sight.  I was voted 2nd most attractive man alive by the Kandori press.  Damn you Orlando Bloom!

 

Nia: I don't know where you get you delusions... *eyes Soy Boyo and his drug use* though I could guess.

 

Paityr:  She's got you there.  tee hee. your face.

 

JD: Laugh it up, commie. But you didn't see us alone in the outside Serafelle's old room.  Yeah, she digs the Diablos.

 

Nia: My...! Why, you stuck up,...wise-cracking,...bald-headed...brit-stalker!

 

JD: Hey, I shave my head as a choice.  Not to cover up that I'm going prematurely bald.  Must have hit ya pretty close to home though.  To get you all riled up like that, huh?

 

Nia: Despite your stalking I guess you don't know everything about women yet?

 

          With that she leans over and kisses Hax. Then goldeneyes. Then Soy Boyo.  She starts towards Paityr, then thinks better of it and leaves.

 

JD:  That's not how I expected that to go.

 

Paityr:  I don't get it.

 

JD:  And you never will.

 

Suddenly they hear Matalina's voice in the hallway.

 

Matalina: (yelling) Everybody run! Run they've found us! Argghhh I'm a pirate!

 

INTERIOR: Cadsuane's personal wagon

 

Maj:  Segurant!

 

Seggie: Yes, Maj.  did you bring me that pez dispensor of yours to play with?

 

Maj:  NO! not my precious.  No, it's something else Seg.  I've got a lead on those drunken wolfies.

 

Seggie: (irritated) drunken wolfies?  With JD and Paityr out there.  You want us to chase after the wolfies?  They can be silly but they're no match for the old school CoLers.  Even Nia and Hax would be more of a find.  You can find drunken wolfies anywhere.  At least anywhere there's alcohol.

 

Maj:  But I found them at the Dome of Truth.  Surely that means something.  It was the old home of the CoL.

 

Segurant:  Look, if we follow every drunken wolfie how will I ever find time to make a sandwich? There's millions of em.

 

Legs Caddy approaches, flashing legs with every step and leaving the Seanchan speachless.

 

Cads: You found something?

 

Seggie: No.

 

Maj: Yes.

 

Maj proceeds to tell Cads about what he's found.

 

Cads: That's it. That's exactly where they are.

 

Seggie: Cads, c'mon, it's just a drunken wolfie.  How could you know that's where they are?

 

Cads:  It's JD, he does crazy things to me.  Unspeakable things. mmmmmmm...

 

...

 

Cads:  Oh, I'm sorry.  Plus he sent me a PM and told me to meet him at the Dome.  Flirt with him a bit and he's willing to give up his own mother.  That's JD's weakness, his vanity.  Now, let us go and crush these rebels with one fell swoop.

 

Maj: No matter how it turns out I did good though right?  i can keep this pez dispenser.

 

Cads just stares at Maj for a moment before walking away.

 

Maj  I'll take that as a yes. boo-yah

 

INTERIOR: Cads Personal Wagon, a couple hours later.

 

Cads sits in on the edge of her bathtub, shaving her beautiful legs and humming to herself.  Transfixed by such a site, ironcross remains silent until she finishes.

 

Cads: What did you need ironcross?  Certainly you didn't come to stare at my legs.

 

Ironcross:  We're approaching the Dome of Truth, stink bombs have been set off all along the perimeter to keep out all but the faint of heart.

 

Cads: (angrily) They know we're coming.  Seggie was foolish to send forth an RSVP, no matter how worried he was that all the sandwiches would be gone.

 

Ironcross: We've heard rumours of grilled ham and cheese...

 

Cads: Well let us forget all that.  Prepare his majesty's water balloons of dhoom.  We'll just have to go in fighting.

 

Ironcross: Your wish is my command your legginess.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth, Men's room

 

Matalina: (yelling through the hallway) The first wagon has escaped.  Arghhh!

 

      Everyone cheers at the announcement, which echoes through the bathroom. Hax fills his squirt gun right alongside fellow members of the new CoL.

 

Dunbar: Feeling all right, sir?

 

Hax: I'm just glad I don't remember anything. *shudders* I'm never eating maple syrup again.  How about you?

 

Dunbar: Right now I feel I could outsilly Empy himself.

 

Hax: (quietly) Well you probably can't.

 

EXTERIOR: Outside the Dome of truth.

 

A battle of epic proportions wages on.  CoLers and WT members alike battle with supersoakers the deadly might of the Seanchan Water Balloons.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth, command room

 

           JD enters into a madhouse, with WT women and Warders running everywhere.  He spots Nia and for some reason goldeneyes off to the side observing.

 

JD: You all right?

 

Nia: Why are you still here?

 

JD: I'd heard that some mimes had entered the command room.

 

Nia: You got your clearance to leave, first thing too, if you were ever looking for a hint that'd be it.

 

JD: I mean, I'm not staying that's for sure.  I don't like to get wet. First I'm going to get you to your wagon.

 

goldeneyes:  We really should leave, I need a drink really bad.

 

Nia: (into a barbie walkie talkie) Send everyone towards the main Seanchan wagon.  We need to stop it.

 

Matalina: (running through the hall)  ARGHHH! THE MIMES!! They're everywhere!

 

JD: Come on...that's it.

 

Nia: (into the walkie) Give the evacuation code signal. And get to your wagons!

 

          JD grabs Nia by the arm and drags her out, goldeneyes follows for lack of anywhere better to go.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

        Arriving to see all the wagons gone except the millenium wagon JD joins Paityr, Nia, and goldeneyes as they jump into it and prepare to leave.

 

INTERIOR:  Millenium wagon

 

          JD and Paityr sit on the driver's bench, trying to get the horses to move.  Nia stares worriedly from the viewport right behind the bench

 

JD:  Go Horsey!

 

Paityr:  Mush... it always works where I'm from

 

Nia:  Would it helped if I got out and pushed?

 

JD:  Certainly more than the sarcasm does.

 

goldeneyes:  JD, if I might dude...

