Spymaster's Report 7/24/08

[Justen Diablos]

What is up mi amigo's?  Now I know what some of you are wondering.  Is this truly a spymaster's report of old.  Just like back in the day when our hero JD once ruled DM and CoL alike with a large hammer made entirely of wit?  While others are thinking. Who is this JD, and what is this Spymaster's report all about?  and yet others may be thinking.  What is today? Thursday? okay, what month?  I just shake my head at you people. For you need help.  Anyway if you're thoughts weren't in italics above, good for you, you're an independant thinker and I like that about you.  Now go fetch me some OJ to whet my throat, then sit down, and prepare to be enlightened on all the weeks major happenings, both at DM and the world. 

 

In World News

 

Dark Knight premiered this last week to wowed audiences everywhere.  I haven't yet seen this movie, so don't ruin it for me, but I hear it's amazing.  I will go watch it, once it's been playing for about three weeks, I'll go on a tuesday afternoon, that way no crowds.  I find that I hate people, not individuals like you the reader. No, I guess it's more appropriate to say I hate groups of people.  Especially teenagers.  Again if you find yourself in this age demographic I'm sorry, but you're annoying.  Stop being so and mayhaps I'll let you sit and eat cake with me someday, possibly a thursday.  But yes Batman is great I hear, and Heath Ledger was amazing.  Good for him, hopefully this will untarnish his reputation amongst 14-80 year old males after it was obliterated by his doing that one movie.  You know which one I'm talking about.  That movie also starred Batman apparantly, though Christian Bale's got his own problems.  He allegedly assaulted his mother and one of his sisters at a London Hotel.  Rumors at press time remain unconfirmed that he yelled out "I'm Batman" at any point during the incident. 

 

Though to be honest I would have. 

 

In other world news apparantly our brothers to the north in the mythical land of Canadia are pondering a possible coup.  Or just thinking about having democratic elections like a 'real' country.  I figured this was newsworthy at the very least because the fearless leader of the CoL group is none other than our canadian friend Hax.  Other news affects our stong US-Canadian bond.  Maher Arar (a Syrian Born Canadian (really? that's an interesting mix))  Was taken in to custody back in 2002 during a stopover in New York on suspected ties to Al Qaeda.  What did we do to him.  We sent his happy ass back to Syria, where he was promptly tortured for an entire year.  The US responded to criticism saying

 

"Hey, we didn't think Syria would torture him or anything, they even told us they wouldn't.  They're a bunch of liar-heads"

 

Good point USA.  I'm once again proud to be an american.  So anyway Canadia's mad at us over the whole thing. And what happened to Maher Aher, don't worry, he's okay.  He was recently spotted beatboxing on stage at some sort of Canadian rally.  Tom Green was probably there.

 

 

When asked for a quote on his unlawful treatment Aher simply stated. "Don't stop a rockin' to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rythym of the boogety beat."  Brave words soldier.  Brave words.

 

In Political News Barak Obama was seen trying to look knowledgable about world affairs over in Germany.  Showing up with dyed blonde hair, blue contact lenses and walking rigidly in lock step with aides he was promptly told "dude, We don't do that anymore."  His opponent John McCain was also trying to look more presedential by completely mistating facts about the war and then immediately denying he was wrong.  Quoted as saying "No, you see, I know what I'm talking about, you just think I'm wrong because we(the US government) lied to you at the time about what was really happening.  So you see, I'm not old or forgetting things, you're just an idiot."  Nice work sir. 

 

The minimum wage increases to $6.55.  McDonald's responded to the news by putting forth this press release.

 

What? we have to pay our people more money?  But they're just immigrants and teenagers? aw hell.  Fine, but double cheeseburgers are two dollars now.  We hope you're happy.

 

Of course this press release was overshadowed by an amazing performace by Ronald McDonald, who made balloon animals and told lewd jokes about Dave Thomas' daughter Wendy.  Way to stay classy Mickey D's.  Burger King could not be reached for comment, though he was seen outside the Espy awards begging for spare change.  Apparantly the hike is hitting all fast food chains hard.

 

Finally in Sports Terrell Owens, Dallas Cowboy reciever and all around crazy bastich is a hero.  Mispoke did I? I don't think so.  At the afforementioned Espy awards at round about 2am a writer for ESPN was struck by a car.  Apparantly the first on the scene Owens rushed out to the street, helped the writer to safety and then sat with him until help arrived.  Instead of waiting around for fanfare or adulation, once the matter was in hand and the victem was safely in the hands of medical techs TO vanished into the night like Batman.  You see what I just did there? With the Batman thing? I tied this whole section into a neatly wrapped little bundle of joy.  That's just one reason I'm amazing.

