Rumours & Reckoning [Lavinya] - 999 NE

[Sirayn]

Being a sister of considerable means, possessing a complex network of contacts across the white city and beyond, no gossip passed her by and it took her a matter of hours to catch word of certain people’s misdeeds. Perhaps it was all to the good that she found out only from a tersely written letter which she had opened in the quiet of her own quarters; fortunate, because her expression at that moment must have been a picture written in wrath.

 

The news darkened a previously fine morning by no small measure. An unexpected development and unwanted on so many levels, signifying as it did a fresh threat, another factor to add into her calculations, evidence which cast doubt upon her young apprentice’s loyalty and even on how much he had learned from her … for to allow one’s mistakes to become so widely known spoke of a great deal of carelessness. Had he not been listening when she instructed him on the merit of discretion? Had he taken leave of his wits entirely? And what strange and shallow idiocy took over young men with too little to do and too much vigour to spend so unwisely?

 

This piece of mischief meant too much to her in unwelcome ways. It meant anger, that a different kind of hunter had moved so boldly into her own grounds; a sense of rivalry, that she meant to take back what was hers, though she certainly would not be shaming herself by such childish lack of caution; frustration, that her plans should be compromised further by some witless lightskirt barely out of whites. More than that it meant disenchantment. That her apprentice with all his wit and composure, who should have known much better, could get mixed up in stupidity with strange women as easily as any other youngster driven by his lusts was a troubling thought. If she could not trust him to keep his head around women, how could she trust him with the many and subtle currents of Daes Dae’mar?

 

Lastly and perhaps most importantly … dread, in some hollow way, of seeing the same old story repeated for the hundredth time … fear, of what other ways in which he might let her down. Anger came so easily at herself for trusting him, at him for breaching that trust. It was a bleak time, on the whole, chasing round the same old decisions. Deciding what to do about it all was easy by contrast. By no means could she allow such events to pass without her intervention; she risked losing everything she had schemed so hard to build. That was how she ended up passing on a curt note to a novice to deliver:

 

Lavinya Sedai,

 

I trust this letter finds you well. However, well or not, you are to attend me in my quarters this evening at the turn of sunset. No excuses.

 

Regards,

Sirayn Sedai

 

It was a terser note than she would have dared pass to a sister who stood above or even next to her, but in her experience a good sharp put down tended to put youngsters in their place … if not, then a reminder of which side their bread was buttered often performed the same function. An ambitious young sister ought to know that much without having to be told but one never knew these days. Every generation had its crop of fire brands, most of whom never fulfilled even a half of their full potential, being too busy with their own cleverness; she could only hope that this one would not prove to be the same. Sirayn had little patience left over from this morning’s disaster and if the child were to be sensible it would prove best for all concerned.

_________________

Sirayn Símeone-Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah - 999 NE

White Tower RP Co-ordinator

 

Lavinya made her way to her appartments, hands clasped casually behind her back. Her features were smooth and serene, but mirth danced in her eyes, as she hummed softly to herself. Life was grand. So it seemed at present, anyway. Things were looking her way, for a change, and her lips still tingled slightly from her stolen kisses. She felt the urge to giggle, but held herself in check. The sight of an Aes Sedai wandering the halls and giggling to herself like a novice with a crush would not do at all.

 

Breezing into her chambers, Lavinya sat before her mirror, finally allowing herself a smile as she brushed her curls back from her face. Lavinya had been labelled many things, but she was not a fool. Contrary to popular belief, anyway. It often worked in her advantage to be underestimated. Her weakness was her love for pleasure. Lavinya often lost herself in the thrill of the forbidden, or at least the frowned upon, almost going so far as to rub her exploits in the faces of those would be persecutors.

 

Lavinya felt no remorse. She and Corin had met under perfectly normal circumstances, and she had been equally taken with him, as he had with her. That first meeting, in the gardens, still brought a smile to her lips when she thought back on it. She was won over by Corin's wit, and his charm...not to mention his good looks, and later his other...skills. She smirked to herself, pressing her fingers to her lips, where the pressure from Corin's could still almost be felt.