       

        Paityr glares.

 

goldeneyes:  alright later then.

 

Nia:  This wagon is never going to get past those Seanchan.

 

JD:  Hey, this is my reputation we're talking about.

 

Nia: Bah

 

At that the horses start running forward.

 

JD: See? I knew that was going to happen

 

Nia: Someday you're going to be wrong, and I hope I'm there to see it.

 

JD:  Only because you can't stand to be away from me I'd wager.  Now, let's go.  On Dasher, on Prancer, Donner and...

 

EXTERIOR: Outside the Dome of Truth

 

        Hax has lost count of how many mimes he had personally dispatched.  In fact he'd been the one to figure out that if you made them break their silence by laughing they'd kill themselves.  It had been a veritable bloodbath after that, marked by blonde jokes and toilet humour.  Soaked to the bone and barely able to stand he's pleasantly surprised when Soy almost runs him over in a small wagon.

 

Hax:  Soy! It's good to see you, I need a ride out of here.

 

Soy:  And I need a DD, the Creator works in mysterious ways.

 

Hax jumps into the driver's seat.

 

Hax:  Now to find that hole in the ground.

 

Soy mumbles in his sleep and puts his head down on his right knee.

 

Hax:  That looks uncomfortable.  Well, off we go.

 

 

EXTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

           The Millennium wagon races away from the Dome of Truth, pursued closely by Cads wagon, along with sprinting Mimes and overshadowed by to-raken riders armed with water balloons.

 

INTERIOR: Millennium wagon

 

          Paityr ducks a waterballoon, then another.

 

Paityr:  JD I already took a bath this month.  What are we still doing here?

 

JD: (harried) getting out of here... whoa!

 

Nia: What?

 

JD: Water balloons, they're pelting the hooters girls we keep around the Dome of Truth to serve our orange juice.  ooooooh, mesmerizing.

 

Nia smacks JD.

 

Nia:  Focus man! we'll be caught!

 

goldeneyes:  Can I just add...

 

JD: (to Nia) Shut him up or I'll have Paityr do it for you!

 

Paityr:  Little busy right now JD.  Left Prancer! Left!

 

A Few moments of wacky chasing ensues.  Finally the wagon gets away.

 

JD:  Alright!  That was close.  Now, let's get drunk.

 

goldeneyes:  JD, listen to me...

 

Nia:  A drink would really hit the spot, may even make me do things I wouldn't even consider sober.

 

The group parks the wagon and heads down into the kitchen area.

 

JD: (with a gleam in his eye) Oh yeah? Watch this.

 

JD opens up the liquor cabinet... empty. 

 

Nia: Watch what?

 

Running to the fridge JD checks that too... also empty.

 

JD: I think we're in trouble.

 

goldeneyes:  If you'd have let me talk earlier you would have found out that we left all the alcohol back at the dome of truth.  We have no booze!

 

JD: We're in trouble!

 

silence.

 

JD: We need to find some drink somewhere.

 

goldeneyes:  Hey man, this is my specialty, I know every kind of alcohol and where it can be found,  the possibility of successfully finding anything in this area is seven hundred and twenty to one.

 

JD: Never tell me the odds!  We need to go back to the Dome.

 

Besides JD thought to himself in italics for the benifit of the reader. the true odds are that the more beer I can get, the better my shot with Nia.

 

Nia:  Are you crazy?

 

JD:  Only about you my british vision of love.

 

EXTERIOR:  Somewhere near a dark hole in the ground.

 

           The wagon of Soy Boyo approaches it's destination.

 

Hax: Yes, that's it.

 

Soy Slurs drunkenly, which Hax has come to understand from spending so much time around the wolfie.

 

Hax: No, I'm not going to change my mind about this.  I don't see anyone, but that smell indicates there's something down there...

 

            Soy burps loudly.

 

Hax:  No, I don't think they eat wolfies here.

 

INTERIOR: Millennium wagon

 

           With Paityr napping in preparation for the return to the Dome goldeneyes is left driving the wagon, still a bit tipsy but otherwise okay.  JD and Nia near each other in the hallway.  Suddenly the wagon lurches and throws Nia into JD's arms.

 

Nia: Let go.

 

JD: Shush woman!

 

Nia: Let go, please.

 

           Nia flushes, averting her eyes. She's not exactly fighting to get free. But, of course, JD says just the wrong thing...

 

JD: Don't get all excited.

 

Nia:  Justen Gabriel Diablos, I assure you being held by you isn't quite enough to get me excited.

 

JD: Sorry my exotic foriegn beauty, but we've no time for anything else.

 

Nia:  Funny, I heard two minutes was more than enough.

 

JD:  You've been talking to Paityr again. Bah!

 

Nia: Bah!

 

The two seperate.

 

EXTERIOR: Somewhere near a dark hole in the ground

 

Hax: (sighs) Now all I have to do is find this Jim Blonde...if he even exists.  Still I feel funny, like...

 

Purring female voice: Feel like what?

 

          Hax pulls out a squirt gun and aims it at a giant female ogier.  not again

 

Hax: (looking at the Ogier in horror) Like we're being watched!

 

Ogier jade:  You can put your weapon away, I mean you no harm.  My name is Tae'lia

 

          Hax warily holsters his sidearm super soaker (SSS) it hadn't done very much good for him the last time after all.

 

Tae:  So what are you doing here?

 

Hax:  I need to find someone.

 

Tae:  Well you can end your search then, for found someone you have.

 

Hax:  uhuh, well anyway...

 

Tae:  I can help you.

 

Hax:  Doubt it ogier chick, I'm looking for the greatest silly warrior DM has ever seen.

 

Tae:  *Tae laughs, it's a musical sound despite her size*  And what makes this person the greatest?

 

With that Tae grabs a bottle of vodka from Soy's secret stash, instantly alarming the drunken wolfboy.

 

Hax:  Hey, c'mon, that needs to last us a while.

 

Tae:  It's mine now, or I refuse to help you. hmmph.

