The Roast of Kathana Trevalaer

[Shendare]

But there could be a combining of the two. Vest, jacket, and top hat count as three pieces, right?

[JenniferL]

As long as you remember that underpants are a kind of pants.

[BenTGaidin]

So Barm asked me to roast Kathana for this event, and after much poking by lovely Aes Sedai (Yes, I _do_ procrastinate just for the pokes… *grins*) I should probably get to it -- after all, it is the duty and privilege of the Warders to serve the White Tower.

 

To start, take one Amyrlin, and apply a pudding glaze. Preheat your roasting oven to 425 degrees, and…

 

What do you mean, not _that_ sort of roast?

 

Ah, well. In that case, what can I say about someone who’s been Amyrlin almost as long as I’ve been a Warder, other than that she’s probably entitled to almost as much respect as she thinks she is. I’m not sure how she convinced Jason to give her the job in the first place, although I think she threatened to dump hot coffee in his lap… Or was that promised to? I’m never quite sure.

 

Over the years, she’s brought many improvements to our Tower. The pudding mines have been a major boon to the city’s industry, when we’ve been able to divert it from the Amyrlin’s quarters. Her introduction of the Silly Story to the local gleemen has provided hours upon hours of risqué enjoyment. And of course, leadership style has led the Hall to forget her entirely in times of crisis… Err, I mean, has led to a golden Age of spin-off Towers… Err, I mean, has provided for a drastic reduction in Tar Valon’s pigeon population… Err, I mean, let’s just say her leadership has proven (thankfully) unique.

 

There’s more I could say, but since she’s still caught up on her blackmail payments, I think we’ll save that for another time. Instead, let’s just all be happy that she didn’t Break things when she left…

 

[Liitha]

this just keeps geting better and better *lol*

[Nynaeve]

Well, see, I think BenT is confused. What with never posting, he forgets that there is no space limit for posting here, like in MSN. I'm guessing that's why he didn't roast the rest. I mean, one of his creepy grins would have at least meant he tried. But what you gonna do, really? :P

 

 

Nyn

[Toy and Minion]

That can't be all.  *kicks the roasters into gear*

[mmeeshal]

Oooo, I see that Kathana's online.

 

*nibbles Kathana*

 

I just want to make sure you're as tasty as you look. ;)

 

And that you don't slip out the back door in the silence.

[Emperor]

Wow... I skimmed through the parts about me and skipped the rest because it wasn't important.  I would like to state this is a roast and I won't hold back punches cause it shows how much I care.   

 

Who should I start with...  How about Mystica... Oh Myst... you who take the simplest statement and turn it into a full fledged argument.  I remember this one time when I said the sky was blue and she misunderstood and we argued a month with me about the shade of blue and how much I smell!  Also, looking at the line up... how did you make the cut?  Next we are going to add Verbal or Zashara...

 

Wait Zash is a presenter too?  Actually Z is a good friend of mine.  Anyone that comes over and throws up on your couch twice really creates a lasting friendship.  But seriously, she has been at DM for like 1 week.  And for 6 days of that week she has been AWOL. 

 

Speaking of AWOL, it is great to see Jason post! It really is sad how excited we get when he comes about every year and posts something for us to read.  I mean I eat it up and mark my calendar for the next time he will make an appearance.  Good to see you boss!  It also makes me sad he talked about Nyn's boobs and never mentioned me...

 

Hey that creates a great segway into Nyn and her boobs.  I am surprised she even has photos with her face anymore and hasn’t just zoomed in completely on her chest.  That would be like me having a signature that is zoomed on the crotch area… oh wait… I do over at TV.net… 

 

Ben T... you Grin alot.  I gotta admit no one else knows that much more about you.  Oh yeah!  You are also the go to guy for pronouncing the Old Tongue which is just about as useful as speaking Klingon and a lot lower on the geek food chain.... really I am just jealous... shhh...

 

Muirenn, you are awesome for a giant.  I actually can't remember how tall you are in person and can only recall photos of you next to your husband.  Ok that was a dig more at Az but that is how I roll.  Everyone should have a pocket panda.