 

A knock on the door brought her out of her reverie, bidding the intruder come in. A novice entered, dropping a deep curtsey and holding out a missive with one hand. Lavinya dismissed her with the wave of her hand, barely touching her with a glance as she took the note. Spreading it out on her table with her fingers, Lavinya read the note quickly. She twisted her lips. It was a summons plain and simple. A muscle jerked in her jaw, as she clenched it. She did not take well to summonses, regardless who they were received from.

 

Being a younger sister had its distinct disadvantages, as Lavinya clenched her fingers into a fist, crumpling the note with it. She swore to herself to never let anyone treat her the way she was as a novice, not ever again. Why she had been summonedm she did not know, nor did she find she particularly cared. She was not a fresh faced girl in white, trained to jump when an Aes Sedai so much as batted an eyelid. She too was Aes Sedai. Of course, to obey the summons would be giving in from the start, and Lavinya refused to show any weakness to this woman.

 

Yet curiosity got the better of Lavinya, the possible reason for the note toying with her better judgement. There was no way she would arrive promptly at the turn of the sun, as ordered, but perhaps she would pay a visit to the Green Sister. The terse not spoke volumes of Sirayn's ire, something Lavinya always found vastly amusing. She'd often made a point of pushing people to the point of fury, yet it seemed Sirayn had gotten there without any goading on her part. Intriguing indeed. Perhaps she would go along, and provoke the already irate sister some more. Yes indeed.

 

Lavinya deliberately wasted time in her apartments, wanting to be extremely late for her meeting. Once she had deemed she had waited sufficient time, she gathered her shawl about her shoulders, her fiery curls flowing down her back. Her dress was silver, embroidered delicately with red, the fine silk swishing softly as she made her way to the Green Ajah quarters. Whether Sirayn knew it or not, Lavinya was dressed for battle. Reaching the right door, she knocked twice, confidently, and waited.

_________________

Lavinya Morganen - Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah, Mentor to Elyna and Kilivia

Dorian Ayerell - Tower Trainee, Mentee of Yrean

Satine Whyre - Acrobat in Simon Jornin's travelling Circus

 

The evening turned on into silence and stillness. Red light filtered through the leaded glass panes and painted her severely furnished quarters in rich tones of amber and crimson; reflecting like a blaze from the opposite mirrors and casting everything in a confusion of light and shadow. A pretty enough image it made and it might even have distracted her had she not been busy seething over this lightskirt child who not only fooled around with men in public but also couldn’t even keep a simple appointment. Had somebody been drunk when they permitted her to take the Three Oaths? By today’s performance she should never have gained the ring let alone the coveted shawl. Truly standards had slipped somewhat of late.

 

Finally a brash knock sounded twice upon her door. She took a moment to compose herself, smoothing out any trace of ire lest it gratify her visitor to see her thus provoked, and calmly serene answered her door. “Little sister.†A deliberate diminutive to recall sharply to them both the gulf in their respective positions. She, an old and much respected general pushing forward an equally starry diplomatic career, though news of her appointment as Ajah Head had of course not passed through Gray Ajah ears; the other, merely another overly smug and barely tested sister a little too impressed with her own wit. Rarely did she engage in a competition so evidently skewed in her favour but considering the provocation levelled against her this day Sirayn held no pity for the lackwit fool.

 

One dark brow arched, to see how finely Lavinya Sedai had dressed; a statement of wealth perhaps, an attempt to intimidate maybe, if so surely wasted in these quarters. Most like the flipskirt was trying to lure someone else into her bed. The very notion of her getting those painted claws into her agent stoked her wrath but she controlled the temptation to comment on Domani women and their unbecoming obsession with cleavage. “Do come in. I had expected you somewhat earlier but, fortunate enough, I still have a little time for you.†A careless gesture with her good right hand indicated the as always immaculate quarters before her furnished with a Cairhienin’s clean and austere tastes. “Take a seat. We have much to discuss.â€

 

Crossing to the window Sirayn fixed her gaze through the leaded glass, toward the chaos of fire and red shades colouring the west. Such colours recalled to her briefly and bitterly an incident not long enough ago, fire and blood and the loss of her first bond … but not the smallest sign of weakness could be permitted to trouble her appearance now. “Your timekeeping leaves something to be desired little one. Have you perhaps been waylaid by bandits between your quarters and mine? If so, I shall instruct the City Guard to keep a closer watch on the entrance. If not I beg to ask where you got the impression that you were given any choice in the time of your arrival. Regardless of what colour shawl you lay claim to you are equally required to show respect to those who have done it more honour than you.â€

