Woohoo another scout!  ;D CC'd and welcome :D

How she found her hiding place was a blur, but Miria needed the solitude, curled up in one of the old scout tents yet to be pulled down since the construction of the barracks. It was in some ways an ironic place to find herself, back to where she started. She had never felt so utterly alone. She had come to the citadel to hide, to maybe start a new life, but she had found so much more. She had found love. And just now she had ruined every chance of happiness she had.

Remembering the way she had yelled at Kedyn made her cringe, tears forming again as she remembered his harsh words, the pain he had caused her. But she was no innocent party. She had lashed out at him, verbally and physically. How could she hurt the one she loved? She was a wretched woman, she didn't deserve happiness, and she certainly didn't deserve Kedyn's love. All she had wanted seemed to be too much. It was as she'd always secretly feared; she was no better than a thieving good for nothing.

Was it too much, to want all of Kedyn? To not have to share his heart, his love, with a dead woman? Yes, it was too much, yet she couldn't have it any other way. Constantly she wondered if she compared to Lavena, if she even marginally lived up to her image. Kedyn had told her once that she reminded him of Lavena at times, and Miria had secretly feared that she didn't quite live up to her standard, like she was a cheap imitation. It wasn't a fair thought, but it lingered and poisoned all the same.

Light, how could a ghost ruin her life? She should respect the love Kedyn held for Lavena, should understand that she would always be the second woman in his life, but once, just once, she wanted to be first. She wanted to be his everything. Kedyn was her whole world, her sun, moon and stars. And lately, she had resented more and more the shadow of Lavena, the other life where he had been happy and complete without her. The woman who no doubt would have given him the children that she hadn't.

Miria slowly rose to her feet and stepped out of the tent, into the darkness. Her steps were light, she didn't want to come across anyone tonight, least of all Kedyn. Accustomed to sneaking about in the dark, it didn't take long for her to slip past the gates and make her way to Lavena's resting place, the white marker glowing dully in the moonlight.

Considering it for a moment, Miria sat down and stared at the marker, looked at the name. And she cried, big fat tears that rolled down down her cheeks and splashed onto her knees as she hugged them. "I am so sorry for being unable to share him." She spoke through her tears, grief and anguish evident in her voice. "All I wanted was to love him, and for him to love me too. I never knew how hard it would be to share him with you." Miria swatted at a wet cheek with the back of her hand and sniffed loudly.

"I tried, light knows I tried. I wanted it to be enough." It must look ridiculous, talking to no one in the dark, but Miria had no one else to talk to, not without Kedyn. "He is my world. Without him, I have nothing. So, now I have nothing." The words brought with them a loud sob, Miria chewing on her knuckle as her tears flowed freely again. "But I guess he was never mine, not really. You still have a hold over him, you are his first love. I am...well I don't know what I am any more. But I am not you."

"I was such a fool. I was so scared of losing him that I ended up driving him away. All I wanted was to avoid this mess. He would only resent me for feeling the way I do, and I didn't want that. I want him to be happy. No, I wanted him to be happy with me. I wanted to be enough." The pain in her chest only squeezed tighter, highlighting the terrible hollow feeling inside. She had lost the only thing worth living for through her own idiocy.

"I thought he would leave me, if I didn't give him the child he wanted." The words seemed to hang heavily in the still night air. It was the first time Miria had vocally admitted the terrible fear, the secret that had put her in turmoil all these months. "I want to spend the rest of my life with him, only him. No doubt you would have given him the baby he wants. Light, I may never even be able to conceive. What then? Then...well I am not enough. Not like you were. I'm sure you didn't have to compete with a long lost lover." The words were bitter and fraught with pain, though Miria felt guilt as she uttered them, even though it was no less than the truth in her eyes.

"Sometimes, I wonder what life would have been like, if you had lived. Kedyn would be happy. And I would be the one that was dead, hung for my crimes." Did Kedyn wonder that too? Life would have been less complicated for him if Miria had never come along, if Lavena were still alive. Miria stared glumly at the silent marker. "Would that I could change things, I would." Miria whispered and dropped her head to her knees. It should have been her, not Lavena in that grave. Kedyn deserved to be happy. But life was not fair.

