Spymater's Report 7/31/08

[Justen Diablos]

And yes I'm aware that as of this posting the date will actually be August 1.  But the Spymaster's report is a thursday thing, and overnight actually counts as the previous day.  Everybody knows this.  It doesn't really become friday to real people until the sun rises.

 

What?

 

The sun's risen in europe, the land of many of my fellow DMer's.

 

*thinks*

 

those folk don't really count anyway. I'm an American!

 

*g*

 

Now, on to our show.

 

World News

 

Canadia again leads our news because they're some bat____ crazy ____ up there.  A man on a greyhound bus... excuse me, a Canadian greyhound bus, after sharing a cigarette and a few laughs with his fellow busmates, then proceded to sever the head of his seatmate.  When others on the bus noticed this the of course thought this behaviour to be odd, even for a Canadian.  When they went to stop the man from leaving the bus this happened...

 

An actual quote from an actual person follows.

 

"He calmly walks up to the front (of the bus) with the head in his hand and the knife and just calmly stares at us and drops the head right in front of us," Caton said.

 

"There was no rage in him ... It was just like he was a robot or something."

 

(Has anyone seen Barm? I knew we shouldn't have kept making fun of him the way we did.)

 

That's not normal.  And not to make light of the situation or anything but the real problem is that Canadians don't have Myley Cyrus. She's so cute and upbeat, everything's right with the world when you have your very own Myley.

 

What

 

You may be thinking to yourself in underline form rather than italics right now, just to be different.  And I say to you folk good show, but it'll take more than underlined thought to throw the great Justen Diablos off his game, now you just go back to thinking your thoughts in italics like a right thinking person.  Sure it all starts with a little bit of underlined thought so you can be different from everyone else, next thing you know you're in Canadia, where apparantly everyone's gone mad! 

 

Hopefully our fearless leader Hax is holed up in a canadian cave far to the north of Canadia.  Probably smuggling tobacco just to make a living.

 

Like the fine folk at Benson and Hedges, a Phillip Morris subsidiary, who along with some canadian tobacco firm have admitted to smuggling tobacco products in the early 90's.  They were smuggling it from Canadia...

 

into Canadia.

 

That's right, due to high taxes on Cowboy killers, Canadian ciggarette companies were shipping goods legally into the US, and then sneaking them in through the backdoor into eastern Canadia.  I'd make a joke about Canadian's enjoying the backdoor but I'm afraid someone might cut my head off.

 

And that wouldn't do at all, because I'm pretty.

 

In other news Teen Prostitution has skyrocked in Kenya after the country's most recent election.

 

There's no joke for that story, I just think Paityr needs another vacation and anything to get him out of my basement for a week or two deserves a little Spymaster coverage.

 

In political news Barak Obama claimed Republican's were using the race card in an effort to swing votes away from him.  When confronted with this high level republican's responded.  "So? He's a black guy. If he want's to be President he should probably do something about that before the election.  I mean seriously, He's a black guy."  While many democrats took umbrage at the comments and called them 'outlandish' and 'extremely racist' polling in Texas show's McCain as up 17 points.  McCain's dodging a few bullets of his own, as many this week say the attack ads he's running against Obama show him as nothing more than an angry old man.  When asked for comment McCain shook a fist at the reporters, then a shotgun, and told them to get off his lawn.  Fleeing the scene a photographer dropped his camera, McCain quickly scooped it up and yelled.

 

"You see this!? This is mine now!"

 

Finally in some sports news JD's favourite sport (Baseball) witnessed it's trading deadline come and go.  The LA Dodgers aquired Senior Manny Ramirez in a three way (heh, I said Three way) deal with Boston and Pittsburgh.  LA got Ramirez while Boston and Pittsburgh were shipped a crate of good looking Calafornia girls.  This is the first step in getting actual hot girls out on the East Coast.  I hope everything works out.  Also Ken Griffey Jr. was traded to the White Sox.  I could mock Griffey Jr. right now, it'd be easy, but I won't.  Because a long time ago I loved the Kid.  Godspeed Jr.  Of course my beloved Atlanta Braves(I'm serious, The things I love in this world can be broken down thusly. Sex, My Kitty, the Braves, and my mother (in that order)) did nothing at the trading deadline, because they continue to spend just enough money to be competitive, but not enough to ever win a championship again.  Go Braves!  Where's Dale Murphy when you need him?  Oh and Rafeal Nadal could take the #1 ranking away from Roger Federer this weekend.  Why's that newsworthy?  I don't know, but I enjoy tennis, and hate Federer.  So take that for what it's worth.

