Azrael's Tech Support Saga

[bad company]

I would slap him in person

[Canukistani]

ME: Thanks for choosing Shaw etc

Her: Hello? I have that box thing? I got that new box thing? You know that box thing? Where you can get more channels?  That box?

ME: Yes, a digital box. 

Her: Yes that box thing?  And I have it hooked up?  And I only have like fuzz?  So I'm thinking something needs to be done?  But I hooked it up right?  I think I did? I followed the instructions?

ME: Ooookay.  So, you have the cable from the wall to the digital box, and from the digital box to the tv, but only static on the tv, is this correct?

Her: Yes?  That's right?  I did it right? <aside> I told you I did it right, Mom.

ME: Ooookay.  What lights are on the front of the digital box.

Her: It's that tiny thing? That box that's tiny? That I'm supposed to get more channels with? Digital channels? That box?  Right? But there's no lights?

ME: *sighs* Soooooooo ... no lights on the front of your digital box. Do you have your Shaw remote control that came with that digital box?

Her: That remote? That came with it? That remote?  It's black? I have that? I have that black remote?

ME: Ooohhh gooooood.  So.  *tries not to sigh* Could you press cbl then power with that remote please.

Her: Cbl then power? Those buttons? On the top of the remote? Those buttons? I can press those buttons?

ME: Yes please.

Her: OH!?!?! I have a picture!??!!?? 

ME: Yes.  Indeed. Now your digital box is on ....

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw. how can we help you?"

Him: "My phone doesn't work."

Me: "Ok.  Let's see what's happening.  What's you phone number?"

*gives number*

Me: "Hmmm... that number is for an account that is turned off."

Him: "Yeah.  I mived a block down the street so I cancelled it there and set up a new one here."

Me: "O...k.  Why did you not use out "Easymove" service if you were only moving a few buildings down?"

Him: "Meh... I couldn't be bothered filling out the paperwork."

Me: "Uh... it's a single page with where you're moving from to where you're moving to, and what services you currently have with us and if there were any new services that you wanted to try."

Him: "Look.  I don't want to talk about that.  I just want to know why no one can call me anymore."

Me: "Ok.  Well I know why your number doesn't work anymore."

Him: "Why?"

Me: Well... it's like this: when you cancel an account, everything acosited with that account gets cancelled too.  Things like Specialty packages, Email accounts and phone numbers.  You're phone doesn't work because you told us to turn it off.  Is there anything else we can help you with today?"

Him: "WHAT?!?  What do you mean it's turned off?  Turn it back on!"

Me: "Ok.  I'll transfer you to the Sales department and they can see about getting you a new phone number."

Him: "I want my OLD ONE!"

Me: "Sorry.  It's gone now.  You should have transferred the number from you old house to your new house."

Him: "So... what do I do now?"

Me: "Hold the line while I transfer you.  Have a nice day."

*TRANSFERED!*

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

That was cool, on an average how many hard headed people do you deal with a day?

[Canukistani]

Me: "Well sir, it looks like the modem and the router are simply not comunicating.  Let's bypass the router and plug the modem directly into the computer."

Him: "I don't think I want to do that."

Me: "Ok.  Well... I guess we're pretty much done then."

Him: "WHAT?  What do you mean?"

Me: "Well, there's simply too many variables at this point for us to have a complete diagnosis.  But don't worry, we're here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Feel free to call us back any time when we're able to direct connect this computer."

Him: "I... fine!  I'll connect it right now."

Me: "Good boy... who gets a cookie?  Who does?  Good boy!"

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?"

Him: "I don't have any internet.  This has been going on for several days now and, well, frankly I'm sick of it."

Me: "Well, let's have a look at the modem and see what's what.  What lights are on the modem?"

Him: "All of them."

Me: Well, that sounds like a happy modem.  Looking at it I can see that it's online and whatever it's plugged into is able to go onto the internet.  let's unplugthe power cable to the router and see if the PC activity light goes out."

