*Dance* with *Campers* and *Happy Sisters*!

[Wayfarer]

Breathing heavily, Lillian dragged the chair across the room with a slow deliberation that revealed not only that she was tired but she had little regard for what was around her. Books and papers everywhere, clothes were strewn across the floor in equal measure with different stones she had worked on in the past either to create artworks in their own right or simply to practice her skills. Not that such things were important. Nothing was now. Caring not as she trod on the stones underfoot, she rest the seat before the window and took a seat.

 

Why, she couldn't have said. She wasn't paying anymore attention to it than she was the rest of her room which had been thoroughly demolished. She'd even gone so far as to break the other chairs of the room, ripped the drawers out which had led to many more valuables ending up smashed on the floor. It was impossible to tread anywhere without creating noise, something that alerted Lillian to the fact that she had a visitor as she heard someone walking behind her. To be honest, she hadn't expected Aramina, she had expect the Mistress of Novices or someone else to have arrived to chastise her. Still, she kept her silence until Aramina had neared her and spoke.

 

It was just her name but it was enough. Looking down at her arms, Lillian frowned at the blood before looking up at the window again. She didn't want to look, she was ashamed that she had revealed that much of herself and more than that. Losing control as she had been something she never did, and the way she had devastated her room... But, it wouldn't matter anymore, not now. "Am I to pack then?"

 

The confused silence begged an explanation. "I assume the Mistress of Novices won't want me here, no doubt I go back to the Farm? How long?"

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

[TaeaDawn]

The voice seemed under control again, but Aramina wasn't so sure the anger and grief were. It was to be expected of course. It should have been anyway but Aramina has seen the girl move on and had hoped she had. Of course, that had been Aramina's wishful thinking, hoping the girl's grief wouldn't take her on the path that Aramina's had. She had no doubt her own had led to the life that was most comfortable for her, but Lillian had many friends and a life alone seemed wrong for her. She didn't think the girl could handle it the way she herself did. Of course, Aramina's grief had stalled her progress for more than 5 years as an Accepted and had hardened her to others for far longer than that.

 

She shook her head, trying to think of Lillian and what to say. The Farm? What was the girl thinking? "Do you think my ego is so fragile that I can't take a few angry words spun by grief? Or that my views are so shallow that your own would puncture them to the point that I would send you away?" She took a deep breath. "You have the right to your own opinions about the Tower's traditions, no matter that they are not mine. And you have a right to your grief. I would hope that in the future you would be able to talk to me instead of yell, but we can't always choose the outlet for our feelings. I would not send you to the Farm for that, nor would I expect punishment for it."

 

"What I would expect, is for you to talk to me now. And once we are done, I expect this room to be clenaed up. If you are incapable of doing that at the moment, I will send a couple Novices up to do it for you." She thought perhaps the idea of a novice seeing her rooms in this state might get the girl to care a little, but she wasn't sure. The girl seemed strong enough to survive, but she was far from removed from her grief.

 

Aramina

[Wayfarer]

There was a long silence after Aramina finished speaking that reigned while Lillian rolled every spoken word through her mind and tried to make sense of it. Tired, bone tired, the sort of tired she'd felt only a few other times and the sort of bone tired she'd never felt at the same time. Drained was a poor way to describe it but everything was outside and nothing left within for her to draw on, not one ounce nor one iota. She could have gone to sleep right there in her chair if not for the fact that she was too tired to sleep, too tired to do anything.

 

Anything except try and formulate a response to what Aramina had posed to her. Slowly, but inevitably, different things began to piece themselves together to be offered to the woman who had followed her to her quarters. "That might not be a good idea, it wouldn't do to give the Novices such a poor example." Words empty of feeling, but that was as empty as Lillian was in that moment. Nevertheless, more words tumbled forth after a short lull.

 

"What would you have me say to you that hasn't already been said? Taei was my closest friend, I betrayed her by forgetting that I should have kept her safe, that I shouldn't have pushed her into harm's way. That I feel her blood on my hands, that the place I've dedicated over a decade of my life to shares in that responsibility. That I'm sorry for yelling at you? I can't even summon up enough feeling at the moment to feel, I'm numb to the core. In that emptiness, everything I did wrong is crystalised and the knowledge that I can do nothing to fix it makes everything pointless. What use is this power I have if I cannot use it to save a friend who should be alive now? What point is any of this if I can't even be a decent human being?"

 

Drawing her legs up to her chest subconsciously, Lillian wrapped her arms around them as she hugged them close. Reflex rather than a desire for comfort, she rested her head between her knees as she continued. "What is the point of having this power that drives the wheel and spins the pattern if we can't use it when it matters most? Why do we even bother. Why am I even in this Tower when there are others who wanted it more but lost everything for it? How can I stay here when that same Tower's tradition murdered Taei? That killed part of me in the process? Are these the things you wish to speak of? If you have answers, you're wiser than me because I don't know and I don't think I ever will."