Miria

I'm not planning to delete anything. When I get a bit more organised and Isha dies, I'll cull the list, but I will still keep an archive of all the stuff on the site somewhere, though likely as a hidden page.

http://www.aliciawilkerson.com/blacktower/?page_id=5

You're on this page, which is the new updated page for our new home. Your bio isn't up yet though (no one's is) as that's my next project. :)

Oh, you had me confused because this thread was a rolecall for all active BT RPers ;)

CC'd :)

Wow, didn't realise we had another active civilian! Who's your char, damane?

"I wouldn't like to see you leave anyway." Smiled Miria at her new friend. It was funny, she didn't really have many close friends, besides Kedyn. She seemed to have alienated everyone in favour of him. A female friend was what she needed.

"Light knows I need an honest friend at the moment too. Men seem to do nothing but cause heartache, it seems." Miria frowned at the bottom of her empty cup as her thoughts returned to her own troubles. As much as she had been clinging to Kedyn, he only seemed to be drifting further from her, and that was devastating to her. If only she had been pregnant, none of these troubles would have happened. Then again, pregnancy would have been trouble in itself.

"Nobody ever falls in love with the knowledge that they are giving one person the ultimate power over them to hurt them, do they?" Miria sighed and signalled for another drink. "Not that it's intentional in anyway...but light, somehow things just get complicated, right when life seems to be perfect." Miria took a deep pull, savouring the burn deep in her throat as the drink slid down to warm her insides.

"I guess nothing is what it seems...sorry, I must be either boring or confusing you."

Miria

Jocelyn gasped slightly as she felt a hand close about her wrist, staying her feet. A brief surge of panic surfaced, but she hurriedly pushed it back down. This man sounded...lonely. Not necessarily mad. Still, she would be cautious, and having him touch her didn't make her entirely comfortable, especially when she could feel Rion drawing nearer through the bond.

The man began to babble, and Jocelyn relaxed slightly as he let her go, giving him another small smile. "I didn't think I recognised you. My name is Jocelyn..." Her sentence was interrupted as a strong, familiar hand grasped her own, causing Jocelyn to turn her head and smile fully up at the face of the man she loved. Light, she hoped he hadn't seen Tai holding her wrist and jumped to another messy conclusion. His jealousy did tend to run away on him at times.

"Rion, this is Tai'Dashan. He's new." Jocelyn added in way of explanation. It wasn't as though she were hunting down strange new men. "Tai, this is Rion, my uh..." How did one describe it? They weren't married, but she was living in his house, and they were bonded. She just wished she could add married to the list. "Bondmate." Smiling back at Tai, she squeezed Rion's hand, mutely conveying over the bond her love for him, hoping to quell any budding jealousy.

"It is nice to meet you Tai, I hope I didn't disturb you from...well from whatever it was you were doing." She chuckled softly, much more at ease with the presence of Rion by her side.

Jocelyn everyone wants me but Rion got me Mahrin ;)

Jocelyn could hardly resist the urge for mischief, especially when Rion was blushing in that sweet way of his. "Other things? What could you possibly mean?" Jocelyn hid her mirth and adopted an innocent look as her hands lightly stroked the base of Rion's spine. Jocelyn feigned a look of shock. "Unless...you were thinking of un-gentlemanly like things!" Humour danced in her green eyes as Rion flushed deeper, and she dropped her hand to give his rump a playful spank. "Tsk tsk! At least my parents would put it down to us doing married couple things..." Grinning, Jocelyn nipped Rion's ear softly before stepping back slightly.

"But I guess you are right, my parents likely wouldn't wait long enough for whatever those naughty things are you were thinking of." Jocelyn winked at Rion before stepping back into their room with a soft laugh, hiding just how much she'd rather be educating Rion than dining with her parents. Burn her bloody vow!

