Could some one give some feed back?

[agaga]

Hey guys,

 

I'm a budding writer and I couldn't find anywhere else to put this. Would someone mind reading it and giving me some feedback? Please be as harsh as you like I want it to be better not the same because someones afraid to hurt my feelings.

 

As in all things Neflan of course had a beginning. This beginning was called the time of peace. Nothing existed yet so therefore nothing could go wrong. Peace ruled and nothing was evil.

 

Into this peace came Algar God of all, Ruler of the Heavens King supreme over all. Algar awakened and was made aware that he was all powerful and nothing could stand against his might. Not simply because nothing existed but because even if something did exist Algar would be mightier than it.

 

Algar lived in peace with this for a time of many centuries. Content to be king over everything even if there was nothing.

 

Eventually though even God's get bored, Algar had been floating in the nothingness for a long time and he felt a longing to do something to make something to make a companion for himself. Algar knew he could but he didn't know what to make. Having never used his powers before but completely sure he could do no wrong. Algar pulled on his own strength and forced the nothingness to accommodate his needs, his needs for a companion one to lessen his loneliness.

 

The nothing did accommodate but not how Algar had hoped. Algar had hoped for something beautiful something he could love, but what came out of the nothingness was a being as dark as Algar was light. As evil as Algar was pure.

 

Algar knew instantly that the nothingness had made him not something beautiful but something horrible a God just like himself and nearly the same in strength. Dondar was born God of the underworld, Essence of evil, Hater of all things good and right.

 

Dondar knew the nothingness had not made him as powerful as Algar and was angered greatly pulling from the nothingness Dondar attacked Algar viciously hoping to kill him and put himself as the ultimate ruler of the universe.

 

Algar battled Dondar for centuries a war of the Gods where both were so powerful the nothingness pulsed with the strength and power being hurled about by the warring Gods.

 

Algar was still stronger though and he threw his own might against the evil thing he had created. Algar couldn't bring himself to kill the God though. He was still his own creation and therefore deserved some mercy. So Algar banished him instead sealing him in a dimension apart from Algar a mirror world that Dondar could do with as he saw fit as long as he stayed there Algar swore to never again make something that evil.

 

So Algar sat in the nothingness refusing to try to make himself another companion.

 

But even God's grow lonesome...

[claireducky]

You should try the Illuminator Org boards, there you can post on the main board or join the Org and get entry to the Writer's chapterhouse ^^

 

Claire

 

 

[Sirayn]

Hi agaga,

 

There's nothing wrong with how you executed your idea. The problem is with the idea. I'm about to suggest that you start over, and this is why.

 

Creation stories suck. They really do.

 

(1) They're all the same. Epic fantasies both published and unpublished tend to draw on basically the same creation mythos. In the beginning there is Benevolent Christian-Analogue Creator God, who creates multiplicities of Squabbling Child Godlings and/or at least one Ultimate Evil (see: Jordan, Eddings). Then we're moving into the territory of the Breaking (see: Jordan), possibly with a Sealing-Up of Evil (see: Jordan, Brooks), and depending on how far the creation myth goes the gods eventually leave the world to the lesser mortals (see: Tolkien, Eddings, Brooks).

 

(2) They're all dull. I've read umpteen million unpublished fantasies, all with their own creation myths, and not one of them was interesting to anyone other than the author. Story = conflict, action, character, plot. Who begat whom and who slew whom with the mighty hammer of the gods fifteen billion years ago really isn't interesting, particularly related in the kind of dry, textbook style people inexplicably favour for creation myths. (I suppose they think it makes their myth sound more like Genesis in the Bible, but I wouldn't read Genesis for pleasure, I'd pick up a novel.)

 

(3) They're not necessary. I guarantee you I can read and understand your story without needing to read this creation myth. When I buy a book and it has the classic creation myth prologue at the front ... okay, I wouldn't buy a book which started with a creation myth prologue, but if I did I'd skip to chapter one where the actual story starts. Never relevant. It may inform your personal understanding of the world you're creating, but the likelihood of it being necessary to understand [protagonist]'s [conflict] with [antagonist] (which is the essence of story) is zero in my experience.

 

This is the best advice I can give you: Start again. Create a character. Make them want something (money, prestige, a girl, survival, etc) more than anything else in the world. Now create an antagonist to stop them getting that something. Those are the basic ingredients of a story - (1) protagonist, (2) protagonist's goal, (3) antagonist who stands between protagonist and goal. Everything else follows.

 

Good luck.

 

edit to clarify: This is my honest (and strong) opinion, but it's not definitive. There are no rules in writing. Do what works for you.