 

Hax: I don't want your help you hairy bit...

 

Tae:  Just go ahead and finish that sentence Canadian.

 

      It's at this point Soy leaps forward and tackles the Ogier.

 

Tae:  Bollocks!

 

Hax:  Just let her have it Soy.

 

Soy just stares at Hax for a moment, shocked, and then resumes trying to take his bottle of vodka back.  Tae smacks the wolfie unconscious.

 

INTERIOR: Millennium wagon

 

Nia is in the kitchen whipping up some sort of meal for the group when JD comes up to help her.  Nia instantly smacks his hand away

 

JD: Easy, your blueness I was just tryin' to add a bit of JD's special magic to the meal.

 

Nia: (mixing stuff) Would you please stop calling me that?

 

JD: Sure, Nia.

 

Nia:  There really is something wrong with you.

 

JD: Yeah, there really is.  You could be a little nicer, though. Admit it. Sometimes you think I'm dashing n' stuff.

 

Nia begins to massage her hand.

 

Nia: What? If anything I tell you that you're funny too often.  sometimes at night I fear for what small part I've played in the enlargement of your ego.

 

JD: (laughs) So you think of me at night eh? I like the sound of that.

 

           With that, JD takes her hand and starts to massage it.

 

Nia: Knock that off you cheeky sod.

 

JD: oooh, I love it when you talk brit.

 

Nia:  My hands are dirty, I've been cooking.

 

JD:  Well my hands are dirty too, I've been...erm, nevermind. Anyway what are you afraid of?

 

Nia: (looking right into his eyes) Afraid?

 

JD: You're acting weird anyway...whoa! My health teacher taught us about this. You totally want me! Whoop!

 

Nia:  Bah! I do not. You're just clever, and funny.

 

JD:  And you dig me for it. I get it, there's not enough people like me in your life.

 

Nia:  Well I happen to like nice, boring men.

 

JD:  I'm told that's exactly what I am by more than one person.

 

Nia: Liar... you're...

 

The two kiss, not sloppy and cheesy, like you'd expect from a JD tale, but rather romantically, almost like a love story. Just then goldeneyes runs up

 

goldeneyes:  Hey! we're almost there!.

 

           JD turns angrily

 

JD:  Thanks cockblock. appreciate it.

 

goldeneyes: Oh, you're more welcome than I can properly express Mr. let's leave the Dome without any beer.

 

 

EXTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

           

Seggie:  Legs Caddy, I think JD is gone.

 

Cads:  He'll return, he left all his Brown Ajah gone wild video tapes behind.  We'll simply wait for him here.  And with him we'll get the brit girl Nia.

 

Seggie: If you say so.  Anyway the emperor, may he live forever, just got here.  He's looking for you.

 

Cads:  Alright, I'll go find him.  Hopefully he's not playing Hide and go poop again.  It took us days to locate him last time.

 

INTERIOR: Dome of Truth

 

As Cads strides legs flashing through the Dome the emperor, may he live forever,  jumps out from behind a privacy screen.

 

Empy:  I've been looking for you Cads

 

Cads:  What is thy bidding, my master?

 

Empy:  There's something really weird going on here at DM.

 

Cads:  Well you've been here longer than I have but I mean even the newest member knows that.  This place is all fuc...

 

Empy: Now Cads, you know we must obey the rule of PG-13.  Anyway it's not just the regular things, It's Hax, he's getting sillier.

 

Cads: He's funny, but certainly not so dangerous as JD, or even Paityr.

 

Empy: No, Pait and JD have been at DM too long, they have the old members look on things.  Both are content with the status quo provided they can come out every couple weeks and say 'behold, it is I, a legend.' and then dissapear again. Hax could supplant us.

 

Cads: He's just a Canadian. My sources say JD's not even helping him anymore.

 

Empy: That's the thing, he's actually not a canadian. and the silly is strong with him.

 

Cads: If we could recruit him, he'd become a powerful ally.

 

Empy:  Possibly, or he could just become incredably inactive like the rest of us tend to get.

 

Cads: He will join us or die, Empy.

 

Empy: Whoa, calm down there Cads. you gotta relax girl.  Not so much killing.  I thought you went to classes for that.

 

Cads:  I like it rough. What can I say *shrugs*

 

This stops the entire dome, sending various members of the 'Chan in search of a private room.

 

Empy:  I know JD left some of those Brown Ajah gone wild video's around somewhere.  And suddenly I find I...um...need them for something.

 

EXTERIOR:  Outside a hole in the ground

 

Hax: Can you really help me?

 

Tae: Of course, you're looking for Jim Blonde aren't you? He happens to be a...friend of mine.

 

Hax:  Well that weird Og...erm, I was told to find him.  That he could help.

 

Tae: Indeed. Jimmy can help alright.  You're too young to remember but once upon a time Jim Blonde led an evil army on a crusade so silly it halted the great JD in his tracks.  But why do you want to be silly.

 

Hax:  Because of folk like Quick Ben, and Paityr, and Rico, not to mention the living legend that is JD.  I hear even Koe was a silly bastard.  All of my predecesors weilded the silly with a mastery I need to attain if I'm to live up to the great standards of CoL Org Leader.

 

Tae:  Yes, They were all extraordinarily silly, Even taught me a thing or too.

 

Hax:  (a little angry) Oh, come on. How would you know? You're an Ogier chick.  What do you know of silly?

 

Tae turns away from Hax.

 

Tae: (irritated) I cannot teach him Darkwood. The boy has no patience. and he's barely funny at all.

 

Hax notices another Ogier, larger than Tae, and somehow...silly.  As if his story is one that has been told through DM history.  The Ogier is also familiar, and yet not.

 

Darks:  He has the silly in him Tae, he just needs it brought out.  I could think of none better.

 

Tae:  He's too awestruck, pays too much attention to legends and myths of those before him.  Most of that crap was exageratted anyway.

 

Darks: Were you any different Tae? or Rico?

 

Tae:  Actually yeah, I kinda was. besides, he's not ready.