Him: "I did, and it didn't.  That means that there's something wrong with the modem, doesn't it?"

Me: "Well, it means that SOMETHING is wrong, that's for sure.  Let's have a look at the cable that comes from the back of the modem.  What is it plugged into?"

Him: "It's... let's see here.  It's plugged directly into the back on one computer."

Me: "Ok, is that computer able to go online?"

Him: "Well yes. It's been able to go online the whole time!"

Me: "Well, that makes sense now, doesn't it?  Let's see what happens if we disconnect the cable from the computer and connect it to the Router."

Him: "Ok.  I... Uh... I can go online with all my computers now."

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw.  Have a good night."

 

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?"

 

#1: "How DARE YOU PEOPLE DO THIS!  I'm SICK and TIRED of you people peddling SMUT!"

Me: "I... beg your pardon sir?"

#1: "I ordered the UFC and instead I'm getting P0RN!"

Me: "What channel are you on right now sir?"

#1: "Channel 318!"

Me: "Did you say 318? as in 3-1-8?"

#1: "YES!"

Me: "Ok, the UFC is on channel 319.  Could you press the channel + button please."

#1: "Oh.  Ok.  It's working now." *click*

 

#2: "I ordered the UFC and it's just a black screen!  I paid extra money to have it in High Def and it's nothing but a black screen!  I can hear them fighting, but it's nothing but a black screen!"

Me: "Do you have a high def cable box sir?"

#2: "What?  No."

Me: "Well, if you order a HD show on a Standard def tuner you'll get a black screen.  I recomend you order it in standard def and you should be able to watch it with no problem."

#2: "But... but... I WANT TO WATCH IT IN HIGH DEF!"

Me: "Then you need to go out and buy a High Def cable box.  they only cost $700.  When you pick one up, we'll be more than happy to activate it for you and you can watch it in high def."

#2: "You guys SUCK!"  *click*

 

#3: "Yeah... I ordered the fight for tonight?  It's not working."

Me: "Ok.  What channel is your TV on now?"

#3: "Uh... I don't know.  Would that matter?"

Me: "Yeah.  let's change the channel to 319."

#3: "Oh!  It's working now.  what did you do?"

Me: "Nothing.  You changed the TV to the channel that it was on."

#3: "It doesn't do it all by itself?"

Me: "It does if you set up reminders in your cable box."

#3: "I hate those.  They interrupt your TV show."

Me: "Yes... yes they do.  have a nice day."

 

#4: "I ordered the UFC and it's not playing."

Me: "Ok, I see that you ordered it for the morning show."

#4: "Yes.  Yes I did, and it worked just fine then.  Why isn't it working now?"

Me: "Well... like I said, I see that you ordered it this morning.  I do not see an order for tonight."

#4: "I... I need it.  I have 300 people sitting here staring at a blank screen."

Me: "Ok.  as a business you need to have permission from Canada Star Boxing to show this in your establishment.  Do you have the proper authorization?"

#4: "I gave it to you this morning."

Me: "Yes.  I see that.  Do you have authorization for the 2ND showing?"

#4: "YES!"

Me: "Excellent.  Fax that to us and we'll be able to activate it right away."

#4: "WHAT!?!?  That is NOT ACCEPTABLE!  Shaw screws this up EVERY SINGLE TIME!"

Me: "Ok... did you fax that to us yet?"

#4: "I am SO not going to deal with Shaw ever again!  I'm going with Bell, or... or... TELUS... or ANYONE ELSE!"

Me: "Well I'm sorry to hear that sir, but you will have to do the same with them.  You see, Canada Star Boxing has all the broadcast rights to all the UFC, WWE and all boxing events that are on PPV.  THEY are the ones who require all these hoops to be jumped through.  If it were up to US, we'd just activate it and you could pay us at your leisure.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Canada Star Boxing freaks out when we go around them, and then they start suing people.  People like us for broadcasting it illegally, and people like you for hosting an illegal event.  We don't want that now, do we?"