 

Cheers,

Sirayn

[Kivam]

Actually, creation stories can be very helpful - if they are used correctly.  Not as a prologue or delivered straight, but as backstory, to establish what your characters believe and maybe some underlying motivations.  Looked at that way, the "creation myth" can be dribbled out piece by relevant piece, within the context of the story, so that it becomes a part of the story rather than some messy exposition for the sake of exposition. 

 

Hi agaga,

 

There's nothing wrong with how you executed your idea. The problem is with the idea. I'm about to suggest that you start over, and this is why.

 

Creation stories suck. They really do.

 

(1) They're all the same. Epic fantasies both published and unpublished tend to draw on basically the same creation mythos. In the beginning there is Benevolent Christian-Analogue Creator God, who creates multiplicities of Squabbling Child Godlings and/or at least one Ultimate Evil (see: Jordan, Eddings). Then we're moving into the territory of the Breaking (see: Jordan), possibly with a Sealing-Up of Evil (see: Jordan, Brooks), and depending on how far the creation myth goes the gods eventually leave the world to the lesser mortals (see: Tolkien, Eddings, Brooks).

 

(2) They're all dull. I've read umpteen million unpublished fantasies, all with their own creation myths, and not one of them was interesting to anyone other than the author. Story = conflict, action, character, plot. Who begat whom and who slew whom with the mighty hammer of the gods fifteen billion years ago really isn't interesting, particularly related in the kind of dry, textbook style people inexplicably favour for creation myths. (I suppose they think it makes their myth sound more like Genesis in the Bible, but I wouldn't read Genesis for pleasure, I'd pick up a novel.)

 

(3) They're not necessary. I guarantee you I can read and understand your story without needing to read this creation myth. When I buy a book and it has the classic creation myth prologue at the front ... okay, I wouldn't buy a book which started with a creation myth prologue, but if I did I'd skip to chapter one where the actual story starts. Never relevant. It may inform your personal understanding of the world you're creating, but the likelihood of it being necessary to understand [protagonist]'s [conflict] with [antagonist] (which is the essence of story) is zero in my experience.

 

This is the best advice I can give you: Start again. Create a character. Make them want something (money, prestige, a girl, survival, etc) more than anything else in the world. Now create an antagonist to stop them getting that something. Those are the basic ingredients of a story - (1) protagonist, (2) protagonist's goal, (3) antagonist who stands between protagonist and goal. Everything else follows.

 

Good luck.

 

edit to clarify: This is my honest (and strong) opinion, but it's not definitive. There are no rules in writing. Do what works for you.

 

Cheers,

Sirayn

[agaga]

Thank you guys,

 

Claire All check that out that probably would have been a better place to put this thanks :)

 

Kivam and Sirayn I agree that there doesn't need to be a creation myth and most times there boring but that's assuming I'm writing a book. I wrote this for a website I'm helping out with because they did need a creation myth. Sometimes there helpful but most times your right it's easier to as Kivam said insert the parts you need into the story.

 

Thanks for the feedback :)

[Sirayn]

Actually, creation stories can be very helpful - if they are used correctly.  Not as a prologue or delivered straight, but as backstory, to establish what your characters believe and maybe some underlying motivations.  Looked at that way, the "creation myth" can be dribbled out piece by relevant piece, within the context of the story, so that it becomes a part of the story rather than some messy exposition for the sake of exposition.

 

I'll believe it when I see it. :P Can you give examples?

[peacesells]

As in all things Neflan of course had a beginning. This beginning was called the time of peace. Nothing existed yet so therefore nothing could go wrong. Peace ruled and nothing was evil.

Kind of a confusing sentence.  If nothing existed then of course there was no evil and what would peace rule?

 

I would also remove the words "of course" from the first sentence.  You could start out something like this:

 

"As in all things, Neflan had a beginning.  Formed in the empty universe where no thing had ever existed.  Calm and peaceful it stayed for eons."

 

 

Into this peace came Algar God of all, Ruler of the Heavens King supreme over all. Algar awakened and was made aware that he was all powerful and nothing could stand against his might. Not simply because nothing existed but because even if something did exist Algar would be mightier than it.

 

Ok..here you are a bit contradictory.  You say he is the king of heavens, supreme over all..but nothing else exists??? 

 

"After a time, there was a disturbance, and a being of immense power came to life.  Algar, the being named himself.  Strong and proud and aware of his power." 

 

Algar lived in peace with this for a time of many centuries. Content to be king over everything even if there was nothing.

 

Again..king of what?  Why would there be a term "king" if there was nothing to rule. 

 

"Over the eons Algar tested his power.  He created, he destroyed.  He found creation gave him much pleasure and destruction much grief. 

