To be a Warder? or a Mother? (attn. Jasine and Arath)

[Eqwina]

Riding back in through the gates of Tar Valon a few of the guards smiled at her and Thera smiled back trying to mask the nausea she felt. She was unsure if it was caused by the child, or by the fear of having to make her decision, but either way she’d hardly been able to hold down solid food for a full day.

 

Giving BlueRose back into the care of the Tower grooms Thera shouldered her bags and started straight for the house she and Jasine shared. Knowing that if he was there she would face questions about her hasty departure she prepared what she was going to say in her head.  She wasn’t quite ready to tell him about the child, not yet. She wanted someone else’s advice..that was another decision she’d made while she away. To talk with someone else, she needed more than her own voice in her head to bounce ideas off of. Her first thought had been Loraine, but she did not know if the Green would be able to keep it from Kynwric so that was out. She had considered Melenis, but somehow it would make her feel like less in the girls eyes. That left Arath and Perivar, and given how close Arath and Jasine had been she decided that he would carry the burden of listening to her problem. Thankfully their small house was empty and Thera was able to slip away without needing to explain.

 

Sending a note to him via a cute Accepted girl Thera went and sat in the gardens waiting for him to arrive. In the week since she’d found out about the child, her old habit of biting her nails had reemerged and that is what she was doing when Arath found her.

 

[Talavin]

Arath was practicing the forms as usual when the accepted came baring the message. She was a nervous looking girl, especially at encountering a half-naked Tower Guard. Arath didn't think of himself as very handsome, but the situation still must have been very flustering for the poor girl. Arath took the message quickly and sent the Accepted off to do whatever it was accepted did with their free time. He opened the letter and imidiately recognised the writing of Thera, having seen it many time. He was curious about what she writing him for. The last time they had talked was a few weeks ago and he had left after getting his head bitten off. Perhaps she was writing an appology? It didn't seem like the kind of thing that she would do though- writing an appology and sending an Accepted to bear it.

 

He was confused when the letter asked for him to meet her in the gardens, but nevertheless he made his way over. Throughout the entire time he was wondering what she would want to meet him for? If she wanted to just have a friendly chat she could just flag him down anytime he passed by. Perhaps she did want to appologise for snapping at him in their last meeting. Arath wasn't angry because of that, it didn't take more than two brain cells to connect Jasine's absence with Thera's bad mood. He thought that she would know that, but worry and paranoia did strange things to a person, and the whole issue would no doubt be settled with a few friendly words.

 

Arath strode to the meeting place whistling merrily. He hadn't seen Thera in a long while anyway, and they were due for a chat. When he arrived, he saw the Mistress of Trainees chewing on her finger nails. Light! She must have really worked herself up over this whole issue! Arath didn't remember seeing her so flustered in all his years in the Yards. Arath found a seat next to her and asked merrily: "How are you today, Thera?" He spoke brightly, to try to sooth her irrational worries. No doubt the whole issue would be fixed in the time it took to beat a trainee in a spar and they would laugh about it later.

[Eqwina]

She was so lost in her own mind Thera jumped and nearly fell into the fountain when Arath took a seat beside her. His hand on her arm steadied her and she tried to summon a smile.

 

“I wish I could tell you that I was well Arath, but…I am not” As she started to talk she found that it all poured out of her in a rush. “ I am scared and I didn’t know where else to turn. I couldn’t talk to Jasine, not just yet and I wasn’t sure where else to go. If I talk with Loraine she will surely tell Kynwric and I am too….too confused to have him know and Melenis and I were never as close and Perivar..he is so wrapped up in that little chit Kabria I don’t think he would notice if I was bleeding to death. So, that leaves you. I am sorry that you will have to bear the burden of my issues but I really didn’t know where else to turn.”

 

Confusion was painted on his face, as it should be and Thera struggled for the right way to tell him that his former boss was with child. What came out of her mouth was not as eloquent and carried far less tack. “A few weeks ago Jasine and I had...had relations and I forgot to drink my tea and now I am pregnant” Blowing out the rest of her breath she dropped her head into her hands and her elbows to her knees. “I don’t know what to do, or say. No matter what I am going to hurt someone.” She mumbled from beneath her hands.

 

Flipping back her curls and looking almost wild in her panic she forced him to meet her eyes. “What would you do Arath? If you were me?”