_________________

Sirayn Símeone-Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah - 999 NE

White Tower RP Co-ordinator

 

Lavinya had always shown proper respect to those above her, while a Novice and as an Accepted. All except for a few cases, in which case she believed she was warranted anyway. The one thing that had helped her maintain her calm had been the knowledge that once she attained the shawl, things would be different. She would no longer accept being treated as an inferior, rather she would be the one demanding respect. Of course the dreams of youth were never what one anticipated, and she had found that even though she was Aes Sedai, still she stood low amongst most sisters, being newly raised, and what they considered young, despite her advancing years.

 

So it was when Sirayn opened the door, that Lavinya was forced to grit her teeth, lest she speak her mind then and there. Little sister indeed. Sirayn Sedai held a position of some power and respect in the White Tower, her years being far more than Lavinya's. While age was never discussed, nor strength in the power, the Aes Sedai were aware of where they stood in the silent heirarchy. Knowing she herself stood so low only infused her ire further, as she hastily gave the Green a bright smile, her small white teeth flashing from beneath her lips. She had not come to be ridiculed, and burn her if she would let this woman make a mockery of her, regardless of her standing.

 

“Do come in. I had expected you somewhat earlier but, fortunate enough, I still have a little time for you.†Lavinya noted with some pleasure that she had irked the formidable Green by her lateness, though her facial expression never changed. Sweeping past Sirayn, she waited for the elder to sit, but she instead headed to the window. Without a word Lavinya sat, her eyes boring into Siray's back. Much as she was loath to admit it, she was incessantly curious as to what Sirayn wanted to discuss with her.

 

Despite all appearances, Lavinya had a begrudging respect for the woman with her back to the room. From all she had been able to discover, Sirayn was a dogged woman, one who had fought her way to the top, commanding respect along the way. Lavinya did not know who headed the Green Ajah, but she would not have been surprised to learn that Sirayn herself held that position. What mostly appealed to Lavinya, was the knowledge that they were close in strength, in the One Power. Even know, Lavinya let herself feel Sirayn's strength, and knew they were so close to be almost unable to determine who was the stronger. Lavinya knew she was not considered a strong channeler, and in the same regard, neither was Sirayn, yet she still held an enviable place in the Tower, one Lavinya herself longed to hold.

 

“Your timekeeping leaves something to be desired little one. Have you perhaps been waylaid by bandits between your quarters and mine? If so, I shall instruct the City Guard to keep a closer watch on the entrance. If not I beg to ask where you got the impression that you were given any choice in the time of your arrival. Regardless of what colour shawl you lay claim to you are equally required to show respect to those who have done it more honour than you.†Instead of anger, slow amusement filled Lavinya. Sirayn spoke with obvious sarcasm, something which she herself was no stranger to. Sirayn did not turn until after her statement, and her features were so calm, one would almost believe her made of stone. Yet her words indicated otherwise, hinting to someone possessed of Lavinya's nature that she was extremely annoyed. Lavinya had always enjoyed goading others to anger.

 

With an arrogant toss of the head, Lavinya let her curls flick back behind her shoulders, before responding. She felt she owed nothing to Green staring her down from across the room, yet rather than making a statement that would have irritated the sister further, and quite likely result in a meeting between Lavinya and the sitters of her own Ajah, she changed tack.

 

"I apologise if my delayed arrival has disturbed you greatly, sister." Her tone was soft, and though her expression appeared penitent, she was anything but. Deliberately, Lavinya refused to explain her actions. "However, I am here now, and I must say I am most curious to discover what it is you wanted to discuss with me. Please, by all means, enlighten me." She rested her hands in her lap delicately, her spine straight as she gazed silent challenge at Sirayn. Her words had not been disrespectful, yet she knew Sirayn would be fuming at having her question, no her demand, pointedly ignored. Well, let her fume all she wished, Lavinya had made a promise to herself long ago, to never again be treated as a lesser, by an Aes Sedai. Regardless of her standing, that applied to Sirayn, and Lavinya waited silently, her gaze cool, wondering how the sister would react.

