I need a laugh...

[Talya]

Thats right, a joke thread. Fed up with Football (soccer to the edumicated) Tennis, lets rip them apart in the form of humour.

 

(btw there are good sites out there for the jokes...I cheat)

 

;D

 

"Whoever thought up "It's only a game" probably just lost one. "

 

----------------

 

The team captain was rather surprised when a horse arrived and asked for a trial. The captain suggested that the horse play in a trial match which was about to begin. 'What number do you bat?' he asked the horse.

 

'I usually open,' came the reply.

 

So the horse opened the innings, clad in whites and wearing a brightly coloured cap at a rakish angle over one ear. Every ball he played in the first over was a boundary, four fours and two sixes.

 

The bowling changed and the batsman pushed the first ball he received gently to the covers and shouted 'One' as he ran. The horse didn't move and the batsman was run out. As he stalked by the horse he growled, 'It was my call. Why didn't you run?'

 

'Run?' replied the horse. 'Don't be daft, I can't run. If I could run I'd be at Ascot and not playing this bloody stupid game!'

 

 

[el Nynaeve]

A cricket enthusiast had three trays installed in his office labelled 'In' , 'Out' , and 'L.B.W.' .

 

A visitor remarked as he could see the significance of 'In' and 'Out' but what did 'L.B.W.' mean ?

 

And the cricket enthusiast replied : "Let the Bastards Wait."

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist.

 

Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?

 

Doctor: 'Get another job.'

 

Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !'

 

 

 

[Talya]

 

A football fan took his new girlfriend to a match for the first time, and answered all her questions as she inquired about the function of every player.

'And what's that man in front of the net?' she asked.

'He's the goal-keeper.'

'And what does he do?'

'He has to keep the ball from going in the net.'

'Ah. And how much is he paid?'

'Oh, about 2000 pounds a week.'

'Oh,' said the girl, 'wouldn't it be cheaper to board it up?'

[el Nynaeve]

Oh man that first one....rofl!

_____________________________________________

 

A famous fast bowler was introduced to an areb sheik who boasted that he had eighty three wives .

 

The bowler retorted " You only need two more , and you're entitled to a new ball."

 

_____________________________________________________

 

A very keen cricketer asked a divine, allegedly with good connections on high , whether there was any cricket in heaven .

 

The priest replied:"I cant tell you now , but if you come back on Sunday , I might have an answer . "

 

On sundaythe priest told the cricketer : "I've had good news and bad news . The good news is : Yes , there is cricket in heaven . And now for the bad news : You are in to bat on Friday !"

 

 

 

[Brewt]

sorry heard this from a co worker and it was amazing.

 

Whats the difference from beer nuts and deer nuts?

 

 

 

Beer nuts are 1.75 deer nuts are under a buck

[Talya]

:D...

 

join in anytime Brewt!

[Brewt]

Oh by the way, had a question while briefly reviewing forums.  The black tower, what does that entail?  Your pro black tower? Role playing? just trying to understand

[ed2funy]

The Social Groups are different from the Role Playing section.

SG's are more of a place to hang out and have fun, earn points, and take over DM.

 

*Balrefires Ed*

 

;D

 

[Little Miss]

Well there are two main types of groups on DM. The social groups and the role playing groups. This is the social one, where the group has been shaped by the users that joined and posted here. Over all the Black Tower has come to be a place for sillyness and spam :) Oh and brownies !

[Talya]

Brewt, we are the Social Group here and we are THE Black Tower. We have all kinds of members here, some channel some don't (in a fun way). Occassionally we have some light RPing..like when I Balefired Ed! ;)

We do have a theme losely wrapped around us. We are the Gaming Org, which means anything from Computer games, to board games to sports, whatever takes our fancy! We also have a One Power Fight, which is great fun!

 

Of course we are all a little mad, because of the Taint, yes even the women here, we are all about equality and we channel Saidan here. Of course the Taint has been cleansed, but for some reason it still effects us. It has nothing to do with the Brownies, thats a rumour that needs to die now... >.>

 

We have non-channelers here too, who look after us, unfortunately being in such close proximity with us they tend to go a little mad as well...

 

A predisposition to being a little nuts does help :)

[Locke]

And we're cool. *nods firmly*

[Talya]

Very cool, cooler than cool, we are cool as a really cool thing can be :D

[Locke]

*shivers*

[Talya]

quick, we need a few hobbits to make some warm coats!

[AndrewLee]

*wonders* Do you mean /hire/ hobbits to /make/ the coats? Or /make/ the coats out of hobbits?  :-\

[Talya]

Make the coats out of hobbits and the rest goes into a stew. Meesh was good at collecting them...she was our top Hobbit catcher as well as THE happy maker of the BT

[Lord of 13]

Ah... a pity the pickles have not yet avenged themselves.

[Locke]

*gives Talya a laugh*

[Little Miss]

This is an e-mail I got :D I cried from laughing so hard when I read it

 

----------------

 

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

 

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his

Lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my

Interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a

Little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of t he tazer were

Supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your

Assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

 

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I

Loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed.. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and

Pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc

Of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

 

AWESOME!!!

 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the

Face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

Couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I

Sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little

Soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed

To try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I

Thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought

Better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this

Thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

Assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses

Perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and

Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock

And disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause

Muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst

Would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

Water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,

Less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with

Two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... .?

 

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side

As to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from

Such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give

Myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my

Naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

 

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE H &*% !!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up

In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

Over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

Nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

Position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had

Never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the

Fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body

Flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note

Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

Yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your

Hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would

Be considered conservative?

 

IT HURT LIKE H &*% !!!

 

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that

Point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed

The landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

 

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my

sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I

believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a

significant reward for their safe return!

 

P.s.. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,

and now regularly threatens me with it!

 

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[Talya]

:D That was funny!!!!

 

And i can imagine most men doing that!

 

What is it with men, you know that a man cannot be left alone in a room with a tea cozy...without them trying it on their head!!!