#4: "I faxed it.  Now activate it already."

Me: "Is it playing now?"

#4: *sounds of combat in the background.  click*

 

#5: "Dude.  I totally want to watch the fight!"

Me: "Ok, you need to turn your Channel to 319."

#5: "I did, but it's asking me for a password."

Me: "Ok.  Well... enter your password and order it."

#5: "Uh... this isn't my house.  What's the password?"

Me: "What was that?  This isn't your house?"

#5: "No.  Like it's my buddies parent's place.  We have no idea what the freakin' password is so you need to help us out. We even tried his password, but that's for his cable box at his house."

Me: "Uh... wouldn't it be easier to just watch it at his house?"

#5: "DUDE!  The folks have a sweet 50" TV and... we don't want to pay for it!"

Me: "Go to a bar.  It's playing in almost every one.  *click*

 

#6: "I ordered the UFC.  I want a credit for it."

Me: "O...k.  Why do you want a credit for it?"

#6: "The bout I wanted to watch was the first one, and I missed it.  I don't think I should have to pay for the whole thing if I only wanted to watch a single bout.  And I missed it so I don't want to pay at all now."

Me: "Uh..."

#6: "What?  Fair is fair!"

Me: "Ok.  Well... when you go to Pizza hut and order a pizza, you get the whole pie even if you just want to eat a slice.  you need to go to a pizza-by-the-slice restaurant if you just want a single slice."

#6: "That doesn't even make sense.  I don't even like pizza."

Me: "Unfortunately, with the Pay Per View service you can order what they offer.  If they don't offer what you want, then you have to order whatever is close.  If you only wanted to watch a single bout, you should have gone to a sports bar or a pub, had a drink or a snack while it was on, then leave.  When you're placing an order, they sell the whole-"

#6: "I.  DON'T.  CARE!  Give me my credit!"

Mwe: "Do you have a pen handy?"

#6: "What?"

Me: DO.  YOU.  HAVE.  A.  PEN.  HANDY."

#6: "Uh... yeah."

Me: "Here's a number: ### ### ####  Go call them."

#6: "Who's this?"

Me: "The Pay Per View Corp.  Have a nice day and... Good luck."

 

[Barmacral]

Oh fight night, they really do get the best callers on the line. My favourites were the ones who couldn't order it because they were months behind on their payments.

[Canukistani]

sometimes we get an outbound call, this is such a call...:

 

*Outbound line rings*

Her: "Hello?"

Me: "Hello, this is Charles calling from Shaw."

*crickets chirping in background*

Me: "I'm calling back regarding your Shaw related issue."

*prolonged silence broken only by the occational breath in the phone*

Me: "Is... *looks up account holder's name* Jaz there?"

Her: "Yes.  One minute please."

*phone is set down... sound of footsteps retreating*

*3 minutes go past*

Him: "Hello?"

Me: "Hello, this is Charles calling from Shaw.  How can we help you tonight?"

Him: "I fixed it.  My computer was turned off.  I turned it on and everything is working fine now."

*click*

Me: "Uh... thank you for... choosing... aw screw it."

[Dunbar]

This is the best thread ever made

 

[Canukistani]

Actual trouble ticket:

 

Mr High Speed Internet met Miss Total entertainment, fell in love.  Now they live together and want a little bundle.  Please assist.

 

This was sent to the TSR 2 bin.  Sometimes working here is hilarious.

 

[Canukistani]

Her: “I have a question about Shaw protect... um... thing.”

 

Me: “Shaw Secure?”

 

Her: “What?”

 

Me: “Do you mean Shaw Secure? The antivirus for your computer?”

 

Her: “I guess so.  Is that the only security you offer?”

 

Me: “Yes.”

 

Her: “Well, why don’t I have it already then?  I’ve been a Shaw customer for years now.”

 

Me: “You need to download it and install it on your computer.  We offer it free to every Shaw internet customer.”