 

Hax:  You must be... Jim Blonde. I am ready. I...Darkwood, or whatever, tell...um Jim. I can be silly.

 

But Darkwood has vanished, once again merely a myth.  And where Tae once stood a new visage appears.  A young man, british by all acounts, wearing a raggedy Jimmy's evil army t-shirt and radiating...humor.

 

Jim Blonde:  Ready? Really?  For almost two years I ravaged DM with a kind of humour that can only in retrospect be truly appreciated as genuis.  I think I'll decide who's ready.  You think you can be Paityr?  You think you can match the great Australian Malderico? When was the last time you did something fun eh? Adventure. Whoop! Excitement. yee-haw! A CoL Org leader makes these things happen for his folk. 

 

Hax: But I've come so far already.  Odilon taught me all sorts of cool stuff.

 

JB:  Odi, pfft. Only JD would put that guy on a pedestal.  I'm Jim Blonde you wanker.  You now stand in the presence of true silliness.

 

Hax: I won't fail you -- I'm not afraid.

 

JB: (cackling madly)  Well you bloody well should be.  You've just entered the circus Hax-or-sist. 

 

EXTERIOR: Somewhere near the Dome of Truth.

 

JD and Nia exit the wagon with goldeneyes close on their heels.

 

JD: This isn't the dome.  In fact I've never seen this place before.

 

goldeneyes: Well there's beer there, I can smell it, and none of those freak Seanchan.  I say we roll up.

 

JD:  Alright.

 

Nia: Don't you think we should talk about this? maybe ask Pait

 

JD: (interrupting) No time to discuss this as a committee.

 

Nia: (angry) I am not a committee! and... Bah!

 

 

EXTERIOR: Somewhere near the Dark hole in the ground.

 

Hax is running with Jim Blonde riding piggyback.

 

Hax:  I still don't see what this has to do with silly.

 

JB:  You don't?  You're giving a grown man a piggy back ride. This shit is hilarious. Now run my little CoL Biotch.  Yes, A CoL Org leader's strength flows from the silly.  But beware of the Empy's silly, for it is different, and involves some bits of sexual manipulation.  An if you're corrupted by it forever will it warp your fragile little mind.  As it did the goddess.

 

Hax:  Cadsuane. Can using beauty and sex as a weapon be a stronger way?

 

JB:  No...no...no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.  But most women will tell you they find humour the most attractive quality in a man.  Of course most women lie, because then they go out and pick Orlando F'n Bloom as the worlds most attractive man.  Yeah, he's downright hilarious.  Can't wait to catch his next comedy special on HBO.

 

Hax: But how am I to know the difference between being swayed by a  good joke versus the feminine wiles of beautiful woman?

 

JB:  Wow you're way gone aren't you boy?  If you don't know then I certainly can't help you.  In fact let me hop off your back before you start mistaking my intentions.  You're all crossed up.

 

Hax: But tell me why I can't...

 

JB: (interrupting) What? Use your looks as a weapon?  Well 1. you're a dude, and 2.  I mean I'd probably give you a romp or two but that doesn't mean you're anything special.  Certainly no Orlando Bloom.  Anyway I think that's it for today. Clear your mind of questions.  I know that'll leave the Hamster a lot of room to play up there but sometimes you just gotta let that kind of thing happen.

 

JB walks over near a dark hole in the ground.

 

Hax: Is that it?

 

JB:  It's why you came here.  It is strong with the silly.  Legend has it the old time CoLers used to have their weekly chats in there.  It's where Kathana joined with the CoL and thus created the ultimate silly alliance.

 

Hax: What's in there?

 

JB:  Lots of Rico's old beer cans, some porno nails Leo lost when she got a bit too... aggresive with JD.  Other than that just what silly you can manage to take with you.

 

Hax enters and comes out about five minutes later.

 

Hax:  There was nothing in there.

 

JB:  I don't know what you expected, it was just the old CoL chat room.  Hasn't been used in 8 years.  Did you find the transcripts?

 

Hax:  There's hundreds of pages here.

 

JB:  It's but a small fragment of your legacy.  Learn from the CoL that have come before.  Embrace your silly Hax.  It will save your soul.

 

...

 

JB:  (giggling) I just couldn't hold it.  sorry.  No need to be so serious though fella. It's just a website.  It's only special if you make it special.  Remember that, and DM will serve as your faithful friend you're entire life.

 

INTERIOR:  Dome of Truth.

 

The beautiful Cadsuane stands within a circle of BT ashaba'men.  Maj watches from afar while contemplating his precious.

 

Maj:  BT Boys, we hardly need em.  Beside's they'll just steal my pez.

 

Cads:  ...there will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Wagon. You are free to use any methods necessary, but I want JD and Nia at least in workably good condition.   The one I need for questioning and the JD lad I need for...other stuff.

 

Vanion:  That's cool Miss 'Chan lady.

 

Cads:  And could you by any chance put some pants on?

 

Vanion:  My bonded doesn't like them...so...no?

 

 

EXTERIOR: Somewhere near the dark hole in the ground.

 

JB: You're stupid.

 

Hax: So's your face!

 

JB:  You have the IQ of a BT boy.

 

Hax: So's your face.

 

JB:  Good good, just like your mother last night when I took her out back and...

 

Hax: Hey! Your Face.

 

JB:  Use the Paityr method yes, but don't overuse it.  Few have truly mastered it like the Great Paityr.  Most can only use it from time to time for brief comic relief.  Other times you must use other methods.

 

Hax:  Such as what?

 

JB:  Well, Rico relied on his drunkeness to be funny, the fact that he was an aussie didn't hurt either.  He could also trade your mother jokes with the best of them.  And was the quickest with a snappy comeback I've ever seen.  Great was Rico's silly.  Koe relied on sheer outlandish silliness.  The things Koe did were so out of this world weird it was naturally silly.  QB had the most base aspects of the silly down.  It was simple, yet complex all at the same time. 

 

Hax: And JD?

