American Idol Sucks!

[Myndrunner]

This year's American Idol contestants are the best ever..... :D

 

...that's because most of them already have recording contracts, some even have CD's produced by none other than Randy Jackson!  :o

 

I have to admit, I do get a kick out of the contestants.  There are 8 left on the show after they kicked that tiny little Pinoy Princess off last week.  The problem is most of these contestants all have celebrity pasts, they should have called this Celebrity American Idol. 

But the biggest scandal of them all.....is that the contestants are all CLONES!!!

 

That's right, because last season sucked so much, they decided to create a breed of singing clones from celebrity DNA from all over the world.  Ah, but I have cracked the code!!!!

 

Here is a picture of Finalist Jason Castro:

 

And now, here's Clifford the Muppet.  Notice any resemblance?

To create him, they took Clifford's DNA and melded it with....

...John Travolta from Battlefield Earth!

 

 

 

Now, let's look at Finalist David Archuletta:

 

Scrape Ben Stiller's DNA from off the ceiling....

...and combine it with American's favorite Wearwolf cub, Eddie Munster!

 

 

 

To make Finalist Syesha Mercado, they cloned her using DNA from....

 

.....the old school Whitney Houston to make the perfect pop idol!!!

But unfortunately, some of of the new Whitney got mixed in!

 

 

 

 

[Myndrunner]

Next up, we have weepy nanny Finalist Brooke White,

who I hear recovered well from her nervous breakdown last week:

 

 

 

 

Now look closely....

http://img5.allocine.fr/acmedia/rsz/434/x/x/x/medias/nmedia/18/36/22/83/18463687.jpg[/img]

We have Folk Singer Carly Simon combined with that crazy chick from Fatal Attraction! 

 

Ok, now let's take a hard look at Australian American Finalist Michael Johns:

 

 

 

 

Good looking fellow.....but not natural, he was created in a lab!!  See below!

They took the Boss himself and combined with regenerating X-Man, the Wolverine.

No matter how bad he sucks performing, somehow he regenerates fans instantly!

[Myndrunner]

Chris Cornell wannabe David Cook was a tough one to crack!

I almost thought his talent was natural and not

created at the Idol Labs.  Here he is:

 

 

 

Ahhh, but then I cracked the code!!

Covering every genre, the Idol Scientists took DNA from all the guys in Nickleback

and matched it with the uber-smart alien brain from American Dad!!!

 

 

 

The other Cook was much more difficult in that I couldn't figure out which

talentless blond country western singer they created this backwoods Barbie from.

Here is Finalist Kristie Lee Cook:

 

 

 

Until, it hit me....

Actress and part-time cadaver Kate Bosworth combined with Grammy & Career stealer Carrie Underwood!  Kudos, Idol Scientists!!! 

.....and somewhere in middle America, Faith Hill is kicking puppies! 

 

(Note: While google-ing country music singers who looked like her, I actually came across

a CMT video of.....HER!  That's right, she already has a CD out and two videos on CMT.)

 

Which brings us to the last contestant, Carly Hennessey-Smithson,

who probably has the best singing voice....so good, that Randy

Jackson has already recorded an album with her.  (YouTube her!)

 

 

 

Well, Kiss me Blarney Stone, look what we have here!!

http://attitude.themercury.news.com.au/images/pastsaycheese/amylee.jpg[/img]

Take Evanescence lead singer Amy Lee and toss in some pink hearts, blue moons, orange stars, green clovers, and purple horseshoes and you got the Luckiest Idol Lass on the bleeding show!!! 

Too bad that every time they show her husband in the audience on TV, she loses half her fan base.

 

Carly's Husband:

 

So, there you have it Idol fans.  You can go back to your normal lives because this season really doesn't matter.  No one cares about winning a recording contract from Randy and Simon because most of them already got one. 

 

Maybe next year, they will put the test tubes down and bring back this guy!

 

I AM YOUR BROTHER!!!!!

 

 

-Myndrunner

 

 

[Haxorsist]

I haven't been following this season, but I check votefortheworst.com sometimes to read the funny reviews. They call Brooke White Skeletor and David Archuleta is Lizzard Pimpchuleta. Kristy Lee Cook is KKKristy Lee Cook. I had to check the forums to get the last one, but apparently she had the confederate flag in her room or something which apparently makes you a racist.

