There's this customer that keeps coming into the store I work at and giving whomever deals with him that day a really hard time for no other reason that just because he can. Keeping in mind that we don't want to do anything that could get us fired if found out, how would you suggest we get him to stop coming to our store?

Sincerely Yours,

The Almighty (bow down to my will)

Dear Insane Person Who Thinks WE Would Ever Bow Down to Him,

This is definitely a tricky one, especially since you won’t be able to use my two favorite methods of getting rid of people: balefire and wrapping them in their own entrails.

My first suggestion would be to tell your boss about this jerk and ask his advice. That way, you can get a good idea of what you would be allowed to do or say to the customer without crossing the line between being firm and being fired. Maybe the boss would even come out there with you the next time the idiot comes to the store and would have a talk with him. He would probably be more likely to listen to the boss anyway, since authority is key to getting what you want. Even if you try to reason with the guy on your own, it would still be a good idea to call your boss in if the guy gets too emotional.

If your boss isn’t amenable to your ideas or if you are unable to reason with the customer, you could always try some subtle techniques to get him to stay away from you. Pretend you’re deathly ill and “accidentally†cough on him. Bore him to tears with details of how your day went. If all else fails, send him to an enemy’s store for any especially unrealistic demands. Then he’ll become their problem, not yours.

--Semirhage