Shack o' News

[Dunbar]

So another week etc. Today, my dearest, I don't have all that much time, seeing as I am in the land of the U, S and A, doing stuff. THEREFORE, THIS WEEKS NEWS POST MIGHT BE SOMEWHAT LACKING IN QuALITY?

 

If it is, I hope you'll forgive me.

 

ANd now for something completely different:

 

THE NEWS

 

First off, Norway sucks at football, now proven by humiliating draw against Iceland, the 97th worst football nation in the world. Er, soccer? With this loss, all hope of Norway in the World Championship, to be held next year in hot, hot South Africa disappears, like a wisp of mist in the sun. The disappointing 1-1 draw left football-Norway shaking it's head disappointedly. Man, we totally suck.

 

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

The hope of a spot in the championship, which was already hanging by a thread, was utterly crushed by the embarrasing result. Not only were the Icelandic team at the bottom of our group, but Norway had just played a strong match against Scotland, demolishing them 4-1. How did this happen!? Nobody seems to know. I'll just go on rooting for Russia.

 

:'(

 

 

 

IN OTHER NEWS, THAT AREN'T SO NORWEGIAN!

 

Um.. WILL COME AT A LATER POINT TODAY!?

[Edielin]

DEMI RESPONSIBLE FOR WORST DEFEATIN NORWEGIAN HISTORY?  :P

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here, and I hope you like the news I bring.

 

[glow=orange,2,300]The News[/glow]

 

German brothels offer discounts for ‘going green’, take public transit or ride you bike next time you are in the mood for some paid-nookie and you will get the ‘green’ discount.  To qualify, customers must show the receptionist either a bicycle padlock key or proof they used public transit to get to the neighborhood. That knocks the price for 45 minutes in a room, for example, to C65 from C70.

 

And for my second story

 

Man Convicted In Orange Rabbit Pedicab Hit-and-run

 

he Mercedes driver testified he didn't see the 6-foot-tall orange rabbit driving a pedicab because he was fumbling for a dropped cell phone. (He thought it was just the shrooms)

 

Pedicab driver Kate Altermatt tells The Oregonian she finds that hard to believe, noting she was wearing a bright orange bunny suit - for Easter - and her Cascadia Pedicab was lit up with reflectors and a blinking red light. She says the crash sent her flying and totaled the pedicab.

 

She confronted the driver Wednesday in Multnomah County Circuit Court.

 

After a daylong trial, Judge Karin Immergut found Edward Cespedes-Rodriguez guilty of hit and run driving for leaving the scene of the crash last April 12.

 

But Immergut cleared the 34-year-old Portland man of recklessly endangering another person.

 

(It is just amazing how much crazy things happen. It is beyond myself to understand people)

 

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Here is a little news for you.

 

An Army psychiatrist who opened fire at Fort Hood, Texas, killing 12 people and wounding 31 others, was shot but captured alive, military officials said late Thursday.

 

The gunman, identified as Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, was wounded at the scene but was captured alive and was in stable condition, Lt. Gen. Robert W. Cone, commanding general of the Army’s III Corps, said at a press conference late Thursday.

 

Eleven of the victims died at the scene, military officials said. A 12th died later at a hospital, NBC station KCEN-TV of Waco reported. Cone said that most of those who were shot were military but two were civilians.

 

Cone also said that a female officer who was thought to be the first responder shot Hasan and was herself wounded and had undergone surgery at a hospital. It was not clear if the officer was a military policewoman or a civilian officer.

 

Col. Ben Danner said the suspect was shot at least four times. "I would say his death is not imminent," Cone said, adding that Hasan was in custody at a hospital.

 

It initially was reported that Hasan had been killed at the scene. But Cone said at the press conference that Hasan had been in custody since the incident occurred, and there was no explanation of the earlier report.

 

Poor performance evaluation

U.S. officials said Hasan was an Army psychiatrist, NBC News reported. Defense officials said Hasan, 39, arrived at Fort Hood in July after practicing for six years at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, which included a fellowship in disaster and preventive psychiatry.

 

At Walter Reed, Hasan received a poor performance evaluation, according to an official who spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to discuss the case publicly.