 

Dragonmount News

 

You know what? I can't get into the forums.  Right now, when I have actual time on my hands and desire to do this report I can't get into the forums.  I think it's a conspiricy.  Or at the very least an outrage, of outrageous perportions.  So I'll just go ahead and write the final section of this report before I write this one.  You won't know it of course because I'll still have it in this format, where DM news comes first...

 

Actually you probably will know it now, because I told you.  Unless of course I edit this. And then you'll never know. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

I

 

AM

 

GOD

 

okay so we're going to stick to org related news, because this has gone on long enough already. and some main community news, because I have to.

 

Damn, the boards were responding, and now they're not. 

 

We'll start with the Seanchan then, since it's my org n' stuff and occasionally I check that board.  Though not really the main board, as I never watch TV or movies.  Though I did finally see 21 last night on DVD.  Hated it, when they say based upon the true story they should say loosly based and not even really close to what really happened. If you can get past that (which I couldn't) I guess it's a good story.  Anyway the Seanchan are mostly busy with the Batman hype, though they're discussing other movies and TV shows as always.  Also check us out next monday for my next installment of my AoL high series, which will return from a two week sabatical (maybe I'll even spell words properly)

 

At the General discussion board most of the discussion centers around various book series.  Again I have to ask why the Hornsounder thread is tacked to the top of that board, it's from last year, and serves no purpose. But whatev. Some dude named Canukustani (yes it did take me four seperate checks to spell that name even close to right) is selling some stuff on ebay.  Magic the Gathering cards seem to be the least nerdy of what he's selling so if you're a huge geek (and technically we all are in some way or we wouldn't be here) check it out.  You might find something cool that you'll have to hide whenever a girl comes over.^*

 

At the Aiel board you have your chance to 'ask the wise ones' you know, if the Chosen don't have the answer and if you haven't read the end of this post yet, where a whole new option will be opened up to you.  The Ogier are also visiting, and the question of the month is where you would really like to go on vacation.

 

The Band of the Red Hand has too many sticky's at the top of their board.  It's like 12 or something.  Really need to cut that back.  They're having a battle of the bands over there right now.  Somehow the Beastie Boys was declared the winner of Hip Hop.  Okay, so I'm a hip hop fan, I love it like I love few things in life, and I'm offended by that.  So the Band officially gets JD's stamp of disaproval.  The Battle of the Band's thing is pretty cool though, so go check it out.  Beastie Boys? Seriously? WTF guys.  That's not even Hip Hop really.

 

The Illuminator's guild is pretty quiet.  Though Canukistani has a new story over there.  and the Illuminator newsletter is frankly the best at DM in my opinion. 

 

You know what? I think the CoL needs a newsletter.  Get to work on that Hax! *g* wha? me? no, not so much thanks. totally your job.

 

They also make some amazing Signatures, as proven by the veritably plethora kindly provided me by my one true love Cadsuane.  I will be sporting them throughout the coming weeks, so admire them and realize that Cads is truly a goddess.  She's officially JD's favorite person of the week. 

 

The Kin are active as ever, mostly they play various games and seem to be having a great bit of fun.  If I had the kind of time it required I'd be a member of the Kin.  But it seems like it would take more effort than I could put forth just to keep up.  I couldn't even really figure out everything they were doing in just my brief overview of their org.  But if you have time pick a thread and check it out, it seems by and large entertaining.

 

I love the Ogier too by the way.  Cleo announced that soon the Ogier will begin their 'campfire tales' which I am looking forward too. (I love a good story).  Taymist already has her story up, they're now taking votes on whether it was truth or legend.  I voted truth, which marks a first for your boy JD.  It is the only poll here at DM in which I have participated.  Amazing concept friend Ogier.  Oh and Cleo's story is up as well, it can all be found in the thread Welcome to Campfire Tales.  Also, they're having a discussion about the effects of video games on children started by one of JD's favorites nephitess.  I'll have you know I almost exclusively played video games as a youth and look how I turned out...nevermind.  Finally CutNRun chose the Ogier as his official hiding place from the rest of his org.  which brings me too..

 

(pause to enjoy a right good segway.)

 

The Wolfkin.  They put out they're most recent edition of pawprints.  Which is good, go check that out if'n you have a moment. Other than that they seem to be up to their usual massive amounts of spamming and good natured fun. 

 

Next up the Ghul, of the Shayol variety.  CosmicPanda requested he be slapped for his absence from activity here at DM....

