Jump to content



Funniest thing I've seen all day...

el Nynaeve

Recommended Posts

I found these while browsing another public forum, it had me laughing so much, there were pages and pages of this stuff, I'll just post some that I found the funniest:


"Me: Julius Caesar speaking

Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X

Me: That used to be my name, now I'm known as Caesar

Debitas: (sounding resigned) Ok, well Caesar, can you tell me your date of birth

Me: How dare you take that tone of voice with the great Caesar

Debitas: What is your post code?

Me: My what? I have armies conquering the world - are you one of those saxons?

Debitas: I need to confirm your security details

Me: I have enough security - no-one can get near me

Debitas: I mean the details we have

Me: How do you know about the great Caesar?

Debitas: You used to have a capital one account, is that correct?

Me: A what? You saxons are all alike, you even named a cat food after me, stop insulting the great Caesar!!!!

Debitas: We are going to put this account forward for legal action

Me: I have the greatest thinkers of the world at my disposal

Debitas: Whatever (hangs up)"


"Me: Hello

Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X

Me: (singing) He's, In the jungle

Debitas: Eh...?

Me: The mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

Debitas: Hello?

Me: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

Debitas: Is that Mr X?

Me: (silence)

Debitas: (after a couple of mins) Mr X?

Me: (loud as can be) a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh

Debitas: (hangs up)"


"Me: Good morning, St Peter speaking

Debitas: Can I speak to Mr X?

Me: Aah, you'd like to speak to God

Debitas: No, Mr X

Me: Yes, he's known as god up here

Debitas: May I speak with him?

Me: Of course, I'll just check he's not busy with Beezlebub again

Debitas: Ok

I then keep them on hold for a few mins

Me: Hello, God speaking

Debitas: Is that Mr X

Me: I'm known as God now

Debitas: Er...Can I ask you a few security questions?

Me: Yes - I know everything

Debitas: Can I take your date of birth?

Me: I was born 13.7 billion years ago - at the same time as the big bang

Debitas: Is this Mr X?

Me: It's god my child

Debitas: Can you confirm your postcode?

Me: I'm everywhere

Debitas: Sorry?

Me: You're forgiven my child

Debitas: Is this Mr X?

Me: Are you wasting my time? I have famines and wars to sort out you know

Debitas: Can you please hold?

Me: No, I have satan on line 2

Debitas: (hangs up)"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Old but I still find it hilarious.





Frank Ney wrote:


First, a word of intro For those of you that don't really know Skippy, he's a friend of mine that, in a sad state of sobriety, decided to join the Army. He's also one of the Universe's great agents of Chaos and Discord. Feel free to email him with whatever questions you might have, and don't be concerned about whether or not he knows you or even if he understands what the hell you're talking about. I don't. BTW: Skippy is in Psyops. The first time I met him he was wearing a kilt made of fruit roll-ups. Now, on to the list!



1) May not watch 'South Park' when I'm supposed to be working

2) My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'

3) May not threaten anyone with black magic

4) May not challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair

5) May not get silicone breast implants

6) May not play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer

7) May not add 'In accordance with the prophecy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me

8) May not add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters

9) Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'

10) Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time

11) Not allowed to join the communist party

12) Not allowed to join any militia

13) Not allowed to form any militia

14) Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo

15) Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

16) Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'

17) God may not contradict any of my orders

18) May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty

19) May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime, even if I'm right

20) Must not taunt the French any more

21) Must attempt to not antagonize SAS

22) Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'

23) Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24) Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true

25) Must never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one

26) Must never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!''

27) May not tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne)

28) May not take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times)

29) The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'

30) Not allowed to wake any Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash

31) Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions

32) Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post

33) Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34) (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35) Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Mega-Deth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

36) Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over)

37) Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'

38) Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'

39) Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40) I do not have super-powers.

41) 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message

42) Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43) Camouflage body paint is not a uniform

44) I am not the atheist chaplain

45) I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg Boulevard and shake Daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'

46) I am not authorized to fire officers

47) I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states

48) I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision

49) Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'

50) Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours

51) Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations

52) Not allowed to yell 'Take that, Cobra!' at the rifle range

53) Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket' at the rifle range

54) 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

55) An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit

56) An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

57) The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

58) The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence:


· Budding sexuality

· Necrophilia

· I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead

· Sexual lubrication

· Black earth mother

· All marines are latent homosexuals

· Tantric yoga

· Gotterdammerung

· Korean hooker

· Eskimo Nell

· We've all got jackboots now

· Slut puppy

· Any references to squid.


59) May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60) `The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

61) If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine, it means he outranks me. It does not mean `I have been promoted three more times than you'.

62) "It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission" no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63) Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64) Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65) There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66) There is no `Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia

67) I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68) I may not line my helmet with tin foil to `Block out the space mind control lasers'

69) May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70) I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71) I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72) May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73) No military functions are to be performed `Skyclad'.

74) Wood is not camouflage makeup.

75) May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76) "Teddy Bear Teddy bear turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77) The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78) I may not call block my chain of command.

79) I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80) Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81) May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82) May not form any press gangs.

83) Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84) Must not use military vehicles to `Squish' things.

85) Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft Bragg sniper incident.

86) May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the `field of honor'

87) If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88) Most not refer to 1st Sgt as `Mom'

89) Must not refer to the Commander as `Dad'

90) Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91) I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92) When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony `Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

93) Nerve gas is not funny.

94) Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95) I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96) `Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

97) Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98) The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not `Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

99) A smiley face is not used to mark minefields.

100) Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101) I may not bury mice with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...