 

There was no official word on motive. But Hasan was scheduled to be deployed overseas on Nov. 28, officials said. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas, said military officials had told her that Hasan was “pretty upset” about his deployment, which she said was to be to Iraq.

 

 

cstsonline.org

Maj. Nidal Malik Hassan was described as ‘upset’ about his pending deployment to Iraq.

The Associated Press, quoting federal law enforcement officials, said Hasan had come to their attention at least six months ago because of Internet postings that discussed suicide bombings and other threats. The officials said they were still trying to confirm that he was the author.

 

Medical records on file in Virginia, where Hasan was born and was registered to practice, and Maryland, where he received his medical degree at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, revealed no disciplinary actions or formal complaints.

 

(I just don't understand why someone would want to kill people, and what makes a person snap.)

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Memphis Grizzlies Continue To Insist They Have 5 Players Better Than Allen Iverson

 

 

MEMPHIS, TN—Though Allen Iverson has taken an indefinite leave of absence and even threatened to retire because of his current bench role, the Grizzlies organization maintained its stance Wednesday that the 1-7 team has five better players than the four-time NBA scoring champion and 2001 league MVP. "We're really confident about the decision to put Mike Conley, Zach Randolph, Rudy Gay, O.J. Mayo, and Marc Gasol on floor instead of Iverson," general manager Chris Wallace said of his starters, who combined have appeared in 10 fewer NBA All-Star games than the former No. 1 draft pick. "And I can't forget about our sixth man, Marcus Williams. He's been coming off the bench and putting up 4.4 points a game. He wowed us when he scored seven the other night." Wallace added that Iverson, whose 27.0 points-per-game average is the sixth best of all-time, has only 13 years of professional basketball experience compared to the 15 years of the Grizzlies' entire starting lineup.

 

So in other words the whole team of the grizzlies knows less than nothing and wants to lose.

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Blind Faith?!?!

 

ESCONDIDO, CA—Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

 

Kyle Mortensen would gladly give his life to protect what he says is the Constitution's very clear stance against birth control.

 

"Our very way of life is under siege," said Mortensen, whose understanding of the Constitution derives not from a close reading of the document but from talk-show pundits, books by television personalities, and the limitless expanse of his own colorful imagination. "It's time for true Americans to stand up and protect the values that make us who we are."

 

According to Mortensen—an otherwise mild-mannered husband, father, and small-business owner—the most serious threat to his fanciful version of the 222-year-old Constitution is the attempt by far-left "traitors" to strip it of its religious foundation.

 

"Right there in the preamble, the authors make their priorities clear: 'one nation under God,'" said Mortensen, attributing to the Constitution a line from the Pledge of Allegiance, which itself did not include any reference to a deity until 1954. "Well, there's a reason they put that right at the top."

 

"Men like Madison and Jefferson were moved by the ideals of Christianity, and wanted the United States to reflect those values as a Christian nation," continued Mortensen, referring to the "Father of the Constitution," James Madison, considered by many historians to be an atheist, and Thomas Jefferson, an Enlightenment-era thinker who rejected the divinity of Christ and was in France at the time the document was written. "The words on the page speak for themselves."

 

According to sources who have read the nation's charter, the U.S. Constitution and its 27 amendments do not contain the word "God" or "Christ."

 

Mortensen said his admiration for the loose assemblage of vague half-notions he calls the Constitution has only grown over time. He believes that each detail he has pulled from thin air—from prohibitions on sodomy and flag-burning, to mandatory crackdowns on immigrants, to the right of citizens not to have their hard-earned income confiscated in the form of taxes—has contributed to making it the best framework for governance "since the Ten Commandments."

 

"And let's not forget that when the Constitution was ratified it brought freedom to every single American," Mortensen said.

 

Mortensen's passion for safeguarding the elaborate fantasy world in which his conception of the Constitution resides is greatly respected by his likeminded friends and relatives, many of whom have been known to repeat his unfounded assertions verbatim when angered. Still, some friends and family members remain critical.

