Just for Grins

[Vambram]

LAST LAUGH

 

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

 

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

 

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

[cosmicpanda]

Person 1: Knock Knock!

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Ed2funy.

Person 2: *stab*

[Aust]

That made me chuckle pandy.

 

 

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?

[Little Miss]

That made me chuckle pandy.

 

 

Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?

 

[Vambram]

Little Miss, that comic is hilarious!!!

 

 

And thats from Calvin and Hobbs, right?

[Aust]

Limi that's a riot! Where did you find it?

[Little Miss]

Vam, please feel free to call me Limi (short for LIttle MIss) And heck yes it's Calvin and Hobbs!

[Little Miss]

Aust - I just know Calvin and Hobbs and the snowmen are famous <3

 

Google it and you will be entertained for hours!

[Vambram]

Vam, please feel free to call me Limi (short for LIttle MIss) And heck yes it's Calvin and Hobbs!

 

As you wish, Limi.

 

And Calvin and Hobbs are among my favorites. That, and Bloom County. I have several books of comics that were originally printed in newspapers.

[Vambram]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

 

 

[Little Miss]

^ My Air force warder agrees with this :P

[Vambram]

^ My Air force warder agrees with this :P

 

lol, my father retired from the US Air Force. And I served in the US Army for 15 years, and my younger brother was in the US Air Force for 24 years. And all three of us agree with this joke.

[Little Miss]

Air Force = Chair Force :D

 

 

Here is a funny I got a while back.

 

 

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

 

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

 

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

 

Sermon complete, he sat down.

 

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

[Aust]

A guy with a huge orange head goes in to see a doctor. The doctor says, "How did you get such a huge orange head?" The guy says, "Well, one day I was walking down the beach when I tripped over an old lantern. A genie came out and said, I'll grant you three wishes, whatever you desire...what is your first wish?' I said, I'd like all the money I could ever spend.' The genie went Poof!', and there it was, all the money I could ever spend. Then he said, What is your second wish?' I said, I'd like a beautiful woman to love me, someone I could enjoy this money with.' The genie went Poof!', and there she was, a gorgeous girl who immediately loved me. Then the genie said, And what is your third wish?'...and I think this is where I went wrong...I said, I'd like a huge orange head.'"

[Magnetic Zero]

Here's a complete archive of every Calvin & Hobbes strip in its run.

 

http://marcel-oehler.marcellosendos.ch/comics/ch/1985/11/198511.html

[Magnetic Zero]

I'm double posting in case someone finds this joke too...inappropriate.

 

Three pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.

 

Suddenly the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag, and takes one.

 

"What was that?" the other two ask, curiously.

 

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby," she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

 

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting.

 

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag, and takes one.

 

"What was that?" the other two inquire.

 

"Vitamin tablet," she replies. "Good for mommy, good for little baby," and she pats her stomach affectionately.

 

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting.

 

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag, and takes one.

 

"What was that?" ask the other two.

 

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves."

[Aust]

That's something you'd feel guilty laughing about... lol. I'll let someone older, wiser, and with more power weigh in on that. ;)

[Vambram]

Here's a complete archive of every Calvin & Hobbes strip in its run.

 

http://marcel-oehler.../11/198511.html

 

 

If I could, I would award you 50,000 points for finding and posting this weblink. Now, I can read Calvin and Hobbes whenever I want!!!!!

[Vambram]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

 

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

 

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Magnetic Zero]

Well, you can ask Nae to give me 50,000 points. Not like it matters.

 

This place is like Who's Line Is It Anyway? It's all made up and the points don't matter.

[ineedfourberfs]

WARNING: A little rude.

 

 

 

 

 

Mummy and Daddy are in bed one night, having the maritals, when little Timmy walks in.

 

He's horrified, and runs away screaming back to his room.

 

Daddy says It's ok, I'll go talk to him.

 

He wanders down the hall, opens timmy's door, and to his horror, spies little Timmy doing the nasty with Grandma.

 

Daddy yells "Timmy, what the hell are you doing?"

 

Timmy turns to Daddy and says, "It's not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?"

[Magnetic Zero]

The line "it's not so funny" doesn't make sense. You truncated the joke.

 

After Timmy sees his parents doin' the nasty, his dad is supposed to laugh out loud at his horror. His mom is supposed to berate his dad. Then LATER, his dad incidentally walks past his son's room and sees the horrific deed. That's why Timmy says, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it!?"

[Kivam]

Q: What do you do if you see an epileptic having a seizure in a bathtub

 

A: Throw in a load of laundry.

 

 

 

1: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

 

2: Finding half a worm in your apple.

 

1: No. The Holocaust.

[Magnetic Zero]

Did...did I turn this thread into a messed-up joke thread?

 

Holy hell. That's awesome.

 

And on another note, a joke a friend and former SGer, Akenzar, (no one in this thread will know him) told me a few months back:

 

So a rabbit and a bear are walking through the woods and they come across a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says he'll grant both of them 3 wishes. The Bear says "I'm the bear, so I'm going to go first"

 

He thinks for a minute and says "I wish every other bear in the forest was female." And poof, every other bear in the forest was female.

 

He thinks a bit longer and says, "Y'know what, I wish every other bear on the continent was female," and poof, every other bear on the continent was female.

 

Finally he gets all worked up and says, "I wish every other bear in the world was female," and poof, every other bear in the world was female.

 

"Your turn" says the Genie.

 

The rabbit thinks for a moment and says, "I want a bicycle helmet." Poof, there's a bicycle helmet.

 

Then the rabbit says, "I want a motorcycle" and poof, there's a bicycle.

 

The bear's looking at the rabbit strangely because he can't believe he's wasting his wishes like this.

 

Then the rabbit puts on the helmet, gets on the motorcycle, and says, "I wish this bear was gay."

[Vambram]

A Government advisory said that anyone traveling in icy weather conditions should take:

 

~ A shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

~ Extra clothing, including scarf, hat and gloves

~ 24 hour supply of food

~ 5 pounds of rock salt

~ Flashlight with spare batteries

~ Road flares and reflective triangles

~ Tow rope

~ Five gallon can of gas

~ First aid kit

~ jumper cables

 

I looked like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.