 

JB:  JD did it all, from insulting the BT to flirting with WT novi' to subverting the greatest at DM to his cause.  His org roster was a veritable who's who of DM.  JD was a master.

 

Hax:  Such a feat will never again be accomplished at DM.

 

JB:  Always with you what can't be done.  Empy is making a right good run of it, for he was JD's most accomplished pupil.  An even greater magnetism than JD himself Empy has, many say.  A great man.  Mayhaps you have the talent as well.

 

Hax:  Cracking jokes is one thing. What you're talking about is totally different.

 

JB:   No! Not different! Only different in your mind you canadian twit. You must unlearn what you have learned.  You could build an org that rivals the greatest in DM history, if you but embrace the silly inside of you. 

 

Hax:  But I simply refuse to believe at modern day DM that it can be done.

 

JB: That, young Hax-or-sist, is why you fail.

 

Hax:  I mean I can try I suppose.

 

JB: That was a lot of I's used in a single sentence Hax, good.  But remember you either do or you do not.  There is no try.       

 

 

EXTERIOR:  A random outpost near the Dome of truth.

 

JD:  I think it might be the Don's crib.

 

Nia: Can we trust him?

 

JD:  the Don? hell no! he's as evil as they come.  But he is my friend, and he will have some hard stuff.

 

Nia leans over and kisses JD on the cheek.

 

Nia:  You do have your moments.

 

JD:  I don't know what you're talking about I'm awesome all the time.

 

So wrapped up in flirting neither of them see that the Ashaba'man Vanion is following them.  Not wearing pants but cleverly disguising himself with a well placed tree leaf.

 

EXTERIOR:  Somewhere near a dark hole in the ground.

 

JB:  You've learned all I can teach you young Hax-or-sist.  Off you go, head toward's the Don's evil palace.  There you will find you're friend JD...

 

Hax:  He's really not my friend.

 

JB: And the Blue Ajah head Niamh.  Along with your destiny. fare the well. and don't come back here, I'm hiding.

 

 

EXTERIOR: Outside the Don's crib

 

JD: (into buzzer) No, I'm not selling girl scout cookies. Do I look like a girl scout to you?

 

Intercom voice: Is that a trick question?

 

goldeneyes: You did kind of leave yourself open for that one, you'd think a master of silly would know better.

 

Nia: I thought you knew this Don fellow.

 

Paityr:  JD remember the time when you, me, the Don, and old Firamar went over to the White Tower...

 

JD: (to Paityr) Well, that was a long time ago. *nods* Nothing to see here, move along.

 

Intercom Voice: I guess you can come in. The girl passes the criteria.

 

JD: (into buzzer) Um, thanks guy.

 

Paityr:  And remember that time when you, the Don, and Jeraal Mordeth...

         

JD: No, I don't.  And mayhaps you should shut the fu...

 

Nia:  What's the criteria?

 

JD: um, nothing.

 

The door slowly opens to show an empty entryway

 

goldeneyes: Hey no one's here to greet us?  The least they could do is leave out a welcome ale or something

 

Nia: I'm not too bloody keen on this whole thing.

 

JD: Well, what would you be, um, bloody keen on?

 

goldeneyes: They did let us in, and there's alcohol somewhere. trust me.

 

JD: C'mon guys, it's me.  It'll all be ok.  Shut up Paityr.

 

Paityr:  Your Face!

 

INTERIOR: The Don's crib.

 

A young man, tan and fit, looking slightly californian enters.  He has amazingly well turned calves and the look of eagles about him.

   

JD: See? My boy. (to Pait) Keep your good eye on Donnie alright?

 

Pait: (nods and whispers) your face.

 

the Don:  Why, you bald headed, ego driven, Leonora stealing bastich!

 

JD:  Look, I said it before. I shave my head because I choose to, and not because of male pattern baldness showing itself at an early age!

 

the Don: (laughs) How you doing, JD? So good to see you!  Remember that time you, Demandred, and I met those aiel girls and...

 

JD: (eyes Nia) Okay so we can trade stories later.

 

the Don:  She looks good.  What are you doing here?

 

JD: (gestures toward the Wagon) Ahh...we ran out of drink.

 

the Don: (in mock dissaproval) You came to the joint empty handed? Major party foul man.

 

JD: Yeah well, it's mostly Paityr's fault.

 

Paityr:  *nods* Don.

 

the Don:  Pait.  You still have that dumb look about you.  But you... *eyes Nia* are indeed a sight for sore eyes.

 

Paityr:  Hey you have sore eyes too?  I think it might be from trying to piece together these long ass JD stories.  He can barely write his own name let alone an epic tale of epicness like this one.

 

the Don:  You're just dumb you know that.  *turns to Nia* Anyway Nia...

 

Paityr:  Dumb! I'll have you know i went to college in Alaska for 9 years.  If that makes me dumb then I guess I'm dumb. *nods*  So Your Face!

 

the Don:  I hate you Paityr.  You've drained what life I had left in me.  I don't even have the energy to flirt with the girl anymore.

 

JD pats Paityr on the back.

 

JD: My boy.

 

           JD takes Nia by the hand and walks her through the Don's halls.

 

goldeneyes: So I'm goldeneyes, I've actually heard a bit about you...

 

the Don walks away in mid sentence.

 

goldeneyes: ok so I'm drinking all your shit.

 

the Don:  So what's up JD?

 

JD:  It's the wagon, our liquor cabinets are completely empty.

 

the Don:  I'll have the Red Ajah work on it.

 

JD: Thanks man.  You know I was also here on behalf of young Hax.  He needs someone of great silly to hold his hand, Paityr and I are technically retired and there's few who have mastered the silly as you have.  We simply can't allow Empy to control all of DM's humour trade.

 

the Don:  I don't see why not, Empy was always a great guy.  You remember that time you, me, and Empy got into that vat of jello pudding with those novi' from the ...

 

JD:  Light no! I don't f'n remember.  What's wrong with you people anyway? I've got a girl with me.