 

"Dad's great, but listening to all that talk radio has put some weird ideas into his head," said daughter Samantha, a freshman at Reed College in Portland, OR. "He believes the Constitution allows the government to torture people and ban gay marriage, yet he doesn't even know that it guarantees universal health care."

 

Mortensen told reporters that he'll fight until the bitter end for what he roughly supposes the Constitution to be. He acknowledged, however, that it might already be too late to win the battle.

 

"The freedoms our Founding Fathers spilled their blood for are vanishing before our eyes," Mortensen said. "In under a year, a fascist, socialist regime has turned a proud democracy into a totalitarian state that will soon control every facet of American life."

 

"Don't just take my word for it," Mortensen added. "Try reading a newspaper or watching the news sometime."

 

I am a christian and all for religion but this man is a little of his rocker.

[ed2funy]

So, we can just find any crazy news, and post it?

[Canukistani]

no, you find any crazy news and send it in a pm to dragonsworn1991 and he posts it and gives you points.

[ed2funy]

ok..cool...

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Senator Chuck Grassley Hurting GOP's Chances With Women At Bars

[/glow]

WASHINGTON—According to Beltway sources, the recent actions of Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) have severely, and perhaps irrevocably, damaged the ability of his fellow Republican congressmen to pick up women at the various bars and nightclubs they frequent in the D.C. area. "Historically, Republicans have faced little opposition from willing and easily impressed single females, but Sen. Grassley's untoward behavior poses a significant threat to the status quo," Republican strategist Stanley Schilling said. "Whether because of his inappropriate remarks on the [dance] floor, or his stubborn unwillingness to take no for an answer, Sen. Grassley, frankly, has few real allies in either party at this point." GOP sources also reported that they were organizing a bipartisan effort to place caps on the number of times Grassley would be allowed to ask women what time they had to be "back in heaven

 

[glow=Orange,2,300]Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide[/glow]

 

Americans who have no choice but to keep on living.

 

"We've known for some time that obesity can cause heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and other potentially life-threatening illnesses," said report author Dr. Marjorie Reese, director of UCLA's Obesity Pathology Clinic. "But the fact that obesity impedes suicide is truly troubling. It appears that the more reason people have to die, the less capable they are of doing so. They are literally trapped in their grotesque, blubbery bodies."

 

Of the one-third of Americans classified as obese, the report estimated 29 percent are too heavy, immobile, or both for suicide to be a viable option. This figure is up from 18 percent in 1996.

 

A full 70 pages of the report focus on suicide methods that are taken for granted by persons of normal weight but often present insurmountable challenges to their corpulent counter- parts.

 

 

For example, hanging oneself is most often out of the question. The report notes that a disturbing percentage of the obese are too large to ascend a footstool, too inflexible to kick it out from under them, and even if they could, are too heavy to remain atop it long enough to put their giant, flabby necks through a noose before the footstool shatters into splinters under their massive girth. Plus, as Reese writes, "even if all other variables were eliminated, the weight of these enormous individuals would probably break any indoor light fixtures or attic roof supports to which they might tie a rope."

 

Overdosing on narcotics is also impossible, according to Reese.

 

"Body fat absorbs toxins, so fat people simply cannot ingest enough bottles of sleeping pills to have any effect, much less stop their hearts," Reese said. "And slitting one's wrists in the bathtub is not an option if you can't find a butcher knife thick enough to reach the arteries under your rolls of wrist flab, or can't fit into the bathtub in the first place. All the self-loathing in the world is not going to help the obese get their meaty index fingers through the trigger guard, nor give them the flexibility to raise the pistol to their head. It's heartbreaking."

 

 

The report included detailed illustrations of extremely overweight people unable to bend over far enough to fit their heads into ovens, bobbing like corks while attempting to drown themselves, and becoming too winded scaling stairs to reach heights from which they could hurl their enormous bulk with fatal results. Another researcher at the Obesity Pathology Clinic has developed a computer model which demonstrates that even if the obese were able to jump off a skyscraper, their bodies would be "more likely to bounce than splat."

 

Yet health experts say that there is hope for these hulking individuals.