 

On to something more upbeat.

 

DM News

 

Oh before I start this I just watched a couple movies, the first one happening to be Harold and Kumar escape from ... you understand.  Not as funny as I'd hoped actually, though NPH kicks ass.  They actually gave me the choice on the DVD between watching the rated or unrated version.

 

...

 

Who watches the rated version?

 

And I'm serious when I ask this.

 

Who?

 

...

 

Over at the Seanchan Board (And if you're even thinking something like Why would he start at the Seanchan board those thoughts better be in italics MR.(MRS./MISS.) and no, you're not getting an answer.) movies were discussed.  Depending on how you feel you could watch Wolvarine sneaks, hear about the new Mummy joint

 

Wait, so Brenden Frasier isn't dead? He should be...

 

Woah hold on Canadian guy who takes me too literally, put down the Rambo knife.  Just trying to take the fact that Brenden Frasier sucks milk duds and make light of it.  I don't mean you should actually kill him.  You really do need some Myley in your life you sick bastich. *shakes head*

 

Also talked about X-files and some other stuff I don't really care.  You know, in the Seanchan private boards, we do so much cooler stuff.  Take this week, it was declared awesome week and all in the org (who were proud of their own awesomeness) wrote upon why they were indeed awesome.  We also told stories and much fun was had by all.  What am I getting at?

 

Emp.

 

*Emp walks in wearing nothing but a pink tutu and holding up a JOIN the 'CHAN banner*

 

Seriously, with the tutu? You always do this... Later, we'll discuss this later.

 

Anyway over at the main community board. Most of it relates to other book series, incuding technically the thread the lovely and talented Cadsuane but that's the only one I'm going to report.  Bias? don't care.  Cads asked if anyone else is checking out the free e-books from tor.  I wasn't of course, because I can't read (never could) but perhaps someone else is and can help her.  So if'n you've read a good free e-book from tor let Cads know.

 

But don't, under any circumstances flirt with her.  I might get upset. Because that's my job, and I know Canadians. 

 

You know apparantly the main criteria for getting into the Aiel is having your birthday during the last week of July.  Seriously that's all they did this week, have birthdays.  Though Reana posted pictures of her puppies or something, I don't follow links (it's a rule I have that's only been broken once *eyes Cadsuane* tease) but everyone agreed they were cute, and Tessandra's post made me feel odd, because of that 'House' icon she has there.  It's weird to see cute little puppy and guy from House (I know his name it's Hugh Laurie. I just thought guy from House was the way to go) in the same post.

 

The Band had exactly 24000 posts when I looked.  They still have too many stickey's at the top of that board and I'm boycotting them this week anyway due to the whole Beastie Boys thing.  Bah.

 

Over at the Illuminator's (hey with the signature request boards they really have like two boards, rather than one with some kids.  Shouldn't one of them be a child board?) Matalina posted her new journal theme.  I still don't follow links but it was probably alright, plus I had a dream about Matalina which is probably a sign that you all should check that out.  The Illumator's were also very proud of their Private July project, I believe it had something to do with art.  Also Jaydena just finished her April project... *counts*  I mean it's really nice.  Just kinda late I guess.  It's also environmentally friendly.  *nods*  So Pait'll love it.

 

The Kin are naming disney movies and taking villian poles.  Plus they're spamming.  The Ogier saw the continuation of campfire tales (which if you'll remember has the official JD stamp of approval) also they apparantly had an earthquake at the stedding.  But everyone's okay.  Moose had his two years at DM party, and since he's a member of every single organization save one, he spent his (DM) birthday attacking the Seanchan board with an RP.  Ack! Anything but the dreaded RP.  I mean why would anyone write stories based upon character's at DM anyway?

 

...

 

The Ghul board comes next.  Primarily their posts are just continuations of earlier posts, so there's new, but not new, and it's difficult for me to slide in and seperate the two.  However if you're a member of the Ghul, you probably know what happened this week.  They did however bring forth the thread 'Eclipse to Dreadlord' which contained 17 posts, only one of which was longer than a single sentence.  Most weren't even 6 words long, some were just smiley faces.  So the SGers get JD's 'Why did I just read that award' for the week.  Congrats guys.  If I don't see some improvement by next week my report on your board will simply be.