 

the Don:  Yeah but it's not your girl.  She's too pretty and british for you.

 

JD:  ...

 

A silence descends on the group as they walk along.

 

Paityr:  So how's the Red Ajah treating you?  Is it different than Shayol Ghul.

 

the Don: Well it's good of course, because of all the beautiful women.  Still I sometimes have problems keeping up you know.  I'm not as young as I used to be and most of the Red girls are quite... adventurous... if you know what I mean.  I've woken up coughing up blood on more than one occasion.

 

Paityr:  Nice!

 

goldeneyes (echoes) nice.

 

Nia eyes the men in disgust.

 

the Don:  You know JD, seeing you sure brings back a memory or 47.

 

JD: You've mentioned, yeah.  I get it. 

 

the Don: No not just that.  The silly was strong back in those days.  These days are just a pale imitation.  They'll never be another us.

 

          JD and the Don laugh quietly in remembrence.  Rolling his eyes goldeneyes falls back from the rest of the group. As he walks he see's a room off to the left that appears to be serving.

 

goldeneyes: Bout time!

 

goldeneyes heads off in a different direction than the rest of the group.

 

INTERIOR: a bedroom in the Don's crib

 

Looking very pretty and very british Nia paces back and forth the in the room she'd been given at the Don's crib.

 

JD: Look, the bar is almost stocked.  After that we'll take the wagon and get you back with the rest of the White Tower.

 

Nia:   The sooner the better. Paityr still hasn't bathed despite the death of all those horses and something's very wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about goldeneyes. It's not like him to just leave without telling anyone.

 

JD:  Actually I barely know him but it seems like exactly something he'd do.

 

Nia: Point.

 

JD:  Look, relax, I'll talk to Donnie, see what's happening.

 

Nia: I don't trust Don, he used to be a member of Shayol Ghul, then for no reason he retires into the Red Ajah.  It makes no sense.

 

JD:  Yeah he went from an org that was slowly fasing out older members such as him to a group of women who like to brandish whips and other...toys.  Makes no sense at all. *rolls eyes*

 

Nia:  I will not be patronized thank you.

 

JD:  I don't even know what that word means.  Look, we'll get out of here.  You have the word of the great JD.

 

Nia:  Uhuh, I suppose once you drop me off at the Tower you'll be off again huh?  Never to be seen for another 7 years?

 

           Not speaking,  JD quietly tries to pretend she wasn't talking to him.  Just like the conflict resolution book told him too in chapter 4.

 

INTERIOR: the Don's crib

 

goldeneyes stumbles in and passes out face first on the floor.

 

Nia: Bollocks!  What happened?

 

Paityr:  I hate to point out the obvious but it's really all I'm good at.  I think he's drunk.

 

Nia:  Do you think he'll be okay?

 

Paityr shrugs.

 

JD:  the Don can probably help get him sobered up.  Or get his stomach pumped or something.  Man he's tore up.

 

Nia: Nah, I don't really know him enough to care that much.

 

            Just then the Don enters

 

the Don: I'm sorry. I miss anything?

 

Nia: Couldn't really say what it might have been if you did.

 

the Don:  You look gorgeous young Nia, JD did always favor the brit girls like Lilli and Ehlana.  Which makes me wonder why he had to steal Leo from me.

 

JD:  Porno nails dude.  That chick was wild.

 

Nia: Ahem, I believe he was praising me.  Shouldn't you be jealous right now?

 

JD:  (confused) But I'm JD.

 

the Don: (to Nia) Want to join me for some dessert?

 

Paityr: No tree's were harmed making that food of yours were they?

 

the Don:  It's ice cream.  Who does that hurt?

 

Paityr:  I guess the cows, but no one really cares about them.  It's okay I suppose.

 

the Don:  Um, yeah.  Anyway everyone can come of course.

 

the Don profers his arm and Nia takes it, making JD frown, Pait simply makes a run for the door mumbling 'ice cream' over and over.  the Don notices goldeneyes passed out on the floor and stops, allowing JD the opportunity to slide in and steal the Don's spot next to Nia.

 

the Don:  Hey is he gonna live?

 

            JD and Nia look at each other and shrug.

 

JD: Who would know.

 

            JD and Nia leave the room followed closely by the Don.

 

INTERIOR: the Don's crib/ hallway

 

the Don:  So you see, since we're kind of hidden amongst the enormity that is the White Tower no one really notices how truly silly our Red Ajah is.  We're a smaller group, and since we're protected by Kat...er, the Amyrlin, the Emp mostly leaves us alone.

 

JD: Don't you worry that Empy will find out about you and send Barms to join the Reds and destroy you from the inside?

 

the Don:  I've spent many a night fearing just that.  But well, erm.  Dude, JD.  I mean... I feel bad...um.  All I can say is sometimes s**t happens when you party naked man.

 

JD: What are you talking about?

 

Just then the door at the end of the hallway opens and inside the dining room Legs Caddy is visible to all. Well, her legs are anyway, no one really notices anything else.

 

Cads:  Hey boys.  I bought sandwiches.

 

JD:  Woah she's hot dude.

 

Nia frowns.

 

Nia:  Yes but can she do this?  Bollocks, bugger, wanker, sod?  And I know she can't snog like I can. Hmmmph.

 

JD:  I don't know what that means either.  I like it, just don't know what it means.

 

the Don shrugs.

 

the Don:  I got nothing.  Sorry bout the whole betraying you to the Empire thing.

 

JD:  Yeah, see that's a real party foul.

 

 

INTERIOR: the Don's crib/basement

 

Paityr slaps goldeneyes repeatedly across the face.

 

Paityr  Dude, wake up.  Are you dead?

 

goldeneyes mumbles and rolls over once.

 

goldeneyes:  (gurgling) aararagagha

 

INTERIOR:  A different room in the basement.

 

Cads spends about three hours alone with JD.  Finally exiting she finds the Don and Vanion waiting.

 

the Don: Legs Caddy.