 

"The fat need to improve their eating habits and commit to a modest exercise regimen, even if it starts with just walking from room to room inside their houses," said Dianne Evans, a specialist at the Johns Hopkins Center for Public Health. "If they keep that up for six to 12 months, most of these people could lose enough weight to be able to kill themselves with relative ease."

 

But Evans warned that losing too much weight too fast could have serious repercussions.

 

"What you want to avoid is a situation where someone comes down from 320 pounds to 240 in the span of a single year, and suddenly does not have the suicidal urges they once did," said Evans, who explained that the "sweet spot" of self-hatred and physical suicidal ability is extremely small. "If they mistake their all-but-meaningless improvement for a legitimate reason to live, their fat, revolting lives may be prolonged indefinitely.

[Canukistani]

<3

[ed2funy]

Wow...those are hilarious....

[claireducky]

See one of my other posts for more information on the topic of your repeated use of the ellipsis and appropriate punctuation you should use instead.

 

Claire

/The Grammar Fade

[ed2funy]

!gnitcerroc neve t'nsi sihT

.gnihtemos ot refer tsut ton...ti od ylevitca ot evah uoY

*tsugsid ni daeh sekahS*

.edaF rammarG eht morf retteb detcepxe I

[claireducky]

I didn't see the point in saying pretty much the exact same thing in this post as I did in the other one about your use of the ellipsis.  However if you want active criticism, fine.  I'll add this post to the list of 10 I already did just in case there is any question. :P

 

".gnihtemos ot refer tsut ton...ti od ylevitca ot evah uoY"

 

("You have to actively do it...not tust refer to something.")

 

Hate to tell you, but tust isn't a word, buddy.  And in your sentence, the ellipsis is unnecessary-- a comma would have sufficed.

 

 

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Nation's Fast Food Patrons No Longer Trusted To Dispense Own Ketchup

[/glow]

WASHINGTON—In an effort to cut condiment expenses and address the gluttony, waste, and utter lack of self-restraint exhibited by Americans, officials from the fast food industry announced Monday a new policy prohibiting all customers from dispensing their own ketchup.

 

"We thought our patrons were responsible enough to handle a self-service ketchup pump," said McDonald's CEO James A. Skinner, who claimed that fast food industry leaders were partially to blame for overestimating the maturity of the American public. "However, after watching the way you disgusting people behave when entrusted with a little independence, it's clear that we made a terrible mistake."

 

"Unlimited access to ketchup is a privilege," Skinner continued, "not a right."

 

According to representatives from the nation's six largest fast food chains, Americans use more than $18 million worth of ketchup per year, with nearly $7 million of the tomato-based condiment ending up smeared on the backs of chairs, on nearby tables, or in the hair of small children, and in some cases simply spilt in large, repulsive puddles on the floor.

 

In all, some 220 factors were cited by the American Fast Food Association in their decision to remove the self-service pumps. Among them, the spectacular failure on the part of all patrons to recognize their own limits, and the tendency, among many men and women, to just squirt out the free condiment as if their lives depended on it.

 

ENLARGE IMAGE

 

From now on, those seeking extra ketchup will be required to submit a non-stained written application.

 

"We tried to treat our customers like adults, and they took advantage of our generosity," said Burger King CEO John W. Chidsey, who was visibly upset after hearing that Americans use on average 14 ounces of ketchup per fast food meal. "What's wrong with you people? Were you scared it was going to run out or something?"

 

"Look, it's not even about the ketchup, okay?" Swette added. "It's about setting some boundaries for once."

 

Beginning Nov. 12, all participating fast food restaurants will begin serving a maximum of two ketchup packets with any hamburger-based meal. If a patron desires additional ketchup, he or she will have to fill out a special three-page Ketchup Request Form, which must then be presented to a manager on duty for evaluation.

 

In addition to specifying the reason for their request, customers will have to present fast food officials with two forms of valid ID, their social security number, and a signature from a third-party witness who can attest to there being enough remaining ketchup-free food to necessitate an additional packet. Only when all conditions are met will a patron receive a condiment voucher.

 

Patrons requesting barbecue sauce to dip their fries in will be escorted from the premises immediately.

