Dear Chosen,

Recently I've taken up teaching and my students are driving me crazy.

Are there any non-lethal methods of classroom management I can try? I

don't want any parent phone calls.

Thanks,

Tired Teacher

I'm honestly baffled as to why you would address this question to us with such a caveat, considering that destruction comes so easily to most of us.  Still, I will attempt to lay out some possible alternate options that your weak-hearted self might be able to utilize.

Firstly, let us start with how you should present yourself.  Graendal would probably suggest using your 'assets' to hypnotize and distract, but that will never do, ESPECIALLY if you have a mixed class, obviously.  One should dress sharply in stark colors - blacks, whites, grays, and maybe pinstripes... perhaps these pant suits things you 'liberated' women seem to like for some unfathomable reason.  I'll never get the appeal of dressing like a man, but there you have it.

As for posture, you should remember to stand tall and look people in the eye.  I would recommend learning how to glare, as this is always a good tool to keep people in line.  If you're too soft-hearted for that, you probably wouldn't go for carrying around something that could be used for smacking either.  Can you even properly discipline the brats anymore?

So yes, if you're not wanting drug or injure them, I guess making yourself look imposing is probably for the best.  That, or take a few psychology courses and see what you can do to trick them - I don't get paid enough for this shtick to hold your hand and guide you through child management.  I don't even know if I could stand to - you're obviously insane if you want to deal with screaming brats daily.  Still, perhaps imposing will be a step in the right direction.   That, or drugged candy.