 

Cads: (to Vanion) So I'm done with the one called JD.  mmmmm. wow.  You can take him back to the BT now.

 

Vanion:  He's no good to me dead.

 

Cads:  Oh he's not dead...just, resting.  Speaking of which I need a nap.

 

the Don:  Your legginess, what about Nia and the Paitmonkey?

 

Cads:  I don't know, my brain's in a tizzy.  Let me think on it for a moment.  I'll probably just make you keep em here so they stay out from underfoot.

 

the Don: That was never part of our deal.  The brit girl sure but Paityr CANNOT stay here!

 

Cads:  (batting her eyelashes and pouting)  Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly.

 

the Don:  argh, the sexy is too great.  No, whatever you say Cads.

 

Cads: Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave Barmacral here to stay.

 

Cads leaves, flashing legs with each step and Vanion leaves as well.

 

the Don:  They better not make me keep Paityr here.  And I wish that Vanion would put on some pants.

 

INTERIOR: Back at the other cell

 

    goldeneyes briefly talks again, something about a giant fruit roll-up, but immediately passes out again.  Paityr looks on in confusion until JD comes stumbling into the room, buckling up his pants.

 

JD: Holy sh...

 

JD falls over and shakes his head to regain his senses.

 

JD:  Never had that happen before.

 

Nia:  What?

 

It's just then JD notices Nia and tries to pull himself back together.

 

JD: Erm, huh? I mean.  ahhh, they tortured me.  Yeah it was bad, they made me listen to kenny g records and talk about the value's of communism.

 

Paityr:  Hey that sounds like a great time.

 

JD stumbles again, this time Nia comes to his aid.  She gently touches his face.

 

Nia:  Why would they do such a thing?

 

JD:  She never even asked me my last name.

 

          the Don enters.

 

Nia:  Wanker!

 

JD:  Dude, Don, you wouldn't believe it. *eyes Nia* erm, I mean,  Get out of here!  Shame on you!

 

the Don:  Shut up.  Cads wants to leave Paityr here, with me!

 

Paityr:  Awesome, like a sleepover?

 

the Don:  Dude this isn't cool.  It's not cool at all.

 

Nia:  What about JD? What about me?

 

the Don:  You can stay too, JD's got to go with Vanion back to the Black Tower.  arggh. Paityr.

 

Nia:  Cads wants to be rid of us all.

 

JD looks up and shakes his head in surprise.

 

the Don: She doesn't care about ya'll at all.  It seems Empy want's some dude named Hax and he's sent Cads after him. 

 

Paityr: Hax?  Haxorsist?  But.... why?

 

the Don:  oh who cares? I mean... Paityr! forever!

 

With that the Don leaves muttering to himself.  Nia bends down to take care of JD again.

 

Nia:  Why would they do this to you?

 

JD (guilty)  erm, um.  *shrugs*

 

 

INTERIOR:  Deep within the h

[Justen Diablos]

(continued)

 

INTERIOR:  Deep within the heart of the Don's crib.

 

Cads:  I hope Hax gets here soon.  This place is boring.   No offense Don.

 

the Don  Saying 'no offense' in no way mitigates the insult you know.

 

Cads:  What about this?  *arches her back with catlike grace*

 

the Don:  Yeah that works.

 

            Barmacral walks into the room, like a wet blanket killing the mood. 

 

Barm:  Cads, a wolfie wagon approaching.

 

Cads:  Finally, this Hax kid.  Um, let him find his way to me.  I'm bored, I'll handle this personally. 

 

It's at that moment JD, Nia, and Paityr (carrying a half drunk goldeneyes over his shoulder) enter the room.

 

goldeneyes:  Dude, I'm so f'n hammered right now.

 

JD:  What's going on Donnie?

 

the Don:  You're being sent to the BT where you'll be forced to join in with an RP.

 

JD:  Like a serious DM RP?  Like bottom of the message boards RP?

 

Vanion:  What if he's a horrible storyteller?  It could ruin entire threads.

 

Cads:  I doubt JD's bad at anything he does...but even if he does suck he can't be worse than the fourteen year old boys that populate your org. 

 

Vanion:  That was the old BT.  We're a lot more mature these days.

 

Cads:  You hand out razors twice a year instead of once?

 

Vanion:  Funny.  JD, you're coming with me.

 

JD starts to go with Vanion then looks around in consternation.

 

JD:  You're all just gonna sit there?

 

Cads:  Well I'm done with you anyway.

 

Pait: Um... your face?

 

goldeneyes:  The answer is nintendo, but what's the question?

 

Nia shrugs and walks to JD to give him a kiss.

 

Nia:  I kind of like you. 

 

JD:  I know.

 

Cads:  Well he's all yours Vanion.  I might pop in from time to time to...erm... check on him.

 

Barm:  I'm told Hax is here Cads.

 

Cads:  Good.  Now take Paityr and the brit girl to my wagon.

 

the Don:  You mean it? You're not going to leave Paityr here? 

 

Cads:  I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further.

 

the Don (grinning from ear to ear)  By all means, alter it further!  If it's gonna be like this.

 

INTERIOR:  the Don's crib.

 

Hax arrives just as everyone else leaves the room.  leaving only he and Cads.

 

 

Cads:  The silly is with you, young Hax.  But you're no JD just yet,  actually you're still just a shadow of what Paityr is.

 

INTERIOR:  Near the outer door of the Don's crib.

 

Nia:  So you're just going to let us go?

 

the Don:  What can Emp do to me?  He built his legend from foundations I set.  I figured I owed JD one, since I got him wrapped up in the whole BT RP thing.  And since you two are his closest allies, and no one really cares about the wolfie.  I figured I'd let you go.

 

Paityr:  What about Hax?

 

the Don:  Do you care?

 

Paityr:  You always made good sense Donnie.  I won't miss you.

 

the Don: Nor I you.  Nia, a pleasure, perhaps sometime when Paityr isn't here to completely wreck my mojo I will work my magic upon you.

 

Nia:  I shall look forward to it with Brit girl type enthusiasm.