 

"Our scientists don't spend countless hours manufacturing the food we serve just to have it dunked and drowned in obscene amounts of ketchup," said J. David Karam, president of Wendy's International. "Can customers even taste the dipropyl ketone or amyl acetate in our food anymore? It makes me sick."

 

Reaction to the new condiment policy has been overwhelmingly negative thus far, with some patrons claiming they would sooner eat lunch at home than frequent a fast food establishment that imposes limits on their ketchup consumption.

 

"This is outrageous," said Tennessee resident Sheila Hodge, a longtime fast food consumer. "If I want to gorge myself on so much ketchup that I need to vomit, then that should be my God-given right. This is McDonald's we're talking about. Half the reason I come here in the first place is so I can behave like a total animal."

 

At press time, the Arby's chain was continuing to let customers freely operate their "horsey sauce" dispenser, as nobody in America has touched that shit in years.

 

*************

 

 

[glow=orange,2,300]Socialites Without Borders Teach Rwandans How To Mingle

[/glow]

KIGALI, RWANDA—In an effort to provide relief to a people devastated by civil war, genocide, and poverty, members of the humanitarian aid group Socialites Without Borders spent several hours this week teaching destitute Rwandans how to mingle.

 

Volunteers are hopeful future generations may one day know how to properly lift a champagne flute.

 

"These poor souls, there's so much we can do to help to them," said Tinsley Rothschild, an event planner for the non-profit organization, while surveying the country's bleak and arid landscape. "Just look around, there's nothing here: no hors d'oeuvres, no towering ice sculptures, nothing. Nobody should have to live like this."

 

"I bet most of these people have never even seen a Bellini, let alone know how to sip one," Rothschild continued. "Unless we do something fast, these men and women stand no chance of surviving a high-society dinner party."

 

Arriving on private jets from their headquarters in Martha's Vineyard, volunteers from Socialites Without Borders touched down in northern Rwanda early Sunday morning. Following an extravagant luncheon held in their honor, the charitable luminaries were driven by limousine to a nearby refugee camp, where they provided impoverished villagers with emergency lessons in everything from making small talk, to name-dropping, to drastically improving one's life by marrying a wealthy steel magnate.

 

"Always remember to keep things light and breezy when mingling," Danielle Watters, a real estate heiress, was overheard advising a group of war-ravaged amputees. "Talk about where you recently summered, or what boarding school you went to. When you feel at a loss for words, perhaps try remarking on the stunning architecture of the tent you're in."

 

Ordinary Rwandans have been urged to put aside any latent tribal hostility and never forget to place water goblets to the left of red wine glasses.

 

While the outreach program stresses the fundamentals of being a warm and friendly host, the socialites were reportedly concerned when several Rwandan villagers failed to make eye contact, exchange pleasantries, or offer flattering compliments when prompted. More disturbing was the apparent lack of effort shown by many of the emaciated citizens to appear fascinated by the conversations going on around them.

 

"What I witnessed was appalling," said Adelina Thornton, an accomplished equestrian, who was moved to tears by the sight of a young orphaned child dressed in horizontal stripes. "Not a single person expressed any interest whatsoever in how long our estate has been in the family."

 

Added Thornton, "The people here are even worse off than we could have imagined."

 

Despite initial concerns, volunteers reported that some progress was made by Monday afternoon, with many pointing to the look of elation and joy on the faces of several men and women moments after being shown the proper way to hold stemware. In addition, the fact that many Rwandans seemed to already know how to speak French seemed promising, if nothing else.

 

Still, sources said, the work ahead of them was astronomical.

 

"That is not how we eat a deviled egg," said volunteer Yvonne Chantecaille, playfully knocking the protein-rich appetizer from an elderly villager's hand. "We do not gobble it up. We savior the complexity of flavor profiles, and leave the garnish around it alone."

 

"Also, we do not bring up how a senseless genocide ravaged our family, leaving scores of dead as far as the eye can see," Chantecaille added. "Not even over dessert."