_________________

Lavinya Morganen - Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah, Mentor to Elyna and Kilivia

Dorian Ayerell - Tower Trainee, Mentee of Yrean

Satine Whyre - Acrobat in Simon Jornin's travelling Circus

[Sirayn]

Insolent child: her composure became rather fixed while she mastered the urge to sit this wretch down and give her the talking to this disrespect demanded. If her own scathing tongue did not suffice … she had little acquaintance with the Grey Ajah’s current leadership but rather suspected that they would back her up if she wound up hauling their precious Lavinya Morganen to them by the ear and requesting them to give her a penance she would not easily forget. In her experience sisters of a certain age, a certain rank, tended to back one another up … and there was a whole new world of intrigue and authority out there in which one Lavinya Sedai was nothing more than a pawn.

 

Such soothing thoughts smoothed out her irritation and she let herself relax once more. Doubtless she could make this child’s life a misery if such proved to her taste; doubtless also half the city would be grateful to her for limiting these disgraceful excesses; it remained to her only to exercise a bit of restraint. Nobody was going to step on her territory again. Light only knew that she did not want to be fooling around with total strangers in public, she had a better sense of propriety, not to mention more self respect than to label herself a lightskirt for all and sundry to scorn, but the idea that all her hard work might be undone so easily … and by a Domani woman using nothing less than attributes as cheap and unfulfilling as an undoubtedly empty head … frustrated her beyond words. She had no intention of competing for the boy’s affections, lust was ever shallow, but his loyalty and his wits, those interested her far more.

 

Perhaps the morning’s business would serve some small measure of revenge. Her inheritance had not been good to her, leaving her small, plain and deeply suspicious, but she watched the progress of all those beautiful and brilliant women with the jealousy reserved for life’s second choices … those folk with plenty of intelligence and courage but who would never be as beloved as their comrades because they simply were not pretty enough. It was a trifle cold of her to judge it so, perhaps, to assume that everyone was so shallow, but in her experience it was nothing less than the truth. She had observed with Jaydena Sedai perfectly well what occurred when gorgeous, stunning, perfect women deigned to mix with ordinary people like herself and she did not intend to ever let those unflattering comparisons be drawn again. Maybe it was time for somebody to find out that looks were not everything.

 

Initially nothing but deep concern she permitted to colour her tone; playing for all the world like an elder worried over the child’s future. “It troubles me greatly to have to take you to task as though you were nothing but a naughty child, little sister, but I fear that that is my burdensome task. I trust that you will listen to my words most carefully and take them to heart … for otherwise we may need to speak to your Sitters and I do not doubt they will be less gentle on you than I intend to be.†Sirayn gave a benevolent smile: yes, this was sweet indeed. “It has come to my attention that this morning you have, shall we say, indulged yourself? A little more than was wise. In fact,†and suddenly and sharply her tone turned to iron, “one might go so far as to say that you have smashed all the bounds of decency which govern Aes Sedai conduct and put yourself in line for a severe penance.

 

“Fondling strangers in public? Have you taken leave of your senses entirely? I had marked you as a child of some common sense, at least, but it appears you are ruled entirely by what you keep in your skirts; much as the dull boys with whom you occupy your time keep their wits beneath their belts. Dear light child, one would have imagined you to be a common lightskirt, not somebody raised already to the shawl. This morning the Tower’s fine reputation has been dragged through the mud. Your career is most likely damaged beyond recovery. In a century’s time people will still remember you as the fool so empty headed she allowed her shallow lusts to overtake years’ worth of indoctrination. You should be ashamed of yourself; you have disgraced your shawl. If you want to save yourself the penance you so richly deserve you had better give me some very good reasons for your behaviour this morning.â€

[Lavinya]

A naughty child? Lavinya bristled inwardly at the remark, but stubbornly refused to let her annoyance show through. She would not give the woman any such satisfaction, nor would she reveal the uncertainty at just what she was being taken to task for. The morning's events were indeed still fresh in her mind, but could Aleanda have spread word of what she had seen so soon? And why should the mornings exquisite happenings reach the ears of Sirayn? Indeed, why would they prove something which the Green believed was enough to berate Lavinya for? She had asked Corin, he was not bonded to anyone, nor had he mentioned even the possibility of a previous attachment...so why?