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

[Wayfarer]

"If you have answers, you're wiser than me because I don't know and I don't think I ever will."

 

Aramina sighed as she took a seat on the girl's bed after finding a clear spot.  She wanted to pull the girl out of here and get her away from the chaos that seemed so unlike her, but she couldn't.  It wouldn't change anything even if she did so she took a second before answering. 

 

"I have no answers for you.  Truth be told, I have been looking for those same answers for a very long time myself.  The Tower kills Aes Sedai every day on errands that we might find foolish or disagree with, but a Sister makes her choice and goes because she believes in something, the errand, her orders, the Tower, something makes her think it's worth her life.  I've watched Sisters die and i've watched them mourn their Warders.  None of those questions can I answer for you, none of them can be truely answered I don't think.  What power you have, it is yours to do with as you can.  We can't stop death.  We can't stop the battle that looms closer with each new moon.  The only thing we can do is stay strong so that those we have lost will not be lost in vain."

 

She looked at the girl then, knowing that her words were of no comfort to her.  Light, they were no comfort to her own soul, but they were truth to her nonetheless.  "I have lost too much for this Tower.  But if we lose faith here, what becomes of the world?  What happens at the Last Battle?" She shook her head.  "Your friend did not deserve to die, but perhaps she thought it was worth the risk.  You did when you stepped through the Arches.  She must have as well to step through them."

 

Aramina

[Wayfarer]

Lillian sat in silence as Aramina finished speaking, the words spoken running through her mind.  It was so thoroughly stupid what had happened, so unthinkable and so unnecessary.  Taei died for all the wrong reasons.  She never needed to prove anything to anyone, she should never have felt that she had to.  She should have known that there was more to life than one day wearing a shawl, and Lillian knew she should have said that to her.  But, she had chosen to do it and it was done, there was no way into that Arch to get her, she was dead.  She would have been driven to tears if she wasn't as dry as the barbarian waste to the east.

 

It was awhile before Lillian spoke.

 

"I'm sorry."  Painfully aware of how dry her mouth was, Lillian rolled her tongue about in an attempt to gather some moisture before she spoke again.  "This room is a mess."

 

Letting saidar fill her, Lillian lifted her feet from the ground and then cleared a space.  Setting her feet back down, she stood and then looked around the room.  More flows of air snaked about the floor and began to pile the mess up along the edges of the room so it was safe to walk about.  Lillian even cleared the bed around Aramina, and the bed that sat opposite.  Not that it mattered, she wasn't going to be sleeping in her room for awhile.  Too many memories of Taei, sitting up with her and talking about the test and abo-

 

Blinking, Lillian already knew what her penance would be that she would impose for herself.  "What I break I fix."  Not that she could fix Taei, that was a problem that she would never solve and never forget.  But everything else would take time, from the glass to the gems to ripped dresses and torn papers.  She'd fix it all, every last item and repair them as good as new or at least as close as she could.

 

Looking to Aramina Sedai as she released saidar, Lillian tidied herself up subconsciously while she asked.  "Do you mind if we go somewhere?  Anywhere but here."

 

 

Lillian Tremina

Accepted of the White Tower

 

OOC:  Wrap up I think :)

[Wayfarer]

"Do you mind if we go somewhere? Anywhere but here."

 

 

Aramina was slightly surprised when the girl began sweeping things out of the way, but part of her was pleased by it.  At least the girl had become aware of her surrounding.  It had taken Aramina a good deal longer when she had been the one to lose a friend. 

 

She nodded at the girl's words.  She wanted to take her someplace quiet where they could talk if need be, but they had said all there was to say really.  A nice quiet spot for conversation was probably the last place that Lillian would be comfortable now.  Instead, Aramina decided a walk would be better.  Just some fresh air and a silent companion, just in case.  Something to distract her thoughts maybe as well. 

 

In the end, Aramina went to the door without a word and Lillian followed just as silent.  She left her pace at a stately walk and headed out of the Tower and to the walkways between the Tower and the yards of the Tower Guard.  She had found it quite easy when her mind was troubled to come here and let the efforts of the Guards melt away her troubles.  Not that they didn't return whens he walked away, but the constant movement and dance of the men and women that worked their forms made for an easy distraction.  She continued walking along the outside of the walls, just walking beside the girl and letting the sounds and movement lull her as they so often had.  Away from the pain of her own loss, and from the thoughts that maybe if someone had been as insistent on being by her own side at that time, she might have had a far different life.  She hoped she was doing the right thing, hoped the girl would back someday and thank her for it, rather than curse her for meddling, but only time would tell.  The wheel would as the wheel willed and Aramina Sedai hoped only to be a boon to the girl in her time of loss.

 

Aramina Sedai