 

Due to Rwanda's widespread unemployment and limited access to basic necessities such as food and clean water, Socialites Without Borders made it their top priority to rebuild the nation's confidence. The volunteers reportedly boosted the self-esteem of poor Rwandan farmers by referring to them as "organic agriculture tycoons," while women suffering from Hepatitis A were touched up with foundation to conceal their jaundiced appearance.

 

"See—all better now," said Roberta Furlein, wife of steel magnate Michael Furlein, applying makeup to the face of a sickly Rwandan woman. "A little bit of color was all you needed."

 

Furlein, who has donated more than $20 million to improve living accommodations for Columbia University students, blamed the sub-Saharan nation's education system and illiteracy rate for many of its current problems.

 

"Reading is so important to bettering yourself," Furlein said. "No one here seems to ever look at New York Times style section, or even Vogue for that matter."

 

Added Furlein, "It's scary, but I don't think people here even knew who we were."

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

This story is courtesy of the lovely and awesomely amazing Eli

 

[glow=orange,2,300]Google phone in Blade Runner name row

[/glow]

 

An image of the 'Google phone' published by a Google employee on Twitter.

As images of the hotly anticipated new Google phone bombard the blogosphere, revelations that it will be named Nexus One have dismayed the family of a famous science-fiction writer.

 

Isa Dick Hackett, daughter of author Philip K. Dick who wrote the novel that inspired the Blade Runner movie, said in an interview that she was “shocked and dismayed” by reports that the company had named its new smartphone Nexus One.

 

The new Google-branded phone will run on Google's own Android operating system, and is expected to be a strong rival to the iPhone.

 

As president of the arm of Dick's estate that handles film adaptations and the licensing of materials, Hackett told The New York Times she believed the name had “a very obvious connection” to her father's novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, which centres on a generation of rogue Nexus-6 robots.

 

“We were never consulted, no requests were made, and we didn't grant any sort of permissions,” said Hackett, who is taking legal counsel on the matter.

 

Google is yet to make an official announcement about the name of the Nexus One, but it has already been sighted in two official documents.

 

One of these was issued by HTC, widely reported to be the manufacturer of the device. The New York Times has also revealed that Google filed a patent application for Nexus One with the US Patent and Trademark Office.

 

After weeks of rumour and speculation about the device, the company revealed it was testing a new mobile device last week among its employees, which has led to a proliferation of images and video clips of the smartphone on YouTube.

 

Market watchers are anticipating that Google will sell the device as an unlocked and unsubsidised smartphone.

 

“Given the lack of carrier subsidies and the fact that it's a GSM device, this is likely going to have much more significance outside of the US where GSM is the near-ubiquitous standard and where consumers are more used to the notion of acquiring phones independent of their carrier, said Jonathan Yarmis, a researcher at Ovum.

 

“This to me is the business model story. Selling a high-priced device is not very interesting. Selling a device that's subsidised by being an advertising platform as compared to being subsidised by a carrier is the news here,” he said

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

Will have pictures for the above when photobucket wants to cooperate with me

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=orange,2,300]Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together

[/glow]

RUTLAND, VT—In what has become an annual holiday tradition, the dysfunctional Dawes family came together Sunday to sit in front of the TV and watch touching, feel-good family dramas in stony silence.

 

The Dawes grimly watch It's A Wonderful Life.

 

"We see each other so rarely," said Nicole Dawes, 44, whose three children were all home from college. "It's so nice to all sit down together and have a peaceful time. And [son] Kevin didn't bring up that awful new girlfriend of his once the entire time."

 

Following a special holiday dinner of turkey, artichokes, and spiced yams, Nicole and sullen daughter Gabrielle, an 18-year-old freshman at the University of Vermont, were put in charge of selecting the movies to watch. The two shared a wordless 10-minute car trip to their local Blockbuster video store, where Gabrielle ruled out most of her mother's choices as "stupid" or "lame." Tired of saying no and eager to leave the store, Gabrielle finally assented to the holiday classic It's A Wonderful Life and the 1994 remake of Miracle On 34th Street.

 

"I can't believe we got Miracle On 34th Street again," Gabrielle said. "Still, it's better than some of the other stuff my mom was pulling off the shelves. I mean, The Santa Clause? How gay is that? I hate Tim Allen."

