I HAVE A NEW THEORY GAISE!

[Mr Ares]

That is one powerful nose!

 

But can it match the stone face of Lan???

Yes.

 

Now, on to more serious things.

LOIAL: (sat at his desk, reading from his history of the Dragon Reborn)Something was pouring from the wound in his side. He examined his coat. Blood!? Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. (Checks line)...And some pus.

 

LOIAL: (sat at his desk, reading from his history of the Dragon Reborn) Perrin stared in disbelief at the grain. It was covered in millions of maggots. Maggots!? Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. (Checks line)...Maggots. All over the grain he was hoping to buy.

 

ISHAMAEL: I was hoping for a sort of lair inside an active volcano.

BUILDER: Inside a volcano? That sounds a bit dangerous.

ISHAMEL: It's just, that's where the hole in the Pattern can be most easily felt, and I can contact my master.

BUILDER: Easy access to a hole in reality? Sorry, mate. There's just no way we're going to be able to get that past health and safety.

ISHAMAEL: Right. You don't think you could...you know...?

BUILDER: Sorry mate, more than my job's worth. I mean, I'd like to help you, I really would, but I've got a family to look after. Tell you what, I can build you a fortress. Not inside the volcano, but quite near it. I can do that for you.

ISHAMAEL: Well, alright, I suppose. I'd like to have a conference room, with a big table, and seats round it, and trapdoors under the seats so that people who fail can be tipped into....what?

BUILDER: Trapdoors under seats?

ISHAMAEL: That's not going to be a problem, is it?

BUILDER: Well, its health and safety. All these new rules and regulations. "People will get hurt", they'll say.

ISHAMAEL: Which is sort of the point.

BUILDER: Anyway, like I said, I really can't help yAAAAAAAGGGGHHH.....

His words hung in the air as death took him.

 

THOM: (This is wicked. I'm almost definitely a musical genius. Maybe a tattoo... on my chest... but... of my face. Yeahh! Double me! Feel it!)

 

RAND: (Look at me; I've got a girlfriend or three. I'm just a normal functioning member of the human race and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise.)

 

RAND: (She's looking for company after a minute of uncomfortable silence. Well, get used to it, baby. There'll be a lot more where that came from when we're married.)

[Jethro]

LAN: Okay nancy boy. We fight two fights. The first in your field of expertise, then mine. What do you chose?

 

CHUCK NORRIS: Connect four.

 

LAN: Okay. Im warning you though, Ive heard the stories and if you even try saying you win on three moves I'll cut you up! YOU AND YOUR STUPID BOARD GAME!

 

CHUCK NORRIS: Umm, I think we need a judge, someone not biased towards either of us.

 

FAILE: I will judge.

 

The game begins, Lan and Chuck both placing their cuindellar circles carefully, lining them up so they form a line. Lan places his third piece, making it so the next would win the game, smug that Chucks pieces were too near the edge to form a line of four. Chuck places his third piece, forming a line of three yellows.

 

CHUCK: I win.

 

With a cry of magnificent fury Lan throws the table up in the air, drew his sword and thrust the blade clean through Chuck Norris's face, right between the eyes. It happened so fast that Chuck actually died before he said he won. Perrin breaks down crying, having seen Lan suddenly kill Chuck for no apparant reason.

 

PERRIN: Oh my God! Hes dead! Hes dead Lan! Oh my God you're a killer, I saw someone die I WATCHED someone DIE! Why oh why oh God Im so emo Im guna go home and self harm and distance myself from my friends and family.

 

CHUCK NORRIS: *sigh* Im not dead. Im Chuck Norris, remember? Pull the sword out, Lan.

 

PERRIN: Oh my God Hes alive! Hes alive, he must be the Creator coz I watched him die oh my God Im so emo

 

LAN: SHUT YOUR FACE PERRIN BEFORE I CUT YOU UP!

 

Suddenly Faile leaps at Lan face first, unleashing a terrible shriek of jealousy and high mainenance. With a sickening thunk she impaled Lans face on her nose, right between the eyes.

 

PERRIN: OH MY GOD HES DEAD I CANT TAKE THIS!

 

LAN: Pull the nose out, Faile! I could take you and Chuck on my own as easily as Perrin could fail to deal with his emotions.

 

PERRIN: *slashes wrists*

 

HERID FEL: Hmm, strange how both Lan and Perrin became the Dark One near the end, due to Caps Lock.

[Builder]

Oh man I laughed so hard. God, I got tears in my eyes now! HAHAHAHA!!!

 

SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I AM SHAI'TAN GUYS, DON'T YOU REMEMBER? I CALL MYSELF BUILDER, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I AM FATHER OF ALL LIES, REMEMBER?