 

(Brief interruption) I actually have to stop right here and make a point.  First, this disclaimer, I'm not the only one who uses this computer.  In fact, it's not even mine.  They only websites I ever check are this one, Yahoo news, espn.com, and occasionally myspace.  For no real reason.  When I do check out porn I'll have you know I immediately erase the computer's memory and it's of the hetero variety, or actually mainly two chicks, because that's just cool. So I've just been left in awe by the banner ad I just recieved advertising gay millionare dating...

 

that's not cool.

 

...

 

that's not cool at all.

 

...

 

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

 

...

 

Just not cool.

 

*shakes it off*

 

I don't think I can go on.

 

Um, the darkfriends at SG are trying to impress Moirane or something and...

 

Not cool at all.

 

I might be traumatized.

 

...

 

seriously.^** 

 

Let's wrap this up shall we.

 

Saving the best for last we have the White Tower org.  The most amusing thread I have personally read since I returned to DM has to be the Order in the Court thread over at the White Tower board.  Where Kat (proving once again why she's a legend) teams up with an all-star cast of Tower silly folk to entertain the masses with a mock trial.  Not only did JD favorites like my Brit girl Nia step up and hit a home run but I was hit by random amusement from unlikely sources such as BT boy Vanion. Who has earned himself a rightful spot in JD's favorites.  Where very few Ashaba'men have managed to go.  Way to be WT, you rock my world.  Oh and now they're doing a thread on badass female characters who betray the feminist movement.  Kind of a letdown from genius, but still entertaining.

 

And that, is all for the message boards.  Now on to the finish which was already pre-written but you don't know that.

 

Ask JD

 

Hey! You're ripping off the Chosen!  Yes, but I'm taken a proven recipe and making it better.  Just like the new Batman franchise! I can bring that in all day.  Anyway here are a few questions sent in to JD over this past week.

 

Dear JD,

 

  I haz dilemma.  You see, I hang around this website called ragonmountde.  Half the people there seem to think I'm funny, and they like me.  The other half, the half that seem to have some common sense and an IQ over 80 claim that I'm the most not funny person in the world. I don't get it.  My momma says I'm funny, of course, she's canadian.  But still, what can I do to be more funny? 

 

Unfunny in Canadia

 

Alright Unfunny, here's my advice.  Just be more like me, and it'll be okay.  Oh, and stop listening to those close to you, the ones who want to reaasure you that indeed you are funny.  Because in the end their love will do more harm than good.  Practice knock-knock jokes in front of the mirror.  That might help.

 

Dear JD,

 

I have this little problem.  I'm the head of a major country, and recently I said that our stock market's problem is that it's a little hungover from a rough night of drinking.  Apparantly this was a bad analogy.  You seem to be a master wordsmith, could you perhaps give me better advice on how to handle the folk?  I really really need it.

 

Republican in Kennybunkport

 

Oh Republican.  I'd really like to help, being as we have the same political ideology and all, unfortunately I can't.  You've messed it all up and good.  On the bright side it's not your fault, you're just the classic case of why you don't tell a retarded child they can be anything they want when they grow up.  Because inevitably they'll want to be 'King'.  And in Americ...erm, whatever country you might be from, anyone can be King, because our country's political system is one step from complete collapse.  Anyway, look on the bright side, you had a good run, you'll get a good pension, and I'll always love ya, even if every one else focuses on your mistakes without understanding your limitations.

 

Dear JD,

 

I love you and want to marry you.

 

Your Secret admirer.

 

Hey Kelly Clarkson, you need to stop writing me.  It's over okay. though maybe you can come by the crib on saturday or something.

 

...

 

What? I can dream too.

 

If you have a question that you'd like me to answer in next week's spymaster report (should put these out every thursday actually, time permitting, just so I can say that I wasn't responsible for the death of silly on the Board that JD built my beloved CoL board) write me an e-mail at ge_white@yahoo.com

 

And look for these upcoming JD stories.  Monday AoL High returns to the Seanchan Main board with Episode 4, New Friends.  and either today or tomorrow I will grace the White Tower board with Silly Wars Episode V.

 

As Always,

 

Justen Diablos,

Spymaster for the CoL

 

* I was going to say 'comes over to your mom's basement' but I felt it was too harsh.

 

** No, seriously. Not cool

[Haxorsist]

You got gay millionaires? I'm so jealous, I only get regular gay dating ads. Back off and stop stealing all the good ones. ;D

 

 

 

I need to find the login for the blog so I can let the people know that a new Spymaster's Report is up.

[Roka]

Canukistani is of a female persuasion.

 

BTW, Colbert is back from vacation, so you can catch his show again, just thought I'd spread the word *nods*

 

http://www.black-tower.org/boards/index.php

 

 

 

[Justen Diablos]

ack! apologies to Canukistani then.  I must have missed gender in my effort to spell that name correctly, and yes it was indeed difficult. The mind doesn't work like it used to.  :P

 

And do my eyes decieve or are you actually the M'hael of the BT Roka?  If such is true I may have to end my lifelong fued with the ashaba'men and make peace. 