 

[Talavin]

Arath grew more and more confused as Thera's tirade went on. He was the only one that she could confide in? Why would she have to confide in him if she was appologising to him. More and more he began to believe that she was not actually making an apology, but was telling him something else. When he heard the real reason he was there, Arath felt like he was just slapped in the face. He was sure that if he hadn't already been sitting he would have fallen. He was shocked by the bluntness of the words, but coming from Thera it wasn't all that surprising. He was so stunned by the annoucement that he didn't hear her last question.

 

"Th-that's great! A child is a blessing, I'm so happy... I am happy, right?" Upon seeing Thera nearly burst into tears, Arath hurriedly tried to comfort her. "I mean, Jasine will be so happy to hear that he's going to be a father! I'm sure that he would love to have a child!" Things weren't getting better and so Arath tried desperately to get himself out of the hole he had dug. "There's no way he'll be mad, in fact, he'll be estatic! You'll make a great mother, too! I bet there'll be a lot more children on the way! In fact, you two should just go and start a farm somewhere- be fruitful and multiply!" In his desperation, Arath was getting more and more ridiculous, and even a blind fool like him noticed that his words were having the opposite effect.

 

"Or maybe this will be your only child... Either way you and Jasine and your child will be very happy together! I can see Jasine teaching a little-Jasine how to ride and tame a horse... of course there aren't many places to do that around here... and Jasine would probably have Guard duties... And wouldn't you have your duties as Mistress of Trainees? I suppose you might be able to raise a child and be Mistress of Trainees..." Arath said unconvincingly. He was starting to see the issue here. A Guard was sworn to the Tower above all else, and it would be unfair for a child to be raised by two Guards.

[Eqwina]

Th-that's great! A child is a blessing, I'm so happy... I am happy, right?" Her brown eyes welled with tears and she shook her head at his sudden elation. Was the nuts? Did he not think beyond the end of his nose?

 

Some how, even wrapped in his own idiocy Arath began to see the issue with her situation. It was not as if she did not want a child, it was only that she was not sure she could have a child. Perhaps not without giving up everything that had ever mattered to her. Wiping away the few tears that had managed to escape Thera fixed Arath with a level stare. “I ask you again, what would you do if you were me?”

 

“Do you think I don’t know that Jasine will be overjoyed? I…I would love to be the mother of his children, but..you realize what that would mean? I could no longer be Mistress of Trainees and what Aes Sedai in her right mind would want to bond a Warder that has a wife and child? I suppose living your life as a guard is not a bad way, I myself am faced with that fate and it doesn’t seem bad, but who could raise a child in this?” She gestured all around her and as she did Thera took in the beautiful gardens and the spires and walkways glittering above the streets. For most children the stories of Tar Valon were like fairytales, with castles and palaces and a rule more powerful and majestic than any Queen. It was what they never saw that made Thera sudden to think of a child on the grounds. Her hands had drifted to her stomach again and she was sadly rubbing the small child within.

 

“It isn’t fair..I should not have to make this choice, not alone. Arath..please I am begging you. I need advice.”

 

[Talavin]

OOC: *this is me feeling bad for not updating in 3 weeks*

 

IC: Arath didn't know what to say to her. How could he possibly know what to do in this situation? He didn't have the slightest idea of how to work this out. Nevertheless, he did his best to think of a solution, any solution. The best one was obvious, but it was obviously not the one that Thera wanted to hear. Bringing a child into the world they lived in, the world of the Tower Guard, would be cruel. However, Arath didn't know if Jasine could handle knowing that his child was somewhere being raised by another man. The complexity of the situation was overwhelming, and the silence stretched awkwardly until he opened his mouth to respond.

 

"Thera... I just... I don't know what to tell you. I can't possibly imagine what to do." He looked into Thera's eyes, eyes that were pleading for him to tell her a better solution than the one she already knew. He couldn't lie to her, though, and even though Arath was silent, his eyes spoke volumes. They both knew that she couldn't keep that child, but neither of them wanted to say it out loud. Voicing it... it would give it a sense of reality, like they could no longer hold out for a miracle. Arath shifted uncomfortably. Thera had lowered her eyes now, and Arath wanted to say something... anything... to help her, but he couldn't.

