RJ describes a typical weekend

[bronnt]

So there's a few friends spending time together-let's call them Rand, Mat, Perrin, and Aviendha, for purposes of this exercise.  They decided one Saturday that it would be fun if they made some cookies.  Everyone really likes this idea, so Mat volunteers to head off to the store to get some cookie dough and eggs.  Of course, it's not long after they leave that Rand and Perrin realize that they're out of milk, also.  And they forgot to give Mat a cell-phone so that they could call him.  Also, for some reason, Mat had decided to walk to the store instead of driving, even though Rand has a really, really fast car.

 

So Perrin volunteers to run out to get some milk as well, and he takes a different car out because he doesn't want to inconvenience Rand.  Oh, and even though he and Rand both have cell phones so that they could easily talk to each other, instantly, if they wanted to, they agree NOT to call each other, since there's a chance that someone has tapped their lines, and they really don't want everyone else to realize that they're getting milk, otherwise there might not be any milk left.  Oh, and Perrin can't get milk from the same store that Mat is.  Of course, sometime after Perrin heads out to get milk, Rand forgets about the cookie thing entirely (probably because he hasn't been talking to Perrin) and decides to run to the ice cream parlor instead.

 

Once he comes to this realization, he thinks how much fun it might be to have some more of his friends along for ice cream-let's call them Egwene, and Elayne, for now.  So he takes his really fast car and finds Mat where he's already gone to the story, and says "Forget the cookie dough, I've got this ice cream idea that's much better!"  And Mat responds that they've really already set a lot of things in motion vis-a-vis the cookie plan.  Rand says "Screw that noise," and decides to drop Matt of at Egwene's place, and they can all meet at the ice cream place.  Rand decides that Mat can just ride in Egwene's car, since he knows that she has a pretty fast car too.  Aviendha chimes in at this point and mentions that she'd like to see Elayne for a bit, so he drops her off at Egwene's place as well.

 

Then on the way to the ice cream parlor, Rand gets really sick.  He pulls his car over and stops to vomit on the side of the road, where he meets a police officer and a sagely old man.  They explain to him many things, including the ways of the sword and some elements of the nature of the universe.  Rand thinks that's very neat, even though he's got lots of guns which make swords a bit obsolete, and even though he had other plans, he decides to spend some time talking to them.  This distracts him from being curious about his friend Mat, who was supposed to just ride back quickly with Egwene, and his friend Perrin, who is still supposedly grabbing milk for the aborted cookie plan.

 

It's just as well that he forgot about Perrin, since Perrin did grab the milk, but got distracted himself.  First, he had to help a little old lady cross the street, which wasn't a big deal since he was crossing the street himself.  But then he lost his hat.  It's his favorite hat, really, and he can't bear to leave without it.  He could call Rand and have him come grab the milk while he looks for the hat, or even get Rand to help him look, but instead he tosses the milk in the back of the car and drives around looking for his hat for a few hours.  He doesn't really care if the milk goes sour because, hey, it's his favorite hat.  He knows that he's not supposed to call Rand, even though it's kind of irrelevant since hey, he's already got the milk, so he decides that it's okay to call some other people.  One of those people is Rand's dad, and he even heads all the way to pick Rand's dad up since he never owned a car.  And so they set about looking for the hat while the milk goes rotten in the back of the car.

 

Mat, meanwhile, finds out that Egwene is not particularly interested in grabbing ice cream, and instead has plans with a bunch of her own friends to to have dinner in a fancy restaurant.  Egwene, despite the fact that she has a car, also thinks it might be a fun thing to start walking toward the restaurant rather than to drive, even though it's several miles away.  None of her friends object, though, so they start walking.  Elayne borrows a car and takes off to get some cookies, though, and Mat tags along since he just wanted to get some cookies to begin with.  Aviendha decides to come with them just to spend more time with her friend Elayne, and they also bring another friend, we'll call her Nynaeve.