 

JD,

Reconcilitory.

 

[Roka]

just M'hael, not ORG leader, makes for a more peacfull *coughboringcough* staff board  ::)

 

 

What you had against BT anyway? Anything real or did you just decide on the spot it'd be boring to go along with everyone and just picked one to upset your stomach by choice? I did that with the Italians, damn italians, Gorica and Trst are ours! *nods* O_o

 

 

 

 

P.S. I actually have nothing against Italian people, their beautifull land or their government. I just hate them, cus there has to be one so I don't feel like a pussy *nods*

[Justen Diablos]

Oh it all started back in the late 90's or 2000.  When I would go from board to board spreading my wonderful spam and pretending my obnoxious posts were funny.  This was back in the old days when RP and OOC were one and the same.  The BT completely ignored me, almost every time I attempted to joke with them.  Also I was writing the spymaster's column full time back them.  Every day I was dutifully checking boards to find out what was happening.  You have to understand my position.  I was bound by my own sense of obligation to read every post. 

 

every

 

single

 

post

 

at the BT had to do with RPing, or One power skills, or how they're particular character would be the baddest of all.  It quickly came to my attention that all members of the BT were 14 year old boys with complex's of some sort.  *g* (not completely true, I got on well with Runefin, Davrem, and Skech, even Taim(as much as anyone could get along with Rob :P))  But the rest of them drove me crazy.  So, back in my original Spymaster days it became a thing with me where I wouldn't report on the happenings of that board.  I took it a step further and mocked their over-serious nature in various silly stories.  All of this went completely unnoticed by the BT of course. Because they didn't really care what some smart-ass like myself thought of them.  So the fued was really one-sided.

 

It's just become an affectation since then.  Almost like the Orange Juice thing, or my love of Tom Cruise.  Just a schtick to keep my prose moving from time to time.  A few cheap laughs doled out to the folk who've been reading my stories since the beginning. 

 

I've been thinking of giving up my constant barrage upon the BT though, as it is indeed not your father's BT anymore.  And I do get a kick out of some of the members now. 

 

Of course whenever I see people on the BT board talk about one power scores or weapons training I giggle inside, and pine for the good ol' days.

 

That, is the very short version (yes there's a lot more), of the story of JD's fued with the BT boys.

 

JD,

Mocking the Ashaba'men since the turn of the century 

[Roka]

I only remember Rob, anyway, there's no RPing anymore, so it's quite different now and the only fathead over there right now is me, and since you can stomach me, I'll wager you could stomach the rest of em too *nods*

 

 

P.S. we got post icons at our offsite boards enabled, so it could look like the old forums with rank icons (though none of the young ones seem to have caught up with the idea yet... maybe it's outdated, ionno, I am kind of nostalgic though so I'd like to see it in action again)

 

P.P.S. what made you come back? O_O

[Cadsuane]

Paityr is blackmailing him. *nod*

[Justen Diablos]

*eyes Cads* Quiet you, or I'll bite.  ;D

 

I should never have left.  DM gives me a great outlet just to write all the crazy stuff that goes through my mind and the opportunity to meet people I actually tend to like.  I just got so caught up living a real life I didn't realize how much DM really affected me.  I love it here, it's like home.  So earlier this year when I just stopped in for a bit, I saw Brian and Paul were still here and realized how much this place meant to me. So I vowed to stay.

 

JD,

DM completes me.

 

 

[Cadsuane]

*eyes Cads* Quiet you, or I'll bite.   ;D

 

Please do.  ;D

[Haxorsist]

Wow, I re-read this and I noticed the Beastie Boys thing. For shame Band. That's like the CoL naming Dane Cook best comedian... Or Carlos Mencia.*

 

 

 

*I haven't seen Mind of Mencia, I'm just hatin' cus everybody else is. Wooo, asterisk.

[Barmacral]

Canada has a minority government, so we're always at the edge of another election. Mayhap someday the liberals will get a leader who's capable of leading, and actually force one.

[Emperor]

YES!

 

The Spymaster report used to be my FAVORITE thing at DM.  I mean I would wait around each week for it to be published. 

[Dunbar]

I'm sorry, but you're annoying.

 

:'(

[Paityr]

*eyes Cads* Quiet you, or I'll bite.  ;D

 

Please do.  ;D

 

Oh no you didn't just mack on my man, girl!  >:( 

 

 

 

 

[Cadsuane]

Erm... He started it? *bats eyelashes innocently*