[MOVIE] Review - New Moon (EEEEEEEE!!! EDWARD EEEEEEE)

[Emperor]

The one sentence summary:  Unfortunately, NEW MOON continues the tradition of lameness that was firmly established with the first movie.

 

If you are that one person who hasn't read the books, this might spoil things for you.

 

 

The first time we see Edward Cullen in NEW MOON (still pale with ruby red lips, and hair slightly less crazy than in TWILIGHT), he's walking through a high school parking lot in slow motion, looking like he just stepped out of a goth band's music video. For about 90 percent of NEW MOON, Jacob Black (a beefed up Taylor Lautner) is walking around shirtless, wearing only tattered sweatpants, looking like he just stepped off a gay porn set. Never having read any of Stephenie Meyer's novels about the tortured romance between Edward and human heroine Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), I may be a little late to this revelation. But seeing Edward and Jacob at their best and worst in NEW MOON made me realize that this is a film about the classic female dilemma--does she allow herself to fall for the more stable but still temperamental, hunky jock (he’s also good with machines), or does she stray to the dark gothy side of life, possibly even becoming a vampire herself (which she seems more than willing to do)?

 

But the version of Bella in NEW MOON actually made me dislike her intensely, which is bad news for the filmmakers (led by new and better director Chris Weisz). I didn't loathe Bella because she's a self-obsessed drama queen, mourning the loss of her runaway Edward who leaves her early in the film after he accidentally injures her in trying to protect her. No, I found her unappealing because she's terrible to those she cares about outside of Edward. Jacob helps her picks up the pieces of her shattered heart, ends up being her best friend, and naturally falls for her, which she seems okay with to a point. When he disappears for a time, she gets extremely upset and begs him to come back. But when Edward comes back on the scenes, she tells Jacob to leave her alone. She's also incredibly, passively cruel to one of her high school buddies, Mike (Michael Welch), who has a crush on her, asks her out, and is systematically humiliated for his trouble. I get that she's a confused, torn 18 year old, but that doesn't mean she gets to mess with people's heads and still have an audience like her.

 

There are two big revelations in NEW MOON. The first is that Jacob is a werewolf (which isn’t really a revelation to anybody), and that he's a part of a werewolf group of young men whose only mission in life seems to be to protect humans from vampire. Since the Cullens don't feed on humans, they are safe from werewolf harm. The second, far more interesting element to this universe in that of the Volturi, the ruling class of vampires that live in Italy and pass judgment on the behaviors of other vampires. If one of their rank gets a little too public, off with their head. You have to sit through most of the movie to get to the Volturi, but man are they worth it, and they are featured in the only segment of the film that would qualify as genuine fun. The great Michael Sheen (who is best known for playing Tony Blair in three films, including THE QUEEN, as well as his perfect turn as David Frost in FROST/NIXON) plays Volturi leader Aro, and he knows exactly how goofy these stories are and clearly having a blast making googly eyes at everybody while speaking in a low-grade hiss. He manages to strike exactly the right balance between camp and danger, and god is he good. I also loved an almost unrecognizable turn by Dakota Fanning as the young, evil Jane, a Volturi vampire whose ability seems to involve inflicting a great deal of pain on someone with her mind. And she seems to really enjoy her work.

 

But what about the rest of the film? First off, Weisz has made a better-looking film that TWILIGHT, which may not mean much to some, but it actually lends a lot to whatever credibility this series lacked due to the first installment. The effects are better, and the flow of the film has been improved upon (although it still feels remarkably clunky at times). Most of the blame for NEW MOON's ultimate failure to engage rests with the pedestrian script from Melissa Rosenberg, which blows me away a bit because Rosenberg is easily the best writer on the Showtime series "Dexter." The poor writing really stands out during Bella’s god-awful narration, which comes across a the worst kind of immature diary writing melded with low-grade soap opera emotions. Episodes of “Dark Shadows” had more of an emotional pull than Bella’s musings.

 

Perhaps the more obvious problem with the film is that the two male leads aren't very good actors. Pattinson shows no range or depth at all in his portrayal of Edward. He's angst-ridden from top to bottom, even when he's supposed to be happy. And with a much higher-profile role this time out, Lautner reminds us in no uncertain terms that he's an actor with almost no experience beyond his child-star roots. I'm sure he'll get better as the years go on, but probably not in time to save this series. It's clear he worked his ass off since the first film to build up his musculature to play this part more convincingly. Too bad he didn't bother to work to strengthen his acting muscle while he was at it.

 

I know a lot of people have it out for Kristen Stewart, especially with her constant chronic hair tugging often substituting for an actual performance. But the fact remains that I've always admired her as an actor (watch the recent ADVENTURELAND to see how effective she can be full of gloom and doom). The way her character is written is as a lonely and brokenhearted teen who sits around her room for months and stays away from her friends. She also becomes an adrenaline junkie when she realized that a memory-cloud version of Edward appears whenever she does something death defying. Lucky girl. Some of the things Stewart is required to do and say in this movie are downright embarrassing (her line to Jacob “So, you’re a werewolf” comes to mind), but she handles the task admirably and clearly respects the character on some level.

 

It also hurt a little to, once again, see talented supporting actors utterly marginalized in this movie. A prime example is Anna Kendrick, playing Bella's best human friend Jessica, who has one decent scene in NEW MOON. But wait until you get to see her in a leading role in Jason Reitman's UP IN THE AIR next month. She's unbelievably strong in that part and largely dismissed as a shopping-addicted teen in NEW MOON. Maybe that's the way her character is written in the book, but it feels like squandered resources. I feel the same way when I see Elizabeth Reaser and Peter Facinelli (ma and pa Cullen) or Graham Greene as the wise Native American Harry Clearwater. There are no small parts, I get it. But these talents deserve better material and more screen time.