Rummaging in one of the trunks a servant had brought up for them, Jocelyn withdrew one of her simple green gowns, frowning at the wrinkles. She did like the dress, but it grew old when she had so few to choose from now. At least now she could gather the rest of her clothing while she was here. "Would you mind love?" She held out the dress to Rion, who obligingly used Saidin to smooth the creases, so that it looked freshly laundered. "Thankyou...oh, and can you help me with this?" Smiling slyly, Jocelyn turned and offered her back to Rion so he could undo the tiny buttons running down the back of it. A task she could do herself, but it wasn't so interesting as the slight shake in Rion's hands as the last button came undone and the gaping material revealed hints of her smooth back.

"Thankyou, love." Smirking to herself, Jocelyn slipped into the dressing room to change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was a rather extravagant affair, which didn't surprise Jocelyn. Her parents had good taste, and they were trying to impress. Platter after platter of exquisite dished were brought out, and with each platter came more wine. Jocelyn didn't mind indulging in a few glasses, so that she was soon feeling rather warm and happy, but she didn't know how well Rion would go.

"Drink up lad, something wrong with the wine?" Jocelyn hid her smile behind her cup as Rion lifted the drink hastily to his lips at her father's bidding. Leaning closer to him, she whispered conspiratorially, "You may regret it in the morning, but my father will likely be offended if you don't at least look to be drinking as much as him...it's his way of bonding with you." The look Rion gave her seemed perplexed, but Jocelyn patted his knee reassuringly. "You'll be fine." She raised her voice slightly, "Yes, drink up love! We have much to celebrate." Eyes twinkling with amusement, Jocelyn watched as Rion reluctantly kept drinking.

Jocelyn

Miria's eyes widened with shock and outrage as Kedyn retaliated brutally, his words hitting her as hard as any physical blow. He didn't even deny her wild accusations! Was it true? Pain was gripping her heart, squeezing her so it was hard to breath. What had she expected? A shamefaced apology as he obediently slinked to her side like a dog with it's tail between it's legs? That was not the man she loved. He was strong and smart...and right now he was so very angry, all of it directed at her. Light, but that hurt.

What else did she have to lose? Anger was welling up more and more with his words, her hands twitching into fists by her sides. If there had been a weapon handy, she couldn't say for certain that she wouldn't have tried to use it on him, though his last words caused her to snap. SLAP! Born from her fury, her palm swung through the air and caught the unsuspecting Kedyn on the cheek, his skin already blooming red with the imprint of her hand.

Breathing heavily, Miria restrained from doing it again. She had hurt him? Ha! He could be so blind! Did he not see that she was keeping her secret to avoid hurting him? "You don't know what hurt is! Hurt is loving someone so deeply you can't seem to breathe without them," Miria's voice rose as she fought the emotion trying to break it, keeping her hysterical tears at bay. "Hurt is giving everything you have to one person - your heart, your soul, your body. Hurt is having them give you only a piece in return. A piece!" Miria couldn't hold back the tears anymore, as all her hurts came to surface. Lavena, her jealously, her deep seated fear that she couldn't have his child, that he would leave her if he didn't get the family she wanted.

"I love you, you wool-brained idiot! I give everything to you! I don't hold my heart back for some dead-woman!" Miria hastily shut her mouth. She had never intended to hold it against Kedyn, the fact that he had found love before her. But she had never counted on how much it would hurt her, knowing he still loved the woman she could never be. She had said too much, far too much. Thankfully she hadn't said it all...the fears..."I am sorry for demanding so much!" Miria sobbed loudly, pressing her hand to her mouth in an attempt to ebb the flow, as she gave Kedyn one last pained look before fleeing from the inn. Not caring where she was going or who she was running into, she ran as fast as she could, blinded by her tears, wanting to find somewhere to just curl up and die. Might as well, she had just ruined whatever happiness she had had.

Miria

OOC: At your service Mat! :)

Jocelyn generally didn't mind doing the menial chores around her and Rion's house; it prevented her from being idle and realising just how little she belonged without Rion around. But there was one chore she had been dodging all morning, and while Rion would normally deal with it using Saidin, he wasn't around, and the smell was getting more than she wanted to bear.

Looking out the window to the small outhouse, Jocelyn contemplated leaving the house for the day, but she really wanted to read and do some sewing, and besides, it was getting too hot for her liking to be out in the sun. She certainly wasn't going to deal with the muck herself, but there had to be a way!