 

ANYWAYS, I'VE BEEN COLLECTING MUSHROOMS FROM THE SIDES IN THE TUNNEL THAT LEADS TO ME INSIDE SHAYOL GHUL, AND I'VE COOKED UP MY OH SO FAMOUS DELICIOUS STEW OF MUSHROOMS. MUSHROOMS ARE BELIEVED TO BE ONE OF THE MOST NUTRITIOUS PLANTS EVER*, SO COME CHECK IT OUT.

 

 

 

*note for the uninformed. Mushrooms contain absolutely no nutrients, and the only reason humans eat them is because it tastes good.

[metria31183]

*note for the uninformed. Mushrooms contain absolutely no nutrients, and the only reason humans eat them is because it tastes good.

 

Oh believe me, I can come up with another reason why human's eat mushrooms.

[Lord Nik]

*note for the uninformed. Mushrooms contain absolutely no nutrients, and the only reason humans eat them is because it tastes good.

 

Oh believe me, I can come up with another reason why human's eat mushrooms.

 

Yes. we can.

 

We eat mushrooms because.

Demandred... Is... Moiriane

 

You see when you break down Demandred you get

Dea - Man - Dred

 

Man starts with M which also starts with

Moiraine

 

Moiraine starts with M which also starts with

Mushrooms

 

And looking back at Demandred The last part is

Dred..

which is

Dread

 

because people dread eating mushrooms and the select few people who "enjoy" eating mushrooms obviously are masochists.

 

Masochists are people who enjoy PAIN inflicted themselves.

 

Break down Pain you get

P -Ain

 

Which is in

Moir -AINE

 

And since Perrin is Moiriane

 

You take the P - errin and combine it with

 

Aine (taken from Moiraine)

 

You get PAIN...

 

Pain is Moriaine which relates to Mushrooms, Demandred, and using this logic probably everyone in Randland.

 

[Tumeric]

 

You get PAIN...

Which is short for PADAN FAIN.

 

Since he and Moiraine are obviously one and the same, and the Eelfinn and the Aelfinn are skewing Moiraine's reality, tune in for the prologue of Book 12, where the Peddler becomes the Amyrlin Seat, devalues the Tar Valon mark on the basis of a Global Financial Crisis in a world accessible only by Portal Stone - which have unfortunately all been retrenched due to the GFC.

 

Shaidar Haran resigns due to the plummetting value of his superannuation portfolio, and the Tinkers ship all their pot repairs off to Shara, where the labour rate is much cheaper.

[Builder]

OMG I am a masochist!

 

Hey, I am the DO, so that isn't very weird...

[Lord Nik]

OMG I am a masochist!

 

Hey, I am the DO, so that isn't very weird...

 

I always thought the DO more of someone who like to be at the giving end of pain not so much the receiving. :o

[Builder]

Mhm. I'm more a sadist then. Well, that's ok with ME!!

[ROB_88]

a sadist is more someone who kills puppies becasue they make a funny noise, do you kill puppies?

[Dark Justice]

I thought the DO would kill EVERYONE! Puppies, horses, swedish.... Everyone

[Jethro]

DARK ONE: I'LL KILL EVERYONE, MORIDIN. EVEN PIPS, WHOM EVERYONE HAS UNDERESTIMATED. SHE WILL BE THE TRUE NAE'BLIS.

 

MORIDIN: Yes, Great Lord, I know. But what about those who serve the Dragon? He has three servants whose power this world-nay, even you-have never faced. Lan, Faile and Chuck. Their power is beyond even my understanding, and-

 

FAILE: Ahaaaa! Were here already, arriving in such a surprising yet unrealistic manner that nobody will fully understand whats going on, not even me!

 

DARK ONE: CRUMS! MORIDIN, THIS IS THE FAILE YOU TALK ABOUT? THIS THING, THIS... UGH...I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS... BUT WHATEVER IT IS I DONT LIKE IT AND I WANT IT OUT OF MY ROOM RIGHT NOW! SHOO!

 

FAILE: How patronising. He even doesnt know Im Woody Woodpeckers brother!

 

PETER GRIFFIN: You're his brother? Dont you mean sister?

 

FAILE: Well yes, but I have a penis as well, and all these years I have never met anyone who brings out my masculinity as much as Perrin.

 

MAT: Oh man I cant wait till Perrin finds out! He'll be overdosing on paracetamol before I finish telling him!

 

NOAL: But, but, but the prophecies said you would give up half the Light of the world, not a thirtieth! My arms are starting to feel numb, and its getting hard to speak.