 

Puddles you are up next!  For those of you that don’t know she got that nickname because she peed herself when we were in New York together.  See Dwyn, THAT is using the same joke over and over.  It is not my fault it is still funny.

 

Barm, my man.  The best day of your life is when I figured out your mailing address and the surprises you get from me.  The best day of my life was when I sent you a hearing aid magazine and then you told me how you were deaf.  I SAID, A HEARING AID MAG… oh nevermind.  I will admit in public that you are funny though. 

 

This brings me to the woman of the hour, Kathana.  I see a little bit of all the previous presenters in her.  A geeky, asian loving, drunken, quite funny, breast showing (at least to me… what up!), always-absent-around-convention-time, lady (the lady was to draw Dwyn in… I know it was weak).  It is this reason, the way she can relate to us all, that makes her not only a great leader here at DM but an inviting person we all respect.  She inspires us all to be better at whatever we aspire to do.  I am grateful to count her as a friend.

 

*drops the mic and walks off*

 

[JenniferL]

I'm not offended at all, Brian. You fail.

[Nynaeve]

He really does, doesn't he?

 

You can tell he's busy  lol

 

 

 

Nyn

[JenniferL]

So it's been almost a month. I can't retaliate until this is done. Come on!

[Zashara]

See how far down this "Kathana" lady is on my priority list? It takes me a long time to even get around to her lameness. Anyways, she's not important, I still have to get around the rest of the lameos on the list, which involves skimming Empy's post to see who all they are.

 

Emp, what a place to start. Actually, his lameness is self-evident. This one time he stalked me and wanted me to become his second wife and the only reason I'd even consider it is because Yveva is really hot. Yeah, Emp wishes he was a good friend of mine, but I just use him for a couch to throw up on.

 

Myst is this person, who's apparently a Red and likes to bite people and things. YOU CAN GET AN STD LIKE THAT MYST. Especially if you bite that thing that goes by the name of Kathana.

 

I dont really know Jason. He hasn't banned me yet, which is good. Jason plays Magic with these cards. Seriously? who plays games with cards these days, we're in the era of technology, an era that makes it possible to insult someone you dont even know about their lame card games.

 

Dwyn. What would Zasha do INDEED? You win an awesome award and a free pass from mockery, for now at least.

 

BenT. I met him at dragon*con, and ... wait who are we talking about again?

 

Muirenn bonded me and then said she'd punch me in the face if I made fun of her. She didnt, but you can see her saying that, cant you? In Muir's defense, her lack of posting makes me look awesome.

 

Nyn doesn't talk to me anymore. I think she was intimidated by my awesomeness at dragon*con. Nyn doesnt talk much in Real Life at all, but she talks alot online. I think its because her fingers have some kind of diarrhea that isnt talked about in nice circles (note that this isnt one of those places).

 

Barm thinks he's funny, but he's really not. End of story. He also begged me to post, it was kind of embarrassing :(

 

Anyways back to Kathana. This one time, I caught Kathana with this guy name Jimmy who looked 19 and as a concerned citizen asked "What are you doing with the 19 year old?" her response was "whatever i want." scandalous. what will the children think? yes, i know you are shocked that she actually teaches children, corrupting the next generation is what I think it is. She's trying to create an army to enforce her wishes that Mat will die on page 317. Thankfully, she's not really good at this whole evoking loyalty business, or her "loyal" Org members wouldnt be posting all her dirty secrets.

 

 

Kath, you're pretty awesome. We need to play rockband together (its the geek ritual of cementing relationships). You always manage to amuse me and you have a huge heart. I'm glad I joined DM and got to know you. I'm sorry I tried to con your husband into throwing a party for a bunch of single, attractive girls when you weren't around, actually I'm more sorry the party didnt happen.

 

OH WE STILL HAVE TO GET DRUNK TOGETHER.

[Mystica]

*bites Zash* now you can suffer with me. Only I won't suffer, just you will and I will laugh and drink lots of stuff and point at you while you die horribly and slowely. Hey, maybe that will bring Muir to post around here again.... Who knows, she might even refer to her reddiness again.

 

*bites again* -harder-