The Theory of the Center of the Universe

[Barmacral]

Alright, my friends and I have come up with a theory about the center of the universe. We have expanded it so much that we’re all waiting for it to come true now. Scary stuff really.

(Please note, all names have been falsified in order to protect identities… except mine)

 

So, one day Mark and Jim took a test online one day and discovered that they would die exactly 3 days apart from each other.

On another day, the Marks, Jim and myself were out, when we decided that whenever we did something, we would have to consider the Jim effect and the Mark factor. Later on the Jim effect was changed to the J effect.

Now, one night we’re all out at a bar, John and Donn are not with us, they joined us later on in the evening. While at the bar, (we’re all sober at this point, drunkness does not ensue until after we leave the bar, with the basis of the theory already cooked up) we started talking about how things come in three’s, and mention of the factor, the effect, and the 3 days between Jim and Mark come up…

 

It is at this point that we realize that Jim happens to be the center of the Universe. Jim Mark Bolerton.

 

With Jim we have the J effect of Jim, Jenn and John.

With the Mark factor we’ve got Mark 1, Mark 2, and Jim’s middle name is Mark.

Then the B-squad (came into existence at this moment) has myself (Brendan), Brodie and Jim Bolerton.

 

3 groups of 3, with one person fitting into the middle of all of them. This merely leaves Donn out of the circles, therefore we have decided that he is the Anomaly, the only thing standing in the way between Doom and all of Creation when the Center of the Universe dies.

 

The rest of us will die in intervals of 3 after Jim goes. Mark 1 will die 3 days after, John dies at the end (thanks Kath for introducing me to that book) at 3 decades after. Mark 2 will die on Metric time (100 hour days, yes it exists). The rest of us will die in the remaining slots of 3 seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years. Except Donn, he’s the anomaly.

 

When will Jim die? When he turns 42 of course, as that’s the answer to the Life, the universe, and everything.

 

How does this affect you? Well, Donn has exactly 3 decades from the time Jim dies to the time John dies to save the universe, or it will seize to exist upon Johns death, and all of you will go with it.

 

Is there more to it? I don’t remember, but there’s the general gist of the whole theory. No we were not doing drugs when we came up with this, yes we were drinking, no we were not drunk.

 

Barm

 

P.S. The theory that beer is the center of the universe is incorporated into this as well, I just don't recall how, I'll post that later.

[loki redfern]

..this sounds like a bloody good excuse for a rip roaring adventure to save not only the world , but also the universe ..can i come?

[Jelly]

I don't get it...

[krugster]

Basically, Barm, myself, and the rest of us involved in the story are all going to die with no way we can stop it. However Donn does have the power to stop travesty from occurring. He does not know how, where, when, or what he must do in order to save the universe, but he has the ability to accomplish the task. More importantly he is the only one that can stop this. So basically if he screws up the universe end in approximately 50 years.

 

This is exactly why a group of guys should not sit around bored in the middle of the week at a bar. Now we know when the universe will end and there is only an adventure to stop it for one person. Oh well lets have fun with it while it lasts.

[GoodGrief]

Impressive, but also incorrect.

 

You see, I'm the true center of the universe. This isn't egocentricity but plain fact. It is a fact that the distance from me to the edge of the universe is infinite in any possible direction. Since all these distances are equal, I am therefore, logically, the center of the universe.

 

I will permit you to worship me, as long as you continue to amuse me.

[krugster]

No your theory is incorrect. You state that the can be measured from you as a central point outwards in all directions. With the distance of each being infinite and since they are all equal you are the center, unfortunately this is true for any object located within the universe. In fact theoretically if the universe is infinite then it would be true for any point within the universe. However the center of something can only be one point, and since you have defined everything as the center of the universe your theory must be false.

[Jelly]

So there is no centre of the universe...

[krugster]

I did not say that there is no center. I merely showed Griefy's theory to be false.

[Jelly]

you practically just said, there is no centre.. Or maybe that's just my interperatation of it..

[Alys Kinch]

he said either griefy is totally wrong or there is no center. he chooses to believe that she's wrong and their friend is the center... can't remember which one it was the night i was told the story.

[Majsju]

Even if it is completely unrelated, this does remind me of my Grand Theory on the universe I illustrated a couple of years ago with the help of a donut and a beer. Somehow the decreasing amount of beer in the glass fitted into the theory as well ;D

[Thorum]

about the centre of the universe (purely scientifically): it does exist. Almost all theories think of the universe as a xth-dimensional sphere/ring/..., which is growing continually.

 

This would mean the centre of the universe does exist, but is not situated in the universe. Sounds strange, I know...

[krugster]

We are not talking about the mathematical center of the universe here, we are talking about the center of power within the universe, and me and Barm have found it.

[Jelly]

*lol* Now you don't really believe your friend is it, do you?

[Barmacral]

What do you mean Jelly? We know he's the center of the Universe. Right now we're just trying to enlighten the rest of the world to its doom.

[Jelly]

*Blinks*

Why..Barm, I thought, if anyone was the centre of the universe...surely it would be you?  :D

[Barmacral]

This indeed comes as a surprise to many, I am sure. However, I am so closely tied to the center, that could very well be where the confusion is from.

[Jelly]

*Nods* I see. Well that make perfect sense.