 

Eventually though even God's get bored, Algar had been floating in the nothingness for a long time and he felt a longing to do something to make something to make a companion for himself. Algar knew he could but he didn't know what to make. Having never used his powers before but completely sure he could do no wrong. Algar pulled on his own strength and forced the nothingness to accommodate his needs, his needs for a companion one to lessen his loneliness.

 

You need a smoother explanation for his longing for companionship...without really knowing what companionship is.

 

"After a time, the pleasure of creation began to dull.  He began to ponder his own creation and wondered if he was the only being in existence.  He had never tried to create life before.  He had created galaxies and planets, stars and moons.  But now, he wondered, could he create life?  Suddenly, a strong unrecognizable urge to share his creations overcame him.  Gathering all his strength he cast out into the darkness and watched as the clouds of the universe converged and created another."

 

The nothing did accommodate but not how Algar had hoped. Algar had hoped for something beautiful something he could love, but what came out of the nothingness was a being as dark as Algar was light. As evil as Algar was pure.

 

Here I wouldn't make it so apparent to Algar that the other entity was evil right away.  I'd word it in a way that Algar wanted to embrace the other entity and then was betrayed. 

 

Algar knew instantly that the nothingness had made him not something beautiful but something horrible a God just like himself and nearly the same in strength. Dondar was born God of the underworld, Essence of evil, Hater of all things good and right.

 

I would not use "God of the underworld" in this sentence.  And I would describe Dondar's strength during the battle which he ultimately loses and gets banished.

 

Dondar knew the nothingness had not made him as powerful as Algar and was angered greatly pulling from the nothingness Dondar attacked Algar viciously hoping to kill him and put himself as the ultimate ruler of the universe.

 

You could play on Dondar's jealousy and this is how it leads to his betrayal of Algar.

 

Algar battled Dondar for centuries a war of the Gods where both were so powerful the nothingness pulsed with the strength and power being hurled about by the warring Gods.

 

This could be part of what I've said previously...re-worded of course.

 

Algar was still stronger though and he threw his own might against the evil thing he had created. Algar couldn't bring himself to kill the God though. He was still his own creation and therefore deserved some mercy. So Algar banished him instead sealing him in a dimension apart from Algar a mirror world that Dondar could do with as he saw fit as long as he stayed there Algar swore to never again make something that evil.

 

I would remove the first sentence and re-work the rest.  This is interesting though.

 

So Algar sat in the nothingness refusing to try to make himself another companion.

 

But even God's grow lonesome...

 

Your last line is great.  Although to keep it in context re-write it..."But even a God grows lonesome...."

 

Now...does he create a 3rd god?

[agaga]

Peacesells Fantastic Feedback! Thank you so much!

 

Just a few things. You can be king even if there is nothing else your kind of king by defualt Algar is omnipotent so he knew even if there were other things he would be king.

 

Also he didn't create anything the stars moons planets and such were created later in a part I just finished he created it for his wife the 3rd God because she wanted something to nurture and care for.

 

Other than that it was all really good I'm going to re work it a little later.

[peacesells]

Np Agaga....what is this for?  I'd be interested in seeing how it turns out.

[DPR]

 

agaga, tell me if you want me to move this thread to the Illuminators. Although, you've already been critiqued by Sirayn and that's kind of like winning the superbowl in your rookie year. Well, that and being thrown into a blender. But it's a good thing, believe me...

 

And swing it on down to the Iluminators where we do this stuff all day long. We could definitly use you on the Suras project.

[DPR]

 

peacesells is invited as well... ;)

[peacesells]

 

peacesells is invited as well... ;)

 

hah thanks...I'll slip in and check it out.  Although..I'm no writer by any means.

[Kivam]

Actually, creation stories can be very helpful - if they are used correctly.  Not as a prologue or delivered straight, but as backstory, to establish what your characters believe and maybe some underlying motivations.  Looked at that way, the "creation myth" can be dribbled out piece by relevant piece, within the context of the story, so that it becomes a part of the story rather than some messy exposition for the sake of exposition.

 

I'll believe it when I see it. :P Can you give examples?

 

;D

 

The Name of the Wind and Skarpi's retelling of the Creation War comes to mind.

[agaga]

Np Agaga....what is this for?  I'd be interested in seeing how it turns out.

 

It's for a website I'm working on My last one kind of went belly up. But I'm hoping I'll work this one out. I would give you the Link but it's still a really big work in progress right now.

 

agaga, tell me if you want me to move this thread to the Illuminators. Although, you've already been critiqued by Sirayn and that's kind of like winning the superbowl in your rookie year. Well, that and being thrown into a blender. But it's a good thing, believe me...

 

And swing it on down to the Iluminators where we do this stuff all day long. We could definitly use you on the Suras project.

 

Sure that would be great. I think someone added me to the user group. Because I can see the Sauras project board. But I didn't see any posts in the board... What is it exactly?