 

At this point, Rand finally stops playing with swords and philosophers.  He hears that there's a huge group of people walking down the street, and thinks that it makes sense since it should be Mat coming back with Egwene and Elayne.  It actually doesn't make sense, since Egwene has her own car, and should have been at the ice cream parlor already if she had cared to go.  He does run into a group of Egwene's friends, who tell him it's none of his business what Egwene is doing but that neither she nor they particularly care for ice cream.  He would have been a bit sad about this except that his friend Min was with them, and she's up for whatever he feels like doing.  He thinks about it a little more and decides he'll go for ice cream after all.  When he gets there, it turns out it's really just him and Min, so they celebrate by eating a lot of ice cream and then having sex.

 

Perrin, of course, has found his hat, but it's way up a tree.  He could call Rand, who not only owns a very tall ladder, but happens to like climbing trees.  But instead, he leaves the milk spoiling in his car, keeping to his promise not to call Rand even though it's largely irrelevant at this point since he's already got the milk, and it's going bad.  He's trying to figure out how he's possibly going to get his hat down from the tree.  He thinks about it so long that he nods off and falls asleep, and has a dream about how he's going to get his damned hat out of that tree.

 

Mat, Elayne, Aviendha, and Nynaeve enjoy cookies at the bakery.  Mat's really happy about this, and content to stay a while because he really enjoys the music that's playing.  He decides he's having way too good a time to leave, even though Elayne, Aviendha, and Nynaeve think that it's really time to get going.  So they just leave Mat there, content to have a good time with his cookies.  As soon as they leave the bakery, the entire building catches on fire.  They're not sure if they should tell anyone about it.  They call their friend Egwene, who is much too busy trying to organize her dinner party at the fancy restaurant to deal with a bakery on fire.  Feeling that they've done their civic duty, they leave their friend Mat in the burning bakery and head back to Rand's place for a while.

 

Rand's shy around Elayne so he tries to avoid her when she shows up, but Min drags the two of them into a room together.  Rand is not at all curious that his friend Mat is not with them, and Elayne doesn't bother to tell him that she left him in a burning building.  Instead, they just decide to have sex.  Afterward, Rand grabs her friend Nynaeve and leaves because he has this great plan to solve world hunger and he needs her to help pitch the idea to the UN.  Elayne is naive enough to not care that he basically impregnated her and then darted off with another girl.  She doesn't call Rand even though she wants to talk to him because she's going to draw child support from another guy.  Mat is still inside the burning bakery and no one has bothered to alert the proper authorities.

 

Perrin finally wakes up from his dream about how he's going to get his hat out of a tree.  First, he realizes he's hungry, so he hops back in the car, milk still rotting in the back, and picks up some snacks from a convenience store.  The clerk there was really kind of creepy, and the food was a bit sketchy since it didn't seem like the store had been cleaned lately, but he elects not to visit another store, since this one was close.  He keeps to his promise not to call Rand, even it's growing more inanely irrelevant by the second, and instead calls a mutual acquaintance that nobody really likes.  The mutual acquaintance will help, but only if Perrin agrees to give up playing football.  Now Perrin is actually a decent footballer, despite not caring very much about the game, but he agrees that he'll give up football in exchange for help getting his hat out of the tree.

 

Rand and Nynaeve have only quick stop to make before they solve the world hunger crisis.  Unfortunately, they have to actually kill people while they're there.  Since, naturally, these people don't especially want to be killed, it takes Rand and Nynaeve a while to get around to killing everyone.  And in the process of killing people, it's not at all surprising that they find themselves caught and apprehended by the authorities.  Fortunately enough, though, Rand knows this really awesome lawyer who not only posts his bail for him, but takes care of the murder charge almost instantly.  Rand and Nynaeve decide that it might be nice to have a really good lawyer with them when they solve world hunger by explaining their idea to the UN, so they bring her along.  We'll call her Cadsuane from now on.