[SinisterDeath]

Myndrunner, of course American Idol Sucks. I knew this the moment the very first season was shown on foxes 'trailers'.

 

As for Haxorist, Having a confederate flag, only makes you racist, if you want the

A) South to rise again

and

B) Want to own a slave

 

Unfortunately, there are people who believe such a thing.

Now, if rise = being prosperous again with out resorting to slavery, thats an entirely different thing. ;)

[Myndrunner]

Brooke White is a nut case.  I like skeleton, but she is more like the crazy nanny from Hand that Rocks the Cradle.  Why do I have the urge to beat up David Archuletta and take his milk money? 

 

On the Confederate flag, the problem we have is that misunderstanding and ignorance has cost us a beloved symbol.  People believe what they want to believe (like in WoT) and although the more educated understand that the Confederate Flag and the Civil War were not because of Slavery, rather about secession from the Union.......the masses are the true judge, jury, and executioners. 

 

One could argue the same about the ancient hindu symbol for peace. 

Look familiar?

 

-Mynd

[Cadsuane]

A couple of my friends from uni who were at one point roomates had an argument about that symbol. One had it up on the wall as the hindu peace symbol (part of her religious expression), and the other was Jewish, and objected to it, saying it was an insult to put it on the wall because it looked like a swastika. It was sort of a dumb argument, imo. They got over it, eventually. ^_^

[Haxorsist]

I hate how (dumb) people write the swastika somewhere, and when I ask them what the hell they're doing, they answer me in a tone like I'm the stupid one and say: *sigh* "Don't you know that it's a Hindu peace sign?" Yeah, you were writing the swastika because you're such a peaceful Hindu, and not because you just figured out that that Nazi symbol had another meaning and you wanted to get a little bit of attention while showing off your (common) knowledge and at the same time be a douche.

 

I also hate it when people discover obvious similarities between our society and the one in Nineteen Eighty-Four and go: "Big Brother is watching you" and think they're awesomely smart.

 

Sometimes people annoy me...

[Cadsuane]

Only sometimes?? Man, I wonder what that would be like...  ;D

[Myndrunner]

Yeah, people annoy me in general.  Like the guy who put a wooden cross in a jar of urine.  His argument is that his freedom of expression gives him the right to display it. Sure, its his right but why do something you know will offend and piss people off.  Same thing with the swastika.  "Oh, its only the hindu peace symbol!"  Yeah, and Hitler only needed some breathing room. 

 

Freedom of expression allows us to post our opinions on this board; but it doesn't protect us from getting our ass kicked by those we offend.

 

Anyways, you Seachan are a tough crowd.  *Yanks nervously on multicolored cloak* I tell ya, that High Lady Suroth.  Oye, last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it!  Yowwwzzaa!

 

-Mynd

[Barmacral]

The Swastika is also a symbol of power from Ancient Greek times as it happens.

[Haxorsist]

Yeah, people annoy me in general.  Like the guy who put a wooden cross in a jar of urine.  His argument is that his freedom of expression gives him the right to display it. Sure, its his right but why do something you know will offend and piss people off.  Same thing with the swastika.  "Oh, its only the hindu peace symbol!"  Yeah, and Hitler only needed some breathing room.

 

I get it! "Jar of urine" and "piss people off". That's good.

[Myndrunner]

I actually miss co-dependent Raimielle now that she is gone from the show.  I will miss her tears and her mediocre performances.  The girl does have some good pipes on her.  She might have a career in the karaoke circuit, but I'm afraid it's back to her pop's Sushi Shack for now. 

 

Here she is being consoled by Nightmare Nanny Brooke White after being voted off.

 

-Mynd

[Myndrunner]

So, American Idol is gearing up for it's huge "Idol Gives Back" campaign, parading endless streams of celebrities to guilt trip you into giving them your tax return.  Any wonder why they hold this charity drive around the first and the fifteenth of April?  This year, I gave to a huge charity organization called the US Government.....but that's a whole other thread.

 

So, it is no surprise that last night's attempt at bloody tear-jerking was Inspirationally themed, which means that the performers must choose songs by their inspirations.  Shockingly, none chose songs from the Lennon/McCartney library.....I wonder why?  The Idols and producers were wielding gimmicks galore, that highlighted with a shameless plug for tomorrow by our  delusional prophet, David Cook, that seemed more pandering to producers than genuine. 