A man in a black coat walked past her house, giving Jocelyn an idea. Would it work? Some of the newer soldiers tended to be gullible...would they listen to her if she told them to do something? She was just a civilian, but she was practically married to a full ranking asha'man. It was worth a shot.

Slipping out of the house, Jocelyn went looking for a soldier; one of the men with no pins on their plain black coats. She'd learnt enough in her time at the farm to know they were the lowest ranking channelers. Most of the men she encountered as she walked were busy with training or other jobs. It wasn't until she slipped into the stables that she found a man frowning and appearing to doing nothing much.

Summoning her courage, Jocelyn adopted her most snobby demeanour. "You there, soldier! I have a chore for you!" Waiting for him to return, she hoped he wouldn't call her bluff and somehow get her into trouble for this.

Jocelyn Mahrin

So sorry guys! I have fixed the staff email today. Anything sent there before today however, hasn't been received (or can't be retrieved, more like).

So you can send those bios now to DMPSWBT(at)dragonmount(dot)com, or to my email (above) and we will get you sorted asap. :)

I am always here!

Jocelyn, super civilian! :D

Life could quickly become dull at the Black Tower, for those few who were not blessed (or cursed) with the ability to channel. Loathe to feel to restrained or go insane with boredom, Jocelyn kept as busy as she could. Generally she completed mundane chores, but to break her routine she occasionally went riding, or like today, she trained with her quarterstaff.

After saying farewell to Rion for the morning, Jocelyn changed into one of her older gowns; still not appropriate to physical work, being in the sheer Domani style, but it was that or nothing, and that certainly wasn't an option, for several reasons - the place was full of single, mad men, and Rion was a jealous type. Besides, she didn't want to burn...

Smirking at her thoughts, Jocelyn collected her now returned staff and headed out to one of the lesser used spaces cleared for training. She hummed to herself as she walked, idly swinging her staff. The day was going to be clear and bright, no doubt another unseasonably hot day. Better to exercise in the morning before the heat grew too intense, then later she could hide in the shade with a book.

It took Jocelyn a few moments to realise the training yard wasn't empty, since it wasn't often anyone else came there and it came as a surprise. She hesitated for a moment, wondering whether to stay or leave. Before she could make up her mind, he opened his eyes and caught her in his gaze. This was a young man she had never seen before, and apprehension filled her. You could never tell who was mad and who wasn't; she had heard rumours lately of the fate of those who had lost themselves to the taint, and it wasn't pretty. Blushing faintly, Jocelyn offered the newcomer a wary smile.

"Oh, hello, I didn't see you there." Feeling awkward, Jocelyn tapped her staff against her foot. With a nod to herself, she turned to leave.

OOC: Up to you to catch her, she's just feeling a little shy is all :)

Ella couldn't help but blush as Jon teased her, nudging her in that friendly way. On the verge of evading the issue almost entirely, Damon ruined any chance of that, catching up to the two and throwing in his two cents. Ella had never expected such a response from everyone over one simple date. Was it really so remarkable that she could catch Matthew's attention? Was she that ugly and boring? Well no, she didn't think so. Besides, it hadn't take much to catch his eye, in the end. Dreaming really was a wonderful thing. Aware that the direction her thoughts were turning was making her blush again, she clamped down on her thoughts.

Rolling her eyes, Ella harumphed loudly and let the two continue, knowing well enough that neither would simply drop their fun until they'd had their fill. Still, Jon deserved the slap that she dealt him, despite the fact that she knew he was joking with her. He did that with her a lot, joking and teasing her playfully.

"Is it so outrageous to think that I am so drop dead gorgeous that Matt just had to ask me out? I never knew you guys had such low opinions of me!" She grinned, unable to hold a straight face. "Pair of bastards," she muttered as they laughed, shifting her backpack and trying not to blush again. "Anyway, it's just a date." With that, Ella deftly changed the subject, and the three chatted idly as they continued walking; well Ella and Damon did, Jon was a lot quieter than normal.