 

Mat manages to crawl out of the burning bakery, but his leg is broken.  His big problem now is that the girls drove off in the car and he's stuck at the far edge of town without any means of getting home and he's got a bum leg to boot.  He really wishes he had easy access to transportation so that he could get home, but Rand has apparently forgotten about him, as did the girls who left him in the burning bakery without calling for help.  He studies a map carefully and realizes that it's like navigating through New York.  He has to hire a few people, actually paying several of them quite a bit of money, just to get off the same block as the bakery, not even counting all the effort it takes to get all the way home.

 

Rand is busy at this point solving the world hunger crisis.  It's actually both more complex and more simple than you'd think such a thing would be.  He and Nynaeve end up doing most of the leg work while they get their lawyer to help sort out some of the legal issues.  At the end, Rand decides that it's been a pretty productive day, so he and Nynaeve head off to get some sleep.

 

Perrin finally has a plan for getting his hat out of the tree.  He decides that he's going to climb the tree, get it out, and then climb back down. His new friend, of course, is in favor of cutting the whole thing down, so they compromise and do both.  Perrin realizes that he's a bit unsuited for climbing, so a few other people actually climb up the tree to get the hat for him, and Perrin doesn't think it's reasonable to wait for them to get back down once they've got the hat, so he and his new acquaintance start chopping at it while his friends are still up there.  Somehow, the whole situation sorts itself out, with his friends making their way down the tree and Perring retrieving his favorite hat in the process.  But the milk has gone completely bad, and his car is seriously out of gas from idling so long while he was trying to get his hat out of the tree.  At this point, he thinks about calling Rand so that Rand can come and pick him up, but he doesn't it.  He doesn't even bother wondering if Rand ever had the cookies.

 

And that's how RJ tells us that Rand, Perrin, Mat, and Egwene spent their weekend.

[Elgee]

That was awesome  ;D

[Stanley the Bugman]

Hahaha... That was totally awesome.

[Owayn The Traveller]

The noise of applause coming at ya! Ahhh, I don't know how to type sound effects ,so, that was a spot on satire of the series.

 

 

[BeckeyLee]

Agreed!  Awesome!!!! ;D

[Lord of 13]

*applauds*

[Thanatos]

Most definitely well done.  Keep up the good work. 

[bronnt]

Lol, I'm glad people enjoyed it.  Just poking a little fun at WoT for the convoluted plot, and poking a little fun at myself in the process for being such an avid reader.

 

The whole thing is full of typo's since I just impulsively wrote this up at 11 PM one night after I realized that it's been half of the entire series that Perrin has been gone essentially running an errand.

[Stanley the Bugman]

The whole thing is full of typo's since I just impulsively wrote this up at 11 PM one night after I realized that it's been half of the entire series that Perrin has been gone essentially running an errand.

 

All that matters is that he got his hat back. His favorite hat at that.  ;D

[bronnt]

The whole thing is full of typo's since I just impulsively wrote this up at 11 PM one night after I realized that it's been half of the entire series that Perrin has been gone essentially running an errand.

 

All that matters is that he got his hat back. His favorite hat at that.  ;D

 

Don't get confused, though, it's not a "Bloody good hat."  I certainly wouldn't make that comparison.  But it is his favorite hat.

[TheBeerPatriot]

Props to you, bronnt. Great job!

[Mystica]

roflmao! brilliant, good work :D

[bronnt]

I'm glad nobody is too harsh a critic of my typing ;)

[Ishmayl]

This thread makes me smile.  Any way of adding in CoT, KoD, and tGS? :)

[bronnt]

This thread makes me smile.  Any way of adding in CoT, KoD, and tGS? :)

 

Lol, perhaps I will-even though I basically went there for Perrin.  That is, if anyone cares enough to read more of me being silly.

[Karasayl]

This really made me laugh at work. Thanks so much bronnt!

[Elgee]

Would love to read more of you being silly, bronnt  :D