 

Her: “I’m very upset that you didn’t inform me of it before now.  Very Upset!  I had to spend money on Norton!”

 

Me: *sigh* “Could you look at your bill please?”

 

Her: “I... yes.  I have it here.”

 

Me: “Do you see our add there for Shaw Secure?”

 

Her: “I... Yes.  I see that here.”

 

Me: ... “Well... there you go.  We include it on every bill.  Is there anything else We can help you out with today?”

 

Her: “Yes!  My internet is VERY slow.  VERY.  When I turn my computer on it takes FOREVER to log in, let alone go online!  I just don’t know why I’m paying for this service if it’s going to be that slow!”

 

Me: “Well, if you open Internet Explorer and it takes a really long time to load, that’s Shaw.  We provide internet service.  If you open up anything else and you ALSO have to wait a long time, that’s NOT Shaw.  There is nothing that we provide that would impact your computer’s load times.  Let’s open your computer up and have a look at your RAM and Processor power.”

 

Her: “I... Uh... I... Where do I find this?”

 

Me: “Click on Start, then go into the control panel.”

 

Her: “I’m blind.”

 

Me: O_O  “I... See.”

 

 

 

Blind people using the internet... nice.  At least she’s not driving.

 

[Zashara]

This thread just made my day.

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for shoosing Shaw, how can we help you today?"

Her: "I don't have any cable service.  I'm moving in 3 days, so I think they disconnected my cable already."

Me: "Ok, well let's look at your account here... OK.  Everything looks like it's up and running right now, so it's not been disconnected yet." 

Her: "Oh, yeah, the girl said that everything should be working until July.  I just figured it was disconnected early."

Me: "Let's see if your basic cable is working.  Please, disconnect the coaxial cable, that cablevision cable, from the back of your digital cable box and directly connect it to your TV."

Her: "How do I do that?"

Me: "Ok.  do you see the cable that comes from the wall jack?"

Her: "Yes."

Me: "Ok, it should run from the wall jack to the TV."

Her: "Yes.  It does."

Me: "Ok, unscrew it from the back of the Cable box."

*loud burst of static*

Her: "Ok, now I've just got snow on my TV."

Me: "Ok, now we need to connect the cable to the back of the TV."

Her: "Ok."

*Several minutes pass.  Static in background.*

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Hi."

Me: "How's that going?"

Her: "How's what going?"

Me: "Have you direct connected the cablevision cable to the TV yet?"

Her: "Oh!  You wanted me to do that?  I thought you were going to do that."

*WTF?  I'm of the freaking phone... how in the world am I supposed to be able to do this?*

Me: "Uh... no.  You're going to need to do that."

Her: "I have no idea how... here.  Talk to my Mom."

Her2: "something in cantonese"

Me: "Uh... hi?  This is Charles at Shaw Cable."

Her2: "something else in cantonese."

*line goes quiet, faint sound of static in background*

Her3: "Hello?"

Me: "Hi, this is Charles at Shaw."

Her3: "Hello there.  Cable not working."

Me: "Yeah.  We need to direct connect the cablevision cable to the TV."

Her3: "Ok." time passes "Hello?  Not working.  Internet not working either."

Me: "Ok.  We're going to get a tech out there to fix this.  Thank you for choosing Shaw.  have a nice day."

[Canukistani]

Me: Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you today?”

Him: “I have some questions about my monthly bill.”

Me: “Ok, what’s your phone number?”

Him: ###-###-####

Me: “Hmm... that doesn’t come up with an active account.  Do you have an account number?”

Him: “No... No I don’t.”

Me: “Ok, what’s your street address?”

Me: “Hmmm... there’s no active account at this address.  Are you sure you have services through Shaw Sir?”

Him: “I’m paying for services every month, and my TV works.”

Me: “Ok... what’s you name sir?”

Me: “Ok... there is no one in our system with an active account by that name.  Is it possible that someone else has the account for you?”

Him: “I... What?  I don’t think so.  We’ve been living here for over a year now.”