 

PERRIN: Oh my God, he's having a stroke! Does anyone have a phone? The advert said we have to ring 999 as soon as we see the signs! THE SIGNS! Oh my God hes guna die Im guna watch someone die why does everything happen to me

 

LAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

THE GHOLAM: Lan what have I told you about this kind of behaviour? Get to your room, you're grounded. Give me your sword.

 

LAN: But-

 

THE GHOLAM: Now Lan. Dont make me count to six hundred and seventy four.

 

ELAYNE: Come on, not even I can count that high.

 

MORIDIN: ALL RIGHT IVE HAD ENOUGH! I CANT STAND HER ANY LONGER!

 

Moridin channels Air around Elayne, lifts her into the air with the Power, and with weaves of Water he creates a sphere of water around her. Frantically she thrashes about, trying desperately to swim out of the floating sphere, terror creasing her face. Finally, with relief, Rand watched her die a slow and hopefully very painful death.

 

RAND: Thank God! If she'd have had them kids we would have had to get married. She told me she would never sign a pre-nup, and I was worried she would leave and take half.

[nnokwoodeye]

RAND: Thank God! If she'd have had them kids we would have had to get married. She told me she would never sign a pre-nup, and I was worried she would leave and take half.

 

half the Light of the world?

[Jethro]

Well spotted! That means Elayne is Mat! I knew it.

[Dark Justice]

Elayne cant be Mat. Mat is waaaay too cool.

Hes too cool for school.. (seriously... He is...)

[Builder]

I like Jethro's imitation of me  :)

[Lord Nik]

Moridin channels Air around Elayne, lifts her into the air with the Power, and with weaves of Water he creates a sphere of water around her. Frantically she thrashes about, trying desperately to swim out of the floating sphere, terror creasing her face. Finally, with relief, Rand watched her die a slow and hopefully very painful death.

 

Ding dong the witch is dead!

 

hurray! ;D

 

[Jethro]

ELAYNE: Whoa! why are you sat there naked Mat? I nearly fell on your head!

 

MAT: Giggity

[Lord Nik]

ELAYNE: Whoa! why are you sat there naked Mat? I nearly fell on your head!

 

MAT: Giggity

 

Rand says - But Elayne DIED!

 

Remember Mordin? Channeling her into a wonderful bubble of her DYING!

 

HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME! Saying shes alive then having the DO bring her back in such an unsightly manner

 

Elayne - But Rand! Our love brought me back not the dar---

 

Rand - Die Shadow Spawn! <i> He channels fire, earth, making a wave of death that incinerates Elayne a thousand times a thousand. She is no more. </i>

 

Dark One - YOU LEFT THE BIG NOSED ONE! BE GONE I SAY YOUR PRESENCE TIRES ME! BAH ILL DO IT MY SELF. <i> Darkness darker than dark shoots towards Faile, smacking her in the nose.

All light was consumed. Perrin screamed out in misery. Then! Lights blossomed in every direction! Failes Noes acting as a prism shot out lights of every colour to the ten corners of the earth!

Everyone looked around with wonder as Shayul Ghul was painted with bright hues of every colour. </i>

 

Dark One - ARGH! CREATOR DARNIT YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TIME GOT PUT INTO MY LAIR! WHICH SHADE OF BLACK HERE! GREY THERE! BAH! NOW THE TINKERS WILL NEVER LEAVE

 

sure enough the traveling people moved into shayol ghul and were never rooted out.

 

Rand and Mat went partying

 

[Builder]

Yeah, I can't go on having Tinker parties in my crib. It just doesn't suit my style, you know.

[Lord Nik]

But what will you do? They're there already and not leaving! The music is maddening the trollocs and giving the Myddraal a headache

[nnokwoodeye]

But what will you do? They're there already and not leaving! The music is maddening the trollocs and giving the Myddraal a headache

 

the Draghkar on the other hand, are having a ball. so many dancing partners...

[Builder]

Yes, but the Draghkar aren't the only guys inhabiting my hood, so I'll definitely try to get rid of the Tinkers. Oh, I just hope that it won't have to be a lot peaceful talks. I hate that. I'm just gonna order my trollocs and myrddraal to go kill those Tinkers and then eat them. I've heard they got really tender meat because they haven't really used it much.

[Lord Nik]

Rumor has it that the evil twisty beings of your party house have indeed already tried to root out the tinkers...

 

But seeing a tinker now is just as hard as finding a needle in a haystack....

except the haystack is the size of britain..

and the needles make annoying songs and keep on moving around..

damn traveling people...

[Builder]

Bah, I'm just going to make a nuclear explosion and be done with it. I can always breed more trollocs and myrdraal.