 

the Don:  Justen's right about one thing, it's the best kind.

 

EXTERIOR:  A dark and scary place that smells of evil.

 

Vanion:   Give JD a laptop, so that he can start his RPing immediately.

 

Alone in the world, JD sobs silently.

 

 

INTERIOR:  the Don't crib

 

Hax makes fun of Cads' shoes.

 

Cads:  Argh! You have learned much, young one.

 

Hax: You'll find I'm full of surprises.  For instance did you know I'm not canadian.

 

Cads:  Save your canadian trickery for someone else.

 

Hax:  But I'm really NOT Canadian!

 

Cads:  I will not argue this farcery, if such is a word...

 

Hax:  It's definately not.

 

Cads:  Your destiny lies with the 'Chan young Hax.

 

Hax:  I mean they're alright I guess.

 

Quicker than thought Cads begins to pantomime drawing a box around Hax.  Who pantomimes being trapped inside said box.

 

Cads:  All to easy. Perhaps you are not as strong as Empy, may he live forever, thought.

 

It is then that Hax begins pantomiming drawing a doorway in the box, he then steps out of the box with excessively grandiose motions.

 

Cads: Impressive...most impressive.  Odilon has taught you well young Hax-or-sist

 

Cads then turns on... 'the charm'

 

Cads:  Oh Hax my dear, why do you fight me?  Don't you think the alternative would be... much more appealing.

 

Breathing hard Hax eyes Cads... figure.

 

Cads  It is useless to resist young hax.  *pulls her skirt up to show just an inch more leg*

 

Hax:  Wow, you don't see girls like that in northern Canadia.  Erm. Ack, I mean I'm not Canadian.  What are you doing to my mind?

 

Cads:  There is no escape. Don't make me turn you into a mindless puppet, drooling after my legs like a lonely schoolboy.  You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your silly.  Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and place all the silly in the hands of but one man.  Empy, may he live forever.

 

Hax:  What makes him so special?

 

Cads:  Empy is your father.

 

Hax: No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!

 

Cads: Search your feelings.

 

Hax:  I can search all I want it's still not possible.

 

Cads:  Yeah you're right, I was just lying to you.  My bad.  Still, you need to join the 'Chan.  It's the only way.

 

Hax runs.  And he keeps running until he's outside of the Don's crib.

 

Hax:  Odi... Odi please!

 

Odilon looks up from his dinner of ramen noodles.

 

Odilon:  Not sure what you want me to do exactly.

 

Hax:  Help me get out of here.

 

Odilon:  Why?  I kind of like it here.  Me and Donnie were always pretty cool with each other. 

 

Hax: I'm just so confuzzled.

 

Odi:  Yeah women will do that to you.  Well if'n you must go your friends are just right over there. *points*

 

About ten feet away sits the millenium wagon with Paityr, Nia, goldeneyes, and Soy Boyo. 

 

Hax:  What are you doing?

 

Nia:  Waiting for you of course.  This story can't rightly proceed unless all the main characters are in place for the finale.

 

Hax:  So this is how it ends?  Kind of anticlimactic if you ask me.

 

Nia:  Well we couldn't really match the drama of the movies could we?  i mean this is a silly story for goodness sakes, how far can the premise of silly wars really take us?

 

Hax:  Well the pantaloon factory didn't have that bad an ending.  I thought at least it could have been something like that.

 

Soy Boyo:  You want me to blow up something with my piss again?

 

Hax: No.

 

Nia:  Bugger it.  We need to rescue JD.  Right Paityr?

 

Paityr:  What? Oh, erm, yeah. right.

 

 

INTERIOR: Millenium Wagon

 

Paityr: (into walkie talkie) Hax, I'm heading out.

 

Hax: (over walkie talkie) We need one more person Pait, to sucessfully pull off the mission.

 

Paityr: (into walkie talkie) Don't worry Hax, I've got it covered.  When we find Roka, Vanion, and the BT boys we'll contact you..

 

INTERIOR:  A Treehouse goldeneyes built

 

Hax:  (into walkie talkie) I'll meet you at the rendezvous point at the BT board.

 

Paityr: (over walkie talkie)  Nia, We'll find JD, I promise

 

Nia:  (into walkie talkie) That'd be cool I guess.

 

Hax: (into walkie talkie) Take care, Pait. And may the silly be with you.

 

Paityr: (over walkie talkie)  Your face!

 

The End.

 

Is there a word limit on post length?

 

JD,

'Chan

[Barmacral]

I can't decide if I should be amused that I'm the Empire's ultimate weapon, or insulted that these Seanchan and CoL folk don't seem to think I'm funny. I wonder how long they've been saying that, musta all been behind my back before, since this is the first time I've heard of it.

[Niamh Sedai]

*smug* I love this story!  :D

[Cadsuane]

So... How can I get the DVD with the deleted scenes? Because I was kinda hoping... Erm, nevermind. Forget I said anything.  :-[  ;D

[Haxorsist]

Whew, I was dreading this episode. I was afraid we'd hear Legs Caddy say: I am your father.

 

That would've just been too weird, y'know.

[Emperor]

Since I married a Canadian, it would make sense that Hax would be my son. 

[Loreina]

Wow, JD! Dude, I could like, feel the fo silly, man. *nods*

 

;D

 

*hopes there's more*

[Jhaenara]

Ohhh, I saw my name...  :o  I haven't been able to read it yet, though, cuz I have family here and haven't been able to sit long at the comp.  Soon, though, soon........

 

It must be my association with the lady love interest that got me a part... thanks Nia!    ;D  ;)

[Elgee]

*votes to ban leaves in this story*  ;D

[Vanion]

lol this story had everything...

 

Sexual content, drunkards, random violence... and me!!

 

But why am I never wearing pants? lol

 

For the record, I don't make a habit of walking around without pants, it's Demi who doesn't wear pants... or anything for that matter.

 

*votes for JD to give him back his pants!*

[Elgee]

*bribes JD not to*  ;D