As Promised. . . Moon's letters to those who she wants to *stab*

[Moon Sedai]

Letter 1: A letter to my good buddy's emasculating wife. We've known him for close to 8 years. They got married 6 years ago. And he's been in a bad mood ever since.

 

Dear wife of my friend,

 

For the last several years, I have noticed a pattern. Whenever your husband calls me or my husband, it is almost always to complain about something that you’ve done to anger him. My friend used to be a chirpy, happy-go-lucky dude who enjoyed singing, music, martial arts, and hanging out with his friends. Now, he’s become a shell of a man, He doesn’t sing, he doesn’t play music, he doesn’t even smile much. Most of the time you two have been married, he has a permanent scowl on his face.

I say this all as the strong feminist woman you know me to be. You are emasculating your husband to the point that I don’t even want to know you anymore.

 

I would like to ask you to kindly stop doing the following things in hopes that my friend, your husband, recovers from his bad attitude:

 

1. Just because you are female and he is male, that does not make you always right. I say this as a fellow woman, who knows that sometimes I can be wrong and that no person is infallible.

2. Don’t gripe at my friend because he wants to spend time talking to other women. He’s not going to cheat on you, but if you keep assuming that he is, he probably will.

3. Your husband’s money and your money is not money meant to be squandered away to help your broke family pay off their mortgages. Especially when you guys are considering buying a house.

4. Stop trying to trap my friend into having children. He told you from the start that he could not have children, and that he did not want any anyway. So stop thinking you’re pregnant just because you have a stomach ache.

5. It is never, ever a good idea to invite over missionaries from your church when an orthodox Jew and a Devout catholic are visiting for dinner in hopes of converting them. If a highly educated person in this day and age is as devout as our friends-in-common, they are not going to convert. They’ve tested their faith and it has survived.

6. Stop wearing your sleep pants when you come over to our house to visit. Mr. Moon and I make the effort to wear actual clothes when you come over, please wear regular clothes to visit us as well.

7. I know your nieces and nephews are adorable. But, it embarrasses your husband when he finds out that you spend all of your mutual monies on them buying them gifts when he cannot afford to get new clothes.

8. On that note, don’t force your husband to spend his birthday money on new clothes.

9. Don’t take your husband’s cash out of his wallet. It’s tacky.

10. So is telling your husband who he can and can’t give his email address to, insisting on knowing all his internet passcodes, and not “allowing” him on Facebook.

11. If you’re going to make your husband decide between a new video game for him and going to my birthday celebration at the Renaissance Festival, you have insulted me, not him. I want him at the celebration.

12. It is never, ever a good idea to taunt your husband into beating you or to lie down underneath the wheels of the car when he wants to leave to get away from you. Especially when he has strong hormonal imbalances that make it difficult for him to control his impulses.

 

Oh, my friend’s wife, this list could go on, and on. But, even if I handed this letter directly to you, with your exact name, you’d probably say “Oh, she isn’t talking to me.”

 

Thus proving my point.

Yours,

Moon.

 

edit: Formatting.

[LilyElizabeth]

It's too bad you can't actually send this, although you're right. She would never see herself in it. Can't wait to see the others.....

[bad company]

Yeah that doesn't sound like a good circumstance to be in

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

love takes many forms, and rides a razor's edge with hate. it's difficult to understand the humans' motivations at the best of times... and this is perhaps not the best of times.

[bad company]

Your own words?

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

clearly derivative phrasing, but on the whole, as far as i know, yes.

[bad company]

Well The Smiths do say there is always someone somwhere, with a big nose that knows and trips you up and laughs when you fall

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

i'd quote you something about there being nothing new under the sun but i'm sure you've heard it many times before.

[bad company]

Like the the quote says

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

the the quote?

[bad company]

that there is nothing new under the sun

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

ah. yes. i sure could use an original thought right about now. bob said that.

[bad company]

What hasn't Bob said

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

exactly.

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

beauty walks a razor’s edge, someday i’ll make it mine

 

that's bob using the phrase much better than i could.

but most anyone can do that.

[bad company]

Then that is our new go to guy for qoutes, if we can't remember who said it it becomes bob

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

he's always my go to quote guy. but i usually know who i'm ripping off referencing.

[bad company]

You could have just put refering into speech marks

[Mrs. Cindy Gill]

i'll keep you in mind if i need an editor.

 

and... seriously, you think there are people that haven't heard the phrase? or do you think i think there are?

 

but back to moon's acrimony. enjoy.

[Moon Sedai]

Dear arrogant 10 year old down the block,

 

I know you think it is funny to knock and run away. I know, it's hilarious to pick on the odd childless couple down the street. And I know that you thought it was hilarious to throw dog mess at our doorstep.

 

But let me let you in on a little secret, kiddos.

 

Any of those pranks you're pulling on my husband and I we once probably pulled too, only better. Because no one knew it was us. You did not invent prank knocking or pulling jokes on your neighbors.

 

It does not do well for you to prank knock then hide behind the neighbor's car. We see you, and know where you live.

Your mother once called the cops on you for doing that and made you apologize to us.

Next time you might not be so lucky.

 

sincerely,

The crazy witch on the street.

[LilyElizabeth]

Silly child. Getting caught gives you no bragging rights whatsoever...

[Moon Sedai]

Especially since I'm pretty certain he doesn't have the common sense to use a baggie to pick up the doggy doo he throws at my front door.

Yes, I think he's throwing it bare-handed

 

This kid is about 9 or 10, by the way.

 

My hubby once chased the kid down the street after catching him in the act prank-knocking.

 

It's one thing to do a vengence TPing on a kid who you got in a fight with. It's another to target a single family on the street for constant pranking for no other reason than deliquency.

[LilyElizabeth]

Sounds like he's getting the worst of it.

[bad company]

That kid is a criminal mastermind

[Aust]

Moon I'm going to hire you to write a few letters for me!!!