 

First up, my vote for most improved performer is the Springsteen from Sidney, Michael Johns. Half expecting him to sing the latest jingle for Outback Steakhouse, I was pleasantly surprised to here the Aussie channel Steven Tyler in a brilliant Dream On performance.  Johns nailed the high pitched wail at the end, but he lost major cool points with his poor choice of a gleeman's ascot.  Mikey, its alright to sing like Aerosmith, but leave the scarves to Mr. Tyler.  Prediction: he's safe!

 

Syesha Mercado proved once again to be a Whitney Houston clone who came aboard two seasons too late. There is no denying that the girl has talent and can belt out with the best of them; but unfortunately she is treading where countless clones have gone before and I think that American, let alone this gleeman, is sick of the Whitney-ites.  So, it came as a boring surprise that Sye-clone chose to copy a copy in Fantasia's "I Believe" and had the results one would expect from copying a copy.  When Fantasia sung it, apparently, it was her winning performance and she cried at the end, (and broke her shoe?) Please understand, I really like Syesha and I am rooting for her, but you can't use someone else's tears to earn sympathy.  Prediction: It's a shame, but she's in trouble.

[Myndrunner]

Ok, so after two powerful performances that were more impersonations than original, we get treated to Clifford the Muppet.....on a Ukulele!  I was surprised that Kermit the Frog didn't introduce Jason Castro instead of Seacrest.  Invoking Tiny Tim tiptoeing on the tulips, Clifford sung a version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow while frantically strumming his tiny guitar.  Here's the thing about this guy....he's that dude who ruins a frat party by bringing his guitar and stealing all the girls away from the keg by singing them songs that give him the illusion of being.....*sniff*....sensitive. Teens and college girls eat that up. 

 

And who watches American Idol? Teens and college girls....and lonely gleemen. If this was a talent competition, he would have been gone a long time ago.  Light, if I could play the guitar in High School, I would have gotten laid like a Cadbury egg!  Here's the thing: It wasn't that bad, either.  I could hear him pulling on heart strings across America(and Paula's chihuahuas?) Once again, his fan base will carry him through another round.  Prediction: The Muppet is safe

[Myndrunner]

Talk about pulling your hide out of the jaws of a gholum!  Once again, the perennial Queen of the Bottom Three, who narrowly escaped the axeman blade last week, took the stage and belted out a Simon-cringing country song.  This time, she chose.....wisely.  "Inspired" by Martina McBride's Anyway, Kristie Lee Cook gave a flawless performance, reminiscent of the last time she struck gold with Greenwood's Proud to be an American.  The girl won some chips with that performance that perhaps saved her from her seemingly inevitable departure this week.  She even earned a compliment from country hating Cowell.  Prediction: Bottom three, but the strong performance earned enough votes to save her!

[Myndrunner]

Where Cook #1 earned some chips......Cook #2 cashed a few in.  I still contend that the alien-brained rocker is a front runner to win this entire competition.  Also, being one of the few contestants who doesn't have a CD already produced by an Idol affiliate, he is sure to have a long career ahead of him.  In fact, I'd probably buy his CD, which is sure to be full of performances ripped off from other Chris Cornell clones, but done better.  Donning a white Member's Only meets Michael Jackson's Thriller jacket, David Cook struggled with Our Lady Peace's Innocent. 

 

Not his best performance by far, but in what was supposed to be an inspirational gesture, Cook held up his hand at the end of his mediocre performance to expose the words he had written with a sharpie on his hand.  "Give back" in letters worthy of a Charlie Brown lemonade stand.  His intentions may have been well; however, the gimmick came off more as a pandering to the producers and proclaiming himself as the Car'A'Carn of Idol.  He remains one of the most talented on the show, so it didn't hurt him enough to jeopardize his future, but he definitely cashed in some chips.

 

Prediction: Mediocre performance and pandering aside, he will make it to the final four.