 

These questions whirled in her mind, while on the outside she adopted a cooly aloof expression, which quickly changed to barely veiled surprise as the tirade continued. Common lightskirt? Digraced her shawl?! Straightening her spine, Lavinya's dark eyes flashed with a dangerous light, a muscle in her jaw tensing as she struggled to stem the flow of anger which threatened to over flow and spew forth onto the self-righteous sister before her.

 

"If you want to save yourself the penance you so richly deserve you had better give me some very good reasons for your behaviour this morning.â€As she considered a reply, suddenly things cleared in Lavinya's mind. Corin was not bonded, no, but he had made reference to being 'directed by a Green'. Sirayn was obviously that sister, and for some reason she was threatened by what had transpired between Corin and Lavinya. Interesting indeed.

 

Anger made way for wry amusement and she lifted her chin, meeting the stone cold grey stare of Sirayn Sedai. "I must say I am intrigued as to why you have taken it upon yourself to chastise me, sister. Clearly I have unwittingly infringed a border set by you. I have my sincerest doubts that you have any true concern with the nature of my activities this morning. Rather, I believe it was my companion that interest, or indeed bothers, you more." Lavinya's eyes flashed once more in silent challenge. She would not cower and simper, regardless of what ties this woman held to her.

 

It was a dangerous game, nipping the hand that fed you, and while Lavinya had never considered herself a fool, now she found it difficult to rein in her temper. She was a lonely woman at heart, virtually friendless in this tower she called home. Why should she be denied the simple pleasures that can be derived from a pleasant day with a wonderful man? Why was she expected to live a cloistered life, married to duty and the Tower? While she was loyal to her home and her sisters, she was still her own person, a woman who chafed at the shackles that held her bound - propriety and deference. So often she longed for simplicity once more. To be free from prying eyes and duty. She had felt free and enjoyed herself that morning, for the first time in a long time. She would not feel guilty for being a woman, burn her!

 

"You are a woman who wraps mystery and intrigue about herself like a cloak, Sister." Lavinya toned, a whit of her anger clear in her harsh tone. "Do not be fooled into thinking I will continue to play that game. Tell me why you are so offended over my actions, and I shall deign to see if I cannot explain myself to you in a satisfactory manner." Folding hands in her lap once more, Lavinya levelled a steady gaze at Sirayn, for once weary of the games that seemed ensconsed in the White Tower. She had made what she hoped would be a lasting friendship with an admirable and witty man today - she would not allow that precious and rare tie be taken from her by a jealous Aes Sedai.

[Sirayn]

A long and colourful life had taught Sirayn many truths. Dispute her views though some folk might, she had seen for herself how the world worked, and she knew with immovable certainty that all beautiful women were the same. Commonly she practised detachment to a heartless extent, but if there was anything that drove her up the wall it was shallow, gorgeous women who had received a stroke of luck they never earned and found themselves living a life of luxury and privilege as a result. Anything they wanted got served up to them on a plate, they were never required to show the least dedication or to dirty their fine hands by actually working, everything was simply a gift for having sultry eyes or whatever the fashion was this time. This lightskirt was clearly one such.

 

Not only was this child incapable of keeping her legs together, apparently a common trait among youngsters newly come to the shawl, but she had somehow managed not to acquire an idea of what behaviour was suited for an Aes Sedai. The rigorous standards demanded of Aes Sedai were clearly either too complicated for her to comprehend or she simply believed they did not apply to her, that she could flutter those long lashes at anyone and get her way. Being able to flash some cleavage clearly made an excellent substitute for actually useful qualities like wit, intelligence and commitment. Everything about this disgrace incensed her to the limits of her hard earned composure. Of course she herself had been taught better than to resort to a good slapping, even behind closed doors, but she found herself definitely tempted to damage those shallow looks a bit.