 

Added Gabrielle: "I wish we hadn't gotten It's A Wonderful Life. It's so long. Besides, why would anybody pay actual money to rent that thing when it's on TV, like, a bazillion times every December?"

 

Upon Nicole and Gabrielle's return, It's A Wonderful Life was promptly inserted into the living-room VCR. Familiar with the annual routine, the family members huddled around the TV without exchanging a word, just as they have since the holiday tradition began in 1991.

 

As the movie played, Kevin, 22, a senior at Southern Vermont College, paid little attention, wrapped up in thoughts of his impending graduation. The few times he did focus on the film, it was to negatively compare his own family to the Baileys.

 

"That movie always makes me think about how if dad's hardware store lost $8,000 like George Bailey's bank did, it'd totally tear us apart," Kevin said. "He'd probably blame us and drag us all down with him. Good thing he isn't trusted with much money at his job."

 

Following the conclusion of It's A Wonderful Life, an awkward 80-second silence occurred as the videotape rewound. The silence was briefly broken by daughter Gina, 20, who remarked that the evening's dinner had been "really good." Peter, her father, grunted in agreement.

 

As Miracle On 34th Street played, Peter sat in rapt attention, pushing aside anxieties about work, aging, and his chilly relationship with his children.

 

"The original was one of my all-time favorites," Peter said. "I was trying to spot the differences between the two. I was just glad to have something to focus on besides trying to make conversation with the kids. I have no idea what they're up to these days. Jesus, they're all grown up, able to vote and all. I wonder if they hate me."

 

Some 40 minutes into the movie, having consumed three snifters of brandy, Peter fell asleep.

 

When the second movie finished, the three children claimed exhaustion and trundled off to their childhood bedrooms, feigning excitement for the following day's Christmas-tree-shopping excursion.

 

"It's good to see all the kids together under one roof. It reminds me of when they would all watch cartoons together growing up," said Nicole, wiping a tear from her eye. "I love the holidays.

[claireducky]

Well.  THAT was depressing.

[Krakalakachkn]

that got me into the holiday spirit

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

I am still techiinacally on LoA/Limited activity but I will try to post as many stories as I can.

 

[glow=orange,2,300]Woman Domesticated[/glow]

 

These once-wild specimens were eventually broken, bridled, and put to work.

 

Though for years women had roamed free throughout most of Asia, Europe, and Africa, experts estimate that by around 3,000 BCE men had begun putting them to work.

 

"A valuable commodity with seemingly endless uses, the woman has played a crucial role throughout human history," noted historian Alan Helbling said. "Not only could she be trained to perform a variety of tasks, but once her spirit was broken and her energies reined in, she could be taught to come whenever she was called."

 

"They're really quite magnificent creatures," Helbling added.

 

While initially wild, with their own stubborn ideas and desires, Helbling said that women slowly learned to submit to instruction, and over time, showed less and less resistance when being forced to mate. In addition, raising a woman to maturity was considered low maintenance, which meant that a man could expend little effort when attending to her care and feeding.

 

Eventually, women were brought inside the home to provide companionship, and some even became a part of the family.

 

Anthropologist Jeremy Murphy claims that, to prevent the wilder women from running away, men limited their freedom by training them to stay in enclosed spaces for long periods of time. According to Murphy, disobedience on the part of women was not taken lightly; physical punishments and restrictive harnesses were often employed to curb any independent behavior.

 

"With the creation of the corset, man was further able to control his growing stable of wives and daughters, and could parade them around without ever having to worry about keeping them in line," Murphy said. "The corset, along with the many other yokes and straps that followed, provided a physical reminder of who was boss."

 

For most of the 18th and 19th centuries, women continued their work in the field and at home, often showing little sign of their once liberated nature. However, by the mid-20th century, a number of strange occurrences were reported: Spooked by the growing civil rights movement and loud protests taking place across the country, hundreds of women suddenly broke free from their restraints and, for the first time in millennia, ran wild, joining four-year colleges and professional workplaces along the way.

 

The majority have yet to return.