Soon enough they reached Ella's street and she waved goodbye to her friends, wondering at Jon's odd expression as she walked the short distance to her front door. Yelling a hello to whoever was home to hear her, Ella dashed up to her room, dumping her bag on her bed and turning on her computer in one motion. Her first priority for ages had been to write in her private blog, before anything else after school. She always thought that if she wrote down her dreams and thoughts, they would come true. Well that was until her recent discoveries in the dream world anyway, but habits were habits.

Blog out of the way, Ella turned to her homework, though her mind kept wandering to the events of recent nights, to how much she had learned. There was so much yet to explore. She was distracted from her thoughts by an alert on her computer as Pyrofreak signed in, causing her to push aside her only half completed work and turn back to her computer. She smiled to herself as she opened a new window to instant msg Jon's alter ego.

Dreamerell says:

Hey freak, what's burning?

I'm here! I'm active! Just not so much as some...*blush*

So welcome to the fold! :D

This is awfully frustrating, because the WT and the BT seem to have completely different ideas of what is happening in this RP. With Dali gone, goodness only knows what he knew, and I know Covai is almost as lost and confused as I am.

Err sorry to push in on this board, but since when was watchers only 10-15 days? Originally it was to be at least a month before the second party arrives. I don't know when that changed...

Looks good to me :) CC'd

I am keen for another red trench. About time I made Miria actually participate and get her butt whipped :D

*laughs* Bug the guy who resigned from staff? ;)

Miria tried hard not to splutter as she looked at Kedyn and Mari. Reminiscing? Or rekindling an old flame? Jealousy was rolling through her in an unstoppable tide. She had known that Kedyn was no innocent, that he had taken other lovers before her, but to hear him laughing and joking with one of them...well like he used to do with her, was making her heart constrict painfully.

"Why would something be the matter, Kedyn?" Miria's voice was sugary sweet, but her eyes were hard chips of ice. "It's not like you knew I would be finished now, considering we had discussed meeting today." Miria tried to calm down but couldn't, not with Mari looking at her with those wide, guilty eyes.

"I mean, why would it matter to me that instead of meeting me, you're here 'reminiscing' about fun times and romps with your ex-lover here." Sarcasm was oozing for her, and she knew she was making Kedyn angry, but just couldn't stop her mouth. "For all I know, you were discussing last night! Or even this morning! Tell me Kedyn, do you tell all your lovers that you love them? Or am I just another whore to you, one who charges a lot less?" Half of her was wincing on the inside, wishing to draw back the words, but at the same time she felt good, finally getting out some of her pent up hurt and anger. Still....light, why was she screaming like a fishwife at the one man she loved, had ever loved, and ever would?

Miria

Psycho!

Clutching her notes from English, Ella headed out of her last class, saying goodbye to Janna as she went looking for Jonathan. It wasn't unusual for him to skip class, and like most times when he did, she felt compelled to give him her notes so he wouldn't fall too far behind. It was a strange friendship given how very different they were, but they always got on well enough. Not a risk taker herself, Ella didn't feel the need to try and calm him down and restrain him like so many others. If that was who he was, well so be it. Besides, he'd never laughed at her geeky imagination, and seemed to appreciate her help in school.

It didn't take long before she found him, making some trouble for one of the more popular rich kids. Rolling her eyes, she picked up her pace. "Jonathan, wait up!" She was smiling as she approached him, adjusting her backpack as she fell into step behind him. "I thought you might like my notes from English." Her eyes sparkled with amusement, but she didn't comment on why he had been absent. It was none of her business.

Pushing her glasses back onto her nose, she watched as Jon played idly with his lighter. They didn't live far from one another, so it was not unusual for them to walk together on occasion. Usually Jon was bubbling with excitement for some recent stunt he had pulled, but today he was a little more subdued than usual. "Get up to anything interesting today Jon? Light anything on fire?" The last was half-joking, she didn't suppose he had, but then again, the way he was eyeing his lighter...well maybe he was itching to burn something. He was a bit of a pyromaniac.

Ella

Haha I'm starting to see why Lavinya thinks you are disturbed ;)