 

No. Sisters of her age and standing represented the Tower. She conducted herself with the dignity required by her station, even if witless children like this one had seemingly not heard of either dignity or station, she did not intend to lower herself to the same level. She took some time to smooth out her tones to the clearness of glass, her features set composed as ever, not a hint of feeling to be seen anywhere about her. Inwardly she still fulminated. Had anyone had open access to her thoughts at that point they would undoubtedly have been shocked; although many had forgotten it by now, she had originally been a bastard child and a nobody, and she still possessed a colourful range of language when the mood took her. Fortunately her inner thoughts were veiled. On the outside, thanks be to centuries of schooling, she remained impassive as a statue graven from stone.

 

“I do not make a practice of explaining myself to the likes of you any more than I would disgrace my Ajah by behaving like a tavern maid in public.†How dare this child demand that she explain herself? “Apparently you do not believe yourself bound by the same standards that govern the other thousands of Aes Sedai … as to why I shall not inquire, although perhaps you think that anyone who might have the temerity to expect you to obey the same rules as we do will be so mesmerised by your cleavage that they will become your obedient slave instead. I can assure you, little sister, I am not at all entranced by any part of you. I have seen the likes of you before.†This wretch reminded her of nobody so sharply as her cousin, who of course had perished in questionable circumstances. Let it not be said that the Battle Ajah did not cut back dead wood.

 

“Clearly you cannot survive without somebody to warm your bed, their identity being irrelevant compared to having the correct anatomy, and I find it discouraging that any Aes Sedai should be so …†she picked her words with relentless precision, “weak. If you had any wit or intelligence you would use that instead of lowering yourself in this manner. Lightskirts and fools use what they keep between their legs; all others, including anyone with a shred of cleverness or worth, use what they have in their heads. Therefore I can only conclude that when your looks desert you, you will be reduced to nothing. Such a shame.†How this pup had ever made it to the shawl passed her by completely. The real shame was that they were not both members of the same Ajah; had she had direct command over this wretch, rather than the indirect authority of all elders, she would have done something far more drastic.

 

“If you are incapable of understanding that the rules apply to you as well I will summarise for your benefit. It is, after all, extremely simple. Exercise some discretion … that of a four-year-old child would be a welcome addition in your circumstances … and a little intelligence would also be a bonus. Too many syllables? Let me clarify once more.†There was something infinitely satisfying about a round of good, old-fashioned abuse. She might be plain and drab and taciturn, everything this painted strumpet was not, but she did at least have a mind like a steel trap. “Keep your hands to yourself in public. Don’t answer back. And do as you’re told.â€

 

Sirayn Damodred

Head of the Green Ajah

[Lavinya]

Lavinya felt like screaming. Anger whirled at the cutting words, her fingers twitching slightly in her lap with the desire to lash out at the cold woman who would speak to her so. How dare she! Lavinya had been insulted before, even treated with disrespect many times, but the verbal abuse Sirayn slung at her was more than she could bear. This stony woman knew her no better than she would the newest initiate; yet she felt at liberty to presume much about Lavinya.

 

Perhaps the worst part of the tirade was the effect it was having on the Gray. Wounds that were already raw and open from that morning were suddenly laden with salt. A lightskirt? Yes, she was. No, had been. Too much of what Sirayn said was true, and yet much was also so very, very wrong. No one knew the true Lavinya, the only one who had even come close had been Corin. Pain was causing tears to prick her eyes, adding to the mortification she felt. Was it not enough that this woman thought she was no better than a local prostitute, a terrible exaggeration to the truth, without disgracing herself by falling into a pathetic flurry of self-pitying tears?

 

Why did the creator mock her so? Today she had met a man, a wonderful man. One who had made her smile, laugh, like she had not in many years. A man with whom she had felt comfortable enough to lower barriers she had spent a lifetime to erect, one who had taken hold of her hand and heart. She had been intoxicated by his kisses, it was true; but she had not used any of the tricks to lure him that were her cultural heritage. The only thing that she had done was be true to herself. And now, on top of all the confusion and hurt she had endured at the discovery, this...crippled, bitter, Green put two and two together and resulted with a damning dozen. The creator was cruel, giving her a glimpse of a warmer future, before snatching it away and mocking her loneliness.