 

He opened his mouth, and inhaled as if he was getting ready to speak. For a moment the silence was anticipating, waiting for his next words, but Arath let out the breath without talking. For a while they sat in awkward silence, both lost in their own thoughts and neither willing to bring up the topic at hand. Eventually, Arath realized the time, and spoke reluctantly. "I need to get ready for my patrol..." Thera nodded and Arath got up slowly. He hesitated, before turning back to her. "...I'm sorry I couldn't help you," he said finally. Arath made his way back to the barracks, praying to the Light that Thera and Jasine could find some way to work out a solution that didn't cause everyone grief.

[Eqwina]

Thera stared at Arath with tears in her eyes and fought the urge to fall in to his arms. She was the Mistress of Trainees she could not been seen seeking comfort, but that was so desperately what she wanted in that moment.

 

A part of her knew how wrong it would be to bring a child into Tower life, but did that mean it could or shouldn’t be done. As Arath stood to go Thera realized that it was not him she needed to be talking to..it was Jasine all along. This was their issue, not just hers alone. She had spent so many years solving problems and taking care of herself that she often forgot what it could mean to be in love and have someone to share your life with.

 

Drying the few tears that had escaped she went back to their small cottage to wait. She was laying down on the bed with a damp cloth over her eyes when she heard the door open, and could feel Jasine’s eyes on her.

 

[Quisalas Selene]

Jasine was whistling softly as he made his way home after being on the day wall patrol.  Day patrol was easy, little ever happened in Tar Valon during the light of day, and not much more happened at night.  He'd stopped in at Thera's office to see if she was there, but the office had remained quiet and empty.  Before continuing on to the cottage they shared, he stopped and got a bottle of wine from the kitchens and then plucked a single white flower from the gardens that were between the kitchens and his house.

 

He couldn't help but smile as he made his way up the single step and eased open the door.  This house, the fact of it and the way they lived together so close they couldn't hardly even dress without bumping into one another, always made him happy.  He'd managed to win the heart of a woman who had surpassed his every dream and expectation, and by the Light's grace, she managed to think highly enough of him that she hadn't kicked him out yet, which was a blessing.  He eased open the door and caught sight of her laying down immediately.  The single room was too small for him to have missed her.

 

He nudged the door closed quietly and felt as much as heard the slight change in her breathing when he drew near.  She wasn't asleep, only resting.  She'd seemed a little out of sorts lately and hoped she wasn't coming down with anything serious.  Surely if there was anything wrong, a quick visit to the infirmary would get it all sorted to rights.  He set the wine down on the table, easing open the cork to let it breathe, and then sat down on the narrow bed beside his wife's hip.  Even the bed was small enough that when they were sleeping, there was always some part of one touching another.  He wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

He brought the flower forward and gently traced it across the fine cheekbones that he loved to nuzzle, and then across the soft lips he loved to kiss.  He bent down and lifted the cloth across her eyes just a tiny bit and peeked under it, smiling as he spoke softly. "Hello miss? I'm looking for my wife.  Have you seen her anywhere?  About yea high, beautiful hair, eyes that could melt a white cloak's heart?"

[Eqwina]

Thera heard the cork pop on the bottle of wine and she couldn’t help but smile. Some women wanted jewels and others money, but all those women were fools in her eyes. There was nothing more romantic than the little things, and every day with Jasine she found another thing to love.

 

When he pulled the cloth up and their eyes locked the sparks made the world glow. "Hello miss? I'm looking for my wife.  Have you seen her anywhere?  About yea high, beautiful hair, eyes that could melt a white cloak's heart?" Grinning up at him she moved the wet cloth and gave him a flirtatious stare, momentarily forgetting the reason she’d been lying down in the middle of the afternoon. “I don’t see anyone’s wife here, but I won’t tell if you don’t.” Wrapping her arms around his neck she pulled him down for a kiss. “Oh how I have missed you Jasine.!” For once not caring that he still had his boots on she pulled him into bed and snuggled against his chest.

 

It was rare that she sought comfort, but right she wanted him to hold her until there was no tomorrow. He must have sensed her unease because right away he began to gently stoke her hair, and plant soft kisses in her hair. For a time she closed herself and lost herself in his soothing words and the feel on his finger tips on her skin, but all too soon thoughts of the child growing inside her crept back into her head. “Jasine..I..we need to talk.” Those four words always put a man on edge, but she knew no other way to begin the story.