 

SG have posts. I read posts. (insert emoticon here)

 

Though why anyone would care about what I do in my cobbled together report I don't know.

 

*looks at his guide to writing the Spymaster Report*

 

Always use a self depricating comment immediately following a quasi-insult to soften the blow and not make you look like such a prick.

 

*nods*

 

Check.

 

The Wolfkin also just kind of use the same threads.  So everything I just said about the Ghul applies here.  Except I won't mock the Wolfkin, because I like Shayol Ghul more.  And if you can figure out the riddle in that last statement you'll come to realize my true love for Paityr and Emp.  Barm...

 

I just make fun of because it's easy.  :P

 

Saving the best for last once again it's the White Tower.

 

Red2111 posted a personal story that would fit comfortably inside a Seanchan Private board, of course the Chan's stories would be way funnier, but that's because we use humour to mask our pain.  I like posts like that though, so Red2111, you get JD's post of the week.  Apparantly people are starting to recieve their wheel of time calendars.  If I'm not mistaken Empy was February and I was Apri...

 

What do you mean that wasn't a 'for real' thing.  Cads told us that if we took our clot...

 

...

 

damn.

 

Okay so apparantly a 'real' WoT calender is coming to a mailbox near you.  If you live near a fellow DMer who might have ordered one, feel free to steal it from their box.  You have my permission, and in this life that's all that matters.

 

There's a link to a gullibility test, which looks fun, of course taking the quiz is really the true test of how gullible you really are.  You've taken it?  Oh well then I have this bridge to sell you down the street from my house.  ;)  And finally Roxinos posted a very moving message to her friend.  Without any joking or kidding around. That's the kind of post I enjoy.  Because DM's not about books, it's about friendships, and good times.

 

And letting Barm know every day how truly not funny he is.

 

Next week, I will end my 8 year private war with the BT and report in depth upon the happenings of their board. 

 

In summation

 

Don't really have a lot of time left, so no questions answered this week.  If you do want a shout out next week though send me an e-mail (it's under my profile) and I will either laugh with you or at you depending on how funny you are on a scale of 1-10 (0 being Barm funny and 10 being very funny)

 

I do want you all to know I love my kitty, her name is Princess Jasmine, but I just call her PJ.  She's sitting on my lap right now, though mostly she has to stay outside because she refuses to use her litter box.  PJ just wanted me to tell you...

 

nothing, because she's a kitty.

 

That's JD's gullibility (Somebody google that word by the way, I want the correct spelling in my inbox by next week) test

 

JD,

Spymaster for the CoL

[Cadsuane]

The Spymaster's Report is now my favorite part of DM. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I am mentioned by name *counts* ... five times, and once more indirectly in that bit about good looking California girls. Nope, nothing at all to do with that.  8)

[Paityr]

Yeah, he only mentioned me three times. And made no reference to good looking Arizona/Montana guys.  :'(

 

*is getting jealous*

[Barmacral]

Well, apparently I've got an entire section dedicated to me... or so SinisterDeath thinks...

 

SinisterDeath says:

did ya hear about that grey hound bus incident in canada?

Definitely Burgandy - I was diagnosed with a second physical disability recently. Terminal Sexiness says:

yes

SinisterDeath says:

was that you?

Definitely Burgandy - I was diagnosed with a second physical disability recently. Terminal Sexiness says:

thats freaky

Definitely Burgandy - I was diagnosed with a second physical disability recently. Terminal Sexiness says:

yes

Definitely Burgandy - I was diagnosed with a second physical disability recently. Terminal Sexiness says:

I got my head cut off on a greyhound

[Red2111]

post of the week O.O  awesome :)

 

There's a link to a gullibility test, which looks fun, of course taking the quiz is really the true test of how gullible you really are.  You've taken it?  Oh well then I have this bridge to sell you down the street from my house.

 

^  tell you what, i've got some great ocean front property in Arizona i'd like you to see as well ;)

[Emperor]

Hmmm... it might be time to spice up the main board so the Chan are mentioned more. 

[Tenshin_Xo]

Holy Damn but I've got to give mad props to JD over this masterpiece.  If he doesn't get his high-larious butt back here in time to write another, I'm gonna cry.  After that, I'm gonna hike down to the DNC next week, and memorize half of DM just so I can make an idiot of myself and make with the fake sugar.

[Alaksuleiel]

*golf claps*

well done, as always a triumph!