 

"You don't know me at all!" The words escaped as a hiss as Lavinya fought a losing battle to maintain her composure, the only thing left to allow her any dignity at all. No one knew her. It even seemed Corin didn't want to know any more. Friends, he had said. Everyone was so quick to judge and abuse Lavinya. Why? Why couldn't she just once be the one that found happiness, love. Why couldn't she receive praise over scorn? Lavinya did not want to fight any more, did not want to be the cold, lonely Aes Sedai who thought only of herself.

 

In a horrendously embarrassing moment, Lavinya lost control and a sob escaped as the first of her tears spilled over onto her cheek. It was as though a damn had burst, and suddenly for the second time that day Lavinya wept openly, this time however there were no strong arms to offer comfort, to kiss the tears away. And if Sirayn had her way, there never would be someone to take that place, at least not Corin. Maybe she was just as Sirayn Sedai said - a worthless, foolish, lightskirt, that would soon be nothing.

 

The thought was so utterly depressing that another wave of sobs shook her small frame and she buried her head into her hands, crying for the light she would never have shine into her life. Let the woman tear her apart all she wanted; Lavinya was already a hopelessly broken wretch, getting what she clearly deserved. Light, how much this one chance meeting had been able to change her view. If only...no, dreaming of what would never be was as foolish as believing Corin could truly rescue her from herself.

 

Lavinya

One hell of a mess.

[Sirayn]

One moment she had been poised for blood on the walls, serene in the knowledge that she had struck a much-needed blow for the Tower’s reputation, the next moment her victim inexplicably began to sob. Startled into frowning, Sirayn spared a moment to puzzle over the benefits of being able to crumple in tears on demand, but as the lightskirt wept all the harder something about the pitch and intensity of the sobbing called up memories … in the dark, hiding from everything, not knowing how she could ever live with shame like this … and she couldn’t convince herself it was feigned any longer.

 

It made her uncomfortable. Aes Sedai should not weep. Tower tradition stronger and older than law dictated that as far as other people were concerned Aes Sedai had no feelings at all. The sight of a fellow sister in tears disturbed her in a way she couldn’t quite put her finger on; she should not be faced with this within the white walls themselves, it just didn’t fit. She didn’t even know this woman. A lifetime’s ice cold practice of Daes Dae’mar told her to take this unexpected prize, a glimpse of somebody else’s weakness, but for some reason she remembered her daughter -- a tiny warm weight in her arms -- and all of a sudden she lost her appetite for taking people apart.

 

She hadn’t realised that her tirade would upset a fellow Aes Sedai. In hindsight she couldn’t figure out why; she had meant to give offence, she had even wanted to, she had known that most people would be outraged and possibly hurt by her insults. It just hadn’t quite clicked with her that she might be successful. Half startled still, half guilty, she lifted a hand as if to touch the other woman, then dropped it quickly, embarrassed by her own stupid instincts. Aes Sedai should not give comfort. She didn’t even know how. It would be useless to try. She should just sit tight, wait for this fool to stop crying, then think of something suitably cutting to say to show that she didn’t give a damn about anybody’s tears. Anyone else would have done the same. Even to her little girl.

 

Later she didn’t know what thoughts had linked themselves into a chain in the depths of her mind to make her move even when she knew she shouldn’t. One moment she was sitting tensely, wishing she had never opened her mouth, the next moment she was beside Lavinya as though someone had pulled her strings like a puppet. One arm slipped round the small shoulders to pull her close and she stroked the soft red curls with her free hand. “Hush, it’s all right.” She kept the words to a low murmur, gentle with touch and words, as if even a stupid useless failure like her could soothe the tears away. And for a moment she closed her eyes, her cheek against a stranger’s sweetly scented hair, and pretended it was somebody else she held.

 

It wasn’t her daughter. It would never be her daughter. Lyssa didn’t even want anything to do with her and comforting somebody else as if it might get her forgiveness somehow, as if it could make up for not being a proper mother, was futile. Only she felt a little bit better just to hold somebody again. Had the Danveer boy felt the same? Did everybody need somebody weaker than them before they could be content with themselves? Bleak thoughts. She whispered nonsense to the young Aes Sedai and told herself she could do this with her little daughter any time she wanted.

 

Sirayn Damodred

Retro Head of the Green Ajah