 

Sitting up and slowly twirling the flower he’d brought, she tried to figure out the best way to say her new. “Do you remember, a few weeks ago when I got hurt during a spar?” She couldn’t see his face, but she knew that he was nodding behind her back. He’d been upset with her for allowing herself to get hurt. “Well the Aes Sedai, she told me something else that day. And..I have been trying to find a way to tell you.”

 

“I uh…” Setting the flower lovingly on the nightstand she turned to face him on the bed and grabbed both his hands in hers. “Jasine…I am…I am with child.” 

[Quisalas Selene]

He felt his stomach clench up tight and the blood drain from his face when she said those words. "we need to talk."  He always told himself that he trusted Thera, but there was always a small voice in the back of his head that said that one day she'd grow tired of him, or of their love and the hardships it brought, and she would turn away from him.  He'd never had much of a problem with the voice, but when she said those words it was this thought that leapt to mind.

 

When she spoke of the spar and he nodded silently, his fear of losing her changing from one of potential rejection to the thought of losing her until they were both reborn again into the wheel's weaving.  What was it that the Sisters couldn't heal?  She'd been laying down in the middle of the day which spoke of not feeling well, but he thought it might just be a headache until he mentioned the injury.  The spar where the woman had almost killed Corwin had been bloody and brutal and he was glad he had been well away from the Yard when it happened.  He took her hands as she turned back to him and steeled himself for the worst possible news.  What she said was even more surprising.

 

"Was the child hurt in the spar? He.. she... the baby's okay, isn't it?"  He surprised himself with the quick words quickly put to rest by her reassuring smile and then blinked slowly, twice, and said wonderingly. "A child... we'll need a bigger house."  He smiled kind of absently and then kissed her with a quick but warm press of lips.  There seemed to be a million things to think about all of a sudden. 

 

They would have to move from their beloved little cottage, or at the very least build on an addition.  He'd have to talk to Master Thyle, the mason that he had worked with when Master Jesse was training him for physical fitness and had assigned him to work under the man to train his strength.  He'd set up a good rapport with the man and was sure he'd be able to get building materials and the trained men to help him expand the home.  It would probably be best to add two bedrooms onto the house at the same time, one for the child and one for them, and use the current main room as a living area.  Mum would want to come visit when the child was born, and could bring some of Jasine's own baby clothes for the child.  Or Selene's, if it was a girl.  His smile widened when he thought of the child swaddled in the fabric that he had been held in and his eyes met Thera's again.

 

She doesn't look happy.

 

The thought whispered with sinister intent and set the hair on the back of his neck standing up straight.  He went pale and one of his hands rose from hers to cup her cheek.  He gently stroked his thumb across her cheek and after swallowing painfully, he said softly and gently, "There's more that you want to tell me, isn't there?  What is it, love?  What's wrong?"

[Eqwina]

It was said, and there could be no taking it back .Even the simple speaking of the words had released a tension in Thera she had not known was there. Jasine knew, and now they would face the problem together and find a resolution they both could live with.

 

"Was the child hurt in the spar? He.. she... the baby's okay, isn't it?" She shook her head in wonder and a smiled parted her lips. There had been no hesitation, not even glimmer of doubt. It made her question her own feelings. Was she a horrible person for thinking that they couldn’t raise this child?

 

Wait…a bigger house? She had not yet come to grips with the life forming inside of her and already he was planning a larger house and baby clothes. Running her hands across her belly she tried to picture it large and swollen, but the image was always dashed by the realties of what the child would face. Tears leaked from the corners of Thera’s eyes and she longed to fall into his arms and promise that she would be the best mother the child could ever need. But she could see by the hurt in his eyes that he didn’t understand the gravity of the decision they faced, and it would be for her to explain. Thera had always had enough courage for ten, but speaking so detachedly about her own child would not be an easy task. “My heart…your reaction has made this s-so much easier, but…but you do not see the…the entire…entire.. situation.” His peaked face and trembling hands did nothing to calm her own tremors, but she forced herself to continue on.

 

“If…If we have this child I could no longer be Mistress of Trainee’s, at least not until after the child was born and in that time I would be… replaceable. Would you give up a chance to be a Warder to stay and watch our child? If I no longer had my title at the Tower I would have no job and then where would be go? I could live in the city and you could still have a life here in the Tower…” She couldn’t bring herself to tell him that she’d never wanted a life of a mother. Thera was a warrior and a fighter and the thought of a tame life made her want to cry.