Me: “Hmmm... We are definitely going to need that account number.”

Him: “I’ll have to go get a bill.”

Me: “Ok.  I’ll wait for you.”

Him: “Ok.  Hang on.”

*click*

*dial tone*

[cosmicpanda]

ha.

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you today?"

Him: "Yeah... why is my bill so FREAKING MUCH?"

Me: "Uhhh... well... let's look.  Ok, I see here that you've been ordering a LOT of movies from Pay-Per-View."

Him: "What?  What movies?  I only ever order Shaw on Demand movies from the Free Zone!"

Me: "Well, it looks like someone ordered a lot of Adult movies.  Like... wow... a lot.  18 this month and 13 last month."

Him: "Adult movies?  Like... Pronos?"

Me: "Yes sir."

Him: "When were they ordered?"

Me: *reads out titles and dates with times ordered, many of which feature an all male cast*

Him: "Yeah... ok.  Those were ordered while I was at work and my sons were home."

Me: "Ok.  Well... I guess they must have ordered them."

Him: "So... how long were the gay pronos watched for?"

Me: "Uh... all the way through... and many were ordered multiple times."

Him: *sigh*  "I see.  Ok.  Well... Thank you.  I think I need to talk to my sons."

Me: "Um... Thank you for choosing Shaw.  Have a nice day."

 

[Canukistani]

Me: "Thank you for choosing Shaw

Her: Yeah, I haven't received a bill in a long time, at least two months

Me: Well, let's have a look... *brings up account info*

Her: How much do I owe now?

Me: $400

Her: What?  How is that even possible?

Me: Well, there are a lot of movies ordered.

Her: What kind?

Me: Adult mostly

Her: I... see.  When were they ordered?

Me: Reads out time and dates.

Her: I see.  Well I think I know who's been ordering all the adult titles... my 13 year old son.

Me: Ah... Well you'll be happy to know that you can set up Parental controls to prevent him from ordering any more

Her: Good!  Let's set that up now

Me: *walks her through setting up parental controls*

Me: Well, it looks like you bills are being shipped out regularly, so I'm not sure why you've not been receiving them

Her: *laughs* I think I know where they've been going.  My son is the one who has been bringing in the mail all summer.

Me: Ah.  I see.  you think he's been hiding the Shaw Bill so you won't see that he's been ordering movies?

Her: Yes.  I bet they are stashed with his report card

Me: Well, thank you for choosing Shaw, have a nice day.

 

 

[Canukistani]

Rep: Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can I help you?

Him: Yeah, I thought I was going to have my UFC charge reversed

Rep: You did sir.  the UFC was ordered and the charge was reversed the next day

Him: Well... what is this charge for?

Rep: 4 adult titles were ordered, plus the tax, is the $60

Him: What?  What movies were ordered?

*explained time and date*

Him: I... I was out of town that day.  What movies were they?

Rep repeats titles

Him: My best friend emailed me while I was at camp telling me how hot that third one you read out was.  Can you look at his account and tell me when he ordered it?

Rep: Well... I can only do that if you are authorized on the account.

him I am.  It used to be my account.  he took it over when I moved in with my girlfriend.

Rep verifies security info

Rep: He...uh... didn't order it.

Him: Thank you.  *click*

 

[Canukistani]

an idiot who is trying to connect his X-Box to his telephone and can't figure out why it won't work.

 

Him: "My Mom said that everything goes through this one here."

Me: "Well, I'm telling you right now that it doesn't.  You're going to need to connect your X-Box to your internet."

Him: "But MY MOM said it would be fine!"

Me: "Ok... does your Mom work for Shaw?"

Him: "What?  No.  as if."

Me: "Well then, I would doubt her assessment of the situation.  I DO work at Shaw and I'm telling you it needs to be plugged into the internet.  If you want to keep the ethernet plugged into the telephone port, that's fine, but it's not going to work."