[Myndrunner]

The most talented of the women took the stage next with a somewhat pissed-off performance of The Show Must Go On by Queen.  Now, if anyone on the show could handle Freddie Mercury's melodious voice, it's Carley Hennesy-Smithson.  She very much looked like a pop idol, apparently finally heeding the advice of Simon and fans to ditch her grandmother's Aes Sedai shaw and channel from the Pop Idol source.  In appearance, she channeled Grace Slick but prettier, but with her burrowed eyebrows, she came across in quite contrast to the "inspirational" theme of the show.  Where David Cook was pandering for my money, Carly was DEMANDING it.  I was waiting for the cat-nine-tails to come out.

 

Fortunately, her painted husband only got 5 seconds of screen time so she shouldn't lose too many votes; however, I do feel that her performance was so angry, it made up for it. My Irish Eyes are still smiling for ye, Carly; you looked great!!!  You're clearly the best of the women and worthy of a final four seed; but you lost chips that I am not sure you had to lose.  Prediction: bottom three and in trouble.

[Myndrunner]

Masema, take heed and kneel before the true Osmond Reborn!!!  Emerging from the mist of Rhiuden with two sequined dragons on each arm, David Archuleta brought a performance worthy of the Car'a'carn!  With a piano keyed performance of Angels by....uh....Thom Merrlin?... the diminutive Donny O brought the house down and yanked tears (and dollars) out of the hearts (and wallets) of Idol fans across the nation.  Although not his best performance to date, it was clearly his most confident.  Meekishly accepting praise from everyone with a "gosh, golly, gee thanks" humbleness, our little Eddie Munster was the best contestant with the most inspirational performance of the night.  It's no wonder why Barry Manalow and Wayne Newton are getting very nervous.

 

Prediction: Safe, Final Four, Final Two.....smart money is on him to win the whole bloody thing.

[Myndrunner]

How do you create the Perfect Storm of emotional meltdowns on American Idol?  First, take a desperately righteous stage-5 clinger with the artistic angst of Fiona Apple and Jewel.  Carry her to the final 12 with words of praise at her genius and creativity.  Keep building her up until she believes herself to be the Amyrlin Seat of Idol. 

 

Then, slowly begin to reveal to the world how bizarre and unstable the woman really is.  First, hide her meds after her "shiny happy people" dance three weeks ago.  After another unsettling performance, scare her by placing her in the bottom three last week, a place unfit for any Aes Sedi let alone the Seat herself.  Make sure you have physicians and crisis prevention personnel on standby for her inevitable breakdown.  Then, on an episode meant to be "inspirational" put her on not only dead last, but also right after the Car'a'Carn Archuleta.  Then, let Simon deliver the final blow by saying "That was pleasant, thank you." and nothing more; and give her an extra day of "IDOL GIVES BACK" to ponder her fate.

 

Well, that pretty sums up Brook White's run on Idol, which will end this week in a meltdown. No mercy killing here in that we have to wait until THURSDAY to find out who will join her in the bottom three and be the first to console her as she gets ousted.  Few have stood next to Kristie Lee Cook and survived, and Nanny Nice will be no exception.  With her surrogate babe eliminated last week, its time to say goodbye to Skeletor.  It's been real....it's been fun.....but....

Prediction: Bottom three, bottom two, nervous breakdown.  Tune in Thursday on Fox!  ;D

 

[SinisterDeath]

Whats the chances of doing all these in one post instead of 30? ;)

[Myndrunner]

I suppose I could, but a wise woman named Lini once told me "It's better to carve up the steak than try to eat the whole cow."  I feel that smaller posts are easier to read, even if only two or three people read them.  Most people tend to be intimidated by a monster post. 

 

Curious, why do you ask?

[SinisterDeath]

Everytime I refresh the index, expecting a new page, BAM Seanchan comes up with new post, attempt to see if theres anything to comment on, and alas, its another american idol post!!

 

/cries

[Guest Far Dareis Mai]

Cook did butcher OLP's Innocent (not that I didn't have incredibly high expectations--OLP is my favorite band :D)...I felt like he just couldn't decide which register to sing from. But I agree with you for the most part. And I don't mind the frequent posts. I hate walls of text. :P

[Myndrunner]

Thank you, Our Lady of the Spear.  I really like David Cook, but he lost chips on that one.  I will keep the posts shorter and I hope you enjoyed the commentary.  There aren't many Seanchan watching Idol, it seems.  Which performer is your favorite? Who do you dislike?

 

...and Mr. SinisterDeath, I appreciate your commentary and in the words of Steve Martin....