Her voice trembled and her eyes begged him to understand. “Oh Jasine…I want to have your child and raise that child and give it the life it deserves, but we cannot raise the child in the Tower and I am not sure I know how to be anywhere but here.” She realized as she said the words they were true. The woman who had disdained the hearth and picked up a sword, wanted children and a husband and to be who she was born to be, but there seemed no way.

 

With tears streaming down her cheeks she reached out to him, running her hands along his face and chest. Searching for some answer that she couldn’t see. Why was life so unfair…why couldn’t she have it all?”

 

 

[Quisalas Selene]

"we cannot raise the child in the Tower"

 

We can't, can we.  There's guard duty and training and having to be ready at any moment to defend the Tower and defend the women of the Tower.  She's the Mistress of Novices, she can't just take a year or two off of that and be a mother; the trainees need guidance. A year or two just for the baby stages, it would be a lifelong commitment to caring for and supporting another human.

 

He smiled to her, tenderness and love painting his countenance, and he cupped her cheek in his palm. "Having children always seemed so easy back home.  You got married, you had a few kids, you'd provide for them and guide them, and they'd hopefully turn out well." He paused and swallowed as his voice threatened to break. "You know that we'd have plenty of help with the child, we have a strong group of friends here in the Tower, each of them would do what they could." He trailed off and gave a small sigh.

 

He sat down on the bed and pulled her onto his lap.  He stroked her hair with one hand and rested his other on her knees and held her close.  "I love you, Thera.  I've always wanted kids, but I never expected to have them this soon.  I swore to give myself to the Tower and then I swore to give myself to you.  Someday, I still hope to swear myself to an Aes Sedai.  It.." his voice did break this time and he cleared his throat before continuing. "It would be unfair to a child to bring him into this situation."  Almost under his breath he added, "or her."  He buried his face against her hair and neck, unable to maintain his composure as the thought of a little girl who looked like some magical cross between Selene and Thera, strongly resembling the two girls that meant the most to him, came to mind.  For just a moment, he would give almost anything to help bring that child into existence.

 

His hand on her knee slid up her body to rest on her tummy, still flat and hard in the body of a warrior, not a mother.  If Thera had wanted to keep the child, she would not be so tortured about the decision.  She was tortured because she wanted to keep the baby for him, not for herself.  He struggled with his own emotions for a moment, his expression clearly stating that he couldn't talk about it right this second.  She would do anything for him, she'd already given up her Aes Sedai to stay with him and with the Tower.  It was her priority, and his decision would mark where their lives went from this point, and he couldn't make the young woman who had come to the Tower however many years ago to be a warrior change her whole life just so he could be a father.

 

Father

 

He took a deep breath and then squeezed her warmly in his arms.  "You're right, and I guess I knew it all along.  We.. we probably shouldn't keep the baby."  His voice cracked again but he smiled at her, ignoring the sting in his eyes as tears fought furiously to be shed.  "And you don't have to do this alone.  Whatever... whatever it is we have to do next, I'll be there beside you.  Always."

[Eqwina]

Thera was looking down at her hands, trying to fight back another deluge of tears, but when she heard those sad words from Jasine’s mouth she knew hers was a lost cause. "You're right, and I guess I knew it all along.  We.. we probably shouldn't keep the baby."

 

The tiny part of her that had managed to hold onto hope that Jasine would have a solution that would allow her to be everything she wanted was gone and Thera withered inside. Her body felt weak and her muscles her liquid, she slid from the bed and hit the hard wood floor with a thud. Falling forward into her lover’s lap she wailed and cried mumbling incoherently into his pants. She was trying to tell him that she wanted the child, but that she didn’t know how to be a mother and that she wanted to be his wife and a warrior and his companion in battle but all she could make form were her tears and wordless cries.

 

Slowly his gently caresses and soft words helped to calm Thera’s wails but her face was red from tears and her breath came in short pants. “Jasine…I wish there was a way….I want to be a….mother…and a warrior, I want it all…I had convinced myself that you would have.. the magic answer…” A pain more gut wrenching than any other in the world racked Thera’s body and she curled up on herself hiding her face in her knees. She was supposed to be battle hardened, and a Warder and she was reduced to tears by a child she’d never really gotten to know.

 

[Elgee]

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