[Dunbar]

His mom

 

*laughs out loud*

[Canukistani]

Her: "I'm VERY upset that I had to wait on hold almost an hour to get through to you.  VERY upset!"

Me: "I'm terribly sorry about that.  With the wildfire destroying our buildings and hundreds of homes in the okanagan, we've been really busy today."

Her: "Fires?  what fires?"

Me: "Oh, you haven't been paying attention to the news?  Most of British Columbia's interior is on fire.  Hundres of thousands of people have been evacuated from their homes in and around Kelowna and the outlaying towns.  The military has been mobilized to fight the fire and we're re-routing comunications throughout the entire province to assist their efforts.  Basically, BC is burning."

Her: "Oh... I... Uh..."

Me: "So, how can we help you today?" *bright and cheery*

Her: "I... Um... I need to pay my bill.  Can I make a payment at your retail office today?"

Me: "Sure!  We're open until 8pm tonight.  Can we help you with anything else today?"

Her: "Uh... no." *click*

[Canukistani]

Him: "I have a couple questions regarding my bill."

Me: "Sure, what do you need to know sir?"

Him: "Ok... I JUST paid off my bill and my balance was ZERO.  WHY do I owe over $100 NOW?"

Me: "Ok... I see the payment you made sir.  Yeah... that was in May.  You've had June, July and now August's charged added to your account."

Him: "What?  How much are you guys charging me a month?"

Me: "$41.95/month."

Him: How is t so freaking high then?"

Me: "3 months charges."

Him: "So..."

Me: "June, July and August."

Him: "Oh... ok... do you accept Credit cards?"

Me: "Of course we do sir.  Let me take your money from you and you can have your cable back."

[Canukistani]

Me: Thank you for choosing Shaw, how can we help you?

Him: I need to talk to my sister in Portugal

Me: Ok... so... what's her number there?

*gives number*

Me: Ok, let me try this number

Shaw phone: FAIL

Bell phone: FAIL

TELUS phone: FAIL

Me: Hi there, sorry about the wait.  I was unable to call this number with any of my test phones.

Him: Why does Shaw fail every time?  Is this the best that Shaw can do?  Nothing?

Me Well, I tried with Shaw first and got a failure to connect message, then I tried with Bell, then I tried with TELUS.  All three phones failed to connect.

Him: I need to talk to my sister!  It's MUY importante!

Me: I'm sorry, but all the main phone providers in Canada are unable to reach Portugal right now.

Him: That's it!  I'm going to switch back to TELUS!

Me: Well... you can... if you really want to but TELUS can't call there either

Him: WHAT?  How do you know that?

Me: We have a TELUS line here.  we use it when we test connections if we have a failure on our main line.  I already tried with TELUS and it failed.

Him: I'm going to use my cell phone then and screw you all!

*click*

 

[Canukistani]

Him: "I don't understand my bill!  You people are making it deliberately confusing so I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be paying!"

Me: "Well, let's have a look here and see what's going on."

Me: "Hmmm... Ok, I think I see what's happening.  3 weeks ago you added some services, then 2 weeks ago you removed some of the services you added, then 3 days later you readded most of the services that you took off, then last week you removed different services from you account.  Sir, I'm not surprised you're having difficulty reading you bill.  You have deliberately made it as difficult as possible to read.  At this point, we're going to need to take a calculator and show you step by step what changes you made, how the billing for them changed on your account, and how it reflects on your current charges."

Him: "What?  Why is it so difficult?"

Me: "Well... when you keep changing your mind, it makes for a long and difficult paper trail.  I can tell you right now, that bill in your hand, it's accurate.  You may not be able to read it properly, but it's right."

Him: "I don't ever want to see a bill this confusing again!"

Me: "No problem.  In the future, limit yourself to only a few changes at a time, and the bill will be far less confusing."

Him: "I... I want to speak to your Manager!"

Me: "Sure.  He's really busy, but he should be able to get back to you within 24-48 hours.  what's the best number for him to call?"

Him: *click*