 

"They'll come back—you'll see," cried Kentucky resident Dale Berring, who saw his woman leave for greener pastures almost 10 years ago. "And when they do, there'll be hell to pay."

[ed2funy]

Oh dear god...that was hilarious...

[Guest dragonsworn1991]

[glow=Orange,2,300]Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels[/glow]

 

NEW ORLEANS—Acknowledging years of marital dissatisfaction and a noticeable increase in her vampire husband's weight, 43-year-old Sara Pastor told reporters Thursday that she often seeks solace by losing herself in the escapist fantasy of the Twilight novels.

 

 

The Pastors settle in for what has become a typical Friday night together.

 

The New Orleans resident said it's been ages since her husband, 834-year-old Andrei Pastor, bought her flowers, took her dancing, or appeared at her second-story window and charmed her into allowing him inside. According to Sara, she purchased the first book in Stephenie Meyer's young-adult vampire romance series 14 months ago, while waiting for her husband to pick her up from the airport, and has taken refuge in the novels ever since.

 

"Edward is so romantic," said Pastor, referring to Edward Cullen, Twilight's vampire hero. "He loves [17-year-old protagonist] Bella so much that he runs away from her to protect her. My husband, on the other hand, hasn't posed any kind of danger to me in years."

 

"Sometimes I wish I could just open up the pages and jump right into Bella's skin," Sara continued. "I know it's silly, but what's wrong with wanting a little romance and adventure from your undead husband?"

 

Sara and Andrei met in 1988, when, as college students, they both volunteered to organize a campus blood drive. Sara reportedly found Andrei's nocturnal lifestyle exotic and thrilling, and two years later, they were married in a nighttime ceremony guests described as a "storybook wedding."

 

At first Sara was content with her role as homemaker, cleaning the vast Gothic manse the couple shared and cooking meals that met the strict sanguinary requirements of Andrei's diet. But according to friends, things started to change a few years ago.

 

 

Sara Pastor can't even remember the last time her husband battled a wolf for her affection.

 

Sara's dream husband began spending more and more time secluded in darkened alcoves with his cape drawn over his face. Before long, Andrei—once a stealthy hunter who easily stalked young and healthy prey—started feeding excessively on any slow-moving person who happened to wander by the house, and soon ballooned to almost twice his normal weight.

 

"When we were first married, Andrei was so dark and mysterious," Pastor said wistfully. "These days, pretty much all he does is sit around swilling blood and watching ESPN."

 

Added Pastor, "Edward would never do that to Bella."

 

Now, sources close to the couple report, whenever Andrei leaves the house to feast on the vital fluids of a bedridden shut-in, Sara retreats to the fictional world of Forks, WA, often reading and rereading the same erotic passages from her dog-eared copy of Breaking Dawn.

 

"Arizona, Italy, Brazil—Edward Cullen travels everywhere for his love," said Pastor, sounding increasingly flustered. "Anytime I want to visit my family in Houston or go on a vacation, Andrei gives me the same old line: 'Sorry, but I can't risk being caught out in the sunlight.' Well, that sure didn't stop him back in 1895 when he came over here from Eastern Europe."

 

According to Sara, by last year she felt so cooped up that she took a job at a local Olive Garden "just to get out of the house." She woke each morning at 10 a.m. and came home at dusk, her clothes still smelling of garlic.

 

It wasn't long before the two started sleeping in separate coffins.

 

"Every time I get to the part where Edward reveals himself to Bella in the sunlight, I start to cry," Pastor said. "Edward is so beautiful, his skin begins to sparkle in the sun. The closest Andrei ever comes to sparkling is when sweat beads up on his chunky thighs after he's climbed a flight of stairs."

 

Though sources confirm Andrei won't entertain the idea of a divorce, it's uncertain how long the marriage can last under these conditions.

 

"If Sara wants to live in her little fantasy world all the time, that's her choice," Andrei Pastor, Vicomte of Bazargic, said when reached for comment. "She might think life is just one big fairy tale, but it's not."

 

Added the vampire, "I've been around 800 years, and I think I know a thing or two about the real world."

[ed2funy]

omfg!

:D :D :D

 

Hilarious.