 

The story seems like it simply alternates between depression and posturing. But the good news is that when the character of the clairvoyant Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) returns to Bella's life and the pair head off for Italy to visit Edward with the Volturi, the film gets a whole lot more interesting. The promise of more Volturi alone gives me something to actually look forward to in future TWILIGHT Saga installments. Unfortunately, NEW MOON continues the tradition of lameness that was firmly established with the first movie. And while I know I said this new film is an improvement, it's still not very good. I'm sure it will made assloads of cash. Have fun.

 

[Far Dareis Mai]

It seems a fair review. Incredibly better than the first movie; the special effects were actually very impressive (says one who isn't really into action sequences), and even the lighting, colors, and cinematography on a very basic level is just plain better. The movie focuses less on the whole emo/teen angsty high school stuff, and more on the idea of Bella trying to move on, and the werewolves.

 

I thought it was entertaining to watch. It was by no means a great movie, but it wasn't by any means a bad movie either.

 

I have to say that the Volturi were very fun to watch. Michael Sheen's interpretation of Aro is spot on, and he does creepy exceptionally well.

[Krakalakachkn]

I'm just really excited to see Michael Sheen as Aro.  I've always thought he is a brilliant actor and one of the most under-acknowledged of his, or any, generation.

[Zashara]

I watched it and it was so much better than the books.

 

Even the craptastic writing was better than Stephanie Meyer's lack of writing ability.

[Emperor]

I am stealing this from one of my recruits over at Tar Valon...

 

 

Dear World, I have now suffered a most horrible fate.

 

My friends dragged me to the disaster of which is New Moon. This movie is by all means made for girls. Not only do they talk about love and feelings 110 % of the time, they also gave all the guys steroids and made them take their shirts off every 38 seconds. Let's not forget that the only fighting scene in the entire movie was ruind by someone leaning on the "fast forward"-button and Edward Cullen fights like a girl. What more was to be expected from a dude who wears lipstick?

 

Not to forget this part:

Bella: I'm coming.

Edward: I don't want you to come.

Bella: But I want to COME!

Edward: YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO COME!

 

The word "come" has now been forever ruined in my mind, since I will from now until eternity misinterpret it to mean something else.

 

The dialog at the end? What kind of ending is that? "Sure, I'll take your life in three years. Will you marry me?" CREDITS!!!

 

Advice to peoples in the movie

 

Bella: Practice your balance, don't fall in love with every guy you

meet and for fracks sake, what's up with the low selfesteem? Five guys at school love you, and two of them are freaking IMMORTALS!

 

Jacob: Steroids are bad for you. They'll make your weener shrink and your nuts fall off. Also, she's not only taken, but her boyfriend wants to kill you. Get it? No? Can't wait for him to rip you into small pieces of bloody fur...

 

Edward: KILL HER AND BE DONE WITH OR STOP WHINING!!! Or plug your nose or something. And stop being so perfect, you've made it impossible to impress girls... And you fight like a pansy...

 

Charlie: Your daughter is maniacally in love with a sociopath who drinks beaverblood. Send her to boardingschool in Ethiopia.

 

Every god damned indian: PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!

 

As you might have understood, I did not like this film. There's a reason there was only eight people in the cinema with the ability to grow a beard. I guess the others were also dragged there by girls who wanted to "watch a romantic movie, because that would be a reeeaallly nice thing to do  " Trust me guys, it melts your brain.

 

 

[Zashara]

I liked them with their shirts off!

[SinisterDeath]

I liked them with their shirts off!

 

Its not fair...

If a movie had as many topless women as new moon had topless guys, Theres no way it would be as widely released as new moon!

 

Blasphemy I say, BLASPHEMY!

[Silver]

Blasphemy? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

[SinisterDeath]

Blasphemy? You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

 

Course I do.

Its blasphemy against the man code.

[Silver]

To have a double standard is a blasphemy against the man code?

[SinisterDeath]

To have a double standard is a blasphemy against the man code?

 

If Thou shalt show thy man boobs, thy must be balanced by no less than one set thee female boobage.

Thus it was written.

 

Hence, it is blashpemous, not to show an equal number of female boobs to male boobs. :P

[Zashara]

A good thing that women dont follow the man code, eh?

[SinisterDeath]

A good thing that women dont follow the man code, eh?

 

The women code is insane. Mostly because it always changes to make sure the woman is right. ;)

[reyler]

the woman is right. ;)

 

That is the woman code.

[SinisterDeath]

the woman is right. ;)

 

That is the woman code.

 

Which is exactly why an intersection filled with women, during that time of the month is such a dangerous scenerio... I think when that happens, they elevate the threat level to Tangerine...

[Luckers]

To have a double standard is a blasphemy against the man code?

 

If Thou shalt show thy man boobs, thy must be balanced by no less than one set thee female boobage.

Thus it was written.

 

Hence, it is blashpemous, not to show an equal number of female boobs to male boobs. :P

 

Sorry Sin, that's not in the man code. I should know, I'm an expert on men.

 

 

the woman is right. ;)

 

That is the woman code.

 

That's not a code, darling. That's self-deception.

[SinisterDeath]

To have a double standard is a blasphemy against the man code?

 

If Thou shalt show thy man boobs, thy must be balanced by no less than one set thee female boobage.

Thus it was written.

 

Hence, it is blashpemous, not to show an equal number of female boobs to male boobs. :P

 

Sorry Sin, that's not in the man code. I should know, I'm an expert on men.

Thats a slightly different man code. :P